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Tanya

the pain hasnt stopped

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Tanya   

its been 2 years since my little dog died.

she was a few days sort of her 6th birthday when i had to put her down, it was the worst day of my life.

i cant get over her, she was my world and i still cant even talk about her without tearing up.

somedays driving home from work i just break down and cry uncontrollably.

its been 2 years, my partner says i just need to get over it, but i just dont know how.

she was everything to me, and i feel like a huge chunk of me has gone, i feel empty, and i physically hurt, my heart hurts.

i cry so much that i get really bad headaches, i feel like im different since she died. i used to be very adventurous and really hyper and cheery all the time, now im lazy and boring and extremely antisocial.

i just miss her so much, i just want to see her again, hold her again. i want her back.

im not coping very well right now

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AJWCat   

Hi Tanya, I am so sorry to hear about your sweet dog. :( I am not coping well either at all. I am just over 2 months after losing our cat in a horrific and sudden way. We were on a long vacation which turned into a nightmare. We actually leave today I feel we are somehow leaving him behind. I don't blame you for being so sad. They truly leave a massive hole in our lives when they are gone. And your dog went young too. Our cat was a rescue from the HS, and I plan on adopting again when I can probably next month. There are some really big "paws" to fill but my life is not complete without a cat in it. Even though I know it will never change or fix what happened to our wonderful cat. Have you considering finding a dog that needs a good home and the love you can give? So many need animal lovers like us. Believe me I know it won't fix what happened, but maybe it's a way to have a happier life again.  

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Tanya   

Ive since adopted 2 cats and a dog. They help. But the hole that she left just cant seem to be filled. The poor dog ive got now. I feel so bad for her. I dont love her like i loved my little dog. All 3 new animals combined dont even come close to how much i loved her. I loved that dog more than anything. I couldnt love a human baby more than i loved her. I know people say that, but i truely mean it. 

I just dont know if ill ever get over it. The pain is so bad tonight. 

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AJWCat   

Well I am glad that you have some animals in your life. I remember when we first got the cat we just lost, 10 years ago, I didn't allow myself to like him much at first. I didn't want to let him replace my other cat(s) I had lost. Eventually though I came to love him and then adore him. I didn't react this badly at all when I lost my first two cats and I'd had them from 19 to 32-33 yrs old. The one we just lost is incredibly bad. Every morning I woke up he'd see I was awake, meow, and come up to me from his spot at the bottom of the bed to snuggle. Unconditional love. So I understand. I am so sorry you have had something so devastating happen, all I can say is I hope it gets better for you. I am two months in and not doing very well. I hope I get better.    

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KayC   

I understand.  Our relationship with our animals is as unique as they are, one doesn't replace another.   Every once in a while we get one that is just special, kind of like a soulmate dog or something like that.  That's how I feel about my Arlie and when he's gone, I don't know how I'm going to handle it.  But I lived through the death of my husband, and he was everything to me, so I guess I will this too.  It's not something we want to think about.  And then it happens and you're stuck dealing with it.  I understand your closeness Tanya.  They say grief is the flip side of love, we grieve to the extent of our love.

Have you tried a grief counselor?  I just saw this today...
http://www.griefhealing.com/pet-loss-counseling.htm

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Tanya   

"we grieve to the extent of our love" were words i really needed to hear.

i thought i was a bit of a freak for being sad for so long, but this really did give me a bit of comfort.

i think talking to a professional (well talking to anyone) would really help (my boyfriend is sick of hearing about it so i cant talk to him)

im so glad i found this place, just telling someone how i feel, instead of pretending im fine, it has helped. 

i cried and poured out all the feeling into the original post, im sad, but i feel relieved that i got it off my chest at the same time.

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KayC   

Pretending is not the answer to grief.  It's bad enough we have to put on a mask at work, but at home we should be able to be genuine and grieve.  

I'm glad, too, that you were able to get it off your chest.  We have an expression at our church, it's "okay to not be okay".  In other words, we need a place to be authentic and let down our hair. 

I've heard it said, "it takes what it takes" and that is so true.  However long it takes, that is what it takes.  No hurry.  It's okay to grieve.  We have, after all, lost someone very dear to us.

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Maria9   

Tanya I am so sorry for your loss and your sadness. You are not a freak, you just loved your doggie so much and you had a very special bond .There are no time frames for grieving ,our heart breaks and it needs its own time to adjust. Please let yourself cry and express your pain, you're among friends here. My kitty was also 6 years old, she was so young...

i totally understand you. I used to be a cheerful person too and now I am just quiet and depressed. I try to keep myself together for my family's sake but it is so hard. I used to have many hobbies and now all I want to do is sleep or watch tv to numb the pain. I am totally different too.. I wish I could help you with the pain but I am still coping with mine. All I can do is listen and share, as well as everyone in this forum. Give yourself time to grieve and time with your new pets. They can not replace your doggie but maybe they'll find a place in your heart as time goes by.

 

 

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Tanya, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my cat last week and although it’s recent, I know I will feel this pain 2 years from now and for life. I have been crying all the time, everywhere as well. Trust me when I say, I know exactly how you feel.  Your dog was lucky to have you and I know for a fact she knew it, animals always know. Your post reaches home to me, my baby was only 9. I see many posts on here of animals passing but I am sure you can agree with me on the frustration of “why so soon? I thought I would have them for such a while longer” because that’s all I keep thinking about. 

Also, I would like to tell you that you may be angry at your partner for telling you to get over it, but I’m sure they don’t mean to hurt you, they just don’t get it. I have sent my condolences to people in the past for losing their pets, but now I know how bad the pain is because I am experiencing it. I also have told people to try and move on when their loved ones have died, but now I know now that is not easy, nor is it something anyone wants to hear.

i have heard it all. From, don’t worry you’ll move on, to “well how about just getting another pet?” And while that is not something we want to hear, I have learned to not be angry at others but try to understand that they simply don’t understand. 

I hope this somewhat helps, and again I am so sorry for your loss 

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Nancy007   

Hello 

I’m new here and thought i would read many messages relating to pet loss as I did not realise how badly it would effect me.  So numb with it all and feeling lost after having our dog Boomer put down last night.  He was quite elderly and would of been 16 years old next March.  He was healthy for most of his life and no major visits to the vets.  But at this grand old age and with arthritis in his limbs and lumps appearing we did the best thing for him.  But you do feel if maybe he was seen sooner would he have survived longer.  No Boomer appearing from behind the sofa and so many memories everywhere it’s just heartbreaking.  

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AJWCat   

Hi @Nancy007, I am so sorry to hear about sweet Boomer. Many of us feel as you do... if we had acted sooner maybe they could have lived longer. It is easy to feel that way. Please don't let the guilt and 'what-ifs' plague you. This strange guilt we put ourselves through (almost always over things we have no control over) makes the grieving process that much more difficult and painful. 

Obviously you had a wonderful life with Boomer and he was so lucky to have you!  It sounds like it was his time. It does not make it any easier. But you did the compassionate thing for him.

All I can say is, I know your pain. It is heartbreaking. We know how much we love them when they are here but then when they are not, it's like the world is off its axis. (At least it was for me!) You are not alone. Come back and write more and read more if it helps. Lots of support here.    

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Nancy007   

Hello A Cat

many thanks for your message it certainly helps to talk about losing a pet and to know there is support as well.    I think it’s not the act of putting him to sleep as he seemed to go painlessly and quickly but the fact he is no longer here.  I just got home from work (I work evenings) and automatically went to look behind sofa where his bed is and the realisation I won’t be doing anything with him.  It’s just so quiet.  He was a big part of our lives and especially mine taking him out to different places for his daily walks and visits to family members.   I am so lost with out him I think even the cat senses something is different.  There are so many reminders; dog food dog bowl leads treats toys bed.   Thanks again and hope your loss gets easier in time. 

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KayC   

Nancy,

I'm sorry for the loss of your Boomer.  He had a good long life with you but no matter how long they live, it's never long enough for us, we miss them so much!  Losing my husband was my hardest loss but I'd have to say loss of pets were next...I've had a lot of losses in my life.  Our animal is our daily companion and interact with us in our lives continually, our routines are intertwined with them, so when they're gone, it's so noticeable it shouts at us!  My heart goes out to you as you go through this trying to adjust, it's tough.

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Maria9   

Nancy I am so sorry for your Boomer. I feel your pain , I know what you mean "it is so quiet". It is so painful when our pets are gone and every inch of our house reminds us of their not being here. It is so hard to live with this. But it will get easier as time goes by. Come in this forum to write about your feelings when you need to express them, it helps. We all understand.I pray that you find strength and comfort during this difficult time.

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Nancy007   

Many thanks for your reply it does help to know that you understand what it feels like to lose a pet who was your life.  I don’t think I spent much time away from Boomer in all the years we had him.  And I never envisaged that I would feel like this.  I was feeling strong and together when we took him to the vets and knew we probably would not bring him home.  It was the kindest thing to do.  But now I am left with nothing but sorrow and emptiness.  Walking about in a daze with no particular purpose.  I hope you are recovering and that it does get easier one day. 

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KayC   

It's hard.  I come on here every day and I have a dog that is nearly ten (his Golden Retriever side is expected to live 9 years and his Husky side 10-12 years) and a cat that is 21 and I know they haven't a lot of years left...it scares me, I don't know how I'll handle it when that time comes.  I did NOT expect to lose Miss Mocha last year!  I guess I'll have to deal with it the same way I've dealt with every loss in my life, including my husband, one day at a time.  It was hard when I was a teenager and lost my 3 year old nephew...no one talked to me about it or helped me through it, grief was foreign to me and I didn't know what to do with my feelings.

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Maria9   
58 minutes ago, Nancy007 said:

Many thanks for your reply it does help to know that you understand what it feels like to lose a pet who was your life.  I don’t think I spent much time away from Boomer in all the years we had him.  And I never envisaged that I would feel like this.  I was feeling strong and together when we took him to the vets and knew we probably would not bring him home.  It was the kindest thing to do.  But now I am left with nothing but sorrow and emptiness.  Walking about in a daze with no particular purpose.  I hope you are recovering and that it does get easier one day. 

Thank you. I have two boys and two other kitties (and two doggies in the garden) so I cannot say I was spending much one-on-one time with my Sissy. I regret this so much. .She was part of my family and I loved her but i never knew how much.And nothing prepared me for the pain I would feel . You were blessed to have spent with Boomer so much time. But I know this doesn't lessen the pain and the emptiness. And this thing about having no purpose is very familiar. I am so sorry you are going through this too. It will not always be this way and, at least here, we understand and support each other.

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Maria9   
48 minutes ago, KayC said:

no one talked to me about it or helped me through it, grief was foreign to me and I didn't know what to do with my feelings.

It is such a heavy load to experience a huge loss like this at this tender age and not to be able to share it or express it. My heart breaks  for you, for that teenage girl. Sometimes adults want to protect children from  loss by not talking about it, but they make things so much worse.

And you've come such a long way from this because you're a very helping and healing presence in this forum

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KayC   

Thanks, Maria.  There was a lot more going on at the time, I had two sisters brain damaged from that accident, one was in a coma two weeks, another 4 1/2 months, it left her quadriplegic and unable to communicate.  The other one has damaged equilibrium.  This was 50 years ago.  

One thing I've noticed is it can drive families apart or bring them closer together, depending on how everyone handles it.  It's my hope that those of us going through loss, any kind of loss, can find loving support with our families.

Nancy, it does affect our purpose, it kind of leaves us feeling cast adrift.  It took me years to process my grief from my husband's death, and years more to find purpose, years more yet to build a life I can life.  Pets can affect us very deeply, having them in our lives, and thus losing them.  My pets are my family, they are who we live with, interact with, who greets us, who gives us purpose and meaning to our lives.  They are the ones we love and are loved by.  It's no wonder this hits us so hard.

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Maria9   

KayC I am so sorry for what you and your family went through, that you had to face all this....it is one of the heartbreaking "why"s in this world, that these things happen....

It is true that our families can support us in our loss, but in the loss of our pets this becomes more difficult. It is not that they don't want to. It's just that they don't feel the loss like we do. They don't know what to say or do, they feel helpless in the face of our grief. And sometimes ,we,  not to upset them,put on a brave face for them. But inside we feel so alone. It's all so complicated :(

All what you say about purpose is so true. We have to build an entirely new life.

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AJWCat   

Agree Maria. I just can't keep saying the same thing to my family or friends. And what can they say? 

And as for life... I have come to realize it's not just losing the pet, you lose all the many things you did with and for that pet. It really does shift your whole life. I could list a minimum of 10 things I did with/for my cat each day that all gave me joy and they just disappeared. 

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Maria9   

I know what you mean......All the routines ,the little rituals, are gone with them......I wish I could say the same thing, because I wish I had spent more time with her .But I didn't have  established routines with my kitty,except feeding and playtime (  and playtime too was somewhat erratic  during the day ). The time we spent together was more like spontaneous, from both sides  . She spent most time with my youngest teenage son and she mostly slept with him. I loved her so much  but many times it was hard to divide my attention among my 3 kitties, so that no one would feel unloved.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            For me it is more like a general sense of loss. A loss of safety, a loss of identity. Like my human family my cats always made me feel happy and secure, like the ground under my feet. Now i feel like I am standing on a void. I miss my kitty's presence so much,  the world is so different.                                                                                                                                    I still have the same feeding/playtime schedule with my two other kitties but it makes her absence more evident.                                                                                                                       Apart from these differences, I know that you and I, and everyone here, are facing the same emptiness when our pets are gone, like losing a piece of our heart.....                                                                                                                                                    

 

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KayC   
18 hours ago, Maria9 said:

It's just that they don't feel the loss like we do.

That's true of all loss.  No one felt the loss of my husband like I did either.  People may offer sympathy for a couple of weeks but then they've moved on...we never do.

When you've lost a pet, employers are less likely to understand.  Some people actually say, "It's just a dog/cat!"  They don't get that it's a member of our family, our best friend, the one we looked forward to coming home to at night!

 

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