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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Paluka   
7 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Another lonely night in my empty bed without the sound of my husband laying next to me. Trying to get some rest but my heart won't stop racing. It's so quiet without him here. I have had a headache for days. 

I have some of Lauri's clothes in the bed with me. They still smell like her. I try to fall asleep talking to her and picturing her smiling at me. I may still wake up crying or screaming but I do my best. 

I know it's hard. Deep breaths. 

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KayC   

Yesterday was the last time my group met before the winter weather comes...we agreed to break until Spring because most are older and driving in snow/ice can be a problem.  God gave me the perfect article to read and discuss with them, and as I looked around my group, I realized they are doing so much better than they were when they started coming.  We've forged friendships as well.  We went out to lunch together afterwards and it was very enjoyable.  I'm already looking for ways to connect with them during this break. 

I really hope you find the right group for you.  I feel as KMB does, that the smaller groups can be more intimate.

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KayC   
13 hours ago, KMB said:

i just picture my husband had to go on a long journey without me and that he is up ahead, around a very long curve and someday I will catch up to him.

That's kind of how I look at it too.  

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Patti14   
8 hours ago, Paluka said:

I have some of Lauri's clothes in the bed with me. They still smell like her. I try to fall asleep talking to her and picturing her smiling at me. I may still wake up crying or screaming but I do my best. 

I know it's hard. Deep breaths. 

I have some of my Greg's clothes in the bed with me to. I try to act like he is with me of course it doesn't work. The little that I did sleep last night I just wake up to realize the painful truth. I just can't accept it.

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Patti14   
55 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yesterday was the last time my group met before the winter weather comes...we agreed to break until Spring because most are older and driving in snow/ice can be a problem.  God gave me the perfect article to read and discuss with them, and as I looked around my group, I realized they are doing so much better than they were when they started coming.  We've forged friendships as well.  We went out to lunch together afterwards and it was very enjoyable.  I'm already looking for ways to connect with them during this break. 

I really hope you find the right group for you.  I feel as KMB does, that the smaller groups can be more intimate.

I am glad the group has helped you guys. I hope you can stay in touch over the break. 

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Patti14   

Another morning and my husband is not here. This is my new reality and it is dark and painful. I need him so bad and it's something I am never going to get. I am trapped in this neverending cycle of hell.

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Paluka   
26 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I have some of my Greg's clothes in the bed with me to. I try to act like he is with me of course it doesn't work. The little that I did sleep last night I just wake up to realize the painful truth. I just can't accept it.

I hate it too and can't accept it. No matter how hard I try to do things, pray, meditate, talk to her; it all is crushed because I miss her so much. 

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KMB   

Patti,  I wish I could say something to help you feel calmer. But, I know there isn't anything. We've been through those beginning weeks, feeling just like you. You are going to have bad days and really, really bad days. The only thing you can do is ride it out the best you can. Maybe you can do what I did, when it felt like I was going to explode from the pain. I went out in the woods and screamed. I screamed and I cried till I was exhausted. I did this a few different times over the beginning months. The emotions and that raw pain need a release valve. :wub:

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Azipod   
14 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Another lonely night in my empty bed without the sound of my husband laying next to me. Trying to get some rest but my heart won't stop racing. It's so quiet without him here. I have had a headache for days. 

I know how you feel, Patti.   I saw your post last night when I hopped into bed too.  I just didn't have the energy to respond to any posts last night.

It's really an awful experience...  anyway you look at it.  Everything in our life is bad.  When our partner left, they took a piece of us with them. A part of us died too.

Do you live alone?  

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Patti14   
2 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel, Patti.   I saw your post last night when I hopped into bed too.  I just didn't have the energy to respond to any posts last night.

It's really an awful experience...  anyway you look at it.  Everything in our life is bad.  When our partner left, they took a piece of us with them. A part of us died too.

Do you live alone?  

It is an awful experience and I am tired of going through it. They definitely took a piece of us with them. The happy piece. I live with our daughter who we have legal guardianship of. We aren't her biological parents but she us our daughter. She is 16 will be 17 in December. Also my sister and brother in law were renting a room from us so they live there to. It feels like I live alone though.

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Azipod   
5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Another morning and my husband is not here. This is my new reality and it is dark and painful. I need him so bad and it's something I am never going to get. I am trapped in this neverending cycle of hell.

Yes. It's going to be like this for a very long time.  I'm having trouble with this every morning myself.

I realize that while I'm trying to be solution oriented, I am still doing too much thinking and trying to solve this problem with my brain.   With grief, you cannot use your brain.  They say we have to solve this problem with our heart.   As for how?  I'm not there yet as I have no clue to what and how to feel.   But the brain can't help us with this one, it's only going to hurt us.  We need to work our hearts.  However and whichever way I don't know right now.

 

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Patti14   
1 minute ago, Azipod said:

Yes. It's going to be like this for a very long time.  I'm having trouble with this every morning myself.

I realize that while I'm trying to be solution oriented, I am still doing too much thinking and trying to solve this problem with my brain.   With grief, you cannot use your brain.  They say we have to solve this problem with our heart.   As for how?  I'm not there yet as I have no clue to what and how to feel.   But the brain can't help us with this one, it's only going to hurt us.  We need to work our hearts.  However and whichever way I don't know right now.

 

Yes so true but my brain won't shut off. My brain and heart miss him so much and cannot believe he is never coming back.

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Azipod   
6 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Yes so true but my brain won't shut off. My brain and heart miss him so much and cannot believe he is never coming back.

I understand.  You're still very early in your process.  In a lot of ways, so am I.    

Last night in my grief support group, we discussed about being active and to pursue physical movement.  Activities help us release our endorphins which can help us with the grief pain. Obviously, exercising is one way.  It is not a "fix all" solution because it's only temporary relief.    I do believe it has helped for me.   My wife and I always wanted to bike in our community but we never got around to buying each of ourselves our own bicycle.   When she left, I did just that.   I do have to admit that it''s probably one of the feel things that I can enjoy at this stage of my grief.   I do enjoy riding my bike though at times, I still do cry because i see how beautiful our community is while riding, and I wished that we had did it together -- another missed opportunity.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to try being active.  If you are feeling down, just go out and move. Go for a walk.   You're still going to feel like sh*t. But at least, you're not sitting still letting the grief consume you.   Try exercising.     Also, try meditation or something that can allow yourself to "escape" the grief -- it's better to join a class to do these activities, that way you can focus while working with others.

Our "old life" with our loved one is gone.   We have a new life.  What your new life is and how it looks we don't know.  You have to go out and explore and see what moves you.  You have to create a new life for yourself.   It is the first stage in rebuilding your life.    Like I said earlier,  we are all very new to this, we are in our infancy stage.    These are just ideas.  But it's something to keep your eyes open and something to think about.

I know this is a tough process and there is no easy way out of it.  Bottom line is that we're all going thorugh our grief journey alone.    We are able to share our stories because perhaps we are on parallel roads and we can shout to each other for support.  At the end of the day, we're still going down this grief road alone.

 

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KMB   
6 hours ago, KayC said:

as I looked around my group, I realized they are doing so much better than they were when they started coming.  We've forged friendships as well.  We went out to lunch together afterwards and it was very enjoyable.  I'm already looking for ways to connect with them

You have been doing a remarkable, generous act of love and compassion for others. You started your own support group and you are here for us too .God has been guiding you on the path He must have intended for you to take.

I have been reading posts, and I'm sorry that your daughter's current path has been painful. It would be the greatest thing if her husband turned his life around and realized that true love is hard to come by and he has it with your daughter.

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I understand.  You're still very early in your process.  In a lot of ways, so am I.    

Last night in my grief support group, we discussed about being active and to pursue physical movement.  Activities help us release our endorphins which can help us with the grief pain. Obviously, exercising is one way.  It is not a "fix all" solution because it's only temporary relief.    I do believe it has helped for me.   My wife and I always wanted to bike in our community but we never got around to buying each of ourselves our own bicycle.   When she left, I did just that.   I do have to admit that it''s probably one of the feel things that I can enjoy at this stage of my grief.   I do enjoy riding my bike though at times, I still do cry because i see how beautiful our community is while riding, and I wished that we had did it together -- another missed opportunity.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to try being active.  If you are feeling down, just go out and move. Go for a walk.   You're still going to feel like sh*t. But at least, you're not sitting still letting the grief consume you.   Try exercising.     Also, try meditation or something that can allow yourself to "escape" the grief -- it's better to join a class to do these activities, that way you can focus while working with others.

Our "old life" with our loved one is gone.   We have a new life.  What your new life is and how it looks we don't know.  You have to go out and explore and see what moves you.  You have to create a new life for yourself.   It is the first stage in rebuilding your life.    Like I said earlier,  we are all very new to this, we are in our infancy stage.    These are just ideas.  But it's something to keep your eyes open and something to think about.

I know this is a tough process and there is no easy way out of it.  Bottom line is that we're all going thorugh our grief journey alone.    We are able to share our stories because perhaps we are on parallel roads and we can shout to each other for support.  At the end of the day, we're still going down this grief road alone.

 

In my first weeks I barely ate. Now the last couple of days I just want to keep eating. I do need to be more active. I just have a hard time because I think he should be here to be doing it all with me  I hate the idea of having a new life. We are definitely going through it alone. I keep trying to think he is coming back but the reality of it is he is not. I hate this reality. I was happy now I'm miserable. I just saw someone from his work post they are having a carnival at his work for their employees and families. He should be a part of it and it breaks my heart that he is not. He would have loved that because he was a fun guy and so full of life. I am so angry today.

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Azipod   
12 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

In my first weeks I barely ate. Now the last couple of days I just want to keep eating. I do need to be more active. I just have a hard time because I think he should be here to be doing it all with me  I hate the idea of having a new life. We are definitely going through it alone. I keep trying to think he is coming back but the reality of it is he is not. I hate this reality. I was happy now I'm miserable. I just saw someone from his work post they are having a carnival at his work for their employees and families. He should be a part of it and it breaks my heart that he is not. He would have loved that because he was a fun guy and so full of life. I am so angry today.

I know.  There is nothing good that comes out of this.   All we can do is come here for support/advice while sharing our insights with others. 

It's a tough life. I wish there was an eject button.

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KMB   
5 hours ago, Azipod said:

I wish there was an eject button.

Wouldn't that be great! My husband was in the Air Force. He told me about the seat ejectors in the planes for making a quick exit in case of emergency. We could hit the seat eject and it would shoot us up to Heaven. Problem solved! If only---------

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Patti14   
29 minutes ago, KMB said:

Wouldn't that be great! My husband was in the Air Force. He told me about the seat ejectors in the planes for making a quick exit in case of emergency. We could hit the seat eject and it would shoot us up to Heaven. Problem solved! If only---------

That is the greatest idea I have heard yet. To bad we could not figure out how to make that happen.

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KayC   
21 hours ago, KMB said:

Patti,  I wish I could say something to help you feel calmer. But, I know there isn't anything. We've been through those beginning weeks, feeling just like you. You are going to have bad days and really, really bad days. The only thing you can do is ride it out the best you can. Maybe you can do what I did, when it felt like I was going to explode from the pain. I went out in the woods and screamed. I screamed and I cried till I was exhausted. I did this a few different times over the beginning months. The emotions and that raw pain need a release valve. :wub:

I did that too, KMB, I'm sure I scared some wild animals away!

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KayC   
18 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I do need to be more active. I just have a hard time because I think he should be here to be doing it all with me 

Try to do it for you.  The person that valued you most is gone but I hope you can realize your own worth to make effort for yourself.  I know how hard that is and you may not be there yet.  Are you getting grief counseling?  It helps to have someone walk you through this, it's so hard to muddle through it alone.  Regardless, we're all here, we've been through it, and we're listening.

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Patti14   
On 10/13/2017 at 9:56 AM, KayC said:

Try to do it for you.  The person that valued you most is gone but I hope you can realize your own worth to make effort for yourself.  I know how hard that is and you may not be there yet.  Are you getting grief counseling?  It helps to have someone walk you through this, it's so hard to muddle through it alone.  Regardless, we're all here, we've been through it, and we're listening.

I am not getting grief counseling yet. I don't even know how to do anything for me. I am on a never ending cycle that I wake up and go through this all day then repeat it every day. I feel so alone and nobody understands.

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KayC   

You don't know how to do anything for you?  Try starting in baby steps, like fix something healthy for you to eat.  That takes effort especially when we're not hungry and could care less about anything.  To recognize your need and fill it is to do something good for yourself.  Or maybe go for a walk.  It helps elevate our mood and lord knows we could use some of that.

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Patti14   
44 minutes ago, KayC said:

You don't know how to do anything for you?  Try starting in baby steps, like fix something healthy for you to eat.  That takes effort especially when we're not hungry and could care less about anything.  To recognize your need and fill it is to do something good for yourself.  Or maybe go for a walk.  It helps elevate our mood and lord knows we could use some of that.

Thank you. I will try.

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KMB   

Keep trying, Patti! Like KayC said, baby steps. That is how I had to start out. In the beginning, letting the dog in and out and feeding him and the cat were about all I could manage. I had no appetite, but whenever I did venture out to the grocery store, I would buy bananas and the 6 paks of Boost. Eventually, I started buying pre-made deli foods or the microwaveable stuff.  I just couldn't see cooking for one when I had spent years doing it for two.Getting outside helped me a lot. I had chores to focus on and going for walks helped in clearing my mind and keeping me grounded and somewhat sane. It takes a lot of effort, Patti, to have the will power to take care of ourselves. We figure what is the point? Our loved one isn't here, so who cares? But, we do start caring after awhile. We are still here. Underneath, we are still a worthy, valuable person. Our beloveds fell in love with that person buried beneath all the pain. We want for them to be proud of picking ourselves up after every stumble and fall, and try to keep plugging away, one day at a time.

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Patti14   
11 minutes ago, KMB said:

Keep trying, Patti! Like KayC said, baby steps. That is how I had to start out. In the beginning, letting the dog in and out and feeding him and the cat were about all I could manage. I had no appetite, but whenever I did venture out to the grocery store, I would buy bananas and the 6 paks of Boost. Eventually, I started buying pre-made deli foods or the microwaveable stuff.  I just couldn't see cooking for one when I had spent years doing it for two.Getting outside helped me a lot. I had chores to focus on and going for walks helped in clearing my mind and keeping me grounded and somewhat sane. It takes a lot of effort, Patti, to have the will power to take care of ourselves. We figure what is the point? Our loved one isn't here, so who cares? But, we do start caring after awhile. We are still here. Underneath, we are still a worthy, valuable person. Our beloveds fell in love with that person buried beneath all the pain. We want for them to be proud of picking ourselves up after every stumble and fall, and try to keep plugging away, one day at a time.

It is just so tiring as you know. I have no joy or happiness anymore. I have no interest in my work. My mind won't shut off no matter what I am doing. I don't find myself valuable at all.

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