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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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Azipod   
5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Hi Azipod, I just read your this post today.

Thanks for caring, I am ok and doing fine. I made few friends on this forum and they are helping me in this horrible journey , we chat almost daily that's why I was just away for few days.

Your post really means a lot, hope you are doing ok too.

Lots of hugs for you from me and my Goli.

Hello there.  Glad to see that you are back and OK.   Take care of yourself and come back soon.

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KMB   

Patti, You have us here to help hold you up. I haven't been on my own for many years either. It can be scary and the loss of my husband upset my sense of comfort and security.  You know this for yourself as well. It takes a long time to adjust and figure things out for ourselves. It does get less difficult over time, but I don't think that feeling of loneliness for our loved one ever goes away.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:
19 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

 

I know how you feel I can't stop crying tonight either. It was a really bad night for me. I am tired of all this pain to. My heart won't stop racing. 

This is like crashing you and your spirit over and over again. It's  never ending. Sometimes I don't want to try to move forward anymore because Everytime I think I'm ok suddenly the floodgates will open and next thing I'm doing again is balling my eyes out when I least expect it. And no matter how hard I cry and scream and beg I know my husband will not come home anymore. 

By the way it's Friday today, another sad and and lonely weekend. 

Hugs to you Patti.

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On 10/18/2017 at 2:53 PM, KavitaHubby said:

Find someone you can talk to you. Your friend relative anyone. I started talking to my MIL and it was so good as we

There's nobody among our friends that I can talk to about my husband. It seems like they don't want to talk and don't feel comfortable about his passing Its seems like nothing happened . They just talk normal stuff and everyday life. That's why I don't call them ,ignore their calls or even engage in long conversations. My mom is the only person I can talk to about my Alex but she's in a different country and different time zone. I can't always call her when I want to.I guess you're really on your own when dealing with grief. 

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Patti14.  I went through the exact same feelings you have during the past months.  It is sad.  Your body aches, your mind is going wild, and life feels frozen while the rest of the world has moved on.   In the past, I wake up each day knowing that I am waking up in hell.  I shake my head and cry as soon as I get out of bed.    You are correct.  Our partners/spouses were our anchor.  They were our support.  We always leaned on them because we knew that if there was one person who would accept us, it woudl be them.  We felt invincible when we were with them.  We knew that as bad as anything gets, we can always fall back on them and they would accept us.   Now, we are totally devastated because they are no longer here.

It's just me and my single income as well.  Once we get over this grief, it's going to be time to start rebuilding our life.... but don't even think about that now.  Just take care of yourself and take it one moment at a time.   There is no better time than to just be selfish now, thinking about yourself, and love yourself.  That's all you can do.  We all need it.

Yes life feels frozen for me as everyone else is moving around me. I am stuck in this hell. I cry all the time. I felt completely safe and comfortable with my spouse. He loved me for me including all my flaws. He never judged me. I am having a hard time loving myself or being about me because the one thing I want in this world I can't have.

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

I know how you feel, Maria. Even after a little over a year, I still have trouble sleeping, still have the occasional panic attacks and carry a heavy load of sadness in my heart. I miss my husband so much and all I want is to be with him. I hate this separation and there are days I feel it is going to drive me insane. Nobody teaches us about death and grieving and how it really is. We have to learn the hard way and I know there is no easy way about this.

I don't even know if I'm going to make it for another day or week. How do you guys do it? Somehow you're surviving this terrible pain and longing. Such very strong spirits. I guess for me it's easier said than done. I always tell myself that I can do it or I'll try again but every time I'm feeling down I don't want to get up again.:(

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Azipod   
52 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Yes life feels frozen for me as everyone else is moving around me. I am stuck in this hell. I cry all the time. I felt completely safe and comfortable with my spouse. He loved me for me including all my flaws. He never judged me. I am having a hard time loving myself or being about me because the one thing I want in this world I can't have.

Patti14, I totally understand you.  I know it's meaningless for you to hear this from me at this point, but there is truth that with time, the pain will ease and you will feel different.  I also understand that the only focus and desire right now is to have your love one back. We all wish for that.    In time, you you will want to consider viewing grief as an experience and not focus on what you can't have.  Grief needs to be faced.  The grief journey needs to be walked.  It needs to be experienced.   Don't look at grief as a problem.   Grief is a life experience.   As soon as you can get into this mindset with that, you will be on the road to recovery.     Take your time.  Everyone needs to experience grief in their own way and pace.

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, Maria0419 said:

There's nobody among our friends that I can talk to about my husband. It seems like they don't want to talk and don't feel comfortable about his passing Its seems like nothing happened . They just talk normal stuff and everyday life. That's why I don't call them ,ignore their calls or even engage in long conversations. My mom is the only person I can talk to about my Alex but she's in a different country and different time zone. I can't always call her when I want to.I guess you're really on your own when dealing with grief. 

Same here.  Aside from therapists, the only person that I could turn to is my own mother.   It's true that the average person out there cannot understand what we go through.  Even within your own family, people grieve differently and they may not wish to talk.  Either way, it's highly probable that they don't understand you.   For myself, I thought that I could lean on my in-laws for support when I lost my wife.  I didn't get that.  It was a cultural issue and they did not grieve with expression like me.  They grief in silience without discussion.    I eventually leaned on my mother.   I don't believe my mom truly understands how I feel, but she allowed me to talk and express myself.   The support in itself, was very helpful.    I would encourage you to keep talking to your mom.  Make the time and make the arrangements.    No one can "fix" this problem.  But the right person can provide you the support and hear you out.

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, Maria0419 said:

I don't even know if I'm going to make it for another day or week. How do you guys do it? Somehow you're surviving this terrible pain and longing. Such very strong spirits. I guess for me it's easier said than done. I always tell myself that I can do it or I'll try again but every time I'm feeling down I don't want to get up again.:(

You are much stronger than you think.  Doing this isn't easy.  However, we don't have a choice.   You're almost at 3-months.  You've made it this far already.   Know that it is possible.  It just takes a lot of work and pain.   I know it doesn't sound refreshing but it is very possible.

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Patti14   
5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Patti14, I totally understand you.  I know it's meaningless for you to hear this from me at this point, but there is truth that with time, the pain will ease and you will feel different.  I also understand that the only focus and desire right now is to have your love one back. We all wish for that.    In time, you you will want to consider viewing grief as an experience and not focus on what you can't have.  Grief needs to be faced.  The grief journey needs to be walked.  It needs to be experienced.   Don't look at grief as a problem.   Grief is a life experience.   As soon as you can get into this mindset with that, you will be on the road to recovery.     Take your time.  Everyone needs to experience grief in their own way and pace.

Thank you. I do know that we all wish for this. I hope the pain does ease. It's a sad thing that the grief journey must be faced. I hop one day I do recover.

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Patti14   

I had a rough day today I had to sign up for my benefits at work. It was horrible having to put widowed for my marital status. It also sucked not being able to put him as my beneficiary.

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Azipod   
14 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I had a rough day today I had to sign up for my benefits at work. It was horrible having to put widowed for my marital status. It also sucked not being able to put him as my beneficiary.

Yup. Those things can be tear-jerkers.     Or you may run into a form that only has Married or Single.   Well, I'm still married in my mind .......   Then yes, there's the beneficiary..... now you'll have to list someone new.    I had to re-do my benefits earlier this year because I was getting everything through my wife's employers and it only carried over to the end of the month.

Another few to be prepared for: Emergency contact when filling out forms at a medical office, Cancelling loved one's cell phone service, or just simply unaware people asking: "Are you married?"

I'm so glad you are allowing yourself to feel this grief (I know you don't really have a choice), recognizing it, and working with it.    You being here also helps some of us who are slightly ahead, to confirm that what we've gone through, as well as our feelings, are all normal.

Thank you for helping us with our recovery too.

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53 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I had a rough day today I had to sign up for my benefits at work. It was horrible having to put widowed for my marital status. It also sucked not being able to put him as my beneficiary.

I already did some of that too and everytime they asked me his Death certificate I just cry. I didn't want to handle doing the rest because it's too much for me . I guess some of those  things can wait. 

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

You are much stronger than you think.  Doing this isn't easy.  However, we don't have a choice.   You're almost at 3-months.  You've made it this far already.   Know that it is possible.  It just takes a lot of work and pain.   I know it doesn't sound refreshing but it is very possible.

Thanks Azipod for these encouraging words. It's very uplifting. Somehow I can see a little hope . 

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KMB   
47 minutes ago, Maria0419 said:

I didn't want to handle doing the rest because it's too much for me . I guess some of those  things can wait. 

Yes, those minor issues can wait, like cell phone service ( unless it is a financial concern, like mine was),  joint accounts, etc. Only the most important things need to be dealt with in the beginning. I cried my way through those early major changes. I hated seeing my husband's name obliterated, like he didn't exist. Even though it has been over a year, I still have a few things in joint yet. I don't care. There is only so much we can handle emotionally and we need to take breaks and recharge for awhile.

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I had a rough day today I had to sign up for my benefits at work. It was horrible having to put widowed for my marital status. It also sucked not being able to put him as my beneficiary

Sorry you had a rough day, Patti. Having to make those changes rips your insides apart. When it comes to marital status on forms, I've drawn a line through widow and write bereaved. I hate the term widow and in my heart I am still married.

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Patti14   
2 hours ago, Azipod said:

Yup. Those things can be tear-jerkers.     Or you may run into a form that only has Married or Single.   Well, I'm still married in my mind .......   Then yes, there's the beneficiary..... now you'll have to list someone new.    I had to re-do my benefits earlier this year because I was getting everything through my wife's employers and it only carried over to the end of the month.

Another few to be prepared for: Emergency contact when filling out forms at a medical office, Cancelling loved one's cell phone service, or just simply unaware people asking: "Are you married?"

I'm so glad you are allowing yourself to feel this grief (I know you don't really have a choice), recognizing it, and working with it.    You being here also helps some of us who are slightly ahead, to confirm that what we've gone through, as well as our feelings, are all normal.

Thank you for helping us with our recovery too.

I didn't think about forms at the doctor's office. Yeah I have not cancelled his cellphone service yet. Our bill was due after he passed away and I still paid the bill for both of us. I still text him everyday actually multiple times a day. Of course no response back. I have not notified the bank yet either. We still have a joint account. Actually all the bills are still in his name to. I am glad I am able to help people in their recovery to. I know you guys help me some. As much as I can be helped right now.

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Patti14   
1 hour ago, Maria0419 said:

I already did some of that too and everytime they asked me his Death certificate I just cry. I didn't want to handle doing the rest because it's too much for me . I guess some of those  things can wait. 

I have waited on everything except for the benefits I just had to do which was so hard. I guess we will do those things when we are ready. I still paid my husband's cell phone bill because I can not stand the idea of turning it off. I still text him everyday. I'm still waiting for a response of course it will never come.

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Patti14   
42 minutes ago, KMB said:

Sorry you had a rough day, Patti. Having to make those changes rips your insides apart. When it comes to marital status on forms, I've drawn a line through widow and write bereaved. I hate the term widow and in my heart I am still married.

Exactly in my heart I am still married to. Why do you have to put widow. If you were married when they passed away you should still be able to put married.

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I so understand. I am so alone.  I didn't lose my husband for I know where he is and he is in heaven entered 9,,29,,17.  Nothing seems to help. I have tried staying busy and trying to go back to work. No help

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Patti14   
3 hours ago, Sadtweety said:

I so understand. I am so alone.  I didn't lose my husband for I know where he is and he is in heaven entered 9,,29,,17.  Nothing seems to help. I have tried staying busy and trying to go back to work. No help

I lost my husband on 09/23/17 and nothing has helped me yet either. I have gone back to work to. I am just miserable there to. I have a hard time focusing because he is all I think about. I am so alone to.

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I just got my benefit selection in the mail yesterday and it still has his name on it but next to it says No Coverage Not Enrolled. It is so hard to look at that paper. I am sitting here crying just thinking about it. I haven't even thought about beneficiary yet. Both of my kids are minors, so I don't even know how to go from there. Every time I try to stay busy I find something of his or something he was doing and I just cant do anything after that. I can't wait to go back to work, I have been off since he left me. I know it will still be hard there but at least I won't be home where I know he passed away at. It is so hard to be in our home anymore but I can't leave it. Its hard to be here but even if I could buy another home, I don't know that I would want to cause this was our home. I keep asking God to give me strength but it just hasn't happened yet.

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KayC   
On 10/20/2017 at 0:09 PM, KMB said:

It does get less difficult over time, but I don't think that feeling of loneliness for our loved one ever goes away.

I have gotten used to living alone for the most part but I miss him in the most intense way whenever something happens and I feel the need for him, which can be quite often.  Not sure I'd call it loneliness but just missing him.  I will always love him.

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KMB   

Lostwithoutmyhusband,   I know your pain and what you are going through. I lost my husband suddenly last year at home here and I still feel lost without him.  I am deeply sorry for your loss. The pain is unrelenting and trying to continue on is the hardest thing to do.I understand your conflict with wanting or not wanting to stay in your home. I chose to stay because my husband loved his family home. We lived and loved here and it has become my sanctuary with all of its beautiful memories.

God does hear your prayers. He understands our pain and loss. He is sending you strength and comfort. When we are in the early days of our grieving, we are just not aware of God's presence because we so focused on ourselves and how miserable we are.

I am sending you prayers also. This forum is a safe place for expressing your feelings and thoughts. We are here to help each other.

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Azipod   
On 10/21/2017 at 7:31 AM, Lostwithoutmyhusband said:

I just got my benefit selection in the mail yesterday and it still has his name on it but next to it says No Coverage Not Enrolled. It is so hard to look at that paper. I am sitting here crying just thinking about it. I haven't even thought about beneficiary yet. Both of my kids are minors, so I don't even know how to go from there. Every time I try to stay busy I find something of his or something he was doing and I just cant do anything after that. I can't wait to go back to work, I have been off since he left me. I know it will still be hard there but at least I won't be home where I know he passed away at. It is so hard to be in our home anymore but I can't leave it. Its hard to be here but even if I could buy another home, I don't know that I would want to cause this was our home. I keep asking God to give me strength but it just hasn't happened yet.

I know exactly what you are going through because I went through this in recent months.  You're right.  Dealing with the paperwork for day-to-day matter, no matter how slight, is an uphill battle.  Listing a new beneficiary, checking off the marital status, or putting down a new person for the emergency-contact section on the forms will really bring up the memories and trauma.   Take care of your kids.   I don't have any children but I have heard that young children are a lot more resilient to these things than we are.     Staying home from work is OK.  But at some point, you have to tell yourself that you're going to go back.   Then ease yourself back into work.   You're going to have to push yourself a little bit.  You need the income and you need to feed your children.  Try not to have a "secondary loss" by not going back to work... which can have a domino effect.       Oh and finally... the whole home thing was one of the most difficult things for me to face.   Going back to an empty home.  You will feel lonely.  All you feel is that your loved one is suppose to be there... but they are not.    During the earlier days, I felt so sad everything I walked up to the door, knowing that I will be going into an empty house.  The feeling is terrible.    Now, almost 4-months later, it's not as bad.  It's tolerable.    You are right.  You can't move either.  For me, I didn't want to, it was OUR home.   No way I was going to walk away from OUR home, even though it felt horrible for me to stay there alone.

Hang in there!

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