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jordan-

I'm struggling a lot with my dad's death 8 and half years later... I don't no what to do anymore...

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I lost my dad the month after my 9th birthdsy. it was a Friday morning, I was off school sick then mum got a call telling her about it. my dad left when I was around 2 but and had kids and married to another women but he always made time for me and came to see me at the weekends and took me out. I can't remember anything from before the day I was told wasn't coming back and that he was in heaven , between that day and his funeral which I remember both soo clearly but everything else is a blur , I cry myself to sleep every night at the age of 17 , I hate the thought of Christmas cause his birthdays 3 days after then my 18th birthdays in February and it will be my 9th birthday without him here ,then in March is his 9th year death anniversary, I don't no what to do anymore all I do is cry , I'm so behind in school work I can't focus at all and can't do the work , it's affecting me serving customers where I work and my home life , I've had suicidal thoughts in the past and I'm scared, I just feel like giving up 

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Hi Jordan, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Have you spoken to anyone about this (apart from writing in forums)?
Have you seen a counsellor, spoken with your mother?  A counsellor could help you navigate through the emotions so you can let it go.

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no I haven't spoken to anyone about it , my relationship with mum isn't the best we don't talk much.. I don't can't find trust in anyone to talk to , don't even trust my own family and it's so hard getting away from my family to see a counselor or something 

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Dear Jordan,

I am so very sorry for your loss and continuous pain.  I think the fact that you lost him when you were so young makes it very difficult to come to terms with.  I agree with Tessa that you should try to seek out counselling/therapy a group maybe so you don't feel so alone.  It is hard for all of us losing a parent at any age.  I am still struggling on a daily basis 9 months after my mothers death and I understand your emotions of its just too hard.  A lot of us feel like that.  For you though, you did not have the maturity to be able to process all the grief so young.  It wasn't possible at that age and I think its why you are struggling so much now.  Also turning 18 soon has something to do with it being more difficult.  Entering adulthood.  You need to work with someone to go through all the emotions you are feeling so life can be better.  I don't believe we "let it go" as others say.  I think its more of coming to a place where we accept a different life and can go on to live a different life with less pain and suffering.  I don't think we would ever stop missing that parent and the loss is always there.  i do believe we can get to a place where we can have a life with less struggle.   We are here.  Reading your words and caring.

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it's soo hard , I don't even know what to do anymore , looking back on photos I can't even really remember him at all , it's horrible, I want to remember him, remember times with him  it's like my whole childhood was one big blur. I'm struggling to keep it together, a few of my teachers are saying they are concerned about me because I'm not performing how I used to , I'm a really smiley person never have a smile off my face and I'm just struggling to keep that smile there because that smile is just hiding a load of pain and sadness I just don't want anyone knowing or seeing I'm in pain or upset .  my dad was battling mental health difficulties for 3 years before his death , I've read that it can run in family's and I'm scared because I don't know what his mental health difficulties where and I've self harmed in the past because how much pain I'm feeling but I've stopped doing it and haven't done it in about 5 months that's why I need advice and help , I don't want to s...h...m anymore , I feel weak doing it , I feel weak crying, I feel weak seeking help 

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Dear Jordan,

You are not weak, you are in pain and suffering a lot.  That's not weakness.  It takes incredible strength to ask for help.  Do you have one person in your life you can tell how you're feeling?  A teacher that you like, that you could trust maybe?  I think you really need to get help, please don't think of it as weak, it isn't.  Think of it as the support you never had that you desperately need now.

I understand how you feel about your childhood  being a blur.  I think its because you were traumatised and its difficult to get through that if you haven't received help.  I suspect your mother did not get you support?  Do you think its possible you could ask your mother a bit about your father.  I realise you are not close to her but if you had more information about him, his illness and you were able to discuss more it could be a good beginning for you?  Is it more recently you are not close to your mother or has it been this way a long time?  always?  

I cry every day over losing my mother, I'm about 30 yrs older than you and I'm still crying.  Loss is very hard.  

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I've no one in my life that I trust , I fell out with my best friend from no age about 2 years ago and since then I haven't been able to tell anyone anything , I never told her stuff but right now I feel like a I need someone , my family is so over protective, I just keep myself to myself and try hold things in. there was one of the teachers I trusted but about 4 weeks ago he noticed me falling behind in my art work, not talking or smiling as much as sat down and had a chat to me I just said I was fine , 2 weeks ago I was then called out of registration by my vice principal and she sat me down and said a teacher is very concerned about me and asked what was going on in smiled and said I was fine, I just can't trust him know, I feel like all my teachers know because my other art teacher called me out of class aswell and was trying to talk to me about it aswell as my registration teacher . I'm scared incase they phone home and tell my mum about it , I don't want her to know , never talked about him and I don't want to start now talking to her about him , she has still never told me how he really died , I found out myself and it's hurting me a lot knowing I'm nearly 18 and she's never told me what actually happened to him . I can't remember anything from before or after my dad's death , I can barely remember last year to be honest , only thing that sticks in my mind is my dad's death.  I want my childhood memories back , I hate looking at photos of him and not even remembering him , it's heartbreaking I feel like he wasn't even my dad cause no one talks about him , I can't remember anything , it feels soo strange 

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Hi Jordan, it sounds like you need help. There is no shame in what you are going through. Prince Harry and Prince William are openly speaking about how they were affected by the death of their mother at such a young age. There is no shame and nothing to fear.

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Dear Jordan,

it is heartbreaking that you feel so alone at this age in your life.  I'm so sorry you are in this situation and feel you have no one.  It sounds to me like your school is very concerned about you.  Do you feel angry toward your mom for never talking about your dad?  Maybe she is trying to protect you?  That's the only reason that I can think of.  Take a step Jordan.  I know it's so very hard but I can feel your desperation and I'm worried about you.  Now that you're almost 18, could you say to your mom, I need to know about my dad, it will help me to know about him.

my mom never told me my dad had mental illness.  My aunt told me when I left home and in my 20's.  I was shocked when I found out.  So I asked my mom and she told me the truth.  At first it affected me and I felt angry with her because he was an abusive man and I suffered a lot because of him as a child, as an adult.  If I had known maybe it would have helped me?  Maybe I wouldn't have been so affected by his abuse had I known?  Later I was able to work through it.  It wasn't quick.... as my mom shared more over the years we became closer.  I'm not saying this is your exact situation and this will happen if you ask her.  I think you need to take a step.  Find out who he was, how he died so you know the truth, even if it's difficult.  I think maybe part of your depression comes from not knowing?  A large part of your life is missing and you need to find out.   Please try.

We are here.  We are listening to you and caring.

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I don't want to ask her I shouldn't have to , he was my dad i should be told the truth , from what I remember she has never told me but I can't barely remember last year and before that is a blur ,  very few things I remember from over the years and I don't no why , I was to see if she will tell me first or once I turn 18 and start to drive I'm going to visit his grave and see if I can find people who knew him and could tell me about him

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Dear Jordan,

If you tell no one how you're feeling, no one can help you.  If people understand how deeply you are affected, they can help you but not saying anything, no one can.  Your mom has no idea you are going through all this.  She may not want to volunteer information because you haven't expressed you want to know anything?  What I've learnt is that you never know someone else's experience unless they tell you.  You don't know what happened why she has not said anything?  The only way to find out is to ask.  You could go to where your father's grave every day for months and maybe no one will show up?  What is the worse thing that could happen if you ask her?

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Hi Jordan, as sadandlost has said - if you don't ask, your mother may not know you want to know so she hasn't told you.
Your mother may not know that you want to know or may not think you are ready to hear. She may be waiting until you're 21 before she tells you. Or she may not be telling you because she thinks it might bring up hurt in you.
We don't know why she hasn't told you because you haven't asked her. You're expecting her to tell you something she does not know you want to know.
As sadandlost said - what is the worst thing that can happen if you ask her?

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I don't trust her , we don't talk that much , don't fell like I should have to ask about my dad , I don't want my family knowing how I'm feeling , I don't even want my friends knowing, I'm embarrassed that I'm always upset and crying , I feel like people will just think it's for attention

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Dear Jordan,

I can understand the embarrassment of being vulnerable in front of friends.  I don't agree that anyone would think you just want attention?   I still say ask your mother.  It doesn't matter whether you trust her or not, like her or don't like her or feel close to her.  She has no idea you want to know?  It sounds like she isn't just going to volunteer information.  There is nothing wrong with saying, I need to know about my dad.  You have every right.  Nothing to lose. 

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Hi Jordan, it sounds like you have boxed in your emotions and that is the reason why you feel the way you do. You need to open up and let it out, or it will go round 'n round in your head and drive you mad. I lost my mother 2.5 months ago. I've found talking to my sister about our mother has helped.
You say you shouldn't have to ask your mother. But how does she know you want to know? She can't read your mind.

There is no shame. As I said before, Prince William and Prince Harry had mental health issues over the death of their mother. And Prince William is the future King of England. If a Prince and a future King can have mental health issues, then we can too :) Prince Harry has admitted to seeing a psychologist. There is no shame, it's normal to grieve the loss of a parent.

I was talking to a 50 year old woman on the weekend. She lost her mother when she was 4yrs old. Obviously, she has no recollection of her mother. She still misses her mother nearly 50 years later. All she has is photos. She was only 4. Her younger sister was only 2 yrs old when their mother passed.

Have you looked for mental health organizations in your area? They offer telephone support. Do a google and find someone to talk to. You will be OK, just seek help.

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I don't want to talk to my mum about it don't want to ask her about him , I just want my memories I had with him back , was hard enough losing him never mind losing every memory with him , it's not fair, I don't talk about how I feel or tell anyone what I'm going through because anyone I have tired to tell or trusted in the past has always gave me a reason not to trust them , I just don't have anyone I trust that much to talk to about things ,I won't even talk to my school teachers when they ask because I'm scared my mum will fine out and I really don't want her too , I can't go get help because I don't want her knowing and I don't drive yet so she would have to take me , I've tried finding things online to talk to someone but they mostly have to pay for but I've more things to worry about paying for than help ... 

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Do you have something like Lifeline where you are? Lifeline maybe able to refer you to someone to help you.

 

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Jordan - I am reading thru your posts about the loss of your dad and my heart goes out to you . I also lost my father as a young person . I did not know that there was a grieving process that is normal and it takes time to come to terms with the absence of a parent that is unique to children . 

I understand how painful and frustrating it must be for you . I tried to hold in my emotions and feelings for years . As a result, it has made me develope my own health issues like high blood pressure and fibromyalgia .  At the time , my mom had my siblings to think about , and as a middle child , I was kind of invisible anyway . 

I am deeply sorry for your loss . I also see that in a  way you are protecting yourself from further heartache . What if your mom’s reaction is totally opppsite of what you had hoped for ? What if she makes your efforts to find information about your dad more difficult to acquire ? These are valid concerns . 

I have free reading material for teens dealing with anxiety and depression what is part of a worldwide effort to bring hope and comfort to all persons . I also have an Instagram page dedicated to persons dealing with anxiety and depression . It has practical tips on how to care for oneself , how to process grief and advice for families dealing with mental health issues . Let me know if you would like the link to the free reading material or Instagram account . I stay in contact with several teenagers to just provide a listening ear also . My teenage daughter has anxiety and depression , so I know there is a definite need for them to have an outlet for their thoughts and feelings . 

With Sincere Condolences 

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