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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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KayC   
On 10/10/2017 at 9:04 AM, Azipod said:

I made a shadow box last night in my Art Therapy class.   It expresses these feelings exactly...

IMG_5147.thumb.jpg.faaa11b1d2ce197f2ead07b1e7e54872.jpg

I found aet therapy to be a very authentic way to express yourself, it really help me identify my feelings and goals.

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KayC   
19 hours ago, Patti14 said:
20 hours ago, KMB said:

I know it is. Be kind and patient with yourself. Our loss is such a traumatic experience and it takes a very long time to process and adapt:wub:

Thank you. I am having a hard time being nice to myself right now.

It's so important.  We've lost the one person in the world who would take care of us...now it's up to us to do it.  Treat yourself like a best friend...it's going to be important to learn to BE your best friend, for your survival.  Remember that you are valuable and deserving.  Our loss doesn't define us, our love does and that still exists.

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KayC   
19 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Yes it does make sense. I just don't see how it is possible to create a new life without him.

It's too soon for you. Right now it is taking everything within you to try and process this...it took me a good three years to process it.  Years more perhaps you can create a life you can live.  Realistically, it's nothing like our old lives, that is gone.  But something you can do.  Comparisons do not help.

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KayC   
15 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Screw the holidays. That's how I feel.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through. Everyone will be with their loved ones. For me, no one will be here.  It's going to be bad.

And it's okay to skip it, people should understand.  My husband died on Father's day.  I made it through 4th of July, Labor Day (a big day in our family), my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's day...and when I got to Easter I major rebelled.  I couldn't do it!  I talked to my kids about how I felt and they were totally understanding.  I didn't go to church, I treated it like any other day.  I had my kids up for a nice dinner a week later and none of us brought up Easter.  

People just need to understand, but even if they don't it's okay to put your feelings first and handle the day in however way you deem best.

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KayC   
32 minutes ago, KMB said:

I hate it too. We grow up being taught everything else. But, no one teaches us about death and how to cope. No one talks about it. Death is still a taboo subject in society.

That's so true.  It leaves us ill prepared for it when it comes.  Come it will, we just don't know when.

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Azipod   
6 minutes ago, KayC said:

Realistically, it's nothing like our old lives, that is gone.  But something you can do.  Comparisons do not help.

I know this is true.  I'm being told that by the facilitator in my support group.... now I'm hearing you confirming it too, KayC.

The thought about my "old life" being gone is so scary.  It is.  My wife and I just started our life together.  Things were just getting getting into place and we were comfortably settling down.  Now, that is gone.  It's hard to accept, but I know it's true.

I cannot imagine what my new life would looks like.  I know it's too early for me to see.  But the thought about it is so so scary.

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KayC   

I know, it makes me cry for all of you because I know the reality all too well.  I only know that in the 12 years since, nothing about my life is the same, it's been brought home to me more and more the years go by and I encounter things I have to now go through by myself.

It seems the only ones that avoid this is the ones that remarry happily.  I have a friend who did that.  I'm very glad for her, but I don't expect to ever meet anyone in the same ballpark as my George, he was just so perfect for me.  We were perfect together.  Sigh...

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KMB   
3 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I cannot imagine what my new life would looks like.  I know it's too early for me to see.  But the thought about it is so so scary.

It IS scary. It is so unknown. I'm going into my 2nd year and I still don't have a clue. I'm still in survivor mode. Maybe I always will be. I just don't know.

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I had a bad night as well.   I recall waking up in the middle of the night because of it.   Feels so unfortunate to no longer have my wife at bedside to give me the comfort that things will be OK.  But instead, I'm in a dark house all alone, all by myself.    This new life is sad and terrible.   At the present moment, I'm so sad that I can't even think about my wife no longer being here.  I don't want to think about it.

I know what you mean it's a constant sadness and so painful. You don't want to think about it anymore but your mind won't let you stop.

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's too soon for you. Right now it is taking everything within you to try and process this...it took me a good three years to process it.  Years more perhaps you can create a life you can live.  Realistically, it's nothing like our old lives, that is gone.  But something you can do.  Comparisons do not help.

I can't even imagine years without him trying to process this. I know my life will never be the same. I keep thinking there has to be a way to bring him back and see him again. I know there's not and that is to hard to accept.

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's so important.  We've lost the one person in the world who would take care of us...now it's up to us to do it.  Treat yourself like a best friend...it's going to be important to learn to BE your best friend, for your survival.  Remember that you are valuable and deserving.  Our loss doesn't define us, our love does and that still exists.

I can't help but feel guilty for everything I do without him. I can't watch TV shows we watched together, I can't eat food he liked. I want him to be a part of it all. 

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, KMB said:

It IS scary. It is so unknown. I'm going into my 2nd year and I still don't have a clue. I'm still in survivor mode. Maybe I always will be. I just don't know.

It is very scary

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Azipod   
20 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I can't help but feel guilty for everything I do without him. I can't watch TV shows we watched together, I can't eat food he liked. I want him to be a part of it all. 

Hi Patti.  Are there any grief-support groups in your area to join?  Also, you should consider counseling too.   Those have helped me greatly in processing my grief.

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Patti14   
45 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Hi Patti.  Are there any grief-support groups in your area to join?  Also, you should consider counseling too.   Those have helped me greatly in processing my grief.

I went to a grief share group last night at a church. It was small only 3 other people besides the people who ran it. It seemed to help a little for a second while I was there. Nobody in that group had lost a spouse though. I need to find a bigger group to go to but I am not having any luck. I went to a counselor once a week after it happened. He had been our family counselor when we needed counseling for the daughter we have legal guardianship of. It was to hard because we always went together. He was the one who did most of the talking and joking. It was a fun experience with him. We learned a lot for all of us there. So it was to painful without him.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

I can't help but feel guilty for everything I do without him. I can't watch TV shows we watched together, I can't eat food he liked. I want him to be a part of it all. 

I had a hard time with this as well. I still do, depending on what it is. Like KayC said, carry your husband with you. He IS still with you, even though you cannot see or hear him. It took me months before I could watch our usual tv programs, but now I imagine him still here, because I know he is, and watching tv with me. Same goes with eating or anything else.  It is not as easy as it sounds, I know. But, it does help with coping, just a little.

You know your husband better than anyone. He wouldn't wish for you to stop living, eating, anything, just because he is not physically here. 

i just picture my husband had to go on a long journey without me and that he is up ahead, around a very long curve and someday I will catch up to him.

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KMB   
10 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I need to find a bigger group to go to but I am not having any luck.

I lucked out with contacting a local hospice office. You might want to inquire with hospitals, hospices, palliative care or even nursing homes. Somebody should have more info for you.

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Patti14   
6 minutes ago, KMB said:

I had a hard time with this as well. I still do, depending on what it is. Like KayC said, carry your husband with you. He IS still with you, even though you cannot see or hear him. It took me months before I could watch our usual tv programs, but now I imagine him still here, because I know he is, and watching tv with me. Same goes with eating or anything else.  It is not as easy as it sounds, I know. But, it does help with coping, just a little.

You know your husband better than anyone. He wouldn't wish for you to stop living, eating, anything, just because he is not physically here. 

i just picture my husband had to go on a long journey without me and that he is up ahead, around a very long curve and someday I will catch up to him.

Thank you I hope I can look at it that way some day. I know our love is still there. I just don't feel him there. I have 2 voicemails from him I have been listening to off and on all day. I still can't believe he is really not coming back.

 

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Patti14   
4 minutes ago, KMB said:

I lucked out with contacting a local hospice office. You might want to inquire with hospitals, hospices, palliative care or even nursing homes. Somebody should have more info for you.

I looked on the Hospice website and I couldn't find anything for all widows. It looked like they had one for men and one for the loss of a child. I guess I need to call them.

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KMB   

Patti,   I hope you find a support group. I only had access to the one. 3 men there who lost their wives. Two were recent, like mine, and the other had a loss 3 years prior and actually related to my husband way down the line somewhere. He lost his wife to cancer and was still finding it hard in adjusting to living alone .One other woman who had lost an aunt. I went for 4 months and for myself, I preferred the small group.

Support groups for specific type of loss is hard to find. Maybe the bigger cities have those resources. I had to factor in driving time since I live in the middle of no where and I'm not  a fan with night driving anymore either.

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Patti14   
4 minutes ago, KMB said:

Patti,   I hope you find a support group. I only had access to the one. 3 men there who lost their wives. Two were recent, like mine, and the other had a loss 3 years prior and actually related to my husband way down the line somewhere. He lost his wife to cancer and was still finding it hard in adjusting to living alone .One other woman who had lost an aunt. I went for 4 months and for myself, I preferred the small group.

Support groups for specific type of loss is hard to find. Maybe the bigger cities have those resources. I had to factor in driving time since I live in the middle of no where and I'm not  a fan with night driving anymore either.

This is a pretty big area I am just having trouble finding some support groups. 

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KMB   
2 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I am just having trouble finding some support groups. 

Keep searching and hopefully you will luck out.  This forum and your grief family here are better than nothing. You have us!:wub:

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Patti14   
36 minutes ago, KMB said:

Keep searching and hopefully you will luck out.  This forum and your grief family here are better than nothing. You have us!:wub:

Thank you I appreciate that. Coming on this forum helps me get through the day a little bit.

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KMB   
24 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Coming on this forum helps me get through the day a little bit.

It has become my life line here. It is a support group.  One we can come to anytime.  We can't sit next to each other, face to face. We can't hug or reach out for your hand. But, we are still here, and we can send virtual hugs!

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Patti14   
26 minutes ago, KMB said:

It has become my life line here. It is a support group.  One we can come to anytime.  We can't sit next to each other, face to face. We can't hug or reach out for your hand. But, we are still here, and we can send virtual hugs!

Yes and I find myself coming here multiple times throughout the day.

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Patti14   

Another lonely night in my empty bed without the sound of my husband laying next to me. Trying to get some rest but my heart won't stop racing. It's so quiet without him here. I have had a headache for days. 

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