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Patti14

Angry

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Patti14   

I am angry and bitter today. I hate this new reality. What did we do to deserve to lose the ones we love. What did they do to deserve to not be here anymore. I was happy. Our life was not perfect but it was perfect for us. It was an amazing life. Now I am never going to be me again. I want something that I can never have. He loved me and made me feel safe. I have memories of him everywhere but he's not here. He's the one who dropped me off at work everyday and picked me up. We laughed and joked all the way home. We listened to each other about our day. We had dinner together. We layed in our bed and watched TV together. He took me out to dinner all the time. We shopped together. He taught me so much about life. He was intelligent, charming, handsome, funny and full of life. He always gave  kids and people advice. He always took people in and would give the shirt off his back to help anyone. It is so heartbreaking that he worked so hard and never got the chance to retire or enjoy life after working. We always helped everyone out and were looking forward to our time together when it was just us and that never happened. I only had twenty short years with my love. Now I am 38 years old and miserable and alone.

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KMB   

Patti,  it is okay to feel angry and bitter. I was too for awhile. I was angry at my husband for leaving me alone. When we were dealing with a rough patch with his health, I would often tell him he had to stay healthy, because I didn't want to be here alone without him. I was angry with his doctors because I felt they were not doing their job. I was angry with life in general. The whole unfairness of everything .Anger is a phase of the grieving process and thank God, when my brain fog started clearing a little, I was able to think more logically. We have no control over the fates of life. The joys get balanced by the sorrows. Stuff happens and people die. It happens everyday. But, we never think it can happen to us. It is a huge blow when it does.

A good part of our grieving is for ourselves. We just didn't lose our soul mate, we lost our life as we knew it and we lost ourselves. We are so confused and lost. We have no idea on what to do or which direction to take. It is like we got dumped out in the desert somewhere, no sight of anything to help us. We go into survivor mode and do the best we can with the hand that life dealt to us.

 

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Patti14   
3 hours ago, KMB said:

Patti,  it is okay to feel angry and bitter. I was too for awhile. I was angry at my husband for leaving me alone. When we were dealing with a rough patch with his health, I would often tell him he had to stay healthy, because I didn't want to be here alone without him. I was angry with his doctors because I felt they were not doing their job. I was angry with life in general. The whole unfairness of everything .Anger is a phase of the grieving process and thank God, when my brain fog started clearing a little, I was able to think more logically. We have no control over the fates of life. The joys get balanced by the sorrows. Stuff happens and people die. It happens everyday. But, we never think it can happen to us. It is a huge blow when it does.

A good part of our grieving is for ourselves. We just didn't lose our soul mate, we lost our life as we knew it and we lost ourselves. We are so confused and lost. We have no idea on what to do or which direction to take. It is like we got dumped out in the desert somewhere, no sight of anything to help us. We go into survivor mode and do the best we can with the hand that life dealt to us.

 

Yes I definitely feel like I was dumped in a desert. My heart breaks for all the things my husband should be a part of and didn't get the chance to.  I am angry that all I have is memories and pictures and I don't have him here to protect me and love me. I need a hug from him. He is the one I told everything to. I want something I can never have and it is so hard to deal with. There is no more Patti and Greg just Patti and that sucks so bad. I want Patti and Greg not just Patti. Just Patti is awful. 

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Francine   
11 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am angry and bitter today. I hat this new reality. What did we do to deserve to lose the ones we love. What did they do to deserve to not be here anymore. I was happy. Our life was not perfect but it was perfect for us. It was an amazing life. Now I am never going to be me again. I want something that I can never have. He loved me and made me feel safe. I have memories of him everywhere but he's not here. He's the one who dropped me off at work everyday and picked me up. We laughed and joked all the way home. We listened to each other about our day. We had dinner together. We layed in our bed and watched TV together. He took me out to dinner all the time. We shopped together. He taught me so much about life. He was intelligent, charming, handsome, funny and full of life. He always gave  kids and people advice. He always took people in and would give the shirt off his back to help anyone. It is so heartbreaking that he worked so hard and never got the chance to retire or enjoy life after working. We always helped everyone out and were looking forward to our time together when it was just us and that never happened. I only had twenty short years with my love. Now I am 38 years old and miserable and alone.

Wow!  You just posted the mirror image of my life with my Charles.  I know about the loneliness and as much as people may think they know what you are going through, they don't.  Nobody knows the real me.   Nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room, by myself when nobody is watching; nobody knows how many times I've lost hope, how many times, I been let down; nobody knows how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap, but don't for the sake of others.  Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad and feel there's no way out of this horror.  Nobody - knows - me.   My world is spinning out of control and life is moving forward, yet I'm stuck in the moment my Charles was taken from this world.  I'm learning about this life - that it goes on; Love last forever and beyond; and people, they change fast.  My worst nightmare is my new reality and there is nothing I can do about it.  Here I am trying to live, or rather, I am trying to teach the death within me how to live.

Because I am a Christian, I believe in the power of faith and prayer and that has kept me going forward. It hurts like crazy and there are times when I don't think I'm gonna make it, but somehow, someway I do.   And somehow, someway, I'll continue; one day at a time.  I don't think we really die; we shed our earthly bodies and reach a new level of vision, a new realm of consciousness, a new unknown world.  We have no perception of our life after death, just like we were unable to see our life before we were born, because we are not able to imagine anything beyond this time. 

There is eternal life after death (as we know it) and it is beautiful. John 3:16 scripture states, "For God so loved the world, HE gave HIS one and only begotten son that whoever believes in HIM shall not perish but have eternal life."   I can only imagine it is a place where happiness abides and all are healed and reunited. You'll  be with your loved one again and this time, it will be eternal, no more being miserable or alone, and never have to be apart ever again. 

I'm sorry you're angry and bitter today, God knows I've had those days. And while I thought I had a lot to be bitter about, it only hurt me and turned me cold inside.  Certain things happen that hurt us, loved ones are taken from us, and most of all, there are moments when we're bound to fall.  Don't let those things hurt you.  Remember its OK to cry; it's OK to be sad.  We're human, we break, we make mistakes; but don't let pain, suffering and sadness run and ruin your life.  There will be moments in your life where you feel like giving up (God knows I have) and you can't take it anymore. It's OK; breathe, inhale, exhale.  But know that the things that show your weak side are also the same ones that make you stronger in the long run.  It's about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it.

Hang in there Patti14.  You're gonna make it through; we all will.  You're in my prayers and hope God gives you HIS strength, love and peace to make it through this horrible journey you find yourself traveling through.  Psalms 30:5 states ".........weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning"

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Patti14   
53 minutes ago, Francine said:

Wow!  You just posted the mirror image of my life with my Charles.  I know about the loneliness and as much as people may think they know what you are going through, they don't.  Nobody knows the real me.   Nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room, by myself when nobody is watching; nobody knows how many times I've lost hope, how many times, I been let down; nobody knows how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap, but don't for the sake of others.  Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad and feel there's no way out of this horror.  Nobody - knows - me.   My world is spinning out of control and life is moving forward, yet I'm stuck in the moment my Charles was taken from this world.  I'm learning about this life - that it goes on; Love last forever and beyond; and people, they change fast.  My worst nightmare is my new reality and there is nothing I can do about it.  Here I am trying to live, or rather, I am trying to teach the death within me how to live.

Because I am a Christian, I believe in the power of faith and prayer and that has kept me going forward. It hurts like crazy and there are times when I don't think I'm gonna make it, but somehow, someway I do.   And somehow, someway, I'll continue; one day at a time.  I don't think we really die; we shed our earthly bodies and reach a new level of vision, a new realm of consciousness, a new unknown world.  We have no perception of our life after death, just like we were unable to see our life before we were born, because we are not able to imagine anything beyond this time. 

There is eternal life after death (as we know it) and it is beautiful. John 3:16 scripture states, "For God so loved the world, HE gave HIS one and only begotten son that whoever believes in HIM shall not perish but have eternal life."   I can only imagine it is a place where happiness abides and all are healed and reunited. You'll  be with your loved one again and this time, it will be eternal, no more being miserable or alone, and never have to be apart ever again. 

I'm sorry you're angry and bitter today, God knows I've had those days. And while I thought I had a lot to be bitter about, it only hurt me and turned me cold inside.  Certain things happen that hurt us, loved ones are taken from us, and most of all, there are moments when we're bound to fall.  Don't let those things hurt you.  Remember its OK to cry; it's OK to be sad.  We're human, we break, we make mistakes; but don't let pain, suffering and sadness run and ruin your life.  There will be moments in your life where you feel like giving up (God knows I have) and you can't take it anymore. It's OK; breathe, inhale, exhale.  But know that the things that show your weak side are also the same ones that make you stronger in the long run.  It's about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it.

Hang in there Patti14.  You're gonna make it through; we all will.  You're in my prayers and hope God gives you HIS strength, love and peace to make it through this horrible journey you find yourself traveling through.  Psalms 30:5 states ".........weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning"

Thank you Francine. I know you had an amazing love to. I know how much pain you have went through to. To have love as great as we have it taken away leaves a hole in our hearts forever. We are living the same horror nobody knows except for us that have lost our true love our soulmates. Right now I feel like the anger, sadness and bitterness are running my life. 

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KMB   
3 hours ago, Patti14 said:

There is no more Patti and Greg

I have a long slice of slab wood hung on the living room wall. A co-worker years ago used his router and made out " Ed & Kathy's Place" in huge letters. Our home is always going to be our place. My husband and I share one heart and soul. It will always be him and I. I will always be his wife in my heart. No matter what this reality says or thinks.

In your heart, it will always be Patti and Greg. That will always matter.

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KMB   

Francine, That was a powerful post you made to Patti. Thank you! For anyone who reads it, it will resonate and have meaning.:)

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Patti14   
42 minutes ago, KMB said:

I have a long slice of slab wood hung on the living room wall. A co-worker years ago used his router and made out " Ed & Kathy's Place" in huge letters. Our home is always going to be our place. My husband and I share one heart and soul. It will always be him and I. I will always be his wife in my heart. No matter what this reality says or thinks.

In your heart, it will always be Patti and Greg. That will always matter.

Thank you that is true. In my heart it will always be Patti and Greg. It does matter.

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Patti14   
40 minutes ago, KMB said:

Francine, That was a powerful post you made to Patti. Thank you! For anyone who reads it, it will resonate and have meaning.:)

It was really powerful. It helped me a little tonight. It was very thoughtful.

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Francine   
12 hours ago, KMB said:

Our home is always going to be our place. My husband and I share one heart and soul. It will always be him and I. I will always be his wife in my heart. No matter what this reality says or thinks.

I feel you.  When two people truly love one another, their hearts become one.  Before my Charles went away, it was if our silence became our language; our eyes talked and our heart beats responded without words; hours felt like seconds and we were lost in time together and complete with one another.   That man was my all and God gave him to me.  I aim to have that love again with Charles someday only the next time will be eternal.   

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KayC   
On 10/12/2017 at 5:15 AM, Patti14 said:

What did we do to deserve to lose the ones we love. What did they do to deserve to not be here anymore.

Neither of you did anything to deserve this.  It's just plain unfair.  Life isn't fair!  There's no answer to "why" but we ask it anyway until we're tired of asking it.  I'm sorry, it just really sucks.

On 10/12/2017 at 5:15 AM, Patti14 said:

Now I am never going to be me again.

The "me" we were is changed.  The life we had is gone.  It's so hard to realize that, so hard to take it all in.  This is a drastic change for us.

On 10/12/2017 at 5:15 AM, Patti14 said:

He loved me and made me feel safe.

That's how it was with us too.  The life you describe is much like our life.  We enjoyed the simple things, cuddling while we watch t.v.  Holding hands.  Taking walks together.  Enjoying a good meal together.  Being with family and friends.  

On 10/12/2017 at 5:15 AM, Patti14 said:

He always took people in and would give the shirt off his back to help anyone.

That's how my George was too.  When he died I found a post it note in his wallet...it was a list of things he was buying or doing for people he knew.  One was a cot for a homeless man.  I found the cot in his trunk.  I saw the man at his funeral, but when I found the cot I looked for him and never found him to give it to him.  The world lost a wonderful man in my George.  The same is true for your husband.

On 10/12/2017 at 5:15 AM, Patti14 said:

he worked so hard and never got the chance to retire or enjoy life after working.

It was so hard when I retired...alone.  George never got to experience that.  We should be doing this together.  We'd bought the porch swing to grow old in.  Instead my cat enjoyed it and now even she is gone.

On 10/12/2017 at 5:15 AM, Patti14 said:

He always gave  kids and people advice.

My daughter lost her baby and then her husband left her.  If George was alive, he would have gotten a hold of him and had a long heart to heart with him.  He would have gotten through in a way no one else can because he had the ability to really understand and communicate with other people.  Now there's no one that can fill his shoes.

 

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Patti14   
7 hours ago, KayC said:

Neither of you did anything to deserve this.  It's just plain unfair.  Life isn't fair!  There's no answer to "why" but we ask it anyway until we're tired of asking it.  I'm sorry, it just really sucks.

The "me" we were is changed.  The life we had is gone.  It's so hard to realize that, so hard to take it all in.  This is a drastic change for us.

That's how it was with us too.  The life you describe is much like our life.  We enjoyed the simple things, cuddling while we watch t.v.  Holding hands.  Taking walks together.  Enjoying a good meal together.  Being with family and friends.  

That's how my George was too.  When he died I found a post it note in his wallet...it was a list of things he was buying or doing for people he knew.  One was a cot for a homeless man.  I found the cot in his trunk.  I saw the man at his funeral, but when I found the cot I looked for him and never found him to give it to him.  The world lost a wonderful man in my George.  The same is true for your husband.

It was so hard when I retired...alone.  George never got to experience that.  We should be doing this together.  We'd bought the porch swing to grow old in.  Instead my cat enjoyed it and now even she is gone.

My daughter lost her baby and then her husband left her.  If George was alive, he would have gotten a hold of him and had a long heart to heart with him.  He would have gotten through in a way no one else can because he had the ability to really understand and communicate with other people.  Now there's no one that can fill his shoes.

 

Thank you it just feels like I am being punished for something.  It is definitely a drastic change.  Your husband sounds like a wonderful man to. We were so lucky to have them. Just why did it get cut so short. 

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KMB   
4 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Just why did it get cut so short. 

Even if we had been with our partners, for say, 50 or 60 years, we would still feel that way, that it was too short. The years go by quickly when you are happy, in love, living life. The best way is to be able to go together, but that happens rarely.

None of us are being punished for anything. It does feel that way in the beginning, because we are in pain, lost and confused. Life is life. Stuff happens and people die every day. We just don't think that we can lose our partner and be affected so personally by death. We naively think it only happens to "other" people. But yet, in reality, we are those "other" people.

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Patti14   
53 minutes ago, KMB said:

Even if we had been with our partners, for say, 50 or 60 years, we would still feel that way, that it was too short. The years go by quickly when you are happy, in love, living life. The best way is to be able to go together, but that happens rarely.

None of us are being punished for anything. It does feel that way in the beginning, because we are in pain, lost and confused. Life is life. Stuff happens and people die every day. We just don't think that we can lose our partner and be affected so personally by death. We naively think it only happens to "other" people. But yet, in reality, we are those "other" people.

Yes we are those other people and it is a horrible reality. It's so hard going from happy to miserable.

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Jay W   

I know exactly how you feel Patti having just lost my wife. No we did not have a perfect marriage. We had arguments and said things I wish I could retract. Many times we would not talk to each other for hours. Sometimes we went to bed without saying goodnight. She was meek and a pacifist and I am the opposite. I worked in a profession where a simple mistake could have deadly consequences. As a result my personal life became almost obsessed with perfection. My wife was not perfect (nor am I) but the smallest things she did which I thought were wrong had me correcting her. I did not appreciate her when she was her as much as I do now.

I suppose after 35 years of marriage not all people are warm and cuddly (like old socks they say) BUT we had each other. Whenever I was away for a few hours I would call and talk to her. She had her funny moments and was stubborn. BUT I loved her and always will. When we were taken to the hospital by the police (as I mentioned in my thread about being careful) she was abused by staff at times and I could not do anything to help her as I thought after my experience in the psych ward I was under a microscope. And when am man cannot protect his wife he feels terrible. However that is another long story which my grief counsellor suggests I forget for my own peace of mind so I won't go farther.

We live in a fairly large house and people are always asking or suggesting I sell it. I won't. This is OUR house and losing her and the house means starting over which I do not want to do. I am not young, have no family but have a bunch of animals who are my babies. I cannot see myself ever getting into another relationship either because I do not want to.

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KayC   

Jay,

You've been through so much.  Your home is your home and no one should tell you what to do, it is your decision only to do with as brings you comfort.  I know someone who couldn't wait to sell their home and uproot, that is not me, I find comfort being in the place he called "Our home in the clouds", he loved it and I spread his ashes in our back yard because this is the one place in the world that was his sanctuary, his place of security and comfort.  Sometimes it's a struggle dealing with home repairs and shoveling snow, but still I stay.

I too have animals and this is their home, I wouldn't uproot them.

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Jay W   
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I know how you feel Kay. I have not scattered her ashes although the yard would be an excellent place. But I want them to be scattered in some place that is permanent and would stay in the family. I love the idea of the old homestead where a small cemetery would be out in the back 40 and all family members would be buried there. A place like that farm would stay for generations in the family.

I also have 5 small urns of pet ashes which once I find that special place will be scattered with ours. A beautiful local cemetery has a scattering ground which sounds good at least for now.

 

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KMB   
5 hours ago, Jay W said:

I love the idea of the old homestead where a small cemetery would be out in the back 40 and all family members would be buried there

I am fortunate to be living on my husband's family homestead. I scattered my husband's ashes on special areas of the property.

An idea for you is to check into purchasing a small lot of land and having it put into a family trust. Memorial stones/plaques could be made and all your loved ones ashes would have a permanent home.

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Jay W   

Your idea is wonderful  but sadly where I live land is almost non-existent and very pricey. A standard city lot of 60x100 feet sells for anywhere from $700,000 to almost a million. I am serious. One thing I am seriously considering is having my wife's ashes interred with her mother and father in a small churchyard in England. I have to be with her but don't know if they would permit a non-British person being interred there as well. Plus my animals.

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Patti14   
17 hours ago, Jay W said:

I know exactly how you feel Patti having just lost my wife. No we did not have a perfect marriage. We had arguments and said things I wish I could retract. Many times we would not talk to each other for hours. Sometimes we went to bed without saying goodnight. She was meek and a pacifist and I am the opposite. I worked in a profession where a simple mistake could have deadly consequences. As a result my personal life became almost obsessed with perfection. My wife was not perfect (nor am I) but the smallest things she did which I thought were wrong had me correcting her. I did not appreciate her when she was her as much as I do now.

I suppose after 35 years of marriage not all people are warm and cuddly (like old socks they say) BUT we had each other. Whenever I was away for a few hours I would call and talk to her. She had her funny moments and was stubborn. BUT I loved her and always will. When we were taken to the hospital by the police (as I mentioned in my thread about being careful) she was abused by staff at times and I could not do anything to help her as I thought after my experience in the psych ward I was under a microscope. And when am man cannot protect his wife he feels terrible. However that is another long story which my grief counsellor suggests I forget for my own peace of mind so I won't go farther.

We live in a fairly large house and people are always asking or suggesting I sell it. I won't. This is OUR house and losing her and the house means starting over which I do not want to do. I am not young, have no family but have a bunch of animals who are my babies. I cannot see myself ever getting into another relationship either because I do not want to.

I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I know what you mean when people suggest things to me about how things or moving it makes me mad. This is our home our memories. Don't try to change it. All I have left are memories, pictures,his stuff and our dogs. Today is our Anniversary and he is not here with me it is so hard. He always went out of his way to make it special.

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Jay W said:

Your idea is wonderful  but sadly where I live land is almost non-existent and very pricey. A standard city lot of 60x100 feet sells for anywhere from $700,000 to almost a million. I am serious. One thing I am seriously considering is having my wife's ashes interred with her mother and father in a small churchyard in England. I have to be with her but don't know if they would permit a non-British person being interred there as well. Plus my animals.

That is a hefty price for a city lot. I am sorry that your options are quite limited. Not even a tiny plot of land in the countryside near you?  I would check into the England option. You won't know until you find out.

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Jay W   
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Not just the city but the surrounding areas as well. Being on a peninsula land is limited. Even 50 miles away land is pricey. But it is food for thought. I have tried to contact the church in England via their email address but it won't connect. 

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KayC   
On 10/14/2017 at 2:05 PM, Jay W said:

Your idea is wonderful  but sadly where I live land is almost non-existent and very pricey. A standard city lot of 60x100 feet sells for anywhere from $700,000 to almost a million. I am serious. One thing I am seriously considering is having my wife's ashes interred with her mother and father in a small churchyard in England. I have to be with her but don't know if they would permit a non-British person being interred there as well. Plus my animals.

That's why I like the idea of cremation, you can pretty much be put where you like.  If I ever have to sell this place, I want permission to have my ashes scattered where my husband's and pets' ashes are.

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