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Patti14

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3 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I have to accept that he is not coming back even though I feel like he is going to. I have to find a way to go about life a little bit. Yes it is hard to hear that this is our new life. I know it's a reality I just don't want it to be. 

Hi Patti, new here. Just want to say you are strong and greater than what you think you are . I always tell that to myself and somehow everyday when I wake up it keeps me going and keeps me to continue  trying to move forward slowly. Acceptance for me , although at times I still ask myself if my husband is really gone was my turning point . I didn't like this reality but it made me push myself to start trying to live  a meaningful life that my husband would want me to even without him. Little by little I do things now like cooking my favourite meal, cleaning and organizing our apartment those small stuff I stopped doing because I didn't care anymore. My greatest challenge now are doing the things we love doing together like salsa , that was our passion and outdoors. But I'm not going to think about that yet. I'm going to focus with small things first. You can too slowly and when you're ready.

 

 

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11 minutes ago, Maria0419 said:

Hi Patti, new here. Just want to say you are strong and greater than what you think you are . I always tell that to myself and somehow everyday when I wake up it keeps me going and keeps me to continue  trying to move forward slowly. Acceptance for me , although at times I still ask myself if my husband is really gone was my turning point . I didn't like this reality but it made me push myself to start trying to live  a meaningful life that my husband would want me to even without him. Little by little I do things now like cooking my favourite meal, cleaning and organizing our apartment those small stuff I stopped doing because I didn't care anymore. My greatest challenge now are doing the things we love doing together like salsa , that was our passion and outdoors. But I'm not going to think about that yet. I'm going to focus with small things first. You can too slowly and when you're ready.

 

 

I don’t mean to make light of anything here. But when I read that salsa was your passion my immediate thought was “Huh. Didn’t know people were that into salsa.” I read back and see that you clearly mean dancing and not the chip dip. It gave me a chuckle and I appreciated that even if it was due to my own misunderstanding. So thanks!

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

Paluka.  Look at what you just wrote.  You've been back to work for 2 weeks.   People are saying that you are performing fine.  Your exercise duration has increased from 10 to 30 minutes.  You've managed to slip in a post to pump-up Patti.  No matter how you look at it.... there's no denying that you've made some progress.   Just keep it going.

I’m trying as hard as I can. I went to the gym last night with my son. Everywhere I looked in the gym I had memories of Lauri doing some form of exercise with my help. It’s so hard to go there anymore but I don’t want to change gyms. 

When my son and I finished I fell apart outside. I was sobbing with my 17 y/o son crying as well. We talked about Lauri and he misses her. 

Progress with grief monster inside is difficult to see because of the nonstop pain and sense of loss. 

Thank you for your support. I appreciate what you write. You help me. 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

One day at a time.  If you catch yourself thinking about the rest of your life, stop the thought and remind yourself "One day at a time."

One day at a time is all we can do.   When I heard this over and over again, I got sick of it because I knew that everyday (in the immediate future) will be the same.

I started to vary the thinking a bit and told myself to just "live in the moment."  It means the same thing as taking it one day at a time.  But when I tell myself to live in the moment, I am able to calm myself by bringing myself, emotionally, to the present moment.  And not even think about tomorrow.  It's all about the present and doing what moves us, and what can help us at the very moment.  I don't care about tomorrow.

We all know that life has thrown us a curve ball.  We don't need to think about the future.  Just cherish what we've had in our past, and in the moment.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  For the most part, it will likely be the same.  But, in the future, things will change.   What will it change to?  Who knows?    We've been shocked before and I'm sure we will be shocked again.  Perhaps it could be for the better down the line.     Life will always be a journey.  Things will never be the same.    We don't know what's in store for us down the road.   It could be something for the better.

I can't accept my wife's passing.  But it has happened.  And it's a part of life.  Aside from the timing, this will happen to ALL couples.  Yes, I lost my wife young.  But so did others on this forum.  I am not alone.    This is life.   Yes, it stinks sometimes, but that's what life is.  SOme people are born into poverty.  Some people will lose love ones.  Some people will become homeless due to some unfortunate event.   It stinks.  This is life.

Just live in the moment.  Bring yourself back to the present. And know that we have each other.  

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

No I haven't been sleeping good at all. 

Patti14, having a good nights rest is very important.  You may not feel like you need sleep medication, but it could be very useful just to have your doctor prescribe something so that you can have it around.   I take Ambien for unrelated insomnia.   I haven't lost any sleep over my wife's passing.  It's been a surprise.   However, if I know that i need a good nights rest, I will take it because I have it available.     If you are well rested, it will make it so much more easier for you to deal with the grief.   That said, nothing is easy here.   Having good rest will just help.

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

 I have to accept that he is not coming back even though I feel like he is going to. I have to find a way to go about life a little bit. Yes it is hard to hear that this is our new life. I know it's a reality I just don't want it to be. 

Work with your heart, and not the brain.  The brain will tell you this is a tragedy and it will go in a loop like a computer crash.   Use the heart.   Feel your pain.  Feel your love.  Feel what grief is.   Use your heart to work towards accepting you for who you are.   It's difficult for most of us to see, but if we love ourselves, we can then find a road out from this madness and emerge as a new person with a new life.     This new life was not our choice.   But it's the only thing we have left, so we have to work with it.

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51 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I’m trying as hard as I can. I went to the gym last night with my son. Everywhere I looked in the gym I had memories of Lauri doing some form of exercise with my help. It’s so hard to go there anymore but I don’t want to change gyms. 

When my son and I finished I fell apart outside. I was sobbing with my 17 y/o son crying as well. We talked about Lauri and he misses her. 

Progress with grief monster inside is difficult to see because of the nonstop pain and sense of loss. 

Thank you for your support. I appreciate what you write. You help me. 

Paluka.  That's OK.  Because you did it.  You did go to the gym.   It's OK to cry... and it will happen again.

If you want to, maybe when you return to the gym with your son, you can have a few words before hand.  Tell each other that you are trying to continue your new life.  It will be difficult. And if we want to come back out to cry, cut your workout short, that's OK.   Remind yourself that the most important part is that you're trying.

It's like learning how to ride a bicycle.  You will keep falling.  But that's OK.   As long as you keep trying.      That's all that matters.   We are not looking for immediate results.  We are just looking for effort.

Set a date, and go to the gym again.

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t mean to make light of anything here. But when I read that salsa was your passion my immediate thought was “Huh. Didn’t know people were that into salsa.” I read back and see that you clearly mean dancing and not the chip dip. It gave me a chuckle and I appreciated that even if it was due to my own misunderstanding. So thanks!

Sorry, I meant Salsa dance. Come to think of it , even in the midst of this sadness we both hand a good smile/laugh about it. I think that's ok.:)

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1 hour ago, Maria0419 said:

Hi Patti, new here. Just want to say you are strong and greater than what you think you are . I always tell that to myself and somehow everyday when I wake up it keeps me going and keeps me to continue  trying to move forward slowly. Acceptance for me , although at times I still ask myself if my husband is really gone was my turning point . I didn't like this reality but it made me push myself to start trying to live  a meaningful life that my husband would want me to even without him. Little by little I do things now like cooking my favourite meal, cleaning and organizing our apartment those small stuff I stopped doing because I didn't care anymore. My greatest challenge now are doing the things we love doing together like salsa , that was our passion and outdoors. But I'm not going to think about that yet. I'm going to focus with small things first. You can too slowly and when you're ready.

 

 

Thank you I appreciate it. I am having a hard time with anything that we enjoyed together which was a lot. I am trying iy just seems impossible right now.

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30 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Work with your heart, and not the brain.  The brain will tell you this is a tragedy and it will go in a loop like a computer crash.   Use the heart.   Feel your pain.  Feel your love.  Feel what grief is.   Use your heart to work towards accepting you for who you are.   It's difficult for most of us to see, but if we love ourselves, we can then find a road out from this madness and emerge as a new person with a new life.     This new life was not our choice.   But it's the only thing we have left, so we have to work with it.

That's what I need to figure out how to do work with my heart rather than my brain.  Your right it's not our choice but it is all we have left really sad to say that. 

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40 minutes ago, Azipod said:

One day at a time is all we can do.   When I heard this over and over again, I got sick of it because I knew that everyday (in the immediate future) will be the same.

I started to vary the thinking a bit and told myself to just "live in the moment."  It means the same thing as taking it one day at a time.  But when I tell myself to live in the moment, I am able to calm myself by bringing myself, emotionally, to the present moment.  And not even think about tomorrow.  It's all about the present and doing what moves us, and what can help us at the very moment.  I don't care about tomorrow.

We all know that life has thrown us a curve ball.  We don't need to think about the future.  Just cherish what we've had in our past, and in the moment.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  For the most part, it will likely be the same.  But, in the future, things will change.   What will it change to?  Who knows?    We've been shocked before and I'm sure we will be shocked again.  Perhaps it could be for the better down the line.     Life will always be a journey.  Things will never be the same.    We don't know what's in store for us down the road.   It could be something for the better.

I can't accept my wife's passing.  But it has happened.  And it's a part of life.  Aside from the timing, this will happen to ALL couples.  Yes, I lost my wife young.  But so did others on this forum.  I am not alone.    This is life.   Yes, it stinks sometimes, but that's what life is.  SOme people are born into poverty.  Some people will lose love ones.  Some people will become homeless due to some unfortunate event.   It stinks.  This is life.

Just live in the moment.  Bring yourself back to the present. And know that we have each other.  

That is exactly how I feel I am sick of hearing one day at a time. Not from anyone in here but from people in person. People that have not gone through this. I do like live in the moment better it doesn't sound as final. It is life and life does stink. You are right we are not alone in losing our spouses young. It just feels that way. To be honest I am thankful for you all on here. 

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27 minutes ago, Maria0419 said:

Sorry, I meant Salsa dance. Come to think of it , even in the midst of this sadness we both hand a good smile/laugh about it. I think that's ok.:)

Reading your comment made me laugh a little to. I have not laughed since it happened.

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I’m trying as hard as I can. I went to the gym last night with my son. Everywhere I looked in the gym I had memories of Lauri doing some form of exercise with my help. It’s so hard to go there anymore but I don’t want to change gyms. 

When my son and I finished I fell apart outside. I was sobbing with my 17 y/o son crying as well. We talked about Lauri and he misses her. 

Progress with grief monster inside is difficult to see because of the nonstop pain and sense of loss. 

Thank you for your support. I appreciate what you write. You help me. 

 

1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I’m trying as hard as I can. I went to the gym last night with my son. Everywhere I looked in the gym I had memories of Lauri doing some form of exercise with my help. It’s so hard to go there anymore but I don’t want to change gyms. 

When my son and I finished I fell apart outside. I was sobbing with my 17 y/o son crying as well. We talked about Lauri and he misses her. 

Progress with grief monster inside is difficult to see because of the nonstop pain and sense of loss. 

Thank you for your support. I appreciate what you write. You help me. 

At least you are trying. I am right there with you I am constantly having breakdowns. I can't bring myself to to our gym yet. You should be proud of yourself for doing it. I have to start doing these things and realize that breakdowns are ok. You are doing a great job doing these things with your son.

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7 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

It's a roller coaster and I'm tired of it. 

I agree.We have to carry the hope that someday it won't be so difficult to face each morning or the long, lonely nights.

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6 hours ago, Paluka said:

Progress with grief monster inside is difficult to see because of the nonstop pain and sense of loss. 

You are doing a great job with trying, Paluka. Trying is the most that anyone can expect of us. Trying is better than doing nothing in helping ourselves on this grief road.

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am having a hard time with anything that we enjoyed together which was a lot. I am trying iy just seems impossible right now.

Since you are fresh in your loss, Patti, there is no need to push yourself yet. Give yourself time to work up to getting out. Take a baby step with something. If you fail, that is OK. There is plenty of time to try again. If you succeed with something, give yourself a pat on the back or a hug. We stumble and fall quite a bit. The main thing is to keep getting back up and trying again when you feel able. :)

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

 This new life was not our choice.   But it's the only thing we have left, so we have to work with it.

Good advice!

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7 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

and keeps me to continue  trying to move forward slowly. Acceptance for me , although at times I still ask myself if my husband is really gone was my turning point . I didn't like this reality but it made me push myself to start trying to live  a meaningful life that my husband would want me to even without him

You are doing good, Maria! You are a strong person!

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5 minutes ago, KMB said:

Since you are fresh in your loss, Patti, there is no need to push yourself yet. Give yourself time to work up to getting out. Take a baby step with something. If you fail, that is OK. There is plenty of time to try again. If you succeed with something, give yourself a pat on the back or a hug. We stumble and fall quite a bit. The main thing is to keep getting back up and trying again when you feel able. :)

I agree. Like I said I made it for 10 minutes the first time I went. Before that I was just walking (and crying) in my neighborhood. 

I’ll cheer you on. Keep in mind we used to workout 4 days a week together and I did two more days by myself. I’m no where near “normal” for me but I don’t think I’ll go back to working out like that again. Right now, I’m surviving. I hope to have more balance in my future life. 

Take one small step with no expectations. 

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

Since you are fresh in your loss, Patti, there is no need to push yourself yet. Give yourself time to work up to getting out. Take a baby step with something. If you fail, that is OK. There is plenty of time to try again. If you succeed with something, give yourself a pat on the back or a hug. We stumble and fall quite a bit. The main thing is to keep getting back up and trying again when you feel able. :)

Thank you. I need to remember baby steps.

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8 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Reading your comment made me laugh a little to. I have not laughed since it happened.

Good start.:)

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2 hours ago, Paluka said:

I agree. Like I said I made it for 10 minutes the first time I went. Before that I was just walking (and crying) in my neighborhood. 

I’ll cheer you on. Keep in mind we used to workout 4 days a week together and I did two more days by myself. I’m no where near “normal” for me but I don’t think I’ll go back to working out like that again. Right now, I’m surviving. I hope to have more balance in my future life. 

Take one small step with no expectations. 

Paluka, 

This small steps will be a good start. Like you I'm taking small steps too . It's not easy and most of the time i still fall but will still keep trying. I think you are doing great job!

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No matter how we put it, whether it's one day at a time or live in the present, it's important we not bite off more than we can chew.  Semantics.  People can take a dislike to pretty much anything we say because everything hits them wrong at this stage.  We can try to be as sensitive as possible, and still they won't like how we say something.  It's not the words, it's the life.  That's what we don't like, we want our old life back.

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11 minutes ago, KayC said:

No matter how we put it, whether it's one day at a time or live in the present, it's important we not bite off more than we can chew.  Semantics.  People can take a dislike to pretty much anything we say because everything hits them wrong at this stage.  We can try to be as sensitive as possible, and still they won't like how we say something.  It's not the words, it's the life.  That's what we don't like, we want our old life back.

That's true we do want our old life back. Nothing anyone says on here bothers me. It's people who don't know what it's like then it bothers me. People just don't get it and they act like I should be ok especially at work.

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

That's true we do want our old life back. Nothing anyone says on here bothers me. It's people who don't know what it's like then it bothers me. People just don't get it and they act like I should be ok especially at work.

Oh there is plenty of that everywhere.    It's a problem with our society as a whole.  We are not taught about grief and not taught about how to do deal with death.  We are taught about careers, retirement planning, health, etc.   But no one is taught about grief.  It is a taboo subject.   It is even more prevailing in some other cultures such as mine .... being Asian.

People will be cheerful in the office and say:  "How are you doing?!!!!"     The right thing for them to say is "How are you doing, today?"   Or better, you say, "My partner died. How the f**k do you think I am doing?"

Or comes Friday and everyone is like "Happy Friday!!!   What are you going to do this weekend?"     You should say, well.  Excuse me.  I think I'm going to spend my weekend mourning.

Then sometimes people will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."   We should say, "Yes, please bring back my partner."

PEOPLE JUST DON"T GET IT!   Our life is frozen while everyone else's life is continuing as if nothing ever happened.

 

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On 10/17/2017 at 11:02 AM, Maria0419 said:

This is really true. It's been 11 weeks since my husband passed on . I noticed that last 2 weeks I was doing ok like trying to get up and do things which I stopped doing , trying to think positive ( which often times very hard) , or just appreciate small things around me but this past weekend I was so miserable. I couldn't stop crying and being angry. It's a roller coaster and I'm tired of it. 

Sorry everyone that we  have to go this path but we don't have choice. Don't think about days one day or even hour what ever works. We have already seen one act can ruin our planning so why bother at this stage when mind cannot think. I cannot still sleep properly after one year but have to drag myself to move forward. Exercise is good. Drink lots of water. Try to change your routine everyday or few days and it might help Find someone you can talk to you. Your friend relative anyone. I started talking to my MIL and it was so good as we can both talk on a common topic my wife. Sometime making new friends will help as they don't know about you and will be happy to listen to you. If no find a therapist. Do something differnt and see if any you feel any better. Worse case we are miserable anyways.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Oh there is plenty of that everywhere.    It's a problem with our society as a whole.  We are not taught about grief and not taught about how to do deal with death.  We are taught about careers, retirement planning, health, etc.   But no one is taught about grief.  It is a taboo subject.   It is even more prevailing in some other cultures such as mine .... being Asian.

People will be cheerful in the office and say:  "How are you doing?!!!!"     The right thing for them to say is "How are you doing, today?"   Or better, you say, "My partner died. How the f**k do you think I am doing?"

Or comes Friday and everyone is like "Happy Friday!!!   What are you going to do this weekend?"     You should say, well.  Excuse me.  I think I'm going to spend my weekend mourning.

Then sometimes people will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."   We should say, "Yes, please bring back my partner."

PEOPLE JUST DON"T GET IT!   Our life is frozen while everyone else's life is continuing as if nothing ever happened.

 

That is exactly what I want to say to them well put. I mean really obviously we are not ok. Obviously we are not going to have a good weekend. It's not Happy Friday anymore.

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

 We should say, "Yes, please bring back my partner."

I have actually said that to one person. They were giving me the song and dance of wanting me to be back to the smiling, cheerful person I used to be.  I told them that if they want to see the old me, figure out a way to bring my husband back, all healthy and strong of course. Had to throw that expectation in there since it was thrown at me.

Instead of all the political hate rallies going on, all of us grievers should have rallies on how we should be treated.

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

I have actually said that to one person. They were giving me the song and dance of wanting me to be back to the smiling, cheerful person I used to be.  I told them that if they want to see the old me, figure out a way to bring my husband back, all healthy and strong of course. Had to throw that expectation in there since it was thrown at me.

Instead of all the political hate rallies going on, all of us grievers should have rallies on how we should be treated.

Yes that sounds like a great idea. It should be common sense most if it. It's not though. I would like to think that if this didn't happen to me. I would not say these things to someone that did lose their spouse.  All I know for sure is I know what not to say now. I want to tell people off on a daily basis now. That's not me. It is the new me now though sad to say.

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6 hours ago, Patti14 said:

That is exactly what I want to say to them well put. I mean really obviously we are not ok. Obviously we are not going to have a good weekend. It's not Happy Friday anymore.

Yeah. This is our new life.  I've been keeping myself busy.  But it's all new activities and things, some of which is grief related, that I am incoprorating into my free time.   It does suck.  This new life is totally different from what I use to do with my wife.   The days, the nights, are all different.  I don't like it.    Sometimes I do feel like this is a band-aid fix.  But overall, I think it's basically me trying to rebuild my life and creating new days and activities that I can live with.    It stink.   Tonight at 7pm,  I thought about my wife (I always do anyway).  I thought about how she would walk through the door coming home from work at 7pm and we would then hug and have dinner together.  But now, not anymore.   7pm is another night alone, by myself in the house.      Sucks.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Yeah. This is our new life.  I've been keeping myself busy.  But it's all new activities and things, some of which is grief related, that I am incoprorating into my free time.   It does suck.  This new life is totally different from what I use to do with my wife.   The days, the nights, are all different.  I don't like it.    Sometimes I do feel like this is a band-aid fix.  But overall, I think it's basically me trying to rebuild my life and creating new days and activities that I can live with.    It stink.   Tonight at 7pm,  I thought about my wife (I always do anyway).  I thought about how she would walk through the door coming home from work at 7pm and we would then hug and have dinner together.  But now, not anymore.   7pm is another night alone, by myself in the house.      Sucks.

I have been working which has not been easy. I think I hate this new job.I didn't seem to mind it when he was here. Now I feel lost. it's definitely not keeping me busy or my mind off of my husband. I did start going to a grief share group on Tuesdays. Everything I do I feel guilty because he can't do it. I hate that he is not going to see me continue to grow as a person. I hate that if something good does happen to me in the future he won't be here to see it it. He was the one I told everything to. I want to share with him about my job and everything that happens. I try to tell myself when I wake up this is your new reality grow up and deal with it you don't have a choice. It's true we don't have a choice but it doesn't make it any easier. It just sucks!

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15 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

 Everything I do I feel guilty because he can't do it. I hate that he is not going to see me continue to grow as a person. I hate that if something good does happen to me in the future he won't be here to see it it. He was the one I told everything to. I want to share with him about my job and everything that happens. I try to tell myself when I wake up this is your new reality grow up and deal with it you don't have a choice. It's true we don't have a choice but it doesn't make it any easier. It just sucks!

Patti14, for me Todd was the best in his line of work and that was why I was sent over to usa to work with him, to learn from the best. That's was how we met and we became closed. Now he is gone, I am still in the same job. He was so proud of me, I still remembered when we worked together. He will always be so happy and kept telling me, I am the only one who get it! He had not met anyone who can take it all from him. I am still staying in the job because I felt I am closer to him this way and also honoring him. It hurts too... it hurts everyday when I am at work. I am not sure how long I can continue with this. 

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2 minutes ago, TeddTodd said:

Patti14, for me Todd was the best in his line of work and that was why I was sent over to usa to work with him, to learn from the best. That's was how we met and we became closed. Now he is gone, I am still in the same job. He was so proud of me, I still remembered when we worked together. He will always be so happy and kept telling me, I am the only one who get it! He had not met anyone who can take it all from him. I am still staying in the job because I felt I am closer to him this way and also honoring him. It hurts too... it hurts everyday when I am at work. I am not sure how long I can continue with this. 

I know what you mean it hurts to not have them here for us anymore. It hurts that they cannot enjoy things anymore. I also don't know how long I can continue with this.

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

People will be cheerful in the office and say:  "How are you doing?!!!!"     The right thing for them to say is "How are you doing, today?"   Or better, you say, "My partner died. How the f**k do you think I am doing?"

Or comes Friday and everyone is like "Happy Friday!!!   What are you going to do this weekend?"     You should say, well.  Excuse me.  I think I'm going to spend my weekend mourning.

Then sometimes people will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."   We should say, "Yes, please bring back my partner."

PEOPLE JUST DON"T GET IT!   Our life is frozen while everyone else's life is continuing as if nothing ever happened.

Sometimes we'd like to be able to answer them authentically, but of course that would not be "socially acceptable", might even get us called under the carpet at work.  But it seems a lot of people out there have hoof and mouth disease, they just don't think before they speak.

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17 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I thought about how she would walk through the door coming home from work at 7pm and we would then hug and have dinner together.  But now, not anymore.

In the afternoon, I would go outside, no matter the weather and meet my husband when he came home from work. We would start discussing our respective day and carry that conversation right into the kitchen while I finished making our supper. I miss that so very much. No one who really gives a darn about me or my day anymore.This loneliness sucks!

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes we'd like to be able to answer them authentically, but of course that would not be "socially acceptable", might even get us called under the carpet at work.  But it seems a lot of people out there have hoof and mouth disease, they just don't think before they speak.

I usually say "do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?"

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On 10/18/2017 at 2:53 PM, KavitaHubby said:

Sorry everyone that we  have to go this path but we don't have choice. Don't think about days one day or even hour what ever works. We have already seen one act can ruin our planning so why bother at this stage when mind cannot think. I cannot still sleep properly after one year but have to drag myself to move forward. Exercise is good. Drink lots of water. Try to change your routine everyday or few days and it might help Find someone you can talk to you. Your friend relative anyone. I started talking to my MIL and it was so good as we can both talk on a common topic my wife. Sometime making new friends will help as they don't know about you and will be happy to listen to you. If no find a therapist. Do something differnt and see if any you feel any better. Worse case we are miserable anyways.

I really don't know what to say .I was doing ok but now I'm back to being miserable again. My panic attacks are getting intense and I still couldn't sleep without sleep aide. I just feel so alone and I miss my husband so much.

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18 minutes ago, Maria0419 said:

I really don't know what to say .I was doing ok but now I'm back to being miserable again. My panic attacks are getting intense and I still couldn't sleep without sleep aide. I just feel so alone and I miss my husband so much.

I know how you feel, Maria. Even after a little over a year, I still have trouble sleeping, still have the occasional panic attacks and carry a heavy load of sadness in my heart. I miss my husband so much and all I want is to be with him. I hate this separation and there are days I feel it is going to drive me insane. Nobody teaches us about death and grieving and how it really is. We have to learn the hard way and I know there is no easy way about this.

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I can't stop crying right now. Just looking at his picture and begging him to take me with him so I don't have to feel this pain anymore. I'm so lost , I don't know what to do.

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2 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

I can't stop crying right now. Just looking at his picture and begging him to take me with him so I don't have to feel this pain anymore. I'm so lost , I don't know what to do.

I know how you feel I can't stop crying tonight either. It was a really bad night for me. I am tired of all this pain to. My heart won't stop racing. 

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I feel your pain, Maria. If crying and begging was all it took, none of us would be here and have need of this forum. Let the tears flow, don't fight the emotions. Crying is a release valve for the pain. The intensity of our grieving does lessen over time. It has to, otherwise no one would survive loss. :wub:

Patti,  I know how you feel as well. I spent the majority of the first 8 months with non stop crying. I still cry when I hit the low spots. It takes a very long time to see a flicker of light on the other side of the dark tunnel we are in.:wub:

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

In the afternoon, I would go outside, no matter the weather and meet my husband when he came home from work. We would start discussing our respective day and carry that conversation right into the kitchen while I finished making our supper. I miss that so very much. No one who really gives a darn about me or my day anymore.This loneliness sucks!

Yeah, I'm feeling this again the 2nd night in a row.  The last two nights I've been staying at home and when the clock strikes 7pm.... my body reminds me that this is the time she's suppose to walk through the door and we would begin to spend the evening together after work.    But now, in the new life, I will be all alone.   It really makes me realize how much more I could have cherished our relationship when we were together.  Gosh.  Just thinking about missing her.  I'd give anything just to be able to have a conversation with her again.

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14 minutes ago, KMB said:

I feel your pain, Maria. If crying and begging was all it took, none of us would be here and have need of this forum. Let the tears flow, don't fight the emotions. Crying is a release valve for the pain. The intensity of our grieving does lessen over time. It has to, otherwise no one would survive loss. :wub:

Patti,  I know how you feel as well. I spent the majority of the first 8 months with non stop crying. I still cry when I hit the low spots. It takes a very long time to see a flicker of light on the other side of the dark tunnel we are in.:wub:

I don't see any light yet at the other end.  I'm managing.   Surprisingly, it's been an entire week of calmness for me.    How long did it take you before you saw the light at the other end?

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23 minutes ago, Azipod said:

    How long did it take you before you saw the light at the other end?

I was trying to be uplifting. I haven't seen the light at the end myself yet.

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It is said that we see the bright light of Heaven when we transition over. There are many times I wish to see THAT light.

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25 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I know how you feel I can't stop crying tonight either. It was a really bad night for me. I am tired of all this pain to. My heart won't stop racing. 

Oh Patti.... this is going to be difficult.  But it's OK to cry.  I cry whenever I can so I can release all the tension and emotions.  In addition to crying, try to also give yourself an opportunity to heal like going to the gym, walk around the block, etc.    For example, whenever I cry at work, I make sure that after I am done, I take a short walk around the building (inside).   It helps me free up my mind and re-compose myself before I get back to work.   Little things help.    Just incorporate them into your day, no matter how small and minor it seems.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Oh Patti.... this is going to be difficult.  But it's OK to cry.  I cry whenever I can so I can release all the tension and emotions.  In addition to crying, try to also give yourself an opportunity to heal like going to the gym, walk around the block, etc.    For example, whenever I cry at work, I make sure that after I am done, I take a short walk around the building (inside).   It helps me free up my mind and re-compose myself before I get back to work.   Little things help.    Just incorporate them into your day, no matter how small and minor it seems.

Thank you. I need to figure out how to start the healing. I can't get over being sad and in pain. I hate waking up and realizing he is gone all over again. I always had him to fall back on. If something happened I always had him. We were a team. Now all I have is me and my income and I have never been on my own.

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On 10/10/2017 at 3:33 AM, Azipod said:

I just realized that LoveGoli has been missing.   I hope she is doing OK.

Hi Azipod, I just read your this post today.

Thanks for caring, I am ok and doing fine. I made few friends on this forum and they are helping me in this horrible journey , we chat almost daily that's why I was just away for few days.

Your post really means a lot, hope you are doing ok too.

Lots of hugs for you from me and my Goli.

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On 10/10/2017 at 5:06 AM, KMB said:

Sorry, LoveGoli. I do hope you are okay. I got you mixed up with TooDevastated. She is the one in the hospital.

KMB, no need of any kind of apology and thanks for your quote. I was just away for few days and didn't read many posts. I am reading few posts today and felt that Azipod, Toodevastated and You all mentioned about my absence, it really means a lot to me.

Thank you guys for your support and care. Lots of hugs from me and my Goli.

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Thank you. I need to figure out how to start the healing. I can't get over being sad and in pain. I hate waking up and realizing he is gone all over again. I always had him to fall back on. If something happened I always had him. We were a team. Now all I have is me and my income and I have never been on my own.

Patti14.  I went through the exact same feelings you have during the past months.  It is sad.  Your body aches, your mind is going wild, and life feels frozen while the rest of the world has moved on.   In the past, I wake up each day knowing that I am waking up in hell.  I shake my head and cry as soon as I get out of bed.    You are correct.  Our partners/spouses were our anchor.  They were our support.  We always leaned on them because we knew that if there was one person who would accept us, it woudl be them.  We felt invincible when we were with them.  We knew that as bad as anything gets, we can always fall back on them and they would accept us.   Now, we are totally devastated because they are no longer here.

It's just me and my single income as well.  Once we get over this grief, it's going to be time to start rebuilding our life.... but don't even think about that now.  Just take care of yourself and take it one moment at a time.   There is no better time than to just be selfish now, thinking about yourself, and love yourself.  That's all you can do.  We all need it.

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