So it's October...

[WaHaaf99]

It's October.

This is the beginning of the worst I think for me. All of my memories start in mid-late September, but October was the first full month of knowing him. All of these memories suddenly go in my mind of everything. It is so difficult. I am working on my bachelor's for teaching, and so I have been so busy lately... I haven't gotten any signs from him really. Which saddens me. I think I got one on my birthday. I told him I want to see a Cardinal. Well, I didn't see an actual cardinal bird flying, I saw one inside the grocery store because of a team and their logo is a Cardinal... so maybe that counts? I don't know, that is always there.

Anyway... I have cried more recently. Mostly on weekends, because I  am alone on weekends, and I have nobody here with me to distract me. (Friends) All of them leave for the weekend, so I am stuck here in my room. During the week, I am better. I am with my friends, I can stay distracted from the time I go to class, to the time I go to sleep. But other than that... I am alone with this.

Just sudden memories... sudden sadness. I really miss him.

[KMB]

2 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

This is the beginning of the worst I think for me.

My heart breaks for you, for all of us here. There is no getting around this grieving. it is in our face 24/7.  I see you are getting to the 6 month mark, when the full reality of our loss hits the hardest. Some people hit that wall of reality before 6 months or even a month or two later. Timing is different for everyone. But, when it does, it brings us full circle to the first days of our loss.

You are busy with classes during the week. This means you haven't given up, which is a good thing. You are making your partner proud in being able to move forward. I know how hard that must be for you though. Having your friends with you during the week helps with distractions and the comfort of having people close by you.

I get it with the weekends also. I have issues with getting through the long, lonely weekend too. Most of us do. Those couple of days were the times we spent with our partner the most. By the time I get into Friday afternoon, my mind is already jumping ahead and dreading the next 2 days.

I wish I had some advice for you. Maybe this idea might help? Have any of your friends offered to have you accompany them wherever they go on the weekend? You might not feel up to going anywhere, but, it does help to take baby steps out of our comfort zone now and then. The more we take those baby steps, the easier it gets.

Don't worry about signs or visitation dreams. Those might come down the road in their perfect timing. Sometimes, signs can be so subtle that we are not fully aware of them.  When we are intensely grieving, we are so focused on our pain that a bomb could go off and we probably wouldn't pay attention.

Your partner is always going to be with you spiritually. If you get a sudden thought or idea in your mind, that is probably him guiding you and watching over you.

Hang in there. We are here for you.

 

[Francine]

I'm so sorry but I know, only too well, what you're going through.  The worst time for me is in the evenings; my son is at work and I'm alone with my mind to remember, cry, wish, hurt, pain and agonize on my Charles.  I've retired and while I try to be relatively active during the day, the nights are a different kind of monster.  What to do when you've done all you can and it seems like its never enough.  What do you do when you feel so alone; your heart has been broken and filled with pain and you're tried and tried and you've cried and cried.  

For me, that's easy.   I give it all to my Heavenly Father and I don't interfere.  Scripture, 1Peter 5:7 states, "Cast all your worries on HIM because HE cares for you".   I know that I'm not perfect; I sometimes forget to pray; I've questioned my faith and have lost my temper.  But I thank HIM for loving me, unconditionally, looking past all my faults and giving me another day to start over again.  Sometimes you have to lose yourself to discover who you might yet be and what feels like breaking down is really just breaking free.

Hang in there.  My prayer is for God to give you the strength for everything you face and may you end everyday in peace. Perhaps the cardinal was a sign;  I believe it's possible; it is up to us  to pay attention and not ignore the signs HE sends. 

[KayC]

Signs are great but sometimes hard for them.  I've learned to go by faith in him, our love, our relationship and hold hope for the day we'll be together again.  And if a sign comes, that's just a bonus!

[Myangel0419]

On 10/6/2017 at 5:14 PM, WaHaaf99 said:

. All of these memories suddenly go in my mind of everything. It is so difficult.

I feel you, today is our Thanksgiving weekend and every year we camped  out to see the beautiful fall colours. Last night was very hard for me I cried to sleep because I know it is not gonna happen anymore. Don't feel like doing anything this Thanksgiving 

Hugs to you

[KMB]

Maria,  I am sorry for your pain this weekend. We all experience those "firsts" and they are difficult. Do whatever you feel like doing, or not doing. Some people keep with tradition because it makes them feel better and closer to their loved one and it is a way to honor them. Some choose to do something different and there are those of us who can't do anything at all.  Whatever works for you is always going to be okay. This is your grief road, no one else's.

Last year, I let Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years go by in a blur of pain and tears. I couldn't function with the holidays. For Thanksgiving, I did take a friend up on the offer of their family dinner. I did it because I knew that not too many offers were going to be coming my way and I knew it would be a baby step towards my own well being. I lasted for all of 2 hours and came back home to a lonely house and crawled into bed and cried. I had an offer from another friend for Christmas dinner but due to a freezing rain storm, it was cancelled and I have to admit, I was relieved I didn't have to put that public mask on to survive.  i have no idea how I am going to get through the holidays this year. I am still not functioning 100 % and don't care about anything. I miss my husband so much and nothing is going to take the pain away until I get to be reunited with him.

My prayers are with you, Maria.

[Myangel0419]

@KMB- Thank you. Today, I went to the cemetery to visit him. I cried my heart out while talking to him. I asked him to be my angel too ( he always say I was his angel) to guide me , I have no clue on what to do with my life now. He was my life and I lost him. While looking at his picture  I can't help but noticed  how lively his face was , his beautiful blue eyes looking straight  at me and smiling at me . As if he was telling me that things will be okay. I felt comforted , I felt his love. I came home feeling better and just decided to do some house chores to distract my mind. I still feel the pain but somehow that visit helped me got through the day.   

[KMB]

Maria, Sounds like you did what you needed to do. You found some comfort in talking to your husband and crying always helps, to let out the emotions and relieve some of the pressure .It is said that tears cleanse the heart and helps it to heal. You bet he is your angel! He will always be walking by your side until you are reunited in Heaven.

Finding motivation and a new purpose is the hardest to do.It all can take a very long time. Be patient and kind with yourself. In moving forward, step by step, things will fall into place as they are meant to and in their own perfect timing.

[WaHaaf99]

Recently, I have kept getting the same song stuck in my head that he sang to me only once when we were dating. This particular song randomly enters my head... especially when he sang it. I remember his voice singing.

Luckily tomorrow is Sunday. I kind of hope to keep this thread going... because everything began in September, but at the time... we had just met. October was when everything started to begin... and next month (November) is when we really started to like each other more and begin talking everyday instead of a few times a week. Christmas stuff is already in stores here and people already on Facebook talking about how they are either really ready for Christmas, or ready for it to be Christmas.

I loved Christmas, especially last year. He made it a special holiday. Now, I have no liking for it... except for it being Jesus' birthday. That is the only reason I think of it now.

The 6 month, I haven't really noticed it because I am terrible with keeping up with that... especially because it has been so busy here, I forgot that the 24th has passed us. I just thought it has been a little strange, my busy schedule has really distracted me lately... and now the grieving is slowly creeping up on me again.

[Myangel0419]

24 minutes ago, WaHaaf99 said:

Recently, I have kept getting the same song stuck in my head that he sang to me only once when we were dating. This particular song randomly enters my head... especially when he sang it. I remember his voice singing.

Luckily tomorrow is Sunday. I kind of hope to keep this thread going... because everything began in September, but at the time... we had just met. October was when everything started to begin... and next month (November) is when we really started to like each other more and begin talking everyday instead of a few times a week. Christmas stuff is already in stores here and people already on Facebook talking about how they are either really ready for Christmas, or ready for it to be Christmas.

I loved Christmas, especially last year. He made it a special holiday. Now, I have no liking for it... except for it being Jesus' birthday. That is the only reason I think of it now.

The 6 month, I haven't really noticed it because I am terrible with keeping up with that... especially because it has been so busy here, I forgot that the 24th has passed us. I just thought it has been a little strange, my busy schedule has really distracted me lately... and now the grieving is slowly creeping up on me again.

I think that voice of his singing your song that randomly enters your head is a sign from him. I also hear ny husband's voice randomly even if I'm not thinking about him like when I'm so busy with work. I would suddenly hear his voice in my mind calling my name and saying I love you and I miss you so much. It's very clear to me and I would just answer back. I just embrace and accept all those little signs from him , even if sometimes I question my sanity. 

I deactivated my Facebook account because it's not helping me to heal. Especially these coming holidays I get so jealous with my couple friends spending their holidays with their husbands and partners. And also the memories thing in Facebook, I am not liking that right now.

I understand  about the busy schedules and being distracted , oh boy but when the wave hits you again it's gonna hit so hard that you feel like you're back to the start. It will hurt so much.

[KMB]

WaHaaf, Maria,    I wish I could say something to help you both feel better. This grief road is ours alone to walk. All I can do is pray for all of us.

[WaHaaf99]

On 10/7/2017 at 10:31 PM, Maria0419 said:

I think that voice of his singing your song that randomly enters your head is a sign from him. I also hear ny husband's voice randomly even if I'm not thinking about him like when I'm so busy with work. I would suddenly hear his voice in my mind calling my name and saying I love you and I miss you so much. It's very clear to me and I would just answer back. I just embrace and accept all those little signs from him , even if sometimes I question my sanity.

He sent a video of him singing that, so I think that the video that randomly comes into my head *could* be a sign. Who knows? Anyway, I will say that on the day of his death, for some strange reason... a song that he sent me around this time last year actually  ... he sent me that through text message and on the day he passed, that song randomly went in my head a few hours before I knew that he passed. To this day, I still find it interesting that the song entered my head after so long without listening to it. Just randomly.

@KMB just talking helps in general. It is very difficult trying to say anything when we are going through the same thing. There are times when I feel "normal"... obviously not like I used to be... he is always in my mind, whether the main focus/priority like when I am crying at nights... or in the back of my head, such as when I am with friends and "living life."

[KMB]

WaHaaf,  Yes, talking does help. When I come on here I read posts and I do some responding. It brings me a little comfort knowing that I'm not the only one alone and hurting. Of course, I wish for nothing more that none of us should be hurting. This life doesn't make sense. One moment we are enjoying life with our loved one, and in the next moment that joy was ripped out from us. I still don't understand how people move forward from this type of tragedy, never to see their loved one again in this life time.

[KMB]

On 10/7/2017 at 9:31 PM, Maria0419 said:

And also the memories thing in Facebook, I am not liking that right now.

I don't like the memory deal with facebook myself. I just noticed another this morning from 4 years ago. Life was good then. It reflected in my postings.How did everything go horribly wrong in a few years time? The triggers and the reminders are everywhere. Sometimes, I feel like the world just wants to keep rubbing my nose in my loss. So cruel!

[KayC]

Maria,

You did what you needed to do for you, that's good.  A lot of people have trouble with the Facebook memories. When my George died there was Myspace but Facebook wasn't popular then so I didn't have that to deal with.  

KMB,

The "moving forward" is ever so slow as to seem imperceptible.    Just keep going with one day at a time.  Days turn into weeks, which turn into months, then years.  Hard to believe, but it happens.

[KMB]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Hard to believe, but it happens.

Yes, it is hard to believe. I'm going into my 2nd year. How can that be possible? Time seems to move so slow, no matter what I do to fill the hours. I wake up in the morning and I just lay there knowing my husband isn't laying next to me and that he also isn't already up and watching the morning news. I feel paralyzed, not wanting to move and hoping this morning, every morning, the nightmare is finally over. But, of course it isn't, my nightmare is my reality.

[WaHaaf99]

Myspace. I remember that so well. I loved the backgrounds and putting music on my profile. I kind of miss MySpace... But at least Facebook is still used.

I feel stressed all the time. It's not fun, obviously. KMB, you said this is the second year approaching, how do you handle certain days... Such as the upcoming holidays? 

[KMB]

12 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

I feel stressed all the time. It's not fun, obviously. KMB, you said this is the second year approaching, how do you handle certain days... Such as the upcoming holidays? 

No, this isn't fun. It is a daily struggle. I find myself tensed up a lot and I have to spend a few quiet moments doing deep breathing to relax.

I don't handle special days, holidays, any better than anyone else. I get through them just like any other day, basically. I didn't celebrate the holidays last year at all. I didn't even send out Christmas cards. I only got 3 cards from others, instead of of the usual couple dozen. That really, really hurt. I had been finding out who the true friends are and that had sunk me even more. I have gotten over that though. I don't need fake friends.

My husband's birthday was in March. He was low key about that day. Didn't want any fuss. But I always made him his favorite steak meal. I did the same this year. I lit a candle, wished him a happy birthday and ate his steak. Our anniversary was in May. I chose that day to take a step out of my comfort zone and went to the closest local restaurant we frequented for breakfast. I have no current plans for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. I'll just go with the flow of it. We never celebrated New Years in any special way. We were working class people. Early to bed and early to rise.

As far as special days, just do whatever you feel like doing. if you want to honor your loved one with the same traditions, go ahead. If you wish to do something different or do nothing at all, that is okay too. Do your grieving your way. That is all that is important.

[KayC]

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html 

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/ 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f?