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Struggling


Patti14

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I am struggling really bad today. I need my husband back. I can't sleep and my nerves are shot. This consumes my whole being. I can't do this without him. I don't know what to do. I can't get him back and it is making me sick. 

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Hi Patti14, 

Take a deep breath... that's what I do all the time when I choke for him. And write about your feeling, it helps really. I just typed and typed on my computer.. I was told my grief counselor and it did help. 

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Patti, I can sympathize. Oh, boy how I can. It's been almost four months for me but I've been running on adrenaline almost all that time and it's catching up with me.

I'm going back in to see my DR. on Friday, have to get my blood pressure checked and all that good stuff. I know for a fact that my husband would want me to take care of myself, and I have not been doing a very good job of it. Although, have to admit not quite sure what I should be doing. When you can't sleep and never really relax it really take a toll on the body, and the mind too. So, one way or another I have to get a handle on this. I really hope you can too, it's not been long for you, and my heart is broken for you. But please if you can, be easy on yourself whenever you are able to.

 

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Sometime I missed him like I can die to see him, its so painful journey, not easy to handle. Why why why he left me for crying, for slow death, its so hard. 

I can just cry cry cry nothing helps me, hope I die soon.

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1 hour ago, TeddTodd said:

Hi Patti14, 

Take a deep breath... that's what I do all the time when I choke for him. And write about your feeling, it helps really. I just typed and typed on my computer.. I was told my grief counselor and it did help. 

I am trying it's just so hard. 

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1 hour ago, Judy S. said:

Patti, I can sympathize. Oh, boy how I can. It's been almost four months for me but I've been running on adrenaline almost all that time and it's catching up with me.

I'm going back in to see my DR. on Friday, have to get my blood pressure checked and all that good stuff. I know for a fact that my husband would want me to take care of myself, and I have not been doing a very good job of it. Although, have to admit not quite sure what I should be doing. When you can't sleep and never really relax it really take a toll on the body, and the mind too. So, one way or another I have to get a handle on this. I really hope you can too, it's not been long for you, and my heart is broken for you. But please if you can, be easy on yourself whenever you are able to.

 

I need to get to my doctor but my new insurance doesn't start until December 1st. In July I was told the company that I worked for was outsourcing our financial department. I worked for them for 15 years. My last day with them was August 31st. I thought that was going to be my worst news of the year. My husband was so supportive. I called him crying at and he was like baby calm down. Your amazing you will find something else. He was always there for me. I did find another job and they waited for my other job to end to start me. I started on 9/05/17. Then I lost my husband on 09/23/17. So really the job was meaningless compared to losing my husband. Only he is not here for me to get through this. I just need a hug from him.

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am struggling really bad today. I need my husband back. I can't sleep and my nerves are shot. This consumes my whole being. I can't do this without him. I don't know what to do. I can't get him back and it is making me sick. 

My prayers are with you, Patti. Maybe you can call your doctor and see if they have free samples of anti-anxiety and/or sleep meds? I feel for you that you need to wait for your new insurance to kick in. I know exactly how you are feeling and I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin with the no sleeping and the anxiety/panic attacks. I had that big ball at the back of my throat and a physical ache in my stomach. I really wished it would kill me, but it didn't.

I went the natural route for myself. I don't know the state of your finances, but I went to the website, Native Remedies, and found Pure Calm and MindSoothe. You can use one or both. They are drops you put into a little water and drink. Starts working fairly quickly. They are expensive on the website, but I am an ebay shopper. I live in the country with no access to natural health stores. I found both remedies a little cheaper on ebay. Also, KayC mentioned Sam-e. It is used for balancing mood and some other healthful things.

I also bought one of those electric essential oil diffusers. I got the lavender oil for its soothing, relaxing properties. I had that thing going all day and it helped a lot. You can use them at night to for trying to sleep.

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KMB, you found the natural remedies helpful? I’m a pretty big skeptic when it comes to natural remedies but I also don’t want to take Xanax or prescription sleeping pills because I think they’re even worse. Just curious as to what the effects are

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47 minutes ago, KMB said:

My prayers are with you, Patti. Maybe you can call your doctor and see if they have free samples of anti-anxiety and/or sleep meds? I feel for you that you need to wait for your new insurance to kick in. I know exactly how you are feeling and I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin with the no sleeping and the anxiety/panic attacks. I had that big ball at the back of my throat and a physical ache in my stomach. I really wished it would kill me, but it didn't.

I went the natural route for myself. I don't know the state of your finances, but I went to the website, Native Remedies, and found Pure Calm and MindSoothe. You can use one or both. They are drops you put into a little water and drink. Starts working fairly quickly. They are expensive on the website, but I am an ebay shopper. I live in the country with no access to natural health stores. I found both remedies a little cheaper on ebay. Also, KayC mentioned Sam-e. It is used for balancing mood and some other healthful things.

I also bought one of those electric essential oil diffusers. I got the lavender oil for its soothing, relaxing properties. I had that thing going all day and it helped a lot. You can use them at night to for trying to sleep.

Thank you for the suggestions I will look into them. The anxiety and the panic attacked are the worst. I try to talk myself through it but it just keeps getting worse.

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

KMB, you found the natural remedies helpful? I’m a pretty big skeptic when it comes to natural remedies but I also don’t want to take Xanax or prescription sleeping pills because I think they’re even worse. Just curious as to what the effects are

 

There are no side effects. You can read about them on the website. All the info is listed. No addiction to them either. I have been using them again, on and off since last week. It has been several months since I last needed them. The high intensity of the grief monster decided to come out and test me again.

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44 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

The anxiety and the panic attacked are the worst. I try to talk myself through it but it just keeps getting worse.

I tried talking myself through the worst also. I also tried long showers and soaking in the tub. Tried the relaxation deep breathing. Came to the conclusion I needed to try something else.

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30 minutes ago, KMB said:

I tried talking myself through the worst also. I also tried long showers and soaking in the tub. Tried the relaxation deep breathing. Came to the conclusion I needed to try something else.

Yeah none of it works

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Patti,

I don;t know when you lost your insurance but losing your husband is a change of life event, you might be able to get Obamacare for free.  Try calling the federal exchange, to tide you over until you get new insurance. 1-800-318-2596.  They can take your application over the phone and help you through the process.

Just making it through today is a feat.  We need to give ourselves pats on the back, this is hard!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Patti,

I don;t know when you lost your insurance but losing your husband is a change of life event, you might be able to get Obamacare for free.  Try calling the federal exchange, to tide you over until you get new insurance. 1-800-318-2596.  They can take your application over the phone and help you through the process.

Just making it through today is a feat.  We need to give ourselves pats on the back, this is hard!

Thank you for the advice. I didn't think about that. Well I haven't thought about much lately except for how much I miss my husband. The pain makes it hard to think about anything else.

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

Thank you for the advice. I didn't think about that. Well I haven't thought about much lately except for how much I miss my husband. The pain makes it hard to think about anything else.

I know what you mean. Wondering around in a fog. 

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39 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I know what you mean. Wondering around in a fog. 

Yes exactly! Don't even know how I get through the day!

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Yes. Going through the motions helps I guess since I look up and the day is over. However, the day still seems so long! It's like walking neck deep in oatmeal. 

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8 hours ago, Paluka said:

Yes. Going through the motions helps I guess since I look up and the day is over. However, the day still seems so long! It's like walking neck deep in oatmeal. 

The days are so long and painful. 

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I woke up this morning. I felt numb and was not in pain. I went about getting ready for work. I thought to myself "what's going on here? Why am I not hurting?"

When I kneeled down to say my prayers before I left for work I fell apart again. Now I'm crying every chance I get to be alone. I miss her so much. 

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I woke up this morning. I felt numb and was not in pain. I went about getting ready for work. I thought to myself "what's going on here? Why am I not hurting?"

When I kneeled down to say my prayers before I left for work I fell apart again. Now I'm crying every chance I get to be alone. I miss her so much. 

I know what you mean. I am crying every chance I get to. They are already talking about the Holiday party here at work and it is going to be at a place my husband and I have always wanted to go but never got the chance. The idea that I can't go with my husband to this party is so unbearable. It is so unfair. How do I deal with this.

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Paluka,  Feeling numb and walking around with brain fog and having crying spells is completely normal for grieving. Maybe the numbness is the minds way of giving itself a break. The trauma of loss is constant and the body and mind are trying to protect and help us cope 24/7. Grieving is probably the hardest thing we'll have to do for the rest of our life. It does get a little easier over time. It is a very slow process. This is the first morning in a week that I haven't had to deal with an anxiety attack. A minor accomplishment, but one regardless.

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On 10/10/2017 at 8:09 AM, Patti14 said:

I am struggling really bad today. I need my husband back. I can't sleep and my nerves are shot. This consumes my whole being. I can't do this without him. I don't know what to do. I can't get him back and it is making me sick. 

I feel you and know what you're experiencing.  Had a really bad night; I couldn't seem to stop crying and feeling very very sad.  That kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more than that, a kind of sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't sleep because the sadness is in your soul and even in your dreams where it's almost impossible to escape.   My time with my Charles is still the favorite chapter of my life that I keep re-visiting night after night until my eyes are red with tears and my heat hurts from the memories of his touch.

Like you, I too don't know what to do.  With Charles here, life was good, not great, but we were both very happy.   Now that Charles is gone, life is simply existing; there is no anticipation, excitement, thrill, or enjoyment about anything or anyone.  I can tell that I'm different  -   I'm more indifferent,  uninterested, unemotional, unmoved, motionless, couldn't care less about anything or anyone.  One might say that's sad, and perhaps it is, but it's me now and I'm learning to accept this new me.

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2 minutes ago, Francine said:

I feel you and know what you're experiencing.  Had a really bad night; I couldn't seem to stop crying and feeling very very sad.  That kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more than that, a kind of sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't sleep because the sadness is in your soul and even in your dreams where it's almost impossible to escape.   My time with my Charles is still the favorite chapter of my life that I keep re-visiting night after night until my eyes are red with tears and my heat hurts from the memories of his touch.

Like you, I too don't know what to do.  With Charles here, life was good, not great, but we were both very happy.   Now that Charles is gone, life is simply existing; there is no anticipation, excitement, thrill, or enjoyment about anything or anyone.  I can tell that I'm different  -   I'm more indifferent,  uninterested, unemotional, unmoved, motionless, couldn't care less about anything or anyone.  One might say that's sad, and perhaps it is, but it's me now and I'm learning to accept this new me.

It is a deep sadness throughout your soul and entire body. We were so happy and in love. I definitely have no joy in anything or anyone.  I am definitely different and will never be the same. There is no more Patti and Greg. There is just Patti and who cares. 

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48 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I know what you mean. I am crying every chance I get to. They are already talking about the Holiday party here at work and it is going to be at a place my husband and I have always wanted to go but never got the chance. The idea that I can't go with my husband to this party is so unbearable. It is so unfair. How do I deal with this.

Take your husband with you.  I know it's not the same as him being physically present, but invite him and carry him inside your heart.  I talk to my husband all the time, if not aloud then in my mind.  We have to get through this the best way we know.  I carry my grief inside of me but I carry him too.

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Francine, I am sorry you had a bad night. I know what those are like myself. It feels strange to be up during the night, crying, wandering the rooms in the dark, looking out the windows into the dark night. Thinking of my Ed and wishing he was here with me. Wishing for him to reach out a hand from the other realm and pull me up to be with him again. Wondering about all the "whys" of everything. I never gave a thought of being in this situation. Or at least, not for many more years. When I was a lot closer to my own expiration date. If I just only knew that I had a short time here yet, maybe it would make this grieving a little easier to bear?

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

If I just only knew that I had a short time here yet, maybe it would make this grieving a little easier to bear?

I know, right!  It's so different, and like you, I never thought I'd be here, not this soon.  We lost a very dear friend of Charles two weeks before Charles made his transition and I can remember so vividly going to his services and feeling so devastated for this widow.  I can remember feeling how I'd feel if anything happened to my Charles and thinking that I couldn't go on without him.  I felt so very heavyhearted for her.  On December 1, 2016 we attended his services; 5 days later, my Charles was gone.  The worst day of my entire  life. 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Take your husband with you.  I know it's not the same as him being physically present, but invite him and carry him inside your heart.  I talk to my husband all the time, if not aloud then in my mind. 

So true; I always find myself talking to Charles because somehow within me I feel he's still with me.  I know I can't see him but I feel he's there.  Time passes but not one day goes by that he is not in my heart.  The day God saw fit to take my Charles was not just a day on a calendar, it was the day my very existence changed forever.  Charles is the most beautiful memory I keep inside my heat and no one will ever replace him.  He was one of a kind and I will always miss him, but as long as I live, he lives.  Whenever I post or talk about my Charles, it is NOT to get sympathy; it is to keep his memory alive.

I am a Christian and my faith tells there IS life after death and I know that to be true; however, sometimes I feel there is life after death simply because when my Charles died, so did I (or I felt that way), and I'm still alive (in a sense).

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47 minutes ago, Francine said:

I am a Christian and my faith tells there IS life after death and I know that to be true; however, sometimes I feel there is life after death simply because when my Charles died, so did I (or I felt that way), and I'm still alive (in a sense).

I get that. We are here, but not really. Not like we used to be, fully engaged in living. I believe our soul passes into Heaven and we have to shed the physical shell that housed it here in this physical life.  Our loved ones have a new form for their soul in Heaven and someday, we will join them. The sooner the better. :wub:

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53 minutes ago, KMB said:

Our loved ones have a new form for their soul in Heaven and someday, we will join them. The sooner the better. :wub:

 

Amen to that!  I wanna be where he is; I've always felt that way; we always wanted to be together and someday, we will.  It's just so damn hard when there's a hole where your heart used to be.  Charles has always had my heart and always will.  Strange, Charles taught me that love is an amazing, wonderful, beautiful thing; I'm experiencing how it keeps you up at night crying softly to yourself wondering how much pain you can endure.

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1 hour ago, Francine said:

I wanna be where he is; I've always felt that way; we always wanted to be together and someday, we will.

I think it and say it aloud many times everyday. I tell Ed we were never apart here and we shouldn't be apart now. We were always together, day in , day out. His physical absence leaves such a huge void, as I'm sure you deal with the same with Charles not being with you. You would think our loss would have done us in by now.

I've been reading about being positive and manifesting your desires to the universe and to God. The whole ask and you shall receive stuff. I suppose God doesn't look kindly on me when I ask to be reunited with my husband soon. But, that is my top desire. I can't help what I truly feel. I hope God understands my honesty.

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17 hours ago, Francine said:

I feel you and know what you're experiencing.  Had a really bad night; I couldn't seem to stop crying and feeling very very sad.  That kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more than that, a kind of sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't sleep because the sadness is in your soul and even in your dreams where it's almost impossible to escape.   My time with my Charles is still the favorite chapter of my life that I keep re-visiting night after night until my eyes are red with tears and my heat hurts from the memories of his touch.

Like you, I too don't know what to do.  With Charles here, life was good, not great, but we were both very happy.   Now that Charles is gone, life is simply existing; there is no anticipation, excitement, thrill, or enjoyment about anything or anyone.  I can tell that I'm different  -   I'm more indifferent,  uninterested, unemotional, unmoved, motionless, couldn't care less about anything or anyone.  One might say that's sad, and perhaps it is, but it's me now and I'm learning to accept this new me.

Francine,

I understand.  We were just having this discussion on my other site.  I've forgotten what it's like to have touch in your life, so much so that when I see my kids I forget to hug them.  That's sad.  But it's a fact of my new life.  I've asked them to remember to hug ME when I forget.  My daughter is experiencing that now too since her husband has been gone for six months.
 

It's also equally sad that the further out we are we can forget what it's like to have that wonderful life, we forget what it's like to have that zest for life, to enjoy doing things.  So much of our love of life was tied up with them being in it.

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

So much of our love of life was tied up with them being in it.

So true and now that he's gone, I sometimes feel that I too am gone to my children and grandchildren (if that makes any sense).  I don't want to be because I feel it's now my duty to be father and mother to my children and grandpa and grandma to my grandchildren; and to tell you the truth KayC, I don't think I have the strength or stamina to do it.  My Charles did, and I got my strength from him; now that he's gone, I'm drained.

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

The whole ask and you shall receive stuff. I suppose God doesn't look kindly on me when I ask to be reunited with my husband soon. But, that is my top desire. I can't help what I truly feel. I hope God understands my honesty.

HE knows us more than we know ourselves and definitely knows our hearts.  I am grateful that our Heavenly Father knows our heart.  Others may misunderstand our good intentions, judge our words or deeds, find fault or blame what they truly do not understand; but God knows our hearts.  HE knows we are all learning, trying, striving striving to be all HE created us to be.  In Jeremiah 17:10, it states, "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."    The way I look at it is asking my Father what I want, not knowing what I need, and HE like any good father, knows what's best for me and gives me just that!  

You know you're always in my prayers.  Stay Strong - sending hugs your way always!

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4 hours ago, Francine said:

and now that he's gone, I sometimes feel that I too am gone to my children and grandchildren

I feel the same way. It is hard to describe and gives me a sense of guilt. I am still there for my kids, but it is not with the same full heart. I am still a mother and I know I need to be there for my kids, but  at the same time, I need and want to be with my husband. He was my grounding center. The conflicting emotions is draining.

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17 hours ago, Francine said:

So true and now that he's gone, I sometimes feel that I too am gone to my children and grandchildren (if that makes any sense).  I don't want to be because I feel it's now my duty to be father and mother to my children and grandpa and grandma to my grandchildren; and to tell you the truth KayC, I don't think I have the strength or stamina to do it.  My Charles did, and I got my strength from him; now that he's gone, I'm drained.

I know, and it's hard for them to get that, they haven't gone through the same loss we have.

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On 10/10/2017 at 8:09 AM, Patti14 said:

I am struggling really bad today. I need my husband back. I can't sleep and my nerves are shot. This consumes my whole being. I can't do this without him. I don't know what to do. I can't get him back and it is making me sick. 

I am so sorry you are having a rough time of it.  I definitely can relate to what you are saying.  I feel the same about the loss of my husband.  Sometimes I ache so much, and say to myself, "Why can't he come back"?  I need him so much!"  But I realize he will not be coming back, and I have to go on.

All I can offer is to try to find things to occupy your time, even if it is just watching tv.  I broke my arm not long after my husband passed, so I was alone and dealing with grief.  I watched a LOT of TV.  Prayers and hugs to you

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1 hour ago, cp9042 said:

I am so sorry you are having a rough time of it.  I definitely can relate to what you are saying.  I feel the same about the loss of my husband.  Sometimes I ache so much, and say to myself, "Why can't he come back"?  I need him so much!"  But I realize he will not be coming back, and I have to go on.

All I can offer is to try to find things to occupy your time, even if it is just watching tv.  I broke my arm not long after my husband passed, so I was alone and dealing with grief.  I watched a LOT of TV.  Prayers and hugs to you

Sorry for your loss. It is so hard and I just wish he was here. Even when I am occupied all I can think about is him.

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