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Almost one year since I lost my sister to accidental overdose. Still struggling to pick up the pieces.


Murgatroyd

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In exactly 2 weeks it will be 1 year since my little sister died of an accidental overdose at the age of 30 leaving behind her 10 year old son. I found out on Facebook and had to call my parents to tell them that their baby was dead. Though I think about it nonstop, this is my first time writing about it. 

Im stuck. 

Im stuck in this gut wrenching grief that I just can't get past. I remember the weeks after she passed telling my mother that it will get better. "This pain cannot last or we will die," I told her. Ignorance on my part. I had never lost anyone close to me. She was my little sister. She was 2 years younger than I. We shared a room my whole life. Our parents were divorced when I was 6 and she was 4, and my mother became an alcoholic so we really only had eachother for most of our lives. 

I miss her so much it still hurts. Not just the heavy feeling in my chest or the constant lump in my throat, or the burning feeling in my face waiting for my tears to rush down and put the sting out. Everything hurts. 

I feel so alone all the time. I feel like no one understands. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We are currently going through divorce and it probably has a lot to do with the loss of my sister. I'm not the same. My family isn't the same. 

Now we just received the news that my Dad has stage IV cancer of the pancreas. I'm devistated. 

But still all I can think about is my sister and how she is gone forever. Why?!!!

Do something positive I thought!! Channel your anger and sadness and make a difference, right?My older sister and I organized a vigil for International Overdose Awareness Day this past August. I figured I think about her all day everyday I might as well make it count. We had over 75 grieving but healing loved ones attend, and 40 photos sent in of those lost to overdose that we displayed in a memorial. It comforted  us to know we weren't alone in our grief, but the pain is still there. 

One year without her. I feel like I've been in a fog. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. There is hope, I just know it. 

 

 

 

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Heartbroken87

As i readi cried its been a year since my childs father passed from a accidetal overdose. I had to notify his father. I remember the shriek of a grown stoic man say no yall lying and silence. That silence is a perfect metaphor for our pain. I understand feeling withdrawn or having to motivate yourself cause you cant help but say why? For what? Nothing matters, i still check fb expecting him to post. All i can say is we have to live with the thought that we were blessed to have them for such a short time.

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My brother Tommy, died on August 9th.  A work related accident, that offered no warning of any kind.  I'd say the shock has worn off, but it seems to recycle over and over. 

   We were adopted together, full brother and sister, and so close, from the very beginning.   I'm sure people say all the time, that they never expected to bury someone so young.  But it's true, I never fathomed that I'd be grieving the loss of my little brother.  I don't even think that all of the 'stages' have set in.  Since all I feel is the continuous loop of anger and bone deep grief. 

   As a side note, there was no warning that all of my friends, or supposed friends would decide that grief was too much for them, and cut all Contact.  Mostly they just ignore and avoid contact of any kind.  

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7 hours ago, Silverwolf86 said:

My brother Tommy, died on August 9th.  A work related accident, that offered no warning of any kind.  I'd say the shock has worn off, but it seems to recycle over and over. 

   We were adopted together, full brother and sister, and so close, from the very beginning.   I'm sure people say all the time, that they never expected to bury someone so young.  But it's true, I never fathomed that I'd be grieving the loss of my little brother.  I don't even think that all of the 'stages' have set in.  Since all I feel is the continuous loop of anger and bone deep grief. 

   As a side note, there was no warning that all of my friends, or supposed friends would decide that grief was too much for them, and cut all Contact.  Mostly they just ignore and avoid contact of any kind.  

 My so called friends and some family members also decided that my grief was too much for them. What makes me so angry is the fact that they can't handle MY grief. Like they are sick of me being in pain. How do they think I feel??!! I'm sick of it too and if I could just get some support and kindness maybe I would be doing better? I just lost a job that I've worked for the past 5 years last week. My boss and "so called friend" explained in a text message.. 

"As both your friend and your boss I always appreciate the job you do, but I feel both of those relationships have been strained with some of the recent events. I know you have a lot going on which is why you're so defensive and stressed..."

I will now probably find another job and not even mention that I had a sister that meant so much to me. It's not that I expect people to understand, bc I don't think you can until it happenes to you and even then all loss is unique. I just want some compassion. Maybe some kindness. I don't want to be shamed for something I have no control over. 

Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. I can imagine how close you two must have been with your situation as children. I'm sure you two share a bond that will never be broken even after this life. I remember reading about the 'stages' of grief also and trying to pin what stage I was in at that point. I feel like I was feeling all of those feelings at once.. sadness, denial, anger... The one that hit me the hardest was guilt and it still hasn't gone away. Not just guilt about my sister but guilt about everything even things that were never my fault. It doesn't make sense but I can't help it. 

I know that at the 3 month mark after my sister passed I was heading in a downward spiral. I was angry and depressed. I decided to quit drinking and I started going to the gym to release some of the anger I was feeling. It helped for a couple months. If I could go back I would have came to this forum and also found a support group near me. I'm going to start doing that now. I think it's really important to talk about your feelings and surround yourself with people who understand you and don't judge you.  With the year mark approaching and my grief still running my life I'm understanding that it won't just go away. I just need to learn how to cope and what I'm doing now isn't working. I know our brothers and sisters want us to live and be happy. I think we want to also.

So we WILL find a way

 

 

 

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On 10/14/2017 at 11:13 AM, Heartbroken87 said:

As i readi cried its been a year since my childs father passed from a accidetal overdose. I had to notify his father. I remember the shriek of a grown stoic man say no yall lying and silence. That silence is a perfect metaphor for our pain. I understand feeling withdrawn or having to motivate yourself cause you cant help but say why? For what? Nothing matters, i still check fb expecting him to post. All i can say is we have to live with the thought that we were blessed to have them for such a short time.

You're absolutely right, we were so blessed to have them. Im so sorry for your loss, hugs to you and your child. <3

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It breaks my heart to read that you and others are suffering this terrible existence right now, and in convinced always will.  

   For me, it's not been three months yet, but it's weird, like a timeless rotation, that brings you back to square one, when I was told my brother died.  

   The hardest part right now, is to absolute stupid, trite comments that people make!!!  "He's in a better place, he's never gone, it'll get better".  The worst was a woman I've known for years, saying that her sons breakup from his girlfriend was 'like a death'.  And tried to make a comparison.  It's like people either put their foot in their mouths, or they ignore you.   Murgatryod; you said it exactly,  how do they think you, or I feel?  We are actually 'surviving' this horror right now.  It stuns me that people can be so emotionally stunted, and fearful. That the moment they are needed the most, they leave.  

  I think the moments I hate the most, are being numb....I'd rather barely be hanging on by a thread than feel like my body and mind have shut down, and don't care.  

P.S.  I am also so sorry that you were leg go from your job, over an event you never had control over.  It has to be so very painful to be pretty much abandoned by a place you've been with for so long, because your boss is emotionally retarded.  

    I think it's ok for us to not feel good, or be ok ourselves.  What else could you expect?  

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I also wanted to say, Murgatroyd, that I'm so sorry for you, for loosing your sister.  I meant to state that earlier, but am finding that higher brain function isn't exactly at my disposal right now!  My heart breaks with you, truly.  

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