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tessa   

It's so lonely. It's Monday morning. I don't have much work to distract me today. Normally, I would go to my mum's and hang out with her, cook lunch, watch TV, just spend time with my mother.
But mum is not there anymore. She hasn't been there for over 2 months. I still have the image of her sitting in her favourite chair. But she is not there anymore, the chair is empty.
I don't have a partner nor children. I lost most of my friends a long time ago. The few I have are busy living their own lives. I lost my best friend 3 years ago. I have a sister but we don't share the same interests. She is not mum.
I'm all alone now. I've been in this forum reading for hours because I have nothing else to do. I got it much easier than others. Some stories I've read are just awful and unfair. But there's still a big hole inside that mum left when she passed away.
All I know is that I have to keep going but going to where I do not know. Life seems meaningless now.
I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever.
Thanks for listening
 

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reader   

Dear Tessa,

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I just wanted to send my support, love and hugs to you. I relate to so much of what you are writing.

I find myself in the same boat even though it has been almost one year. I too was my father's main caregiver. I find myself at a lost. I've ruminated a lot about what I could have done to save my dad. And then there are moments when I tell myself to make new plans and do new things. Its a day by day for the most part.

Be kind and gentle with yourself.  Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

 

 

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No kidding,--that's exactly how I feel,Tessa. I worked from home teaching and grading online so I was here more or less 24/7 with mom hovering around nearby unless I was actually teaching on campus.

Now, if my deadbeat, douchebag, dimwit, dipshitt, dingbat dad were not here, life would have been heaven. I used to fantasize that once D(e)ad kicked off, mom and I would travel again. No more having to bend over backwards for the overgrown 4 year old. The mentally ret@rded affirmative action graduate of Princeton. The incest pest. But alas, he wore mom out and she died instead. 

I do miss her so much. She was my best friend, mentor, and everything in between. Like you, I don't have lots of friends either....I had just gotten rid of one two years before her passing and I have another one whom I do like a lot but she lives several states away.  I miss not going shopping with Mom after finishing a big project. I miss not going to the library and Barnes and Noble in the late afternoons when we would check out DVD's to watch. I miss not going to the drugstore where mom would simultaneously complain I had too much makeup AND urge me to buy yet another nail polish. I miss not showing my mom my articles and course evaluations.....just like the days when I was a little girl in school. Those days are gone. (All together, CUE Eric Carmen's ALL BY MYSELF, DON'T WANNA BE ALL BY MYSELF....ANYMORE).

The silence can be difficult....and even worse are the reminiscences, especially in the beginning. I'd look out of the window and think of the time that mom and I had gone out grocery shopping and discovered the best wings ever. And sometimes, if I happened to be watching a Spice Girls video, I would inevitably think back to late 1998 when mom spent Christmas with me in England. What a wonderful holiday. I can still remember going through those crowds of people on Oxford St. in London, feeling tired, but so happy with mom. We'd go to a carvery and eat to our heart's content. Or sometimes we'd get sushi and mom would laugh at the number of plates in front of me. (Oh no, this is starting all over again!!!!)

So before I get lost in memories again...can you tell us more about your mum, Tessa? Sometimes you''ll feel better just writing about your mom and sharing favorite memories.

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tessa   

Reader, I too felt I could have done more to help my father. He died of pancreatic cancer 4 years ago. The doctors put a stent in him but they didn't say anything about nutrition and I was too busy at the time to think of researching what could be done to build dad's immune system. I regret that.

Silverkitties, I remember the last time I made a quiche for my mum. Quiche is the only thing I cook and my mum loved it. About a month before mum passed, she mentioned we hadn't had quiche for lunch for a long time. So, I made a quiche. I was putting the filling in the quiche dish like I normally do while mum was watching. She kept watching me and watching until she finally had to say "you forgot the pastry". LOL. I was making a quiche without pastry *** eye roll ***

Our home was always filled with laughter. Dad was the funniest, he use to make us laugh all the time. After dad passed away, mum continued the laughter. Dad was wittier than mum but mum was also witty. We just laughed all through life.

 

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reader   

Dear Tessa,

Thank you for sharing your dad and mum with us.

And for your compassion. All these raw emotions that come with grief is difficult. It's been almost one year and I still don't see the light sometimes. I try for the sake of my father, but its been hard.

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

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smk   

It's been 2 months for me as well.   I am at a loss everyday.  It seems to be getting worse than any better.  My mom and I have always lived together.  In the last few years I really was her caretaker and her support.  I felt my purpose was really to care for her.  For the last year she fully depended on me.  My mom was disabled, so when I say I cared for her, it was more than just company and meals, it was getting from chair to scooter to car.  In and out of the house etc.   This past summer, I had a fully handicap bathroom built in my living room with the intention of converting the living room to her bedroom.  The builders finished their work the day before I took her to the hospital and she died 3 days later.  She never used the bathroom.  Which is just added salt to the womb. 

Now, I am in my house alone and the quiet is maddening.  I too do not have children.  I have siblings but they have families and their own lives.  My friends, 2 especially, are very kind, but even that isn't helping.  They have express their concern (as if I should be functioning normally now)  and want me to see a doctor or counseling.  Honestly, I see no purpose to that, it won't change anything.   People keep inviting me out to eat or over their house, but the few times of done that I feel like I am not even present, and for their sake I am suppose to act as if everything is fine.  Uggg.   Which leads me in to my work life, I am an elementary teacher and have always loved what I do, but even this right now is so difficult because I feel like I have to really put on an act in front of the kids.  (Which I do, I am good and faking it and I would never ever want them to see me not at my best)

I am dreading the upcoming holidays too. My mom was the center of our family and the holidays especially Christmas was her favorite.  Not sure what that is going to be like.  

Well thats my story....

 

 

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Dear Tessa & smk,

I feel exactly the same as you both.  I too am single with no children and friends have their own families so I am pretty much alone 90% of the time.  Losing my mother has been devastating in ways I can't even eloquently verbalise.   The sense that everything feels meaningless and empty now.  Even though I was alone before, my mother was a big part of my life and always had been.  We spoke daily, I knew her better than anyone.  We spent a lot of time together even though I travelled often.  Now I am left with this nothingness.  I talk to her every day out loud like she is there listening?  Around others I pretend to be normal and fine, although after 8 months no one actually asks.  I do believe that after 3 months, things do get worse.  I am sorry to say that to you both.  I found the first 3 months its still hard to absorb, you're are still in this quiet shock.  After that is when the real sadness, guilt, depression really begins.  You've had longer to digest it all and the finality of them being gone really sinks in and for me I hit a whole other layer of loss I didn't know existed.  its a silent anxiety and heavy feeling that all you want is to hide away.  I am sorry for you both because 2 months is such a raw feeling.  i wish I could tell you it gets better.  As much as I want the pain to lessen, the emptiness to go, i want my life to have meaning again, I want at some point to be happier yet I also feel, that the pain and suffering we are all going through is because we loved them so much.  They had a  huge impact on our lives, they loved us.  So now they are gone, it is obvious it will change how we are in the world, how we see things.  I think its like going through a war and not dying but a part of you has.  I am very sorry for your loss.

 

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tessa   

yer, what smk and sadandlost said - an empty world. Living a nothing life in an empty world filled with silence.

smk, and you spent all that time and money on building that bathroom :( We spent a lot of money buying handicap equipment for dad. When dad passed away, I thought we'd keep it to use for mum. Mum never used it, she went quickly. I have thousands of dollars worth of handicap equipment, hardly used, some still brand new.

I'm going to see a psychologist. Like smk, I can't see how a psychologist can help. But I'm going anyway, if nothing else, it will give me something to do for an hour. Maybe if I talk it out, it might feel better.

sadandlost, yer, it's meaningless and empty now. I'm thinking of all the things I can do to keep me sane - yoga, charity work, walking, meet ups ......... but it all seems meaningless.

We are both blessed and cursed for getting too close to our mother/father/loved one. I have a friend whose mother passed away 3 weeks before mine. She isn't going through what I'm going through. She wasn't her mother's carer. She also didn't see her mother much, she lives in a different state. Her mother was also in a nursing home for a few years so her death was expected.

She got it easier than me. But I have the memories of being with my mum that she doesn't. Both blessed and cursed at the same time.

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