Jedi Mind Trick

[GhostofLight]

This will sound crazy, I know, but truth is often stranger than fiction.  In the seventies and eighties the American military sought to appropriate lots of different ideas from the burgeoning new age movement.  Among other things, they dreamt of "super soldiers" capable of walking through solid matter, hypnotizing adversaries, and even killing enemy combatants using only their minds. You can look it up if you don't believe me.

I'm no soldier, but I've been trying to kill myself ever since losing my soulmate back in March.  Nothing too dramatic, mind you.  Not jumping off a bridge or ingesting a bunch of pills.  But every night I've tried to will myself to die.  Every night I wish fervently will be my last night on this stupid, wretched planet.  I've been trying to kill myself with my mind.

Haven't mastered the trick yet, though.  Christ, when will this end.  How many more years?

It seems all I have now is drink.  Yes, I drink far too much now.   I'm an Irish cliche.  But, honestly, what else is there?  What else can I hope for now that the love of my life is gone?

God had his fun, didn't he?  The cosmic sadist.  I hope it was worth it.

I'm so very tired.

 

 

 

 

[Donna7431]

Drink. Yes. I also am drinking to excess. I know somebody must have told you to get on some antidepressants. I had been on them for years prior to this. Still, I wanted to die. I cried daily, screamed at thin air. Thankfully the woman across the street suggested I get a stronger dose, or change what I am on. I went to the doctor and was placed on a higher dose. This has helped tremendously. I still drink. But the dark cloud has lightened.  It is something to try until time passes. God help all of us going through this.

[KMB]

GhostofLight,  I am sorry for your continual pain. I understand where you are coming from. I have been in that dark place myself many times. To pull myself out, I think about my husband and how he lived his life. He was a very productive, active person. He loved helping others. He was kind hearted, generous with his time and wisdom. I would be doing him a disservice of his love and legacy if I didn't try and continue on.

The love of your life has gone onto the next realm of life.  You have self worth and value as a person. Your beloved saw that you were worthy of being loved. Please, don't allow that love to be for nothing. You still have a purpose in this life. We all do. It just takes time and patience to adapt to this different life and make some honest effort in seeking out that purpose.Wouldn't you want your loved one to be proud of you, for taking on the hardest situation as a life partner, we are called on to do?

Have you sought out the help of a grief therapist?

Also, because I, myself, found out the hard way, alcohol is not the answer. Alcohol compounds the grieving. It interferes with the efforts  we need to make in facing grief head on. In order to give ourselves a chance in healing, the emotions of grief need to be allowed to be expressed. Alcohol is also a depressant. We already deal with depression spells, why add to it?

Please, reach out to professional resources for help. Asking for help is a sign of courage, strength. You have that in you. Take care of yourself. Give yourself a chance to become the person your loved one saw that you were capable of being.

[Patti14]

11 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

This will sound crazy, I know, but truth is often stranger than fiction.  In the seventies and eighties the American military sought to appropriate lots of different ideas from the burgeoning new age movement.  Among other things, they dreamt of "super soldiers" capable of walking through solid matter, hypnotizing adversaries, and even killing enemy combatants using only their minds. You can look it up if you don't believe me.

I'm no soldier, but I've been trying to kill myself ever since losing my soulmate back in March.  Nothing too dramatic, mind you.  Not jumping off a bridge or ingesting a bunch of pills.  But every night I've tried to will myself to die.  Every night I wish fervently will be my last night on this stupid, wretched planet.  I've been trying to kill myself with my mind.

Haven't mastered the trick yet, though.  Christ, when will this end.  How many more years?

It seems all I have now is drink.  Yes, I drink far too much now.   I'm an Irish cliche.  But, honestly, what else is there?  What else can I hope for now that the love of my life is gone?

God had his fun, didn't he?  The cosmic sadist.  I hope it was worth it.

I'm so very tired.

 

 

 

 

I know how you feel. I am just so tired and everything sucks without my husband. The feeling of emptiness and being without him is to much to deal with. Some how I make it to the next day I have no idea how. I hope it gets better for us. I just don't see how.

[Francine]

17 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

I've been trying to kill myself ever since losing my soulmate back in March.  Nothing too dramatic, mind you.  Not jumping off a bridge or ingesting a bunch of pills.  But every night I've tried to will myself to die.  Every night I wish fervently will be my last night on this stupid, wretched planet.  I've been trying to kill myself with my mind.

It seems all I have now is drink.  Yes, I drink far too much now.   I'm an Irish cliche.  But, honestly, what else is there?  What else can I hope for now that the love of my life is gone?

God had his fun, didn't he?  The cosmic sadist.  I hope it was worth it.

I'm so very tired.

 

16 hours ago, KMB said:

I would be doing him a disservice of his love and legacy if I didn't try and continue on.

The love of your life has gone onto the next realm of life.  You have self worth and value as a person. Your beloved saw that you were worthy of being loved. Please, don't allow that love to be for nothing. You still have a purpose in this life. We all do. It just takes time and patience to adapt to this different life and make some honest effort in seeking out that purpose.Wouldn't you want your loved one to be proud of you, for taking on the hardest situation as a life partner, we are called on to do?

I am so sorry for your pain; it must be hell.  I think KMB is so on point in her post.  Do you think your wife would want you to continue this way?  I don't think so.  I think she, like all of our love ones, would want us to continue to live our lives.  I believe the hardest part of dealing with losing someone so close is recovering the *you* that went away with them. While she is out of your sight, a part of her has grown in you; so you see, you and she will always be together and never apart; not even death can separate you, because she's your heart, a part of you; and you will carry her with you until you take your last breath.

Sometimes we scream for help but no one hears; or we need a person we can tell everything to who won't judge or try to fix us and there's no one around. And that's when we sometimes reach for a bottle thinking perhaps, just perhaps we'll find all the answers to deal with all our problems.  We won't.  Alcohol is a very effective dissolving agent; it dissolves a lot of things, but NEVER problems. *Not feeling* is no replacement for reality. 

I truly believe when our earthly task is complete, we too will be taken home where our loved ones will be awaiting our return.  Until then, we need to make it our responsibility to make them proud of us and that as easiest as it was for us to give up, we didn't.  I get it - you're tired, fed up, close to breaking, but you've go strength still left in you even when you feel weak.    So if you fall seven times, stand up eight!

 

[GhostofLight]

Thanks for your responses, everybody.

23 hours ago, KMB said:

Have you sought out the help of a grief therapist?

I see an excellent therapist and she's helped me through a lot.  I don't have to tell anyone here, though - all the listening in the world... all the advice... all the support... it still won't bring back our loved one.  What a thing, to be trapped in this world, without hope.

On 10/17/2017 at 9:27 PM, Donna7431 said:

I know somebody must have told you to get on some antidepressants.

I've been on antidepressants for years.  Due to recent events my doctor has tweaked the dosage slightly.  I think it's helped a bit.

Naturally, being prone to depression, I would have to lose not just one, but two loves - and all before the age of 50.  What's that quote about "God never gives you more than you can handle?"  I think I can dispute that.

7 hours ago, Francine said:

I am so sorry for your pain; it must be hell.  I think KMB is so on point in her post.  Do you think your wife would want you to continue this way?  I don't think so.  I think she, like all of our love ones, would want us to continue to live our lives.  I believe the hardest part of dealing with losing someone so close is recovering the *you* that went away with them. While she is out of your sight, a part of her has grown in you; so you see, you and she will always be together and never apart; not even death can separate you, because she's your heart, a part of you; and you will carry her with you until you take your last breath.

Well... gay guy here (raises hand) so we're talking about, respectively, my husband and then a partner I desperately wanted to marry... but I know where you're coming from and I appreciate your comments.  Swap the labels and it's all the same passion and loss.

I don't know.  I don't know what they would want.  I try to think about it in the terms you describe, but...

Everything is so empty now.  I'm an empty person in an empty world.  I give up.

Remember that film, The Mothman Prophecies?

*Minor Spoiler Alert*

At the beginning of the film, the main character, John (a reporter played by Richard Gere) loses his wife in a tragic car accident.

Later on, he's remembering the accident and the aftermath.

John:  "Two weeks ago, we were house hunting. One day you're just driving along in your car, and the universe just points at you and says, 'Ah, there you are: a happy couple. I've been looking for you. I've been looking for you.'"

Boy, do I understand that quote now.

Was that our big crime?  We were just too damn happy?  Boy, there are some strange rules to this game.  Almost like its rigged or something...

There's a horrible, acrid taste in my mouth whenever I think about it - the reality.  Now you don't get the life you wanted.  You'll have to settle.  Gee, how rewarding.

I had a really great day a work.  I'm helping the company make lots of money.  That's all I am, now, a cog in the machine.  I'm alive, but it's a life without meaning.  I guess this is what I have to look forward to.  Someday I'll leave my nieces and nephews a nice little nest egg.  Good for them.

[KayC]

On 10/17/2017 at 5:54 PM, GhostofLight said:

God had his fun, didn't he?  The cosmic sadist.  I hope it was worth it.

I don't see it this way but I surely understand your anger and bitterness...I felt that way myself in the first year, maybe not that strongly, but this has a way of making you question your faith.  I don't see that as a bad thing necessarily, I came through it with my faith even stronger, but oh gosh that first year was hard!  Many say the second year is even harder but I think that depends on what your expectations were, how long you were in shock in the first year, what kind of support you have, etc.  For myself I felt I deserved a badge at the end of the first year just for making it, never mind it wasn't unscathed.  No matter how the second year goes, at least the year of firsts without is done.
I've been married four times and engaged twice besides.  Out of six major relationships, George is the only one that loved me and we truly got each other, it was reciprocal and he was the love of my life.  Odd that God let the others live but my dear sweet husband didn't get to. I can't even try to figure that one out.  But I did my fair share of questioning and lamenting that first year!

[KMB]

15 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

I see an excellent therapist and she's helped me through a lot.  I don't have to tell anyone here, though - all the listening in the world... all the advice... all the support... it still won't bring back our loved one.  What a thing, to be trapped in this world, without hope.

I am glad that you are benefiting from talking to the therapist. You are right. All the listening, advice, suggestions, will not give us what we want, but all the words can help give us a direction onto a path that we can follow for ourselves. We were born as individuals and we are not always given what we want by life, but we are given what we need for our individual souls growth. When it is your turn to be called back to Heaven, all will be revealed as to the whys of this life that you endured.

There is hope. There is hope for all of us here on this forum. We have to make the effort in our grief work to find that hope. A lot of that hope comes from adjusting our own attitudes , having an open mind, trusting God.

[GhostofLight]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't see it this way but I surely understand your anger and bitterness...I felt that way myself in the first year, maybe not that strongly, but this has a way of making you question your faith.  I don't see that as a bad thing necessarily, I came through it with my faith even stronger, but oh gosh that first year was hard!  Many say the second year is even harder but I think that depends on what your expectations were, how long you were in shock in the first year, what kind of support you have, etc.  For myself I felt I deserved a badge at the end of the first year just for making it, never mind it wasn't unscathed.  No matter how the second year goes, at least the year of firsts without is done.
I've been married four times and engaged twice besides.  Out of six major relationships, George is the only one that loved me and we truly got each other, it was reciprocal and he was the love of my life.  Odd that God let the others live but my dear sweet husband didn't get to. I can't even try to figure that one out.  But I did my fair share of questioning and lamenting that first year!

 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

I am glad that you are benefiting from talking to the therapist. You are right. All the listening, advice, suggestions, will not give us what we want, but all the words can help give us a direction onto a path that we can follow for ourselves. We were born as individuals and we are not always given what we want by life, but we are given what we need for our individual souls growth. When it is your turn to be called back to Heaven, all will be revealed as to the whys of this life that you endured.

There is hope. There is hope for all of us here on this forum. We have to make the effort in our grief work to find that hope. A lot of that hope comes from adjusting our own attitudes , having an open mind, trusting God.

 

I won't ever trust God or his lies again ("Fool me once...")   He might be sore about that, but I'm sure he's already forgiven himself - he doesn't really need my forgiveness.  He can, of course, arrange for me whatever eternal agony he likes.  It won't repair our relationship.

In the meantime I'll do my best to avoid him.  Should we run into each other at the supermarket or something I'll give him a nod, but that's it.

 

 

 

 

 

[KMB]

4 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

I won't ever trust God or his lies again ("Fool me once...")

Man made cliches don't have anything to do with God. It is a natural part of grieving to be angry, bitter and blame God for when things go wrong. It is at this time we need to hang onto our faith even more strongly. God never lied and promised this life was going to be a a flower garden. The joys of life need to be balanced by sorrows as well. Otherwise, we would not learn any lessons for our souls growth. Our soul made a life plan with God for our life here before we were born. We need to learn lessons and develop our souls growth for eternal life in Heaven. When we have finished our life plan with the lessons our souls chose to learn, than we leave this earth school and graduate to Heaven.  My opinions, my beliefs about it all. We need to believe and hang onto something to see us through this life and our loss.

I sincerely hope you eventually find peace for your soul. God will always walk beside you no matter how angry you are. He understands our pain and suffering we go through in this life. I don't feel your loved one would wish for you to stay stuck in your grieving forever .He is still with you in this life, only in spirit form.   Have you read any books about the afterlife and the journey of our souls? Have you considered having a medium reading where your loved one can communicate with you?  These are just ideas that some of us have done in seeking our own answers.

[Djh0901kc]

32 minutes ago, KMB said:

Man made cliches don't have anything to do with God. It is a natural part of grieving to be angry, bitter and blame God for when things go wrong. It is at this time we need to hang onto our faith even more strongly. God never lied and promised this life was going to be a a flower garden. The joys of life need to be balanced by sorrows as well. Otherwise, we would not learn any lessons for our souls growth. Our soul made a life plan with God for our life here before we were born. We need to learn lessons and develop our souls growth for eternal life in Heaven. When we have finished our life plan with the lessons our souls chose to learn, than we leave this earth school and graduate to Heaven.  My opinions, my beliefs about it all. We need to believe and hang onto something to see us through this life and our loss.

I sincerely hope you eventually find peace for your soul. God will always walk beside you no matter how angry you are. He understands our pain and suffering we go through in this life. I don't feel your loved one would wish for you to stay stuck in your grieving forever .He is still with you in this life, only in spirit form.   Have you read any books about the afterlife and the journey of our souls? Have you considered having a medium reading where your loved one can communicate with you?  These are just ideas that some of us have done in seeking our own answers.

I don’t mean any offense to anyone. I know pretty much everyone knows I don’t believe the earth school, pre-life plan stuff but I still have a legitimate question about it. Isn’t it kind of sad to think that when we die we have to keep doing it again and again? Wouldn’t it be better to just die and go to heaven and be with our loved ones forever and finally be at peace?

[Francine]

 

6 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

I won't ever trust God or his lies again ("Fool me once...")   He might be sore about that, but I'm sure he's already forgiven himself - he doesn't really need my forgiveness.  He can, of course, arrange for me whatever eternal agony he likes.  It won't repair our relationship.

In the meantime I'll do my best to avoid him.

I think I know where you are coming from.  I am a Christian and sometimes we as Christians may question our faith in times like these;  we backslide, stumble, fall, stray onto the wrong path.  But God is working in me.  I may be a mess, but I'm HIS mess; HE is slowly straightening me out and the day will come when I will be by HIS side, HIS work in me complete. Until that day, I will take HIS hand and let HIM do in me whatever needs to be done not matter how painful;  When HE is finished, it will be worth it.

I was very angry at God for taking my Charles away.  I had all the "why" questions that no one could answer; I just didn't understand and I certainly didn't want to hear people say how much HE loved me.  I thought how could HE and have me suffer so much pain and sorrow.  But I know that HE does.  My belief is that we are all here to learn valuable lessons and when we have, HE takes us home.   When we are annoyed, HE wants us to learn patience; when we are abandon, HE wants us to stand on our own feet; when we are angry, HE wants us to learn forgiveness and compassion; when we hate; HE wants us to learn love; when we are afraid, HE wants us to learn courage; anything we can't control, HE wants us to let go and trust HIM. As much as you want to give up on HIM; HE will never give up on you.  This world owes us nothing; everyone and everything in it belongs to God.  HE has his reason for allowing things to happen and we may never understand HIS wisdom, but we simply have to trust HIS will. "Thy Kingdom Come; Thy Will be done Earth as it is in Heaven".    Like the children that we are, HE knows that we will pout, be angry, stubborn, sore, and untrusting.  HE loves us despite the fact we fail him everyday. 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

The joys of life need to be balanced by sorrows as well. Otherwise, we would not learn any lessons for our souls growth. Our soul made a life plan with God for our life here before we were born. We need to learn lessons and develop our souls growth for eternal life in Heaven. When we have finished our life plan with the lessons our souls chose to learn, than we leave this earth school and I graduate to Heaven. 

Very powerful words - thank you for them.

 

[KMB]

39 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

. Isn’t it kind of sad to think that when we die we have to keep doing it again and again?

It is our soul who makes that choice to keep coming here. Our soul always has free will. Our soul can certainly make that choice to stay in the afterlife for eternity, but, our souls are part of a soul family. Maybe up to 20 souls in any particular family. We make agreements with our soul family if they ask our help for learning lessons here. You and Kayla are soul mates, from the same soul family. Your 2 souls made an agreement for this life, in order to help what each of you wanted to learn and experience for your souls growth. You will be together again in the afterlife when you finish your plan. That is a guarantee.

Some books that would explain it better are: Never Letting Go and Evidence of Eternity by Mark Anthony. Books by Michael Newton and Brian Weiss. There are a lot of different ones out there.

I know you are a skeptic with all this and that is OK. You will be finding this stuff out when you transition over. Once you get back to the afterlife, you will look around and your home there will be familiar, Kayla and those from your soul family, that either stayed there or already transitioned before you, will be there to greet you and there will be a celebration. You accomplished your life plan and that is a reason to party.

It sure would be nice if we could look each other up in the afterlife when we transition over and say to each other, "Hey, this is really what it is"! "Thanks for being there for me"!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Wouldn’t it be better to just die and go to heaven and be with our loved ones forever and finally be at peace?

That IS my belief.  That is what the Bible says.

[GhostofLight]

18 hours ago, KMB said:

We need to learn lessons and develop our souls growth for eternal life in Heaven. When we have finished our life plan with the lessons our souls chose to learn, than we leave this earth school and graduate to Heaven.

I sincerely hope you eventually find peace for your soul. God will always walk beside you no matter how angry you are. He understands our pain and suffering we go through in this life. I don't feel your loved one would wish for you to stay stuck in your grieving forever .He is still with you in this life, only in spirit form.   Have you read any books about the afterlife and the journey of our souls? Have you considered having a medium reading where your loved one can communicate with you?  These are just ideas that some of us have done in seeking our own answers.

 

I actually completely agree with you.  I mean, this experience has definitely taught me a lesson... the twist, though, is that I now know the truth about God.  God's cruelty.  God's evil.  Obviously this isn't the way everyone sees it, and I'm not saying these things to be provocative, it's just the only way I can interpret the data.

Oddly enough, the person who describes it best is C.S. Lewis: 

“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.”
 

Strangely, the realization does bring me a certain peace, almost like leaving an abusive relationship.  The truth hurts, but at least I know.  In a twisted way it explains everything - why the world is the way it is.

"The gods forgot that they made me/So I forget them, too."

I think it's also very much related to being gay.  If you grow up homosexual, you learn pretty quick that religion isn't your friend, so it's not a comfort in the way it is for much of the population.

Definitely going to see a medium.  To be honest I'm skeptical of such things, but I'd really enjoy the experience.  Just to see what comes out of it, basically.

 

 

 

 

[KMB]

6 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Definitely going to see a medium.  To be honest I'm skeptical of such things, but I'd really enjoy the experience.  Just to see what comes out of it, basically.

If you do talk to a medium, ( a reputable, authenticated one) I hope you come away with a better understanding and peace for yourself. Find one who offers a session for at least an hour so you have time to ask questions.

[GhostofLight]

39 minutes ago, KMB said:

If you do talk to a medium, ( a reputable, authenticated one) I hope you come away with a better understanding and peace for yourself. Find one who offers a session for at least an hour so you have time to ask questions.

Since we're on the subject - is there a simple way of finding a reputable, authenticated one?  Like a Yelp for mediums?

[KayC]

CS Lewis was great.  He went through it, he was authentic in his grief and in his relationship with God.  I've always felt I could learn much from him.  He understood the dark night of the soul when we cry out and feel no one answers and God is a million miles away.  Of course he is right there with us but in our consummation of grief we cannot perceive anything but our loss.

[GhostofLight]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

CS Lewis was great.  He went through it, he was authentic in his grief and in his relationship with God.  I've always felt I could learn much from him.  He understood the dark night of the soul when we cry out and feel no one answers and God is a million miles away.  Of course he is right there with us but in our consummation of grief we cannot perceive anything but our loss.

Yes.  Complete agreement here.  "...Observed" really is like distilled grief.  It's not even a book, per se.  More like an experience.  Obviously I've come to completely different conclusions to Lewis, but we were in the same hell.

[KayC]

Our grief evolves and with it so do our responses.  I felt anger and bitterness towards God in that first year.  I couldn't understand, I lamented, "Why!!"  I got through it, you can too.  You're still very new in this.

[GhostofLight]

On 10/22/2017 at 9:30 AM, KayC said:

Our grief evolves and with it so do our responses.  I felt anger and bitterness towards God in that first year.  I couldn't understand, I lamented, "Why!!"  I got through it, you can too.  You're still very new in this.

I appreciate your thoughts.  I'll get through the grief - I don't really have any choice apart from suicide.  But the anger and bitterness towards God are here to stay.  I know who he really is now.

[KavitaHubby]

Wow very nice discussion. I agree with some of the GhostofLight and Donna points and similarly agrees with others (KayC,KMB and Francine). I was believing in god too much first year probably due to fear that if something happens to me what will happen to my kids. For last few months I only prayed few times. Even if I go to pray I can't concentrate and decide to stop right there. Its everyone believe and If god is there God is not so shallow to mind if we like god or not. If we believe god is there then everything is happening as per his/her command and thus me not liking god is what god wants. Alcohol is not solution to anything but if you feel better no harm just make sure you are not addicted to it. I don't drink at least once a week to ensure that. I don't get much sleep but decided not to go for medication as they can be addictive. We will all get thru this grief just the path of journey will be different so hang on everyone we are moving forward 3 steps and 2 steps backward.

Peace

[GhostofLight]

1 hour ago, KavitaHubby said:

If we believe god is there then everything is happening as per his/her command and thus me not liking god is what god wants.

This is kind of what I figure.  He (God) obviously doesn't want to be friends, so he hurt me as much as possible.  It certainly worked.  We'll never have a relationship again.

I may be getting addicted to alcohol, but I don't really care much.  I don't want to be alive anyway, so anything that can possibly shorten my time here is fine.  Life is only precious if it has meaning.

 

 

[KMB]

43 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

Life is only precious if it has meaning.

 

That sentence is true enough. I am sorry and empathize with how you are feeling. You might be around that marker point when the full force of reality is hitting you head on. It is a most difficult part of this grief road. The" no getting around it" and" no going back in time" knowledge that our loved one is no longer here. It hurts big time when our mind gets to that phase that this IS our reality now.

Did your life have meaning/purpose, before you met your loved one? I'm sure it must have had its good points back then, if you are honest with yourself. In time, if you make the effort, you might see hope again for a life that has meaning. It would be a disservice in honor of your loved one if you give up.  (HUGS)

[GhostofLight]

5 hours ago, KMB said:

That sentence is true enough. I am sorry and empathize with how you are feeling. You might be around that marker point when the full force of reality is hitting you head on. It is a most difficult part of this grief road. The" no getting around it" and" no going back in time" knowledge that our loved one is no longer here. It hurts big time when our mind gets to that phase that this IS our reality now.

Did your life have meaning/purpose, before you met your loved one? I'm sure it must have had its good points back then, if you are honest with yourself. In time, if you make the effort, you might see hope again for a life that has meaning. It would be a disservice in honor of your loved one if you give up.  (HUGS)

HUGS to you, as well.

I don't remember the exact quote, but John Lennon talked a lot about the transition from being a Beatle and then back to being his own person after the breakup.  I suppose it's a lot like that.  On levels both conscious and unconscious, two people in love mesh personalities to create something unique and special and irreplaceable.  But when it's over you have to go on this hellish safari where you backtrack and try to figure out who you were to start with... it might take months, or years, or decades...

My life had meaning/purpose before I met my loved one, but I kind of feel like that meaning/purpose WAS to meet him.  So thinking about where to go from here... it just doesn't compute.  He was what I'd always wanted.  The life I'd always dreamt of.  It's like if you've been to the moon... what then?  Anything else is going to be a disappointment.

And I'm surrounded by all this stuff.  Weddings.  Nephews starting college.  Nephews finishing college.  Co-workers buying windows for their home.  Neighbors arguing about what defines "Indian summer."  Strangers who beg me to hold the elevator doors open for just a teensy bit longer.  Talking heads who have very well-informed opinions.  Talking heads who don't have well-informed opinions.  People who sort of recognize me but don't know I've completely lost interest in this world.  Pundits.  Baristas.  Actors.  Cops.  Attorneys.  Telemarketers...

How absurd it is - it all keeps going.  They don't know yet.  They don't KNOW.

I'm invisible now.

But, yes.  I have music.  It's the only thing I understand anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Strangers who beg me to hold the elevator doors open for just a teensy bit longer.  Talking heads who have very well-informed opinions.  Talking heads who don't have well-informed opinions.  People who sort of recognize me but don't know I've completely lost interest in this world.  Pundits.  Baristas.  Actors.  Cops.  Attorneys.  Telemarketers...

How absurd it is - it all keeps going.  They don't know yet.  They don't KNOW.

I'm invisible now.

Have you thought of penning your feelings/thoughts into a sort of poetry?  You're very good at putting things into words, it's very deep, very thought provoking.  It's like WOW, it could be set to music.  it's stuff we can all relate to us, all of us who get it, all of us who have been there...all of us who ARE there.

[Djh0901kc]

11 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

 

My life had meaning/purpose before I met my loved one, but I kind of feel like that meaning/purpose WAS to meet him.  So thinking about where to go from here... it just doesn't compute.  He was what I'd always wanted.  The life I'd always dreamt of.  It's like if you've been to the moon... what then?  Anything else is going to be a disappointment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes yes yes.

The only difference for me is that I started dating my wife when I was 17 so my life didn’t really have much purpose. It was the same dumb teenage life most people have. Go to school, sports, weekends, etc. Then I met this incredible girl who needed me. Taking care of her was suddenly the thing I was best at in the entire world. Just a few months later, my grandpa/father died and all of a sudden SHE was taking care of me and I knew that nothing else in the world mattered as long as we had each other. I was on the moon for 15 years, as you say. Making our own language. Making our own culture. Now she’s gone and I have to go back to Earth as an alien. I’m not the same creature I was before her. It’s not possible to go back.

[KMB]

11 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

But, yes.  I have music.  It's the only thing I understand anymore.

I agree with KayC. Put your feelings, thoughts, your unique way with words, to music or poetry. Loss changes us and redefines who we are becoming and how we view life now. Allow your feelings and your music to lead you down a path that will give you a new, positive purpose. Once you have a purpose, a goal, it will help give your life meaning. One that your loved will will be proud of you for. The best music and lyrics ever written had their beginning with love and loss. (HUGS)

[Jay W]

For the first time in my life I don't care if I die. My affairs are in order but I still have my animals. My mind is going crazy with a bunch  of senseless thoughts and I can't shake them. Now I think that by taking my wife God is purposely punishing me for not being the perfect husband.

Drink does not work. You feel good while you drink or are drunk but you pay the price the next day - hung-over and you have a bunch of empty bottles to pick up. Try marijuana instead.

I have decided that if I am ever diagnosed with a terminal disease I won't go through all the useless procedures. I will lock myself in my garage and run the car motor. Painless and no mess for someone else to clean up.

[KMB]

I am sorry for how you are feeling, Jay W. I do understand, since I had those same feelings, thoughts, as you, in the beginning.  I wish I could say something to change your mind that you are not being punished by God. The God I know is all loving, all forgiving.  We are each here for very special reasons that only God has chosen us for. And I don't feel punishment for being human is one of those reasons.

I went through a short spell of anger myself. I was angry that all my praying to God wasn't curing my husband of his health conditions. I was angry when my husband suddenly left me alone, through no fault of his own. His heart gave out. As humans, we feel the need to find something or someone to blame when things go wrong. God makes an easy target, because we lead ourselves to believe, by our faith, that God is always going to bestow us a good life as long as we are good humans. God never promised us a fun, long life. We wouldn't learn life lessons for our souls growth if everything was always roses here. Those roses carry the thorns of the bad things of life and we have to take the beauty of the rose along with its thorns.  The joys have to be balanced with the sorrows.

Your grieving is still fresh. I know you won't believe this, but over time, your feelings and thoughts will change. Trust me, I didn't believe it either, but they do. Time has a way of changing us, changing our views and perceptions. We were created to be able to adapt, to adjust to the ever evolving  natural process of living and surviving.

I have the "knowing", the belief that my husband is still here with me. My heart is always filled with our love for each other. That love is a bond that connects us and will never break. I am here in this physical realm and that bond of love connects me to my husband in the next realm of life we go to from here. I have no choice but to survive and somehow find the right path I am supposed to be on, to finish out what God needs from me here. I have no idea on how long I am going to be here. But, I have been progressing a little at a time and from tuning into myself, my husband's belief and faith in me, that I will someday figure out the puzzle pieces and accomplish God's plan for me. When I complete that plan, my physical body will be allowed to "die". My reward from God will be that reunion for eternity with my husband. I have to hang onto that belief and consolation.

Hang in there, Jay W. This grieving process does evolve to less difficult days. You will survive and if honest effort is put into the work of grieving, you will come through this. I have faith in you! All of us here are in your shoes and it benefits us all if we stick together and support each other. Our ancestors have survived the loss of loved ones since the beginning of creation. They were able to move forward and we will too.

[Jay W]

I would like to think there is life after death. A place where we will meet our loved ones, human or animal. But I don't know. I am a Christian and not overly religious but I have read passages in my bible plus the Book of Mormon and the bible from the Jehovah Witnesses. It seems they all have different takes on this topic which does confuse and upset me. I talk to my wife every day as well as my departed animals. One bible says that is not possible. We come from dust and we go to dust and talking to or hearing from a departed loved one is just an evil angel from Satan misleading us. My only hope is that when I talk to my wife she hears me and I am waiting to hear from her. One Sunday a few weeks ago a single eagle circled my yard twice at treetop level. I tried to follow it but it vanished. We have eagles but they soar very high and generally in pairs. I want to believe its my wife but certain bibles say I am being foolish. I even had a horned owl sitting in my tree for a day. Very rare in this area and the first I have seen. This gives me faith.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Jay W said:

Now I think that by taking my wife God is purposely punishing me for not being the perfect husband.

I don't think like that.  I think death happens to us rather randomly...one person dies at birth, what?!!  They didn't even get a chance at life!  Another dies in childhood.  Another in young adulthood.  Others in middle age.  Some get to make it to their 90s.  It happens to good people, it happens to bad people.  The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust.  In other words, life (or death) happens to all of us, it doesn't seem to have rhyme or reason.  Our actions or inactions didn't cause our spouse to die, we are not responsible for their deaths.  It's not to punish us.  Some think our work on earth is done...I don't feel George's work on earth was done, I still needed him!  Maybe God felt differently, I don't know.  Was it a matter of his physical body, his machine, gave out or did someone call him home?  I know George loves me and would not want me to struggle alone, would not want to be apart from me, so I don't think he made the decision to leave me.  I've given up trying to figure it all out, it is what it is, I can't change it.  But it's not to punish us, we don't have that much power to mete those kind of consequences.  God is more loving that than.  He cares about our pain and tells us He is with us in all that we go through.  His heart breaks for our pain.  Why did He allow it?  I don't know.  He's removed himself from control over this world for a time when sin entered it...it's Satan who is in control, but even so with some boundaries...but God will rein him in in due time.  It's hard to reconcile, but I accept it on faith...I will be with George again and all of this will no longer be of consequence once we're together again.

I wish peace and comfort for you.  I pray you forgive yourself for what you feel you could of done differently.  We're all human, none of us perfect.  Guilt is a part of our grief, something to deal with, not something to cave in to.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[KMB]

Jay W,   I feel KayC says it well. We all wish we could have changed the outcomes of our loss. In my husband's case, he needed a new heart, kidneys. He survived one major heart surgery, but his body was so broken down, he would not have survived another. These physical bodies we walk around in have their limitations. The downfall of being in this physical world. Just like nature. Every plant and tree eventually starts breaking down on the inside and will fall over.

When I think about what God wants for us, what He sees as most important, is what is inside our hearts. All of us here, on this forum, are here because we loved greatly and our grieving matches that great love.  I don't see why God would be punishing us by taking our loved one away. I just can't believe that. I can only go so far as maybe God saw my husband's broken down body, failing heart and kidneys, his suffering, and called him home. God knows and sees everything. Maybe He saw that there was nothing medically possible to save my husband.

We are not perfect. Humans have their flaws and I feel that if we were perfect, we would not be here. There would be no point to our existence. I believe we are here for the learning experience.My husband and I were not perfect. My husband could be stubborn with his health conditions. He liked his food, too much of the wrong things. I would get frustrated because of his stubbornness. To the eyes of God, that didn't make us bad people. God saw that in our hearts we truly loved each other and that is what counts. We believed in our marriage vows, "in sickness and in health". I remember a couple of times, during unusually busy days filled with a lot of driving, clinics, hospitals, when my husband asked me why did I stick around when his body was falling apart. I would look him in the eyes and tell him how much I love him and that I would never leave him alone, no matter how bad off his health got. We were in this together. When I would say that, I could his love for me radiating from his face and eyes.

My thought process has changed since those early days/months of losing my husband. The trauma of loss messes us up for a long time, but eventually, our feelings, emotions and way of thinking does change. Positively, negatively, depends on the individual.