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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Paluka   
6 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

It is just so tiring as you know. I have no joy or happiness anymore. I have no interest in my work. My mind won't shut off no matter what I am doing. I don't find myself valuable at all.

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

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Patti14   
18 minutes ago, Paluka said:

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

Yeah pretty much same here. I need to make myself exercise to. I guess your right even 10 minutes is a start. I am sorry we all have to go through this.

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24 minutes ago, Paluka said:

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

Very nice and valuable words. We all go thru this process. I am more than an year out but still some or most of the days can't concentrate on work the way I use to. Now crying has reduced and only cry few times a week or so. Exercise does help as it takes away some negativity I suppose. Hang in everyone we don't have option we had to hold each other hand and cross the path.

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KMB   
42 minutes ago, KavitaHubby said:

 Hang in everyone we don't have option we had to hold each other hand and cross the path.

Good words to remember. We are all here for comfort, to uplift and hold each other up.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

It is just so tiring as you know. I have no joy or happiness anymore. I have no interest in my work. My mind won't shut off no matter what I am doing. I don't find myself valuable at all.

Grieving is probably the most overwhelming, exhausting deal we will ever go through.  Our loss stripped us, temporarily, I hope, of our identity, our self esteem, our feelings of value as a human. It is going to take a very long time, a lot of patience, for us to find our way, our value, our individual identity.

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, KMB said:

Grieving is probably the most overwhelming, exhausting deal we will ever go through.  Our loss stripped us, temporarily, I hope, of our identity, our self esteem, our feelings of value as a human. It is going to take a very long time, a lot of patience, for us to find our way, our value, our individual identity.

It hasn't even been a month yet for me and I am so exhausted. 

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Patti14   
2 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

Very nice and valuable words. We all go thru this process. I am more than an year out but still some or most of the days can't concentrate on work the way I use to. Now crying has reduced and only cry few times a week or so. Exercise does help as it takes away some negativity I suppose. Hang in everyone we don't have option we had to hold each other hand and cross the path.

I am not even at a month yet and I am so exhausted. The thought of a year and years is overwhelming 

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

It hasn't even been a month yet for me and I am so exhausted. 

I know you are exhausted. I still am too. But, somehow, our bodies find our inner reserves to keep going. We get into survival mode. It takes a long time to find our strengths and will power to keep moving forward. This is the hardest thing we might be called on to endure. Anything negative that comes into our life later, we'll know we can can get through it, because we are already going through the worst.

It helps not to think of the months or years ahead of you. It is even more overwhelming to worry about what we don't know. We only need to concentrate on the present day. The future will take care of itself and unfold over time. That is why the best advice is one day at a time.

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, KMB said:

I know you are exhausted. I still am too. But, somehow, our bodies find our inner reserves to keep going. We get into survival mode. It takes a long time to find our strengths and will power to keep moving forward. This is the hardest thing we might be called on to endure. Anything negative that comes into our life later, we'll know we can can get through it, because we are already going through the worst.

It helps not to think of the months or years ahead of you. It is even more overwhelming to worry about what we don't know. We only need to concentrate on the present day. The future will take care of itself and unfold over time. That is why the best advice is one day at a time.

Yes it definitely is the hardest thing we will ever go through. I don't know how my body even goes into survival mode but something it does. It is really hard to not think of the future as well. Thank you for the advice.

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Azipod   
17 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am not getting grief counseling yet. I don't even know how to do anything for me. I am on a never ending cycle that I wake up and go through this all day then repeat it every day. I feel so alone and nobody understands.

Hi Patti,

I am not a medical professional.  But for me, I sought psycho-therapy counseling even before the funeral.    Did it help?  I like to think that it did.  I'm still seeing my therapists (notice the plural).   Everything you do will help.  There is no magic pill.  We can't just do one thing and expect results.  However, reach out to anything and everything you can get your hands on and work with all of it to find peace.   

Even the smallest actions you do will help.   For example, you can launch a rocket into the sky only 1-degrees off.  But once you've traveled thousands of miles that 1-degrees variation can bring to a totally different place.   Same goes with grief and healing.   Just start something.   It will help in the long run.

The worst thing for us is to not do anything.  You said you don't know how to do anything.  Yes you do.  Find strength and do something new each day.    It could be as simple as taking a walk around the block, or taking a new path to work, buying a new sandwich for lunch that you would have never gotten before.   Small steps are OK...

I know we all hate to hear it.  But this is our new life.  You might as well start incorporating new activities into it.  Yes, it will be an adjustment but we already knew that when our loved ones left.

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Azipod   
12 hours ago, Paluka said:

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

Paluka.  Look at what you just wrote.  You've been back to work for 2 weeks.   People are saying that you are performing fine.  Your exercise duration has increased from 10 to 30 minutes.  You've managed to slip in a post to pump-up Patti.  No matter how you look at it.... there's no denying that you've made some progress.   Just keep it going.

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Azipod   
11 hours ago, KMB said:

Grieving is probably the most overwhelming, exhausting deal we will ever go through.  Our loss stripped us, temporarily, I hope, of our identity, our self esteem, our feelings of value as a human. It is going to take a very long time, a lot of patience, for us to find our way, our value, our individual identity.

It's probably the hardest I've ever had to work.    Grief is very demanding.  It's unrelenting.  It does not give up.  It's a shadow that follows you wherever you go.  Even though it may not knock you out like a punch, the constant nagging will eventually drag you down.  And it has done that to me many times.

Thank goodness I've been given time-out for the fourth consecutive day.  We'll see what happens tomorrow.

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Azipod   
9 hours ago, Patti14 said:

It hasn't even been a month yet for me and I am so exhausted. 

Are you able to get good sleep?   I finally became exhausted at the end of the 2 month near the 3rd month.   I had to go to bed early on a few nights and crashed just so I could recover my energy.

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Azipod   
6 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Yes it definitely is the hardest thing we will ever go through. I don't know how my body even goes into survival mode but something it does. It is really hard to not think of the future as well. Thank you for the advice.

We are a lot stronger than what we think.  Our strength comes out when we are forced to endure these terrible times.   At times, I can come out strong and powerful (like now).   But once I'm exhausted, or when I am down, then I'm usually down for the count.   I guess I can put up a good fight with the grief monster when I'm in the mood.

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LoveGoli   
4 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Yes it definitely is the hardest thing we will ever go through. I don't know how my body even goes into survival mode but something it does. It is really hard to not think of the future as well. Thank you for the advice.

Yes this is definitely the hardest thing, I never imagined that my body will survive from this trauma but yes I am surviving every single day. I use to tell my husband, if anything happen to you I will die, but here I am alive in my 4th month and it sucks every single day.

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Patti14   
6 hours ago, Azipod said:

Hi Patti,

I am not a medical professional.  But for me, I sought psycho-therapy counseling even before the funeral.    Did it help?  I like to think that it did.  I'm still seeing my therapists (notice the plural).   Everything you do will help.  There is no magic pill.  We can't just do one thing and expect results.  However, reach out to anything and everything you can get your hands on and work with all of it to find peace.   

Even the smallest actions you do will help.   For example, you can launch a rocket into the sky only 1-degrees off.  But once you've traveled thousands of miles that 1-degrees variation can bring to a totally different place.   Same goes with grief and healing.   Just start something.   It will help in the long run.

The worst thing for us is to not do anything.  You said you don't know how to do anything.  Yes you do.  Find strength and do something new each day.    It could be as simple as taking a walk around the block, or taking a new path to work, buying a new sandwich for lunch that you would have never gotten before.   Small steps are OK...

I know we all hate to hear it.  But this is our new life.  You might as well start incorporating new activities into it.  Yes, it will be an adjustment but we already knew that when our loved ones left.

Your right I need to do something. I need to find the right therapist. I have finally have had dreams about him. The first one was painful and I didn't like. He told me he wanted to die in that one. The other two were great dreams. Both of them he came back. I have to accept that he is not coming back even though I feel like he is going to. I have to find a way to go about life a little bit. Yes it is hard to hear that this is our new life. I know it's a reality I just don't want it to be. 

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Patti14   
6 hours ago, Azipod said:

Are you able to get good sleep?   I finally became exhausted at the end of the 2 month near the 3rd month.   I had to go to bed early on a few nights and crashed just so I could recover my energy.

No I haven't been sleeping good at all. 

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Patti14   
6 hours ago, Azipod said:

We are a lot stronger than what we think.  Our strength comes out when we are forced to endure these terrible times.   At times, I can come out strong and powerful (like now).   But once I'm exhausted, or when I am down, then I'm usually down for the count.   I guess I can put up a good fight with the grief monster when I'm in the mood.

I am glad that you have had 4 good days. I hope they continue for you. I guess I'm strong because I'm somehow getting through the days. I just don't feel strong.

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Patti14   
3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Yes this is definitely the hardest thing, I never imagined that my body will survive from this trauma but yes I am surviving every single day. I use to tell my husband, if anything happen to you I will die, but here I am alive in my 4th month and it sucks every single day.

Everyday does suck but somehow we are surviving. I don't know how but we are.

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KayC   
21 hours ago, KMB said:

We are still here. Underneath, we are still a worthy, valuable person. Our beloveds fell in love with that person buried beneath all the pain. We want for them to be proud of picking ourselves up after every stumble and fall, and try to keep plugging away, one day at a time.

Well put! 

 

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KayC   
18 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am not even at a month yet and I am so exhausted. The thought of a year and years is overwhelming 

One day at a time.  If you catch yourself thinking about the rest of your life, stop the thought and remind yourself "One day at a time."

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KayC   
9 hours ago, Azipod said:

Paluka.  Look at what you just wrote.  You've been back to work for 2 weeks.   People are saying that you are performing fine.  Your exercise duration has increased from 10 to 30 minutes.  You've managed to slip in a post to pump-up Patti.  No matter how you look at it.... there's no denying that you've made some progress.   Just keep it going.

So true!  Sometimes our progress is so minute as to seem imperceptible...but then we look back to where we were and it looms out at us, we're making progress.

Congratulate yourself, you’re coping with grief 

Congratulations!

No seriously, congratulations.

You are doing it.  You are surviving.  You are breathing in and out and you are putting one foot in front of the other. In the past, you probably wouldn’t have considered things like these accomplishments, but that was before you began walking around in the darkness with a broken heart and 20 extra pounds of complicated emotion.

Over time, I’ve come to believe that coping with grief is about doing small things and taking tiny steps that shift your wellness gauge towards ‘okay’ bit-by-bit-by-bit. The downside of this is that grief can feel like ongoing and long lasting work, but the upside is that the work can be done in manageable doses and most likely you’re already doing it. So congratulations. You’re doing it. You’re coping with grief. 

I know many of you will want to reject my praise because grief has been known to cause self-doubt false modesty. Many people feel not-good-enough because they compare themselves to their BG-selves (before grief selves) or some other ideal. So if you’re comparing yourself to your BG-self, stop right now.  When you compare yourself to the BG-you or a more-perfect-future-you, you run the risk of overlooking your everyday wins and accomplishments and never noticing how far you’ve come. 

Too often grieving people beat themselves up for not being able to do things like get over it, get it together, keep it together, go back to normal, be strong, be inspiring, grow, grieve the ‘right’ way, and so on. When in reality some of these things are unattainable (i.e. getting over it, going back to normal, grieving in the ‘right’ way) and the rest I’m willing to bet you’re already doing in small ways each and every day.

So at the risk of sounding cheesy, here’s what I want you to do – Take some time to congratulate yourself on the steps you’ve taken in your grief. No matter how bad you feel or how much you think you’re struggling, I guarantee there’s at least one thing you can congratulate yourself for in this moment.

Congratulate yourself for getting out of bed today. I don’t care what time it was when you got up or how long you waited before getting back in bed. You did it.

Congratulate yourself on getting dressed. I don’t care if the only clean thing in your closet today was an old velour track suit from the early 2000’s. Still counts.

Congratulate yourself on doing your school-work, work-work, or housework. So you don’t do windows anymore? Smudged windows have character!

Congratulate yourself for seeking grief support.  I don’t care if all you could bring yourself to do was read this bonkers grief post. It’s the first step.

Congratulate yourself for finding ways to grow, even though I know you’d trade all your growth to have your loved one back.

Do this as a journal exercise:

Congratulating yourself actually makes for a great journaling exercise.  Simply spend some time completing the phrase:

I want to congratulate myself for ___________________________________________

 

from What's Your Grief

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KayC   
2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

No I haven't been sleeping good at all. 

Talk to your doctor about it.  All the help we can get...sleep is an important part of our being able to make it through this.

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Patti14   
32 minutes ago, KayC said:

One day at a time.  If you catch yourself thinking about the rest of your life, stop the thought and remind yourself "One day at a time."

Thank you Kay I appreciate it 

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

We are a lot stronger than what we think.  Our strength comes out when we are forced to endure these terrible times.   At times, I can come out strong and powerful (like now).   But once I'm exhausted, or when I am down, then I'm usually down for the count.   I guess I can put up a good fight with the grief monster when I'm in the mood.

This is really true. It's been 11 weeks since my husband passed on . I noticed that last 2 weeks I was doing ok like trying to get up and do things which I stopped doing , trying to think positive ( which often times very hard) , or just appreciate small things around me but this past weekend I was so miserable. I couldn't stop crying and being angry. It's a roller coaster and I'm tired of it. 

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