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BF Passed Away


SusieRicky

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Hi my name is Susie,

my boyfriend passed away on September 30,2017.  I spent over 5 weeks with him in hospice.. I only went home 3 times to wash clothes and shower in my own place.. I never slept at home.  

For the first 4 weeks I slept with him in his hospital bed.. there were some very sweet times and very hard times.  He had some rebound days where we could talk but the days he was down, nIt much talking.. just pain and sleeping. The last week he began to fry sore so he got an air bed and I’ll never forget the last day we get t to sleep together.. so sad. 

I forgot to mention he had cancer.. we found out last November.. we thought he had at least 3 or 4 years .. it was not to be..  

the hardest part was how his body deceived him.. by the time he passed .. he was barely recognizable.. I still have that vision of his last breath in my head.. 

he was the love of my life.. I thought we would have a lot longer together.

My heart hurts so bad and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.  I know it takes time.. and I’m still waiting for his ashes.  I keep wondering how I’ll feel when I get them and see his actual death certificate.  

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Susie,

I am so sorry, that is very hard.  My husband died in the hospital of heart attack, I was away when he had his first one that weekend, got there the last day and saw him go into cardiac arrest.  I know how haunting those images can be.  It maybe of help to try this  (imagery)  http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/04/nightmares-and-bad-dreams-in-grief.html

I understand how poignant this time can be as I was my MIL's caregiver the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  As you said, some special moments and some hard ones.  I'm glad you had this time with him.

Do you have a support system?  What about his family?  I hope you have someone to go with you when you pick up the ashes.  

You may want to see a professional grief counselor to help you through the maze of grief.

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Susie

I'm so sorry for your loss and know what you're experiencing.  It must have been so difficult for you, but I want you to prepare yourself that it may get harder before it get better; but it will get better. It is so apparent the love you shared for each other and know that no one can ever take that away; it's yours forever. 

Cancer takes those we love far too early and it hurts us deeply and the loss literally breaks our hearts.  Hearing people stories about losing someone to cancer makes me wish that a cure would be found already, the pain of losing someone is difficult enough; but seeing someone deteriorate from cancer is simply too much for anyone to bear.  I think one of the loneliest moment in our lives is watching someone we love so dearly fall apart and all we do is stare blankly. And sometimes the only reason why we don't want to let go of what's making us sad is because it was the only thing that made us happy.  We all lose people in our lives and we must realize that no matter how much time we spent with them or how often we told them how much we appreciated them, it will never seem like it was enough.

For me, my faith in God and prayer has kept me from literally losing it all.   God did not promise sun without rain; light without darkness or joy without pain.  What HE did promise us was strength for the day when darkness seems the norm.   HE will carry you through every storm and give you the strength to make it.  Stay strong, you are in my prayers.

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Susie,   I am so deeply sorry--- for your loss, for enduring the cancer battle with your boyfriend and for this grief road you find yourself on now. I remember seeing my grandma battling cancer. The doctors predicted 6 months. I witnessed her many times, crying and pleading with God to take her, for the year and half it did actually take.

Your boyfriend is in Heaven now. Free of the pain. He is perfectly fit and healthy. He is watching over you, protecting you and filled with enormous love and pride that you were with him through it all.

I know your pain. All those feelings and thoughts consuming your mind and body and heart. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Eating small amounts throughout the day. Staying hydrated. Our body needs its strength and sleep to help us through this agonizing grieving. I hope you have some kind of a support system. We need to reach out to others, to talk and for them to listen, to be there.

Please, keep coming here. This is a safe place to vent, cry, express whatever you need to. There are a lot of posts to read through in seeking comfort, encouragement, suggestions. We will be here for you.

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Thank you Francine.. I feel so helpless.. I find myself crying at the most unusual times.. it’s hard to explain to people the way I feel.. I’ve honestly never hurt so bad and I lost my brother and mom.. it’s a different kind of hurt.. we said our vows to each other and I feel in my heart we are married.. we just had issues that kept us from being legally married.  Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding.. 

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Thank you KMB for your sweet message .. knowing how it feels makes a big difference then talking to folks who haven’t been there.. I do need a support system closer.. my daughter asked me to come to her house.. but she says ... mom you have to get over this .. I dint expect her to understand.. that will happen soon enough.. thank you again for understanding 

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KayC it sounds like you have had a number of losses and taking care of someone you love that is dying is one of the hardest things one could ever imagine.  It’s an awakening.. life is so precious.. one moment it’s there and then before you know it’s gone and when it happens you just can’t believe they are gone.. I only had him for 2 1/2 years.. but I loved him so much 

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Yes, it is a very hard experience, yet I'm so glad my MIL was able to remain in her home surrounded by those who loved her.  I just wish she hadn't had to suffer so long, three years is a very long time to be bedridden and in pain.  It will always remain in my memory as a very special, yet very hard time.

When I met my George, the connection was so strong, in a very short time I felt I couldn't live without him.  Now I'm having to.

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I’m sorry you have had so much loss.. I pray that God helps you to adjust.  

I pray that time will make it easier to breathe and not cry so much.. everything I do reminds me of him.

one of the things I do is write.. my poem for him before he passed.. I got to read it to him

8/25/17

 

Angels Gathering 

 

I can feel the angels gathering. 

Ready to knock on his door. 

I ask myself do I let them in?

Do I dare let them take him now.

I find I have no choice.

I hear them knocking harder.

Do I dare peak out?

I hear the trumpets playing his song. 

Come home my son come home. 

I know I have to let them in

I know he's ready to go.

My Tears are flowing and I can't breathe 

But I know the angels have gathered outside the door 

I let them in and I can see him smile 

I'm glad I let the angels in.

 

For My Love:

Ricky Allen Porter

By: Susie Brady

 

 

 

 

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Susie, That is a beautiful poem and I'm glad Ricky had the chance for you to read it to him. I'm sure it made his transition easier knowing God's angels were there to help him.

I am sorry you have lost your mom and your brother. They are different types of losses compared to losing a soul mate, but loss of loved ones just the same. I cannot even imagine the pain you are enduring from so much loss.  You sound like you have a deep faith in God, and He will bring you comfort, peace and guide you on your path. Stay strong!

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HI KMB, 

Again I find myself crying ..  I feel so empty.. I keep telling myself it will be ok, but I don’t feel it.  I’m trying so hard to be strong. I just cannot believe I’ll never see him again.  

I hope it will get easier each day but I think that will be awhile.. 

thank you everybody for all of your kind words especially since everybody is going through their own losses..

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I'm glad you have that expression of outlet, it helps, it really does, and your poem is beautiful.

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15 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

I hope it will get easier each day but I think that will be awhile.

It will take a very long while. There is no way around it. I keep telling myself every day that I am going to be okay. It sure doesn't feel like it though. My heart is heavy with sadness.

It doesn't feel like we are strong, but I feel that every day we manage to see ourselves through, helps to make us strong.

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TooDevastated
15 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

I just cannot believe I’ll never see him again.  

I HAVE GOT to believe that I will see him again. That's the only thing stopping me from killing myself right now. 

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I HAVE GOT to believe that I will see him again

You will see him again. When you finish your individual life path here and transition to the afterlife. We have to hang onto this in our hearts and the bond of love can never be broken.

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Well I understand it will take longer than I could even imagine.. today I got a card from the hospice that took care of him. A very nice group of people .. then I talked to the social worker from there for awhile.. it seems I need to keep talking.. 

I do wish my mom was here to hold me.  

I do have friends and family to talk to but it seems like now that it’s been two weeks tomorrow, people begin to stop talking.. I understand . They cannot imagine the hurt we are going through and life just keeps moving on while ours just seemed to have stopped.. even though we go through the motions of life. 

I ask myself where did that time go? I just met him.. I just fell in love.. it’s not fair.. but there’s no answers .., just emptiness.. 

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On 10/10/2017 at 9:02 PM, SusieRicky said:

Hi my name is Susie,

my boyfriend passed away on September 30,2017.  I spent over 5 weeks with him in hospice.. I only went home 3 times to wash clothes and shower in my own place.. I never slept at home.  

For the first 4 weeks I slept with him in his hospital bed.. there were some very sweet times and very hard times.  He had some rebound days where we could talk but the days he was down, nIt much talking.. just pain and sleeping. The last week he began to fry sore so he got an air bed and I’ll never forget the last day we get t to sleep together.. so sad. 

I forgot to mention he had cancer.. we found out last November.. we thought he had at least 3 or 4 years .. it was not to be..  

the hardest part was how his body deceived him.. by the time he passed .. he was barely recognizable.. I still have that vision of his last breath in my head.. 

he was the love of my life.. I thought we would have a lot longer together.

My heart hurts so bad and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.  I know it takes time.. and I’m still waiting for his ashes.  I keep wondering how I’ll feel when I get them and see his actual death certificate.  

I am sorry for your loss Susie. I lost my husband on September 23rd. It was unexpected. I had to watch him die in our bed as the ambulance took over 19 minutes to get here. I can't get the image out of my head and the fact I couldn't save him. I know your pain. It is really hard. My husband was my true soulmate as well and for him to die so young is hard to deal with. I can't offer any advice because this is still new to me as well but I can tell you that you are not alone. 

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Omg.. you must have been terrified .. I’m so sorry.  When the love of your life dies right in front of you,  You see it but you just can’t believe it.  I still can’t believe he’s gone. I dint even have his ashes or death certificate but we had a memorial service.  

How do we go on if our minds can’t yet believe it. My bf was in hospice for over 5 weeks and I saw his body deteriorate right in front of my eyes. He had a besutiful smike and these pretty greens eyes.  But by the time he died.. he didn’t look anything like I knew him.. 

but I thank God for the time we had those 5 weeks together.. I never left him one night. I slept with him in his hospital bed always cuddling until the last week but my cot was level with his bed and we held hands until we fell asleep.. 

but like you I cannot get the last breath he took....and the body that was left was not my baby. 

Thank you fir sharing with me.. I know God will carry us through this.. we may never stop hurting.. but we will learn to live each day the best we can.  

Kerp in touch here.. we lost our loves so close together.. 

 

 

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Patti and Susie,

You are both so new in this but there's not a one of us that doesn't remember how we felt when we were at your time line.  I don't know how we made it through those days.  It feels like it jolted our brain and all of our senses, forever changing us.  It was a year before I could watch a movie, ten years before I could enjoy reading a book all the way through, my focus was gone, gone was the enjoyment I'd had of my hobbies.  Friends quickly did a disappearing act, the very subject of death is uncomfortable to them.  Well it's uncomfortable to us too but the difference is we're forced to face it!  We can't run and hide from it, it haunts us during the daytime and we can't escape it at night.  Weekends it is our companion while others are enjoying time with their families.  And at a time when it is the hardest we are forced to make decisions, handle paperwork, that seems beyond us to deal with.  We get jolted with other's declarations that we are now single, widowed.  They call on the phone and ask for them by name.  They send them junk mail, hitting us again.  It is never ending.

But survive we are, one day at a time.  And the hope that keeps me going, one foot in front of the other, is knowing we'll be together again. Whether fated to be together or drawn to each other like a magnetic field across the miles, we will find our way into each other's arms again.

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KayCKayC, 

Thank You for your kind words.. now I can see why I can’t seem to complete tasks that are normally easy for me.. I find that I don’t want to stay home alone.. I’m ready to get away from the sadness.. trying to keep busy so I won’t cry so much..

yes and weekends are fir families and couple getting 

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Hi KayC,

I noticed my last reply. I wasn’t finished and I hit send.. for that I’m sorry.  I even noticed I repeated KayC.. well I know I was having a very hard day. 

Today I noticed that I’m just at a place where I just can’t think anymore.. I’m trying to block everything out.. it’s been 3 weeks tonight and I feel like it’s been so much longer.. yes I need to talk to someone and it’s like nobody really cared to hear about it. Before everyone is checking in on you to make sure you are ok and then it just stopped..I’m confused because the hurt hasn’t stopped.. I’m not ready to stop talking and I need people..all week I kept busy..shopping with daughter .. lunch with a group of ladies whom are basically a support group.. which was nice. 

Im still not sleeping.. so I turn on the tv until I finally get a couple of hours in.. then I’m awake. 

When does the confusion stop?  I know the hurt doesn’t.. but I understand it subsides.  I’m not getting anything done at home.  I retired in February and just now started retirement.. and everything doesn’t seem right.

I got his ashes on Monday and got his death certificate on Friday.. which had me as his significant other.  I was shocked..I guess because I made all of the arrangements.. I suppose things will possibly get back to normal now that I have the ashes and have his death certificate. If there is such a thing as normal.

you can probably tell by this that I’m all over the place.  That’s exacyly how I feel.  I’m normally a very organized person and I honestly don’t know where to begin. So now I’m going to turn the tv back on so I won’t be thinking so much. 

Thank you fir listening.  No I don’t take any kind of meds except  what  I normally have taken before.

 

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I'm glad you have a support group of sorts, that's important.  Retirement can be hard when you lose a spouse, it's good to get into routine and out with people so I'm glad you're doing that.  Consider seeing a doctor about the sleeping.  Lavender helps people but I don't like the smell.  Melatonin helps my daughter but doesn't me.  I sleep best when I've worked hard physically, stacking wood, shoveling snow, cleaning, etc. 

I hope it made you feel good that you were listed on the certificate, it's a validation of all you were to each other, no one can take that away.

We do get "brain fog" or "grief fog" early in grief, it's way overload on our brains to process this, it can take a long time to get our focus back and I've found mine has never been the same as before but I get by with lists.

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Susie,  Hang in there. You are experiencing everything the rest of us have and/or still are. I still have sleep issues. All the usual things have not been helping. I still have problems with clarity in thinking. My husband admired my efficiency and organization. That has all gone out the window. I don't have the will power, the "want to", for much of anything.

We need a support system for a very long time. Most people don't understand this. They expect us to be back to our usual selves in a short time. That is impossible. Our loss has impacted every fiber of our being and every aspect of our life. It is a good thing to hear you are making an effort at getting out. Grieving can be so much harder on those of us that are retired. We don't have that job to go to that gets us out of the house. So, we need to find other resources to keep busy and distracted.

I am like you in that I didn't know what to do. I still don't. There are days I'll sit and stare out the window. Not knowing where to start. Wondering what is the point of doing anything. Our emotions and thoughts are all over the place. This is SO hard!

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Thank you KMB. 

Its the thought of never seeing him feeling him... it almost feels like he never existed because all I see is pictures. I ask myself was it real. I know it was though.. 

im reading things that everyone else is going through and my pain becomes more because I can actually feel their pain. It saddens me too because it’s part of life.. and I just still don’t understand why. 

Im not angry with God but I don’t understand why finally I had real love and it was only a moment.. I suppose I should thank God that I did find out what it was like.. 

i don’t want sorrow I want happiness in the end knowing I was blessed.. I’m sure I’ll get there.

Im just a person that looks for answers. The only one I can think of for now besides having had love but that I was the person God chose to take him home. 

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12 minutes ago, SusieRicky said:

Im just a person that looks for answers. The only one I can think of for now besides having had love but that I was the person God chose to take him home. 

I've been searching for answers too. We need to trust in God the path He chose for us to take. The lessons our souls need to learn for eternal life.  God blessed and chose you to be the one to share the rest of your boy friends time on earth.  Cherish the gift that was given to you and I hope you find eventual peace.

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I can't say as I have received any definitive answers, but have learned to accept the reality even though I don't like it and to say it's not my preference is a grand understatement!  I do feel blessed for having known George and having know his love in my life, it's what carries me still.

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21 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

it almost feels like he never existed because all I see is pictures.

I have physically gone to the file drawer and looked at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, his handwriting, because it feels like I made him up, I want to reassure myself that our life together was real, not my imagination.  I've heard of others feeling this way too.

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Thank you KMB. Today was a little better.. but I seem to not want to get up and move or go outside or even get dressed.  I did play my piano and paid some bills. I feel blessed to have been chosen but why so soon.. that’s where I’m stuck.. I know I’ll figure it out but I’m just sad.. I know this too will grow less in time.  But it seems that to grow less sad means to lose part of him.  And I’m not ready for that.. 

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1 hour ago, SusieRicky said:

But it seems that to grow less sad means to lose part of him.  And I’m not ready for that.. 

I know what you mean. The grieving process does evolve and there is nothing wrong in feeling less sad over time. it means you are adjusting and continuing on, as you are meant to.  Your boyfriend will be proud of you and happy that you will be living life, just as he did before he got called home. I don't really know why some people leave sooner than what we feel they should have. Maybe that was theirs and God's plan to have a short life here. Maybe they were only meant to learn a shorter list of lessons for their souls growth, than us.

Growing less sad in no way means you are losing him in any way.  You will always be a part of each other. Your souls are connected and that bond of love is there forever. :wub:

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12 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

I feel blessed to have been chosen but why so soon.

That's my unanswered question too, but I' try to focus on the having been blessed to have had him in my life for ANY length of time.  

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I just had something to pop in my head... I need goals!! I’m so used to having goals.... but I feel like there are none... again my life seemed to have stopped... I know it’s grief but I cannot seem to focus.... I need help here.. I pray.. I try to keep busy...I tell myself I can do this.... but in the end.. I cannot.  Breathe I tall myself... just breathe... that seems to be all I’m trying to do... and this too takes so much effort... I just want to feel his arms around me..to tell me I’ll be ok. It’s like I need HIM to tell me I’ll be ok.. I spent over 5 weeks in hospice with him comforting him till his last breath.. now I need to know he’s ok ... then let me know so I’ll be ok... I want to move on.. I want goals... but I can’t because my goal was to spend my life with him.  

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Susie,   It is early days for you, hasn't even been a month yet. Be easy on yourself. The grieving process needs patience .At times, breathing is just enough, because that also can be so hard to do. Setting goals is a good thing. Just accomplishing one small thing a day can be enough. As time goes on, you can set up bigger goals for yourself. It takes a very long time to figure out what will give our life meaning, a purpose. Maybe you will find out a way to do something to honor your boyfriend. Maybe become a CNA and work for a hospice or nursing home, bringing comfort to others, like you did your boyfriend. Or maybe volunteer some of your time to places like that. Focusing on others and giving back is a great way of helping yourself cope. Anything is possible, once we work our way through grieving.:wub:

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Your goal at this point should be to make it through the day.  It takes MUCH TIME to process this...I'm talking years, not days, it is mind boggling change & adjustment for you.  Just tackle today.  Get through today, that's all.  As KMB said, time enough for the rest later.

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Well today was going well.. got some things done around the house.. then I get a text from his brother.. looking for a paper from Social Security for his last 250.00 parent.. his brother is his executor.. Ricks mail went to his friends house.. well I called to see if they would mail it to his brother last week.. his wife said she’d take care of it that day.. we’ll it didn’t happen.. now it’s up to me to make sure one person sends it. I’m going back and forth with these people.. why can’t they communicate with each other?  Then the church sends me something I’m not sure what it is.. it doesn’t really matter.. 

my problem.. from the very beginning I had to make all the decisions for Rick.. not the problem as long as long as his family doesn’t have a problem with it.. (don’t forget we are not married) from the time he got sick I’ve made decisions with him.. but now it came to the point where I couldn’t because we aren’t married.. well family doesn’t want to make decisions for him after he dies.. I’m so upset because I can’t. Well I find out that I can get him to sign a medical power if atty..which he does..

in the meantime his family wants to know where his belongings are and his truck.. but they won’t help me with more important issues.. him dying.. AND they want me to get him to put me in his checking account so I can write checks to them for him.. nice people .. right

well I make the arrangements fir his cremation and his memorial service after his death.. no one in his family helps.

of course they show up for the luncheon, memorial service and little gathering after the service.. how nice of them.. 

Now it continues.. asking me about his death certificate.. I ended up paying for the cremation.. I told them they could pay for a death certificate to get his money.. since they are relatives and his brother is executor in his will. 

Im mourning the man I love but I’m so done with his family.. they just seems to care about monetary things.. why wouldn’t they care about him and his after death?  

I live 70 miles from these people and all I want is to be left to grieve 

I’m sorry I just needed to get this out..  

people can be so cruel.

 

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SusieRicky,

Give his brother her phone number and tell him to call her directly, you did all you could, you can't "make" her do anything.

I'm sorry his family seems so insensitive and demanding.  I felt bad that my husband's family was not there for me at all...maybe I should count my blessings.  :(

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SusieRicky,

I am sorry for what you have been enduring with the family. The passing of a loved one can bring out the worst in people, especially when it comes to money and material possessions. The human ego for greediness comes out and I have never understood it myself. It is cruel and heartless.

Hold your chin up high. You have his love and the memories. His brother is executor of the will. Let him do the work of whatever needs to be done .Any personal belongings you have, keep them and cherish them. You have earned that right.:wub:

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Kay C and KMB

thank you for your kind words.. I am keeping what I have.. I even told them if they want copy of death certificate they can pay for one. 

I went to see my dr today for my physical. I told him I need grief counseling.. they referred me to a psychiatrist.. I though a psychologist would be sufficient or even a group but think I’ll csll this dr. Not just because of my grieving but the heartache of the family situation really has affected me too.. 

all of this will happen when I get back from my trip that Branson.. I’m hoping bring with family will help me back towards reality.. 

its so nice to have people I can communicate with on here.. you both seem to be doing pretty good.. 

 

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SusieRicky,

I hope the trip and being with family goes well for you. Nothing wrong with seeing a psychiatrist, if that is whom your doctor recommended. There were/are days I wished I had one on speed dial. The family situation can really do a number on you, on top of your grieving. You don't need that. So grab whatever help is offered.

48 minutes ago, SusieRicky said:

you both seem to be doing pretty good.. 

For myself, I wouldn't think so. I'm doing as well as can be expected. It has been a little over 14 months for me. I still take it day by day. I don't think about the future at all. Whatever my future is, I'll take it as it comes.I hate this grief road just as much as the next person on the forum. We have no choice but to keep breathing and trying to get through each day.

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It's been 12 years for me...I wasn't doing well the first few years, it took a lot of processing and learning.  A grief counselor would be of more help to you, you don't have psychiatric issues.  Grief is a normal part of life's cycle, but our society doesn't seem to know how to handle it.  You can start with your doctor's recommendation but if you don't feel it's helping, consider making an appt. with a professional grief counselor that has a degree in Thanatology.  

As KMB said, keep breathing and get through one day at a time, we can do one day...then get up and do it again.  I'm sorry the family is being like they are, I like that you can stand up to them.  I found I had a lot of moxie after George died to draw from.  People amaze me sometimes!

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KC

i have decided that I have to move forward and live each day as they come. The tears are fewer.. the sadness is still there but I know I will be ok.. 

my reality knows he’s gone and he won’t ever return.. I still have those moments that hit me with no notice.  My holidays are going to be busy, therefore it will help tremendously.

i know I have to find a remedy for his ashes.. soon.  For now I put them in my closet.  I will most likely wait until spring to send them off to a place to rest.

there were things in our life together that was unsettled but I cannot change or get an answer from him.  So I have to move forward and I am.

hopefully everybody is doing better and becoming stronger every day.  This has been an awakening and a life’s lesson.  

God put us here on earth to live and .. he also gave us a time for an ending... we must enjoy the time we have to love but know it too will end!

12/12/2017

I honestly don’t know what to say.. it’s another day but I never know what it will bring.. I do know I appreciate all the words that are shared on this forum because we all share a loss that is so indescribable to others.. 

As others have said.. this heartache is so different.

I think I wanted this to be over and just move forward.. I’m finding that it’s not that simple because everyday is different.. a song, a smell, a picture ... anything that had to do with your life together can trigger tears and make you want to retreat again and lovk yourself away from the world.. 

Todsy I walked out my apartment door and as I was walking down the hall I saw a man standing against the wall across from another apartment door.. he was looking at his phone but on the floor next to the door was a opened case.  I assumed he had an appointment with the person who lived there but they weren’t there yet.. I asked him “Are you waiting for somebody?”  Well about that time the door opened and it was a police officicer.  My eyes went down to the case on the floor and back up to the man with the phone.. in that brief look, I saw camera and lenses and other things I didn’t want to think about. I just kept walking and the man started to say something and I told  him I just don’t want to know.. but I knew there was a body in there.  

I continued to walk to the elevator and went down to my car and sat down and cried.. all of a sudden I had a flashback of the night that Rick had passed.. all  the commotion in his room.  The people coming in to make sure he passed, to ready his body to be taken away and for my last hours with him alone.. then finally to be taken away. I had to talk to someone... I called a friend that didn’t answer but a cousin did.. I told her I just needed to talk a few minutes.. I had to calm myself down and needed a voice to understand and she did. 

After I went to get my mail and got a bite to eat, I came back and there were two people outside that door and I knew from their clothes that they were waiting for the body to be picked up and of course one of them was on the phone telling them what floor to come to.. etc.

Again  the flashbacks were happening.. me waiting alone for the people from the cremation place to come get his body.. I knew it was the last time I got to see him.   

Youre probably wondering why I told this story.. because you think your day is going good and you made it through most of the day without tears and BAM.. it changes just like that. Just like the moment they passed ... it just seems to go on and on.. but I keep telling myself... each day it will get a little different.. but I miss him more.. and nobody but those of us who have lost the loves of our lives are trying to accept the fact that they will never return and the people who think we should be “over it” or “moving on” won’t understand until it’s them that this has changed their lives forever.. 

Christmas Eve is 12 days away and I know I’m having a hard time and I know it’s hard for us all.... I’m going to visit family in my hometown in Indiana but I’m dreading it... a first Christmas without my Rick.. I can’t bear it..I just want to go to sleep and it be over. I can’t even begin to think about Christmas cards or buying presents.. I just feel lucky to get out of bed.. all the simple things.. how can I just keep moving on without him?  

Thats all for now.. I could just keep going on and on.. I have all these feelings inside of me and want to share with my kids and friends.. but like all of you.. I feel like I’ve worn out my feelings and I don’t want to be left out and alone.. which I feel so much now.  

 

 

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I knew as I was reading why you were writing it.

We can determine to live, to do our best, and yet, you are so right, out of nowhere a trigger comes and we're left dealing with it.  It doesn't go away.  It's never over.  But, with the grief work we put in, in time we can get through this, not as before, it will never be as before, but we can realize and accept that our lives are altered and figure out where to go from here, and still have some kind of a life to live.  It takes much time and effort to get there.

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KayC .. thank you for your patience and listening.. 

im making it through another day. I’ve been fighting a sinus infection that seems to not want to go away.. I know being alone makes it harder to get better and the stress in the body is unbelievable. I look in the mirror and ask myself.. who is the person I’m looking at.. I can see the sadness in my own eyes .  The sleeplessness shows.. but I know this too will improve as time goes by.. 

 

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