Anniversary

[Patti14]

Today is our anniversary and 3 weeks since my husband passed away. He always made this day so special. This is the first time I have ever been sad on this day. It is so hard to do this without him. He should be here with me. This is so unfair. I love and miss him so much!

[KayC]

Patti,

I am sorry, I know how painful that day always was for me, ours is in five days.  How different it would be if he were here!

I hope you can find something of some help to you in how to handle special days here:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

Whether it's releasing a balloon with a message in it or other ritual, it can help to do something meaningful on that day.  Some choose to go to their favorite restaurant or cook their favorite meal, in their honor. Or light a candle for them.  Whatever way you choose to spend the day, I hope you find some comfort.

[Patti14]

31 minutes ago, KayC said:

Patti,

I am sorry, I know how painful that day always was for me, ours is in five days.  How different it would be if he were here!

I hope you can find something of some help to you in how to handle special days here:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

Whether it's releasing a balloon with a message in it or other ritual, it can help to do something meaningful on that day.  Some choose to go to their favorite restaurant or cook their favorite meal, in their honor. Or light a candle for them.  Whatever way you choose to spend the day, I hope you find some comfort.

Thank you I appreciate it. My husband always made this day so special for us. He went above and beyond. All I want is to have him here with me. I don't care about anything else. That would be the best gift ever but it's never going to happen.

[cjoney]

I recently had my husband's birthday, 8 days after he passed away and what would have been our 36th anniversary, 2 months after. My husband had bought me a couple of Wedgwood pieces, which I collect before he went into the hospital. He was in a coma by the time I looked at them. I had told him not to buy anymore because I didn't have room. I'm so glad now that he did. I ordered myself a musical teddy bear that plays Elvis for myself for the anniversary as he usually bought me some Elvis memorabilia. We used to go away for at least a few days each year but hadn't talked about it this year. Last year, he was in a nursing home for rehabilitation so I got Chinese takeout and a cake. We had to stay in his room because he had c-diff and he was considered contagious.

I'm sure you'll find your own way to celebrate what should have been. I'll be praying for you.

[Patti14]

11 minutes ago, cjoney said:

I recently had my husband's birthday, 8 days after he passed away and what would have been our 36th anniversary, 2 months after. My husband had bought me a couple of Wedgwood pieces, which I collect before he went into the hospital. He was in a coma by the time I looked at them. I had told him not to buy anymore because I didn't have room. I'm so glad now that he did. I ordered myself a musical teddy bear that plays Elvis for myself for the anniversary as he usually bought me some Elvis memorabilia. We used to go away for at least a few days each year but hadn't talked about it this year. Last year, he was in a nursing home for rehabilitation so I got Chinese takeout and a cake. We had to stay in his room because he had c-diff and he was considered contagious.

I'm sure you'll find your own way to celebrate what should have been. I'll be praying for you.

Thank you I am sorry for your loss as well. I really don't know how to celebrate or if I am even up to it. He always planned our special day. This is not how today is supposed to be. I am having a really tough time. I miss my husband so much and can't imagine all the time I have left without him. 

 

[KMB]

Patti,  I hope you are able to find a little peace and comfort today. Special days are so very tough. Even if you sit somewhere, light a candle, talk to your husband and have a private celebration, he will see and hear you. Even in Heaven, our loved ones don't forget special days.

[Patti14]

3 minutes ago, KMB said:

Patti,  I hope you are able to find a little peace and comfort today. Special days are so very tough. Even if you sit somewhere, light a candle, talk to your husband and have a private celebration, he will see and hear you. Even in Heaven, our loved ones don't forget special days.

Thank you. It is so hard he always made our Anniversary so special. I miss him more than anything and just wish I could give him a hug and feel his arms around me.

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

I miss him more than anything and just wish I could give him a hug and feel his arms around me.

Sadly, we all wish for that. It hurts so very much not to have their physical presence.

[Patti14]

36 minutes ago, KMB said:

Sadly, we all wish for that. It hurts so very much not to have their physical presence.

I know we all wish that or else we would not come on here for some kind of hope.

[KMB]

2 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I know we all wish that or else we would not come on here for some kind of hope.

It sucks. Every day and night is lonely, but the weekends are somehow the worst. Another Saturday night and wishing my husband and I were watching tv together.

[Patti14]

3 hours ago, KMB said:

It sucks. Every day and night is lonely, but the weekends are somehow the worst. Another Saturday night and wishing my husband and I were watching tv together.

Same here. That was our thing watching TV together. I was so excited that our Anniversary was actually on a Saturday this year. Then I end up celebrating it alone without him. I ended up having some apple Jim Beam to celebrate since he loved apple stuff and whiskey. I hate whiskey but wanted to feel close to him.

[KMB]

13 hours ago, Patti14 said:

but wanted to feel close to him.

We do whatever we need to, in order to feel that sense of closeness. I wear a shirt of my husband's when I'm feeling really low and I sleep with a winter ski hat of his. He wore that same winter hat all our years together and I mended it quite a few times. He was very partial to it and so am I.

[Patti14]

19 minutes ago, KMB said:

We do whatever we need to, in order to feel that sense of closeness. I wear a shirt of my husband's when I'm feeling really low and I sleep with a winter ski hat of his. He wore that same winter hat all our years together and I mended it quite a few times. He was very partial to it and so am I.

Yeah I wear my husband's shirt to. I sleep holding the shirt he was wearing the on Friday before he passed away on Saturday. I love his things and would be lost without them. That is even more lost without them than I already am.

[Francine]

On 10/14/2017 at 7:49 AM, Patti14 said:

Today is our anniversary and 3 weeks since my husband passed away. He always made this day so special. This is the first time I have ever been sad on this day. It is so hard to do this without him. He should be here with me. This is so unfair. I love and miss him so much!

I feel you.  I think when you do *solo* for the first time, without your husband at your side, it will be the hardest you'll ever do.  It has almost been a year since my Charles was taken from me and some of my  *solo* moments, where I thought would be difficult, were not as hard as I'd imagined and there were others that were harder than I thought.   It doesn't seem like a year has almost come and gone when it feels like only yesterday that my Charles left this world.  I often think when we wed, we vowed to spend the rest of our lives living and loving together; then I realize, he did.  I too agree that he should be with me but I smile because I know he loved me until the day he went away and will keep loving me until the day we're together again - only this time, it will be for eternity.

[Patti14]

1 hour ago, Francine said:

I feel you.  I think when you do *solo* for the first time, without your husband at your side, it will be the hardest you'll ever do.  It has almost been a year since my Charles was taken from me and some of my  *solo* moments, where I thought would be difficult, were not as hard as I'd imagined and there were others that were harder than I thought.   It doesn't seem like a year has almost come and gone when it feels like only yesterday that my Charles left this world.  I often think when we wed, we vowed to spend the rest of our lives living and loving together; then I realize, he did.  I too agree that he should be with me but I smile because I know he loved me until the day he went away and will keep loving me until the day we're together again - only this time, it will be for eternity.

It definitely was a very hard day not having him here with my on our Anniversary. I made it through but I really don't know how. I am waiting for this feeling like I got kicked in the gut really hard to go away. I miss him so much. I guess I am selfish because I feel like him loving me for the rest of his life wasn't good enough I want more.

[KMB]

43 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I guess I am selfish because I feel like him loving me for the rest of his life wasn't good enough I want more.

We are all selfish in this grieving. Death is a tough concept to acknowledge when we are so intimately, directly, impacted by it.

[Francine]

47 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

It definitely was a very hard day not having him here with my on our Anniversary. I made it through but I really don't know how. I am waiting for this feeling like I got kicked in the gut really hard to go away. I miss him so much. I guess I am selfish because I feel like him loving me for the rest of his life wasn't good enough I want more.

I know about the gut feeling only too well; but hang in there.  Sometimes the most amazing things tend to happen right at the moment when they seem to be going down hill and you're about to give up hope; everything comes to us at the right time - God's Time.  For me, God holds my today and tomorrow in the palm of HIS hands and no matter what comes against me, I'm secure and safe in HIS hands.  There is a lot of things in my life that I don't understand; and perhaps it not meant for me to; however,  sometimes I just close our eyes, take a deep breath and say, God I know this is YOUR plan; just help me get through it.  Hang in there and stay strong; You're always in my prayers.

[Patti14]

54 minutes ago, KMB said:

We are all selfish in this grieving. Death is a tough concept to acknowledge when we are so intimately, directly, impacted by it.

I am having such a hard time with it today. I feel like I am going crazy. I can't take it. I miss him so much.

[Patti14]

53 minutes ago, Francine said:

I know about the gut feeling only too well; but hang in there.  Sometimes the most amazing things tend to happen right at the moment when they seem to be going down hill and you're about to give up hope; everything comes to us at the right time - God's Time.  For me, God holds my today and tomorrow in the palm of HIS hands and no matter what comes against me, I'm secure and safe in HIS hands.  There is a lot of things in my life that I don't understand; and perhaps it not meant for me to; however,  sometimes I just close our eyes, take a deep breath and say, God I know this is YOUR plan; just help me get through it.  Hang in there and stay strong; You're always in my prayers.

I feel like I lost the best part of me. I don't know how to be without him. I am going crazy. I don't even know what to do with myself.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

It definitely was a very hard day not having him here with my on our Anniversary. I made it through but I really don't know how. I am waiting for this feeling like I got kicked in the gut really hard to go away. I miss him so much. I guess I am selfish because I feel like him loving me for the rest of his life wasn't good enough I want more.

I'm not sure it ever gets any easier.  It's a day we feel their absence so keenly, they should be here celebrating the most important day of our lives with us.  I'm glad you made it through the day.  Sometimes we have to settle for having survived something.  Of course we want more, that's not selfish, it's natural to feel that way when you love someone.

[Patti14]

41 minutes ago, KayC said:

I'm not sure it ever gets any easier.  It's a day we feel their absence so keenly, they should be here celebrating the most important day of our lives with us.  I'm glad you made it through the day.  Sometimes we have to settle for having survived something.  Of course we want more, that's not selfish, it's natural to feel that way when you love someone.

Yeah I don't think it will ever get an easier. I love him so much. I lost the best part of me. The world seems so dark now. It definitely was a better place with him in it.

[Francine]

38 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I feel like I lost the best part of me. I don't know how to be without him. I am going crazy. I don't even know what to do with myself.

I so feel you.  Same here.  I did loose the best part of me, hands down, and there are times when I feel like I'm going crazy, especially at night.  I often lay awake at night and take a stroll down memory lane with tears rolling down my cheeks.  Remembering my Charles is easy; I do it everyday, but missing him is a heartache that never seems to go away.   I have him in my heart, or where it used to be (you see my heart went with Charles when he left this world), somewhere inside me, he is.  And he will remain there until I take my last breath.  And while life will go on without him, for me, it stopped; it's like a photograph, a moment frozen in time. 

You see the day Charles left this earth was the biggest shock my entire life and nothing prepared me for it.  I didn't know what to do then, and I live each day wondering how I'm going to get through it now; and then I remember he would have wanted me to.

[Patti14]

9 hours ago, Francine said:

I so feel you.  Same here.  I did loose the best part of me, hands down, and there are times when I feel like I'm going crazy, especially at night.  I often lay awake at night and take a stroll down memory lane with tears rolling down my cheeks.  Remembering my Charles is easy; I do it everyday, but missing him is a heartache that never seems to go away.   I have him in my heart, or where it used to be (you see my heart went with Charles when he left this world), somewhere inside me, he is.  And he will remain there until I take my last breath.  And while life will go on without him, for me, it stopped; it's like a photograph, a moment frozen in time. 

You see the day Charles left this earth was the biggest shock my entire life and nothing prepared me for it.  I didn't know what to do then, and I live each day wondering how I'm going to get through it now; and then I remember he would have wanted me to.

This is definitely the biggest shock of my life and I don't know how to recover from it. I don't even know what to do with myself. I am so alone and I miss him so much. It's a never-ending cycle of pain everyday. I wake up and repeat everything everyday. I am an empty shell. Nobody really understands and it is so lonely.

[KayC]

We do get more accustomed to being alone but loneliness still hits some.  This isn't the shock it was 12 years ago but a certain amount of it we have to live with.  That's what people don't get.  We're never "over it".

[Patti14]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

We do get more accustomed to being alone but loneliness still hits some.  This isn't the shock it was 12 years ago but a certain amount of it we have to live with.  That's what people don't get.  We're never "over it".

Yeah I don't feel like I will ever get over this. I can't breathe without him. My mind won't shut off. I am not happy at all. I know people around me are getting tired of it. I don't want to be at work. I am a shell of a person sitting here but I am not here. I don't know how to recover from this. 

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

Yeah I don't feel like I will ever get over this. I can't breathe without him. My mind won't shut off. I am not happy at all. I know people around me are getting tired of it. I don't want to be at work. I am a shell of a person sitting here but I am not here. I don't know how to recover from this. 

I feel for you, Patti. You are still in the very early days and I know exactly how you are feeling. The mind is constantly racing with thoughts of our loved one. The day they left.The thoughts of being suddenly left alone in a cold, cruel world that keeps on going. We don't know what to do with ourselves, or, for ourselves. We are scared, insecure, lost and confused. And very lonely for the one person who could make everything all better again. I don't think anyone gets "over" it. We  just slowly adapt to carrying our loss and hiding it deep inside. What really hurts is others behavior in our immediate environment. The ones who were not directly impacted by our loss. They go on with their lives and have no clue, no understanding, that for us, life has stopped.They have no empathy, no compassion, no patience with us. They want us to get over and get on with it. There is no such thing for us. Until it happens to them, they never will see how hard coping with the loss of our other half truly is.

[Djh0901kc]

15 minutes ago, KMB said:

I feel for you, Patti. You are still in the very early days and I know exactly how you are feeling. The mind is constantly racing with thoughts of our loved one. The day they left.The thoughts of being suddenly left alone in a cold, cruel world that keeps on going. We don't know what to do with ourselves, or, for ourselves. We are scared, insecure, lost and confused. And very lonely for the one person who could make everything all better again. I don't think anyone gets "over" it. We  just slowly adapt to carrying our loss and hiding it deep inside. What really hurts is others behavior in our immediate environment. The ones who were not directly impacted by our loss. They go on with their lives and have no clue, no understanding, that for us, life has stopped.They have no empathy, no compassion, no patience with us. They want us to get over and get on with it. There is no such thing for us. Until it happens to them, they never will see how hard coping with the loss of our other half truly is.

KMB is right. Everyone wants you to get over it. And you’re right as well. People are tired of you being sad. It doesn’t make any sense to those of us trying to blunder through life as half a person but it’s unfortunately true. One day maybe they will understand but for now just try to do your best. Do whatever you need to do to help you make it through today. And then do the same thing tomorrow. It’s all we can do. Stay strong.

[Patti14]

20 minutes ago, KMB said:

I feel for you, Patti. You are still in the very early days and I know exactly how you are feeling. The mind is constantly racing with thoughts of our loved one. The day they left.The thoughts of being suddenly left alone in a cold, cruel world that keeps on going. We don't know what to do with ourselves, or, for ourselves. We are scared, insecure, lost and confused. And very lonely for the one person who could make everything all better again. I don't think anyone gets "over" it. We  just slowly adapt to carrying our loss and hiding it deep inside. What really hurts is others behavior in our immediate environment. The ones who were not directly impacted by our loss. They go on with their lives and have no clue, no understanding, that for us, life has stopped.They have no empathy, no compassion, no patience with us. They want us to get over and get on with it. There is no such thing for us. Until it happens to them, they never will see how hard coping with the loss of our other half truly is.

Exactly those are my exact thoughts and feelings. They definitely don't get life has stopped for us. Everyone at work goes around talking about their husbands and it makes me mad.

[Patti14]

6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

KMB is right. Everyone wants you to get over it. And you’re right as well. People are tired of you being sad. It doesn’t make any sense to those of us trying to blunder through life as half a person but it’s unfortunately true. One day maybe they will understand but for now just try to do your best. Do whatever you need to do to help you make it through today. And then do the same thing tomorrow. It’s all we can do. Stay strong.

They definitely don't understand and they go around talking about your husband's. I get it your life isn't over but try not to talk about it around me.

[KayC]

I never knew how insensitive people were until my husband died.  And I know it's out of ignorance but that doesn't help us take it.
We don't recover from this, but little by little we adjust.  Time alone does nothing to heal, it's what we do with that time.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Patti14]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I never knew how insensitive people were until my husband died.  And I know it's out of ignorance but that doesn't help us take it.
We don't recover from this, but little by little we adjust.  Time alone does nothing to heal, it's what we do with that time.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you for all the tips and advice. I am trying it is just so hard. The me I was is definitely gone. I have never been on my own before..I have been with my husband since I was 19. This is a big adjustment for me. I don't know how to be on my own. As I have stated before my job that I worked at for 15 years outsourced our department. So I started a new job September 5th. With my husband's encouragement I liked the job. Now I don't know if I like the job or not. I don't know if I don't like it because if the situation or if I really don't like it. I want my old job back and my husband. To say the least 2017 was not my year. I also lost my Mom 9 years ago she was only 52 when she was away. My husband got me through that. Bf far though losing my husband was much worse. 

[KMB]

8 hours ago, Patti14 said:

. I also lost my Mom 9 years ago she was only 52 when she was away. My husband got me through that. Bf far though losing my husband was much worse.

I also feel that losing our significant others is the worst, besides losing a child.   You will survive, Patti. You have never been on your own and I know how terribly frightening that is. You will come through the other side of this dark tunnel a strong, confident, self reliant person. You will have our encouragement along the way.

[Patti14]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Since you are fresh in your loss, Patti, there is no need to push yourself yet. Give yourself time to work up to getting out. Take a baby step with something. If you fail, that is OK. There is plenty of time to try again. If you succeed with something, give yourself a pat on the back or a hug. We stumble and fall quite a bit. The main thing is to keep getting back up and trying again when you feel able.

 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

I also feel that losing our significant others is the worst, besides losing a child.   You will survive, Patti. You have never been on your own and I know how terribly frightening that is. You will come through the other side of this dark tunnel a strong, confident, self reliant person. You will have our encouragement along the way.

Thank you! I appreciate that. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am trying it is just so hard.

I know.  It gets old.  We lose motivation, even if you had your old job, you probably wouldn't be feeling it right now.  I figure if I get done what I must, that's enough.  The zest is gone, I just want my husband back, I've been doing this long enough!  But I keep going.  Having him back isn't a choice availed to me.  When I woke from my dreams this morning, I thought about how his eyes were a little crepey and how vulnerable it made him look.  And his throat too, it was so soft.  How that little wispy curl would escape his hair and fall across his forehead.  I loved to touch it.  We were so in love.  I could never feel this way about anyone else.  I've never FELT this way about anyone else!

[Patti14]

9 minutes ago, KayC said:

I know.  It gets old.  We lose motivation, even if you had your old job, you probably wouldn't be feeling it right now.  I figure if I get done what I must, that's enough.  The zest is gone, I just want my husband back, I've been doing this long enough!  But I keep going.  Having him back isn't a choice availed to me.  When I woke from my dreams this morning, I thought about how his eyes were a little crepey and how vulnerable it made him look.  And his throat too, it was so soft.  How that little wispy curl would escape his hair and fall across his forehead.  I loved to touch it.  We were so in love.  I could never feel this way about anyone else.  I've never FELT this way about anyone else!

I know what you mean I loved to run my fingers through my husband's goatee. Loved looking at his smile with his dimples. I was myself around him. He made me feel comfortable and safe. He loved me for me. He loved all my flaws and never judged me. I loved him and still do. I have never felt this way about anyone else and never will again. It's sad because I am only 38 and my life has ended. I don't know how to be alone I have been with him for 20 years. It makes my heart break all the stuff he is going to miss out on. 

[KMB]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

  We were so in love.  I could never feel this way about anyone else.  I've never FELT this way about anyone else!

 

5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

He made me feel comfortable and safe. He loved me for me. He loved all my flaws and never judged me. I loved him and still do. I have never felt this way about anyone else and never will again. It's sad

The both of you said it all so well.  I totally avoid the concept of ever being with someone else, no matter how lonely I feel. I could never expose or share my inner self to anyone else other than my husband.

[Patti14]

3 hours ago, KMB said:

 

The both of you said it all so well.  I totally avoid the concept of ever being with someone else, no matter how lonely I feel. I could never expose or share my inner self to anyone else other than my husband.

I know I can't imagine it either and I am not even 40 yet sounds so very sad and lonely.

[Paluka]

25 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I know I can't imagine it either and I am not even 40 yet sounds so very sad and lonely.

Now is not the time to be considering such a proposition. I am only 50 and with my family's genetics I will probably live another 40 years or more. Our focus needs to be on healing and surviving. Any one of us may choose to never be with anyone else and that is fine. However, I do not see the need to consider a life alone when we are so new and our wounds cause us enough pain. My only goal is to help my son continue with his life and for both of us to heal. I have no desire to be with anyone but Lauri.  

[Patti14]

28 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Now is not the time to be considering such a proposition. I am only 50 and with my family's genetics I will probably live another 40 years or more. Our focus needs to be on healing and surviving. Any one of us may choose to never be with anyone else and that is fine. However, I do not see the need to consider a life alone when we are so new and our wounds cause us enough pain. My only goal is to help my son continue with his life and for both of us to heal. I have no desire to be with anyone but Lauri.  

That's true now is not the time to be thinking about that. It's just hard not to when you miss them so much. That is a good goal to have. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Paluka said:

I am only 50 and with my family's genetics I will probably live another 40 years or more.

I was 52 when George died and my family lives well into their 90s.  I hope I don't, I would like to pay my place off before I die to make it easier on my kids but it won't be paid off until I'm 80.  Now I'm 65 and that's another 15 years.  I don't like to think about it, how I'm going to do it, so back to "one day at a time" or "living in the present" as Azipod says.