Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Sign in to follow this  
Patti14

Struggling

Recommended Posts

Francine   
2 hours ago, KMB said:

If I just only knew that I had a short time here yet, maybe it would make this grieving a little easier to bear?

I know, right!  It's so different, and like you, I never thought I'd be here, not this soon.  We lost a very dear friend of Charles two weeks before Charles made his transition and I can remember so vividly going to his services and feeling so devastated for this widow.  I can remember feeling how I'd feel if anything happened to my Charles and thinking that I couldn't go on without him.  I felt so very heavyhearted for her.  On December 1, 2016 we attended his services; 5 days later, my Charles was gone.  The worst day of my entire  life. 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Take your husband with you.  I know it's not the same as him being physically present, but invite him and carry him inside your heart.  I talk to my husband all the time, if not aloud then in my mind. 

So true; I always find myself talking to Charles because somehow within me I feel he's still with me.  I know I can't see him but I feel he's there.  Time passes but not one day goes by that he is not in my heart.  The day God saw fit to take my Charles was not just a day on a calendar, it was the day my very existence changed forever.  Charles is the most beautiful memory I keep inside my heat and no one will ever replace him.  He was one of a kind and I will always miss him, but as long as I live, he lives.  Whenever I post or talk about my Charles, it is NOT to get sympathy; it is to keep his memory alive.

I am a Christian and my faith tells there IS life after death and I know that to be true; however, sometimes I feel there is life after death simply because when my Charles died, so did I (or I felt that way), and I'm still alive (in a sense).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
47 minutes ago, Francine said:

I am a Christian and my faith tells there IS life after death and I know that to be true; however, sometimes I feel there is life after death simply because when my Charles died, so did I (or I felt that way), and I'm still alive (in a sense).

I get that. We are here, but not really. Not like we used to be, fully engaged in living. I believe our soul passes into Heaven and we have to shed the physical shell that housed it here in this physical life.  Our loved ones have a new form for their soul in Heaven and someday, we will join them. The sooner the better. :wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
53 minutes ago, KMB said:

Our loved ones have a new form for their soul in Heaven and someday, we will join them. The sooner the better. :wub:

 

Amen to that!  I wanna be where he is; I've always felt that way; we always wanted to be together and someday, we will.  It's just so damn hard when there's a hole where your heart used to be.  Charles has always had my heart and always will.  Strange, Charles taught me that love is an amazing, wonderful, beautiful thing; I'm experiencing how it keeps you up at night crying softly to yourself wondering how much pain you can endure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
1 hour ago, Francine said:

I wanna be where he is; I've always felt that way; we always wanted to be together and someday, we will.

I think it and say it aloud many times everyday. I tell Ed we were never apart here and we shouldn't be apart now. We were always together, day in , day out. His physical absence leaves such a huge void, as I'm sure you deal with the same with Charles not being with you. You would think our loss would have done us in by now.

I've been reading about being positive and manifesting your desires to the universe and to God. The whole ask and you shall receive stuff. I suppose God doesn't look kindly on me when I ask to be reunited with my husband soon. But, that is my top desire. I can't help what I truly feel. I hope God understands my honesty.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
17 hours ago, Francine said:

I feel you and know what you're experiencing.  Had a really bad night; I couldn't seem to stop crying and feeling very very sad.  That kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more than that, a kind of sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't sleep because the sadness is in your soul and even in your dreams where it's almost impossible to escape.   My time with my Charles is still the favorite chapter of my life that I keep re-visiting night after night until my eyes are red with tears and my heat hurts from the memories of his touch.

Like you, I too don't know what to do.  With Charles here, life was good, not great, but we were both very happy.   Now that Charles is gone, life is simply existing; there is no anticipation, excitement, thrill, or enjoyment about anything or anyone.  I can tell that I'm different  -   I'm more indifferent,  uninterested, unemotional, unmoved, motionless, couldn't care less about anything or anyone.  One might say that's sad, and perhaps it is, but it's me now and I'm learning to accept this new me.

Francine,

I understand.  We were just having this discussion on my other site.  I've forgotten what it's like to have touch in your life, so much so that when I see my kids I forget to hug them.  That's sad.  But it's a fact of my new life.  I've asked them to remember to hug ME when I forget.  My daughter is experiencing that now too since her husband has been gone for six months.
 

It's also equally sad that the further out we are we can forget what it's like to have that wonderful life, we forget what it's like to have that zest for life, to enjoy doing things.  So much of our love of life was tied up with them being in it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
10 hours ago, KayC said:

So much of our love of life was tied up with them being in it.

So true and now that he's gone, I sometimes feel that I too am gone to my children and grandchildren (if that makes any sense).  I don't want to be because I feel it's now my duty to be father and mother to my children and grandpa and grandma to my grandchildren; and to tell you the truth KayC, I don't think I have the strength or stamina to do it.  My Charles did, and I got my strength from him; now that he's gone, I'm drained.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
19 hours ago, KMB said:

The whole ask and you shall receive stuff. I suppose God doesn't look kindly on me when I ask to be reunited with my husband soon. But, that is my top desire. I can't help what I truly feel. I hope God understands my honesty.

HE knows us more than we know ourselves and definitely knows our hearts.  I am grateful that our Heavenly Father knows our heart.  Others may misunderstand our good intentions, judge our words or deeds, find fault or blame what they truly do not understand; but God knows our hearts.  HE knows we are all learning, trying, striving striving to be all HE created us to be.  In Jeremiah 17:10, it states, "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."    The way I look at it is asking my Father what I want, not knowing what I need, and HE like any good father, knows what's best for me and gives me just that!  

You know you're always in my prayers.  Stay Strong - sending hugs your way always!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
4 hours ago, Francine said:

and now that he's gone, I sometimes feel that I too am gone to my children and grandchildren

I feel the same way. It is hard to describe and gives me a sense of guilt. I am still there for my kids, but it is not with the same full heart. I am still a mother and I know I need to be there for my kids, but  at the same time, I need and want to be with my husband. He was my grounding center. The conflicting emotions is draining.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
17 hours ago, Francine said:

So true and now that he's gone, I sometimes feel that I too am gone to my children and grandchildren (if that makes any sense).  I don't want to be because I feel it's now my duty to be father and mother to my children and grandpa and grandma to my grandchildren; and to tell you the truth KayC, I don't think I have the strength or stamina to do it.  My Charles did, and I got my strength from him; now that he's gone, I'm drained.

I know, and it's hard for them to get that, they haven't gone through the same loss we have.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
cp9042   
On 10/10/2017 at 8:09 AM, Patti14 said:

I am struggling really bad today. I need my husband back. I can't sleep and my nerves are shot. This consumes my whole being. I can't do this without him. I don't know what to do. I can't get him back and it is making me sick. 

I am so sorry you are having a rough time of it.  I definitely can relate to what you are saying.  I feel the same about the loss of my husband.  Sometimes I ache so much, and say to myself, "Why can't he come back"?  I need him so much!"  But I realize he will not be coming back, and I have to go on.

All I can offer is to try to find things to occupy your time, even if it is just watching tv.  I broke my arm not long after my husband passed, so I was alone and dealing with grief.  I watched a LOT of TV.  Prayers and hugs to you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Patti14   
1 hour ago, cp9042 said:

I am so sorry you are having a rough time of it.  I definitely can relate to what you are saying.  I feel the same about the loss of my husband.  Sometimes I ache so much, and say to myself, "Why can't he come back"?  I need him so much!"  But I realize he will not be coming back, and I have to go on.

All I can offer is to try to find things to occupy your time, even if it is just watching tv.  I broke my arm not long after my husband passed, so I was alone and dealing with grief.  I watched a LOT of TV.  Prayers and hugs to you

Sorry for your loss. It is so hard and I just wish he was here. Even when I am occupied all I can think about is him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×