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SusieRicky

BF Passed Away

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Hi my name is Susie,

my boyfriend passed away on September 30,2017.  I spent over 5 weeks with him in hospice.. I only went home 3 times to wash clothes and shower in my own place.. I never slept at home.  

For the first 4 weeks I slept with him in his hospital bed.. there were some very sweet times and very hard times.  He had some rebound days where we could talk but the days he was down, nIt much talking.. just pain and sleeping. The last week he began to fry sore so he got an air bed and I’ll never forget the last day we get t to sleep together.. so sad. 

I forgot to mention he had cancer.. we found out last November.. we thought he had at least 3 or 4 years .. it was not to be..  

the hardest part was how his body deceived him.. by the time he passed .. he was barely recognizable.. I still have that vision of his last breath in my head.. 

he was the love of my life.. I thought we would have a lot longer together.

My heart hurts so bad and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.  I know it takes time.. and I’m still waiting for his ashes.  I keep wondering how I’ll feel when I get them and see his actual death certificate.  

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KayC   

Susie,

I am so sorry, that is very hard.  My husband died in the hospital of heart attack, I was away when he had his first one that weekend, got there the last day and saw him go into cardiac arrest.  I know how haunting those images can be.  It maybe of help to try this  (imagery)  http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/04/nightmares-and-bad-dreams-in-grief.html

I understand how poignant this time can be as I was my MIL's caregiver the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  As you said, some special moments and some hard ones.  I'm glad you had this time with him.

Do you have a support system?  What about his family?  I hope you have someone to go with you when you pick up the ashes.  

You may want to see a professional grief counselor to help you through the maze of grief.

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Francine   

Susie

I'm so sorry for your loss and know what you're experiencing.  It must have been so difficult for you, but I want you to prepare yourself that it may get harder before it get better; but it will get better. It is so apparent the love you shared for each other and know that no one can ever take that away; it's yours forever. 

Cancer takes those we love far too early and it hurts us deeply and the loss literally breaks our hearts.  Hearing people stories about losing someone to cancer makes me wish that a cure would be found already, the pain of losing someone is difficult enough; but seeing someone deteriorate from cancer is simply too much for anyone to bear.  I think one of the loneliest moment in our lives is watching someone we love so dearly fall apart and all we do is stare blankly. And sometimes the only reason why we don't want to let go of what's making us sad is because it was the only thing that made us happy.  We all lose people in our lives and we must realize that no matter how much time we spent with them or how often we told them how much we appreciated them, it will never seem like it was enough.

For me, my faith in God and prayer has kept me from literally losing it all.   God did not promise sun without rain; light without darkness or joy without pain.  What HE did promise us was strength for the day when darkness seems the norm.   HE will carry you through every storm and give you the strength to make it.  Stay strong, you are in my prayers.

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KMB   

Susie,   I am so deeply sorry--- for your loss, for enduring the cancer battle with your boyfriend and for this grief road you find yourself on now. I remember seeing my grandma battling cancer. The doctors predicted 6 months. I witnessed her many times, crying and pleading with God to take her, for the year and half it did actually take.

Your boyfriend is in Heaven now. Free of the pain. He is perfectly fit and healthy. He is watching over you, protecting you and filled with enormous love and pride that you were with him through it all.

I know your pain. All those feelings and thoughts consuming your mind and body and heart. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Eating small amounts throughout the day. Staying hydrated. Our body needs its strength and sleep to help us through this agonizing grieving. I hope you have some kind of a support system. We need to reach out to others, to talk and for them to listen, to be there.

Please, keep coming here. This is a safe place to vent, cry, express whatever you need to. There are a lot of posts to read through in seeking comfort, encouragement, suggestions. We will be here for you.

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Thank you Francine.. I feel so helpless.. I find myself crying at the most unusual times.. it’s hard to explain to people the way I feel.. I’ve honestly never hurt so bad and I lost my brother and mom.. it’s a different kind of hurt.. we said our vows to each other and I feel in my heart we are married.. we just had issues that kept us from being legally married.  Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding.. 

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Thank you KMB for your sweet message .. knowing how it feels makes a big difference then talking to folks who haven’t been there.. I do need a support system closer.. my daughter asked me to come to her house.. but she says ... mom you have to get over this .. I dint expect her to understand.. that will happen soon enough.. thank you again for understanding 

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KayC it sounds like you have had a number of losses and taking care of someone you love that is dying is one of the hardest things one could ever imagine.  It’s an awakening.. life is so precious.. one moment it’s there and then before you know it’s gone and when it happens you just can’t believe they are gone.. I only had him for 2 1/2 years.. but I loved him so much 

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KayC   

Yes, it is a very hard experience, yet I'm so glad my MIL was able to remain in her home surrounded by those who loved her.  I just wish she hadn't had to suffer so long, three years is a very long time to be bedridden and in pain.  It will always remain in my memory as a very special, yet very hard time.

When I met my George, the connection was so strong, in a very short time I felt I couldn't live without him.  Now I'm having to.

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I’m sorry you have had so much loss.. I pray that God helps you to adjust.  

I pray that time will make it easier to breathe and not cry so much.. everything I do reminds me of him.

one of the things I do is write.. my poem for him before he passed.. I got to read it to him

8/25/17

 

Angels Gathering 

 

I can feel the angels gathering. 

Ready to knock on his door. 

I ask myself do I let them in?

Do I dare let them take him now.

I find I have no choice.

I hear them knocking harder.

Do I dare peak out?

I hear the trumpets playing his song. 

Come home my son come home. 

I know I have to let them in

I know he's ready to go.

My Tears are flowing and I can't breathe 

But I know the angels have gathered outside the door 

I let them in and I can see him smile 

I'm glad I let the angels in.

 

For My Love:

Ricky Allen Porter

By: Susie Brady

 

 

 

 

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KMB   

Susie, That is a beautiful poem and I'm glad Ricky had the chance for you to read it to him. I'm sure it made his transition easier knowing God's angels were there to help him.

I am sorry you have lost your mom and your brother. They are different types of losses compared to losing a soul mate, but loss of loved ones just the same. I cannot even imagine the pain you are enduring from so much loss.  You sound like you have a deep faith in God, and He will bring you comfort, peace and guide you on your path. Stay strong!

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HI KMB, 

Again I find myself crying ..  I feel so empty.. I keep telling myself it will be ok, but I don’t feel it.  I’m trying so hard to be strong. I just cannot believe I’ll never see him again.  

I hope it will get easier each day but I think that will be awhile.. 

thank you everybody for all of your kind words especially since everybody is going through their own losses..

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KayC   

I'm glad you have that expression of outlet, it helps, it really does, and your poem is beautiful.

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KMB   
15 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

I hope it will get easier each day but I think that will be awhile.

It will take a very long while. There is no way around it. I keep telling myself every day that I am going to be okay. It sure doesn't feel like it though. My heart is heavy with sadness.

It doesn't feel like we are strong, but I feel that every day we manage to see ourselves through, helps to make us strong.

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15 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

I just cannot believe I’ll never see him again.  

I HAVE GOT to believe that I will see him again. That's the only thing stopping me from killing myself right now. 

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KMB   
6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I HAVE GOT to believe that I will see him again

You will see him again. When you finish your individual life path here and transition to the afterlife. We have to hang onto this in our hearts and the bond of love can never be broken.

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Well I understand it will take longer than I could even imagine.. today I got a card from the hospice that took care of him. A very nice group of people .. then I talked to the social worker from there for awhile.. it seems I need to keep talking.. 

I do wish my mom was here to hold me.  

I do have friends and family to talk to but it seems like now that it’s been two weeks tomorrow, people begin to stop talking.. I understand . They cannot imagine the hurt we are going through and life just keeps moving on while ours just seemed to have stopped.. even though we go through the motions of life. 

I ask myself where did that time go? I just met him.. I just fell in love.. it’s not fair.. but there’s no answers .., just emptiness.. 

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Patti14   
On 10/10/2017 at 9:02 PM, SusieRicky said:

Hi my name is Susie,

my boyfriend passed away on September 30,2017.  I spent over 5 weeks with him in hospice.. I only went home 3 times to wash clothes and shower in my own place.. I never slept at home.  

For the first 4 weeks I slept with him in his hospital bed.. there were some very sweet times and very hard times.  He had some rebound days where we could talk but the days he was down, nIt much talking.. just pain and sleeping. The last week he began to fry sore so he got an air bed and I’ll never forget the last day we get t to sleep together.. so sad. 

I forgot to mention he had cancer.. we found out last November.. we thought he had at least 3 or 4 years .. it was not to be..  

the hardest part was how his body deceived him.. by the time he passed .. he was barely recognizable.. I still have that vision of his last breath in my head.. 

he was the love of my life.. I thought we would have a lot longer together.

My heart hurts so bad and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.  I know it takes time.. and I’m still waiting for his ashes.  I keep wondering how I’ll feel when I get them and see his actual death certificate.  

I am sorry for your loss Susie. I lost my husband on September 23rd. It was unexpected. I had to watch him die in our bed as the ambulance took over 19 minutes to get here. I can't get the image out of my head and the fact I couldn't save him. I know your pain. It is really hard. My husband was my true soulmate as well and for him to die so young is hard to deal with. I can't offer any advice because this is still new to me as well but I can tell you that you are not alone. 

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Omg.. you must have been terrified .. I’m so sorry.  When the love of your life dies right in front of you,  You see it but you just can’t believe it.  I still can’t believe he’s gone. I dint even have his ashes or death certificate but we had a memorial service.  

How do we go on if our minds can’t yet believe it. My bf was in hospice for over 5 weeks and I saw his body deteriorate right in front of my eyes. He had a besutiful smike and these pretty greens eyes.  But by the time he died.. he didn’t look anything like I knew him.. 

but I thank God for the time we had those 5 weeks together.. I never left him one night. I slept with him in his hospital bed always cuddling until the last week but my cot was level with his bed and we held hands until we fell asleep.. 

but like you I cannot get the last breath he took....and the body that was left was not my baby. 

Thank you fir sharing with me.. I know God will carry us through this.. we may never stop hurting.. but we will learn to live each day the best we can.  

Kerp in touch here.. we lost our loves so close together.. 

 

 

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KayC   

Patti and Susie,

You are both so new in this but there's not a one of us that doesn't remember how we felt when we were at your time line.  I don't know how we made it through those days.  It feels like it jolted our brain and all of our senses, forever changing us.  It was a year before I could watch a movie, ten years before I could enjoy reading a book all the way through, my focus was gone, gone was the enjoyment I'd had of my hobbies.  Friends quickly did a disappearing act, the very subject of death is uncomfortable to them.  Well it's uncomfortable to us too but the difference is we're forced to face it!  We can't run and hide from it, it haunts us during the daytime and we can't escape it at night.  Weekends it is our companion while others are enjoying time with their families.  And at a time when it is the hardest we are forced to make decisions, handle paperwork, that seems beyond us to deal with.  We get jolted with other's declarations that we are now single, widowed.  They call on the phone and ask for them by name.  They send them junk mail, hitting us again.  It is never ending.

But survive we are, one day at a time.  And the hope that keeps me going, one foot in front of the other, is knowing we'll be together again. Whether fated to be together or drawn to each other like a magnetic field across the miles, we will find our way into each other's arms again.

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