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When does it get easier? Stress after death


Sasha35

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Dear All,

Tomorrow it will be 4 months since I lost my partner. The amount of stress I have endured since then has been unbelievable. I am barely hanging on. When will it get easier???

My partner was 43 and he suffered a brain stroke due to a blood cloth on a flight back from his business trip. When he didn't come home that evening, I was searching for him the whole night. During the night I called embassies, police, flight companies, emergency rooms and hospitals in a desperate attempt to find him. Finally, I did. He was in coma in a hospital in Vienna, Austria to where he had the connecting flight. I drove there immediately and stayed there for two weeks. During this time the doctors first prepared me for his death. Then he started slowly waking up a week later, but staying in a locked-in syndrome (the worst possible nightmare). Finally, before he was to be transported to our home country, he suffered pulmonary embolism due to another cloth and died instantly. I organized his funeral alone. 

I was left alone with six-month old baby twins, who barely got out of hospital, because they were born prematurely. I was left with an unfinished house that I am now building alone. I was left with unrealized wedding plans for next year. I was left with his parents who he financially supported for years and our now suing me and the girls for more money. I was left with his businesses in three countries, numerous apartments, stocks, investments that I never handled before. I was left with a will that he wrote three days before his trip although he was not sick. I was left with my highly dysfunctional family that showed zero sympathy for my situation and offered no emotional support. I was left completely broken.  

Since then I am working on myself like crazy. I got a therapist, used medicine, went to a medium, yoga classes and energy specialist. I read tons of books on self-help and young widows (I am 35). All of these things helped. I want to be better, handle all the stress better, have a normal life again with the girls...but there are just days when I think this will never get easier...

Somehow, his death makes sense and I made peace with it. He was the love of my life, I cry every day, I miss him like crazy, but I understand. What I can't handle is all the additional stress brought on by the things I have to manage now. Before this I was a free spirit, backpacking around the world and suddenly I am a single Mum with two lawyers in different countries and handling matters I am only learning about as I go along. All I really want to do is mourn him in peace and spend time with my girls. I am mad at the situation that prevents me from doing this. How do you cope with all the stress after death? When does it get easier? I appreciate any kind word as I am now a broken spirit. Thank you. 

Sasha

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Dear Sasha35, 

i hear you and feel for very much for you. My dear had heart attack about 4 mths ago at the age of 48 and I am 37. When does it get better?? That will depend on individual but it will get better. As we all say, take one day at a time but as you have so much on your plate. Maybe is a good thing to write a to do list and kept referring to that, that's what I did to make sure I have space to mourn while I managed to keep things around me going. 

I wish things are easier for all of us. Hugs.. and be strong which I think you are but do cry when you need to. That what I did too. 

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It never gets easy but it gets easier. In the first place it takes a lot of time to realize what happened and that it really did happen.
All this **** surrounding the death of a loved one is a nightmare.
Most of the time we just have to function so I think it's important to find a few moments each day to get away from it all and remember the partner and what they meant to us, figuring out what we want to do, what we have to do.
Having kids can help a lot because you still have an important purpose in life. It doesn't take away the pain but it forces you to keep going. Of course it can be overwhelming at times but it's something to hang on to.
Another important thing is not to expect anything from others (family, "friends"). They don't know what you're going through. They may want to help but have no idea how. Don't get upset about anything they might say or do. They don't know any better.
Mostly you're on your own, save the disappointment, it's the same for almost all of us.
As hard as it is you have to focus on your future and the future of your kids.
If you feel like crying, cry. If you think about all the good times you had, enjoy the memories. Think about what you had and not what you might have missed out on.
I know this sounds trite, but it's the only way not to loose our mind in the process.
It's been over a year for me and I'm still struggling to follow my own advice. But we didn't choose this path, we just have to follow it.
Hang in there.

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Sasha,   I am so sorry for your loss and for all that you are enduring, on top of raising 2 little ones.

On 10/14/2017 at 11:43 AM, Sasha35 said:

Since then I am working on myself like crazy. I got a therapist, used medicine, went to a medium, yoga classes and energy specialist. I read tons of books on self-help and young widows (I am 35). All of these things helped. I want to be better, handle all the stress better, have a normal life again with the girls...but there are just days when I think this will never get easier...

Sounds like you are doing the right, healthy things in helping yourself. We need all the resources available to us during this process. Your babies will benefit from your self help as well.

 

On 10/14/2017 at 11:43 AM, Sasha35 said:

How do you cope with all the stress after death? When does it get easier?

There are no quick answers/solutions. The best advice I have been given is to take it one day at a time. The legal, financial issues can be dealt with one at a time and will work themselves out as they are meant to be.  As for stress, it does help to give yourself some quiet time here or there,  just to do some deep breathing and try to place your mind into a relaxed state. Easier said then done of course. It does take practice. I found for myself that taking walks is helpful. Focusing on nature, the fresh air and getting out of our mind for awhile.

When does it get easier? I don't know about* easier*, but over time you will see that some things are getting less difficult. We are all on the same grief road, but our paths are individual. No time frame or rules. It is definitely a go at your own pace.:wub:

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Sasha,

Wow, that is a lot.  One day at a time was the best advice ever given me.  An attorney can handle some of it.  Place you and the babies first, ahead of anyone else's demands.  That his parents would sue you is abominable, in my opinion.  You likely would have done what you could for them.  Now it's hard to know how to respond but your children will need provided for.

It's so unfortunate that just when you need to devote your time to grieving there are all of these other demands on you.  Did he have any business partners or CEOs that could handle some of the businesses until you are more able and ready?  His parents want provided for, let them take care of one of the businesses!  Sorry, it seems everyone has their hand out but no one wants to help.  I'm sorry your family isn't much support either.

I'm just so sorry for your loss and for all you are going through.

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On 10/14/2017 at 11:43 AM, Sasha35 said:

Dear All,

 I am barely hanging on. When will it get easier???

I was left alone with six-month old baby twins, who barely got out of hospital, because they were born prematurely. I was left with an unfinished house that I am now building alone. I was left with unrealized wedding plans for next year. I was left with his parents who he financially supported for years and our now suing me and the girls for more money. I was left with his businesses in three countries, numerous apartments, stocks, investments that I never handled before. I was left with a will that he wrote three days before his trip although he was not sick. I was left with my highly dysfunctional family that showed zero sympathy for my situation and offered no emotional support. I was left completely broken.  

Somehow, his death makes sense and I made peace with it. He was the love of my life, I cry every day, I miss him like crazy, but I understand. What I can't handle is all the additional stress brought on by the things I have to manage now. Before this I was a free spirit, backpacking around the world and suddenly I am a single Mum with two lawyers in different countries and handling matters I am only learning about as I go along. All I really want to do is mourn him in peace and spend time with my girls. I am mad at the situation that prevents me from doing this. How do you cope with all the stress after death? When does it get easier? I appreciate any kind word as I am now a broken spirit. Thank you. 

Sasha

Sasha,

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss and commend you for finding the peace within yourself.  I think that's half the battle.  You certainly have a full plate and talk about stress, you certainly have that.  It's not the load that breaks you down, it the way you carry it.  Perhaps, just maybe it's not suppose to be stress-free for you.  Maybe you're one of those "rare" individuals who can handle tough times and still come out stronger.  It will be hard, but guess what, life is hard, and some days life is just rough; sometimes you just gotta cry before you move forward and all of that is OK.  Maybe it's going how it's going because you're built for it.  It doesn't get easier; it gets different.  Take a step back, inhale and exhale.  Remember who you are and why you're here; and know you're never given anything in this world you cannot handle.  You are stronger than you realize; so love yourself and take care of those beautiful girls.  They are your number one concern; everything else is second nature.  Always remember, keep moving forward.  Sometimes life breaks your heart, but it doesn't need to break your spirit.  When my spirit is heavy, my heart broken, my burdens unbearable, I trust in God and look to HIM.

My prayer is for God to enlighten what's dark in you; strengthen what's weak in you; mend what's broken in you, bind what's bruised in you; heal what sick in you and revive whatever peace and love died in you.  Stay strong.

 

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Dear All,

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. On a really bad day it is the kind words that lift me up, words mostly coming from strangers.

One of the most difficult things in the past months has been the lack of support from his and my family. My family helps with occasional babysitting and with the papers, but they can't handle emotional situations. They were solved with alcohol, attempts of suicide, violence in the past. My partner supported his parents for all the wrong reasons, I'm afraid. His father is in prison for financial debt and is an alcoholic and his mother is an eternal victim who is entitled to everything. So, in this difficult situation, I cannot find any sympathy for them, as it seems that their son was only a cash machine to them. I do have some friends who help me, but of course everybody has their own lives and small babies, so it is difficult for them to be there for me. I also learned that with a tragedy like mine, a lot of people turn away, because it is too difficult to watch. The babies are my angels and my salvation. It is just hard, because I am not only a Mum, I am also a person who lost an amazing partner. I try really hard not to get lost in other people's needs, as I want to be better first, so I can be the best mother to my girls. I am afraid it is true that ultimately you are alone in such a situation and you can't expect too much from other people, especially when it comes to emotional support. If you never went through something like this, you just can't understand. 

Although it is extremely difficult, I do find gratitude for this situation. I will never be the same again, but I will be stronger, braver, a better mother and person. My partner had a lot of stress because of his parents and I was the same. There are huge life lessons that I learned from his death. I just wish that I could leave all the things that don't matter to me alone. No amount of money will bring him back, but people tell me to fight for the girls' future. So I am torn. I guess one of the biggest lessons for me is also patience. And to trust that in the end things will turn out okay. 

Thank you again to everybody. I wish you a peaceful journey.

Sasha

 

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3 hours ago, Sasha35 said:

Although it is extremely difficult, I do find gratitude for this situation. I will never be the same again, but I will be stronger, braver, a better mother and person.

That is something many never come to realize or it might take them years to see it.  It is seldom expressed as others take it the wrong way, they major rebel against finding any good in this situation.  The truth is there are often two sides to a coin, we have but to flip it over to see it but all we tend to see is what is right in front of us. 

You are right that we can't expect much from others...they have their own lives to live and it's too hard for them to view death, etc.  HOWEVER, I would still think a true friend would make attempt to be there for us.  Mine and George's did not.  I've learned from my situation how to be there for a friend who is grieving.  Especially, don't run away from them.

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Hang in there, Sasha. You are doing as well as can be expected, with your unique, unfortunate circumstances. Sometimes, those of us who have lost our beloveds suddenly, are left with situations that make our loss even more overwhelming to cope with.  You have an awesome attitude and you definitely will become stronger, braver, a better mom and person!  You are right. There are many lessons we learn on this grief road. Those lessons are hard to see in the beginning, but when we reflect on our progress, we come to recognize them.

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Dear KayC and KMB,

Thank you for your understanding. I am not grateful that my beloved died, but I can't change that. I do however want to continue a meaningful life. I know he is now my guardian and I want to make him proud. And make myself proud. And to learn from the whole situation. I guess I have sometimes trouble accepting that a few good days are followed by really bad days. That's when I think all my work is for nothing. But grieving has ups and downs. And I have met new extraordinary people on the way. I just wish that they, although I am better,  would not take that for granted. It has only been 4 months.

One great lesson I learned is also that there is nothing I can control. That I need to let go. This is where I still have trouble, because I would like to finish all of these side things I need to deal with and some are just beyond my control. I also got this urge that I need to help people in a similar situation. Tomorrow I actually have an interview set up with one of the newspapers to talk about coping with loss. So I can perhaps help somebody with my experience as you are all helping me here. Thank you again for talking to me in my dark days!

Love, 

 

Sasha

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Sasha,  letting go with  the concept that we think we are in control is a good lesson. We do have control over certain aspects of our life, but, for the most part, we don't. It is unfortunate that something negative has to happen for us to learn that lesson. But that is just it with life lessons, we need to learn the hard way.

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18 hours ago, Sasha35 said:

I am not grateful that my beloved died

Of course you're not!  I'm sorry if that's the impression I left you, what I was referring to are the things we learn through this process.  There's not a one of us that wouldn't choose to have them back if we could! 

I think it's great that you are wanting to help others with their loss.  You have an understanding of what it is to go through it that people who have not had that experience cannot.  I started a grief support group in my community and it has been so affirming to see the changes in the people from when they started to now. 

 

 

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

Sasha,  letting go with  the concept that we think we are in control is a good lesson. We do have control over certain aspects of our life, but, for the most part, we don't. It is unfortunate that something negative has to happen for us to learn that lesson. But that is just it with life lessons, we need to learn the hard way.

I so agree!

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On 10/16/2017 at 5:21 AM, Sasha35 said:

Dear All,

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. On a really bad day it is the kind words that lift me up, words mostly coming from strangers.

One of the most difficult things in the past months has been the lack of support from his and my family. My family helps with occasional babysitting and with the papers, but they can't handle emotional situations. They were solved with alcohol, attempts of suicide, violence in the past. My partner supported his parents for all the wrong reasons, I'm afraid. His father is in prison for financial debt and is an alcoholic and his mother is an eternal victim who is entitled to everything. So, in this difficult situation, I cannot find any sympathy for them, as it seems that their son was only a cash machine to them. I do have some friends who help me, but of course everybody has their own lives and small babies, so it is difficult for them to be there for me. I also learned that with a tragedy like mine, a lot of people turn away, because it is too difficult to watch. The babies are my angels and my salvation. It is just hard, because I am not only a Mum, I am also a person who lost an amazing partner. I try really hard not to get lost in other people's needs, as I want to be better first, so I can be the best mother to my girls. I am afraid it is true that ultimately you are alone in such a situation and you can't expect too much from other people, especially when it comes to emotional support. If you never went through something like this, you just can't understand. 

Although it is extremely difficult, I do find gratitude for this situation. I will never be the same again, but I will be stronger, braver, a better mother and person. My partner had a lot of stress because of his parents and I was the same. There are huge life lessons that I learned from his death. I just wish that I could leave all the things that don't matter to me alone. No amount of money will bring him back, but people tell me to fight for the girls' future. So I am torn. I guess one of the biggest lessons for me is also patience. And to trust that in the end things will turn out okay. 

Thank you again to everybody. I wish you a peaceful journey.

Sasha

 

Sasha, 

I really admire your strength to keep moving forward. Although we all know that it is really a struggle and never easy. You are one of the people here in this forum that had encourage and motivate me to keep trying and don't give up . I appreciate you all here. I don't post a lot because English is not my first language and it's hard for me to express myself in writing but I come here everyday to read.  

 

It's been 11 weeks since I lost my husband and I miss him so much . But I know that no matter how painful and difficult it is for me to continue my life without him I still get up in the morning pray to God and still be thankful for what I have right now. I find ways to help me with my grieving because I chose to live a fuller and meaningful life that I know my husband will be proud of me. It's not easy, I tell. There are times I also want to just be with him and not continue anymore but I just give myself time to cry , be angry, be miserable then I will get up and try again. I also understand the stress  having to handle and fix some stuff that are rated to their passing. My husband's case is still under investigation and some immigration matters to be handled . 

Just saying you are amazing person and when you feel like things are getting so overwhelming again and painful it's ok to cry and be sad 

By the way, I love your id name . My husband's short name in Russian is Sasha too.:) 

Hope you all have a Blessed day

 

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9 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

Just saying you are amazing person and when you feel like things are getting so overwhelming again and painful it's ok to cry and be sad 

Maria,  You are an awesome person as well. In fact, I think all of us here are awesome people. We are all trying to survive the loss of the person most special to us, our other half. We did not consent to our losses, but we do need to continue on the best we can .A great warrior always bucks it up and soldiers on!

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

Maria,  You are an awesome person as well. In fact, I think all of us here are awesome people. We are all trying to survive the loss of the person most special to us, our other half. We did not consent to our losses, but we do need to continue on the best we can .A great warrior always bucks it up and soldiers on!

Thanks KMB , I definitely agree. 

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On 10/16/2017 at 3:08 PM, KMB said:

Sasha,  letting go with  the concept that we think we are in control is a good lesson. We do have control over certain aspects of our life, but, for the most part, we don't. It is unfortunate that something negative has to happen for us to learn that lesson. But that is just it with life lessons, we need to learn the hard way.

KMB, This is so true.  I always thought that if we had an income, a home, and each other, that everything will be OK.   Little that I know that something can sweep one of us away from the other without any warning.   We are vulnerable.  We definiately do not have control of our life.   We are very vulnerable.

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11 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I always thought that if we had an income, a home, and each other, that everything will be OK.

I always thought the same. My husband and I lived our lives doing good for others. We took the time in helping and showed respect and tolerance, patience. We watched the news and saw bad things happening to others. I never gave a thought that something bad could happen to us, to me. Leading a good, morally right life doesn't leave us immune to the vulnerabilities of loss.

I always thought that I might die before my husband. I am a smoker. Lung cancer, fatal stroke or heart attack could have taken me out. Still could, but now, I wouldn't care, to be honest. I used to tease him about it and he would say, no, you are not going anywhere. We used to banter that if something happened to him first, that I would spend my time filling up the property with rescue animals. I don't have the heart for it now. When I look at that possibility of a rescue shelter from the financial logistics, it wouldn't be feasible for me. And even if it was, at my current age of 58 and still a smoker, there is no one to carry on a rescue shelter.

I so wish I could take back every word in teasing or bantering with my husband about death. it is permanent and heart rending. Nothing to joke about. A lesson learned the hard way.

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21 minutes ago, KMB said:

I always thought the same. My husband and I lived our lives doing good for others. We took the time in helping and showed respect and tolerance, patience. We watched the news and saw bad things happening to others. I never gave a thought that something bad could happen to us, to me. Leading a good, morally right life doesn't leave us immune to the vulnerabilities of loss.

Your post really highlights the framework which may show the purpose of being here on earth.   You do good things.  You help others.  You live a good life.  Yet, you are rewarded with immense pain from the loss of a spouse.   There has to be so much more to this.   Perhaps there is some purpose to this tragedy.  It is meant for things to develop.    Perhaps at the end, things will figure itself out and will fall into place.   When we return home to the spirit world, we will realize why the events unfolded the way it did and things will for once, make sense.

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45 minutes ago, Azipod said:

When we return home to the spirit world, we will realize why the events unfolded the way it did and things will for once, make sense.

I certainly hope so. The hard part is the waiting for that day I go home.

But really, what can come of our tragedy of loss that is better than than our spouse and our together life?  I had a so so crappy life before my husband. The years with my husband were the best of my said life so far. Now, my life is miserable and lonely without him.

No matter the clarity and wisdom I have gained from the "spiritual" aspect of this existence, my husband's physical absence will always be front and center.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Your post really highlights the framework which may show the purpose of being here on earth.   You do good things.  You help others.  You live a good life.  Yet, you are rewarded with immense pain from the loss of a spouse.   There has to be so much more to this.   Perhaps there is some purpose to this tragedy.  It is meant for things to develop.    Perhaps at the end, things will figure itself out and will fall into place.   When we return home to the spirit world, we will realize why the events unfolded the way it did and things will for once, make sense.

When my husband passed on I had a lot of thinking that goes with a lot of questions. When I pray I always ask God why all these bad things keep happening  to me especially with all my relationships. First relationship I was physically abused , my second was emotional abused because of his drug addiction and then losing my husband in a terrible accident. Also I have a son that I couldn't build a good relationship because we were separated for so many years. He was mad at me for leaving because I had to get away in an abusive relationship and move abroad so I can give him a better future. I always put others first before me and willing to sacrifice even my happiness just to make others happy too. When life seemed to be falling into place and when I started feeling the joy that I was longing before When I met my husband then another tragedy happen. I know it's very hard to make sense in all of this right now because we are not fully aware of everything that sorrounds us. I just pray that I could be strong enough and open enough to keep going and finish whatever purpose I have in this world. 

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5 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

 I know it's very hard to make sense in all of this right now because we are not fully aware of everything that sorrounds us. I just pray that I could be strong enough and open enough to keep going and finish whatever purpose I have in this world. 

You ARE strong, Maria. Every challenge/obstacle we face in life makes us stronger. I think of them as lessons for our souls growth. We might not think of it that way, at the time. But, there is supposed to be a silver lining behind every dark cloud. Keep praying, and God will lead you on your own, unique path. Our reward is in Paradise with all of our loved ones who are already there, waiting for us.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

 Our reward is in Paradise with all of our loved ones who are already there, waiting for us.

Oh. I so cannot wait for the day.  I feel so jealous that my wife crossed over to a place of joy, peace, with nothing but love.

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20 hours ago, KMB said:

I so wish I could take back every word in teasing or bantering with my husband about death. it is permanent and heart rending. Nothing to joke about. A lesson learned the hard way.

We didn't know.  George and I had our conversations about it but we really didn't have a clue what it'd be like.  How can you imagine the unimaginal?!

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19 hours ago, Azipod said:

When we return home to the spirit world, we will realize why the events unfolded the way it did and things will for once, make sense.

Yeah, and I think what we've been through will fall away, all that will matter will be our being together again!

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

Our reward is in Paradise with all of our loved ones who are already there, waiting

Can't wait for that day. 

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1 hour ago, Maria0419 said:

Can't wait for that day. 

+1.   Believing that I will be there one day is pretty much the only thing that carries me on these days.  I'm managing.  I'm not miserable.  But I do wish that I can go there as soon as possible.    

 

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