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Patti14

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7 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Another lonely night in my empty bed without the sound of my husband laying next to me. Trying to get some rest but my heart won't stop racing. It's so quiet without him here. I have had a headache for days. 

I have some of Lauri's clothes in the bed with me. They still smell like her. I try to fall asleep talking to her and picturing her smiling at me. I may still wake up crying or screaming but I do my best. 

I know it's hard. Deep breaths. 

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Yesterday was the last time my group met before the winter weather comes...we agreed to break until Spring because most are older and driving in snow/ice can be a problem.  God gave me the perfect article to read and discuss with them, and as I looked around my group, I realized they are doing so much better than they were when they started coming.  We've forged friendships as well.  We went out to lunch together afterwards and it was very enjoyable.  I'm already looking for ways to connect with them during this break. 

I really hope you find the right group for you.  I feel as KMB does, that the smaller groups can be more intimate.

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13 hours ago, KMB said:

i just picture my husband had to go on a long journey without me and that he is up ahead, around a very long curve and someday I will catch up to him.

That's kind of how I look at it too.  

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8 hours ago, Paluka said:

I have some of Lauri's clothes in the bed with me. They still smell like her. I try to fall asleep talking to her and picturing her smiling at me. I may still wake up crying or screaming but I do my best. 

I know it's hard. Deep breaths. 

I have some of my Greg's clothes in the bed with me to. I try to act like he is with me of course it doesn't work. The little that I did sleep last night I just wake up to realize the painful truth. I just can't accept it.

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55 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yesterday was the last time my group met before the winter weather comes...we agreed to break until Spring because most are older and driving in snow/ice can be a problem.  God gave me the perfect article to read and discuss with them, and as I looked around my group, I realized they are doing so much better than they were when they started coming.  We've forged friendships as well.  We went out to lunch together afterwards and it was very enjoyable.  I'm already looking for ways to connect with them during this break. 

I really hope you find the right group for you.  I feel as KMB does, that the smaller groups can be more intimate.

I am glad the group has helped you guys. I hope you can stay in touch over the break. 

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Another morning and my husband is not here. This is my new reality and it is dark and painful. I need him so bad and it's something I am never going to get. I am trapped in this neverending cycle of hell.

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26 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I have some of my Greg's clothes in the bed with me to. I try to act like he is with me of course it doesn't work. The little that I did sleep last night I just wake up to realize the painful truth. I just can't accept it.

I hate it too and can't accept it. No matter how hard I try to do things, pray, meditate, talk to her; it all is crushed because I miss her so much. 

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Patti,  I wish I could say something to help you feel calmer. But, I know there isn't anything. We've been through those beginning weeks, feeling just like you. You are going to have bad days and really, really bad days. The only thing you can do is ride it out the best you can. Maybe you can do what I did, when it felt like I was going to explode from the pain. I went out in the woods and screamed. I screamed and I cried till I was exhausted. I did this a few different times over the beginning months. The emotions and that raw pain need a release valve. :wub:

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14 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Another lonely night in my empty bed without the sound of my husband laying next to me. Trying to get some rest but my heart won't stop racing. It's so quiet without him here. I have had a headache for days. 

I know how you feel, Patti.   I saw your post last night when I hopped into bed too.  I just didn't have the energy to respond to any posts last night.

It's really an awful experience...  anyway you look at it.  Everything in our life is bad.  When our partner left, they took a piece of us with them. A part of us died too.

Do you live alone?  

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2 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel, Patti.   I saw your post last night when I hopped into bed too.  I just didn't have the energy to respond to any posts last night.

It's really an awful experience...  anyway you look at it.  Everything in our life is bad.  When our partner left, they took a piece of us with them. A part of us died too.

Do you live alone?  

It is an awful experience and I am tired of going through it. They definitely took a piece of us with them. The happy piece. I live with our daughter who we have legal guardianship of. We aren't her biological parents but she us our daughter. She is 16 will be 17 in December. Also my sister and brother in law were renting a room from us so they live there to. It feels like I live alone though.

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Another morning and my husband is not here. This is my new reality and it is dark and painful. I need him so bad and it's something I am never going to get. I am trapped in this neverending cycle of hell.

Yes. It's going to be like this for a very long time.  I'm having trouble with this every morning myself.

I realize that while I'm trying to be solution oriented, I am still doing too much thinking and trying to solve this problem with my brain.   With grief, you cannot use your brain.  They say we have to solve this problem with our heart.   As for how?  I'm not there yet as I have no clue to what and how to feel.   But the brain can't help us with this one, it's only going to hurt us.  We need to work our hearts.  However and whichever way I don't know right now.

 

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

Yes. It's going to be like this for a very long time.  I'm having trouble with this every morning myself.

I realize that while I'm trying to be solution oriented, I am still doing too much thinking and trying to solve this problem with my brain.   With grief, you cannot use your brain.  They say we have to solve this problem with our heart.   As for how?  I'm not there yet as I have no clue to what and how to feel.   But the brain can't help us with this one, it's only going to hurt us.  We need to work our hearts.  However and whichever way I don't know right now.

 

Yes so true but my brain won't shut off. My brain and heart miss him so much and cannot believe he is never coming back.

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6 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Yes so true but my brain won't shut off. My brain and heart miss him so much and cannot believe he is never coming back.

I understand.  You're still very early in your process.  In a lot of ways, so am I.    

Last night in my grief support group, we discussed about being active and to pursue physical movement.  Activities help us release our endorphins which can help us with the grief pain. Obviously, exercising is one way.  It is not a "fix all" solution because it's only temporary relief.    I do believe it has helped for me.   My wife and I always wanted to bike in our community but we never got around to buying each of ourselves our own bicycle.   When she left, I did just that.   I do have to admit that it''s probably one of the feel things that I can enjoy at this stage of my grief.   I do enjoy riding my bike though at times, I still do cry because i see how beautiful our community is while riding, and I wished that we had did it together -- another missed opportunity.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to try being active.  If you are feeling down, just go out and move. Go for a walk.   You're still going to feel like sh*t. But at least, you're not sitting still letting the grief consume you.   Try exercising.     Also, try meditation or something that can allow yourself to "escape" the grief -- it's better to join a class to do these activities, that way you can focus while working with others.

Our "old life" with our loved one is gone.   We have a new life.  What your new life is and how it looks we don't know.  You have to go out and explore and see what moves you.  You have to create a new life for yourself.   It is the first stage in rebuilding your life.    Like I said earlier,  we are all very new to this, we are in our infancy stage.    These are just ideas.  But it's something to keep your eyes open and something to think about.

I know this is a tough process and there is no easy way out of it.  Bottom line is that we're all going thorugh our grief journey alone.    We are able to share our stories because perhaps we are on parallel roads and we can shout to each other for support.  At the end of the day, we're still going down this grief road alone.

 

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

as I looked around my group, I realized they are doing so much better than they were when they started coming.  We've forged friendships as well.  We went out to lunch together afterwards and it was very enjoyable.  I'm already looking for ways to connect with them

You have been doing a remarkable, generous act of love and compassion for others. You started your own support group and you are here for us too .God has been guiding you on the path He must have intended for you to take.

I have been reading posts, and I'm sorry that your daughter's current path has been painful. It would be the greatest thing if her husband turned his life around and realized that true love is hard to come by and he has it with your daughter.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I understand.  You're still very early in your process.  In a lot of ways, so am I.    

Last night in my grief support group, we discussed about being active and to pursue physical movement.  Activities help us release our endorphins which can help us with the grief pain. Obviously, exercising is one way.  It is not a "fix all" solution because it's only temporary relief.    I do believe it has helped for me.   My wife and I always wanted to bike in our community but we never got around to buying each of ourselves our own bicycle.   When she left, I did just that.   I do have to admit that it''s probably one of the feel things that I can enjoy at this stage of my grief.   I do enjoy riding my bike though at times, I still do cry because i see how beautiful our community is while riding, and I wished that we had did it together -- another missed opportunity.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to try being active.  If you are feeling down, just go out and move. Go for a walk.   You're still going to feel like sh*t. But at least, you're not sitting still letting the grief consume you.   Try exercising.     Also, try meditation or something that can allow yourself to "escape" the grief -- it's better to join a class to do these activities, that way you can focus while working with others.

Our "old life" with our loved one is gone.   We have a new life.  What your new life is and how it looks we don't know.  You have to go out and explore and see what moves you.  You have to create a new life for yourself.   It is the first stage in rebuilding your life.    Like I said earlier,  we are all very new to this, we are in our infancy stage.    These are just ideas.  But it's something to keep your eyes open and something to think about.

I know this is a tough process and there is no easy way out of it.  Bottom line is that we're all going thorugh our grief journey alone.    We are able to share our stories because perhaps we are on parallel roads and we can shout to each other for support.  At the end of the day, we're still going down this grief road alone.

 

In my first weeks I barely ate. Now the last couple of days I just want to keep eating. I do need to be more active. I just have a hard time because I think he should be here to be doing it all with me  I hate the idea of having a new life. We are definitely going through it alone. I keep trying to think he is coming back but the reality of it is he is not. I hate this reality. I was happy now I'm miserable. I just saw someone from his work post they are having a carnival at his work for their employees and families. He should be a part of it and it breaks my heart that he is not. He would have loved that because he was a fun guy and so full of life. I am so angry today.

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12 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

In my first weeks I barely ate. Now the last couple of days I just want to keep eating. I do need to be more active. I just have a hard time because I think he should be here to be doing it all with me  I hate the idea of having a new life. We are definitely going through it alone. I keep trying to think he is coming back but the reality of it is he is not. I hate this reality. I was happy now I'm miserable. I just saw someone from his work post they are having a carnival at his work for their employees and families. He should be a part of it and it breaks my heart that he is not. He would have loved that because he was a fun guy and so full of life. I am so angry today.

I know.  There is nothing good that comes out of this.   All we can do is come here for support/advice while sharing our insights with others. 

It's a tough life. I wish there was an eject button.

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

I wish there was an eject button.

Wouldn't that be great! My husband was in the Air Force. He told me about the seat ejectors in the planes for making a quick exit in case of emergency. We could hit the seat eject and it would shoot us up to Heaven. Problem solved! If only---------

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29 minutes ago, KMB said:

Wouldn't that be great! My husband was in the Air Force. He told me about the seat ejectors in the planes for making a quick exit in case of emergency. We could hit the seat eject and it would shoot us up to Heaven. Problem solved! If only---------

That is the greatest idea I have heard yet. To bad we could not figure out how to make that happen.

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

Patti,  I wish I could say something to help you feel calmer. But, I know there isn't anything. We've been through those beginning weeks, feeling just like you. You are going to have bad days and really, really bad days. The only thing you can do is ride it out the best you can. Maybe you can do what I did, when it felt like I was going to explode from the pain. I went out in the woods and screamed. I screamed and I cried till I was exhausted. I did this a few different times over the beginning months. The emotions and that raw pain need a release valve. :wub:

I did that too, KMB, I'm sure I scared some wild animals away!

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18 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I do need to be more active. I just have a hard time because I think he should be here to be doing it all with me 

Try to do it for you.  The person that valued you most is gone but I hope you can realize your own worth to make effort for yourself.  I know how hard that is and you may not be there yet.  Are you getting grief counseling?  It helps to have someone walk you through this, it's so hard to muddle through it alone.  Regardless, we're all here, we've been through it, and we're listening.

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On 10/13/2017 at 9:56 AM, KayC said:

Try to do it for you.  The person that valued you most is gone but I hope you can realize your own worth to make effort for yourself.  I know how hard that is and you may not be there yet.  Are you getting grief counseling?  It helps to have someone walk you through this, it's so hard to muddle through it alone.  Regardless, we're all here, we've been through it, and we're listening.

I am not getting grief counseling yet. I don't even know how to do anything for me. I am on a never ending cycle that I wake up and go through this all day then repeat it every day. I feel so alone and nobody understands.

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You don't know how to do anything for you?  Try starting in baby steps, like fix something healthy for you to eat.  That takes effort especially when we're not hungry and could care less about anything.  To recognize your need and fill it is to do something good for yourself.  Or maybe go for a walk.  It helps elevate our mood and lord knows we could use some of that.

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44 minutes ago, KayC said:

You don't know how to do anything for you?  Try starting in baby steps, like fix something healthy for you to eat.  That takes effort especially when we're not hungry and could care less about anything.  To recognize your need and fill it is to do something good for yourself.  Or maybe go for a walk.  It helps elevate our mood and lord knows we could use some of that.

Thank you. I will try.

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Keep trying, Patti! Like KayC said, baby steps. That is how I had to start out. In the beginning, letting the dog in and out and feeding him and the cat were about all I could manage. I had no appetite, but whenever I did venture out to the grocery store, I would buy bananas and the 6 paks of Boost. Eventually, I started buying pre-made deli foods or the microwaveable stuff.  I just couldn't see cooking for one when I had spent years doing it for two.Getting outside helped me a lot. I had chores to focus on and going for walks helped in clearing my mind and keeping me grounded and somewhat sane. It takes a lot of effort, Patti, to have the will power to take care of ourselves. We figure what is the point? Our loved one isn't here, so who cares? But, we do start caring after awhile. We are still here. Underneath, we are still a worthy, valuable person. Our beloveds fell in love with that person buried beneath all the pain. We want for them to be proud of picking ourselves up after every stumble and fall, and try to keep plugging away, one day at a time.

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11 minutes ago, KMB said:

Keep trying, Patti! Like KayC said, baby steps. That is how I had to start out. In the beginning, letting the dog in and out and feeding him and the cat were about all I could manage. I had no appetite, but whenever I did venture out to the grocery store, I would buy bananas and the 6 paks of Boost. Eventually, I started buying pre-made deli foods or the microwaveable stuff.  I just couldn't see cooking for one when I had spent years doing it for two.Getting outside helped me a lot. I had chores to focus on and going for walks helped in clearing my mind and keeping me grounded and somewhat sane. It takes a lot of effort, Patti, to have the will power to take care of ourselves. We figure what is the point? Our loved one isn't here, so who cares? But, we do start caring after awhile. We are still here. Underneath, we are still a worthy, valuable person. Our beloveds fell in love with that person buried beneath all the pain. We want for them to be proud of picking ourselves up after every stumble and fall, and try to keep plugging away, one day at a time.

It is just so tiring as you know. I have no joy or happiness anymore. I have no interest in my work. My mind won't shut off no matter what I am doing. I don't find myself valuable at all.

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6 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

It is just so tiring as you know. I have no joy or happiness anymore. I have no interest in my work. My mind won't shut off no matter what I am doing. I don't find myself valuable at all.

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

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18 minutes ago, Paluka said:

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

Yeah pretty much same here. I need to make myself exercise to. I guess your right even 10 minutes is a start. I am sorry we all have to go through this.

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24 minutes ago, Paluka said:

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

Very nice and valuable words. We all go thru this process. I am more than an year out but still some or most of the days can't concentrate on work the way I use to. Now crying has reduced and only cry few times a week or so. Exercise does help as it takes away some negativity I suppose. Hang in everyone we don't have option we had to hold each other hand and cross the path.

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42 minutes ago, KavitaHubby said:

 Hang in everyone we don't have option we had to hold each other hand and cross the path.

Good words to remember. We are all here for comfort, to uplift and hold each other up.

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

It is just so tiring as you know. I have no joy or happiness anymore. I have no interest in my work. My mind won't shut off no matter what I am doing. I don't find myself valuable at all.

Grieving is probably the most overwhelming, exhausting deal we will ever go through.  Our loss stripped us, temporarily, I hope, of our identity, our self esteem, our feelings of value as a human. It is going to take a very long time, a lot of patience, for us to find our way, our value, our individual identity.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Grieving is probably the most overwhelming, exhausting deal we will ever go through.  Our loss stripped us, temporarily, I hope, of our identity, our self esteem, our feelings of value as a human. It is going to take a very long time, a lot of patience, for us to find our way, our value, our individual identity.

It hasn't even been a month yet for me and I am so exhausted. 

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2 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

Very nice and valuable words. We all go thru this process. I am more than an year out but still some or most of the days can't concentrate on work the way I use to. Now crying has reduced and only cry few times a week or so. Exercise does help as it takes away some negativity I suppose. Hang in everyone we don't have option we had to hold each other hand and cross the path.

I am not even at a month yet and I am so exhausted. The thought of a year and years is overwhelming 

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

It hasn't even been a month yet for me and I am so exhausted. 

I know you are exhausted. I still am too. But, somehow, our bodies find our inner reserves to keep going. We get into survival mode. It takes a long time to find our strengths and will power to keep moving forward. This is the hardest thing we might be called on to endure. Anything negative that comes into our life later, we'll know we can can get through it, because we are already going through the worst.

It helps not to think of the months or years ahead of you. It is even more overwhelming to worry about what we don't know. We only need to concentrate on the present day. The future will take care of itself and unfold over time. That is why the best advice is one day at a time.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I know you are exhausted. I still am too. But, somehow, our bodies find our inner reserves to keep going. We get into survival mode. It takes a long time to find our strengths and will power to keep moving forward. This is the hardest thing we might be called on to endure. Anything negative that comes into our life later, we'll know we can can get through it, because we are already going through the worst.

It helps not to think of the months or years ahead of you. It is even more overwhelming to worry about what we don't know. We only need to concentrate on the present day. The future will take care of itself and unfold over time. That is why the best advice is one day at a time.

Yes it definitely is the hardest thing we will ever go through. I don't know how my body even goes into survival mode but something it does. It is really hard to not think of the future as well. Thank you for the advice.

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17 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am not getting grief counseling yet. I don't even know how to do anything for me. I am on a never ending cycle that I wake up and go through this all day then repeat it every day. I feel so alone and nobody understands.

Hi Patti,

I am not a medical professional.  But for me, I sought psycho-therapy counseling even before the funeral.    Did it help?  I like to think that it did.  I'm still seeing my therapists (notice the plural).   Everything you do will help.  There is no magic pill.  We can't just do one thing and expect results.  However, reach out to anything and everything you can get your hands on and work with all of it to find peace.   

Even the smallest actions you do will help.   For example, you can launch a rocket into the sky only 1-degrees off.  But once you've traveled thousands of miles that 1-degrees variation can bring to a totally different place.   Same goes with grief and healing.   Just start something.   It will help in the long run.

The worst thing for us is to not do anything.  You said you don't know how to do anything.  Yes you do.  Find strength and do something new each day.    It could be as simple as taking a walk around the block, or taking a new path to work, buying a new sandwich for lunch that you would have never gotten before.   Small steps are OK...

I know we all hate to hear it.  But this is our new life.  You might as well start incorporating new activities into it.  Yes, it will be an adjustment but we already knew that when our loved ones left.

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12 hours ago, Paluka said:

You are plenty valuable. You do not have to be a certain “way” to be worthwhile. Your value is intrinsic. 

I’m really sorry Patti. You’re hurting like the rest of us. You and I are pretty close (time wise) in this process. This is my 2nd week (full week) back at work. I feel useless too. I asked a coworker how I was doing and they said I’m doing my usual quality work. I don’t see how since I cry in my office multiple times a day. 

I keep thinking what would Lauri want me to do? I ask her and ask her to help me. First time I exercised it was only 10 me minutes. Now I’m up to 30 minutes. It’s very difficult for me to do it but I’m going to hurt no matter what so I just make myself do it. Kind of how work is as well. My passion for what I do has slipped away. 

Hang in there. 

Paluka.  Look at what you just wrote.  You've been back to work for 2 weeks.   People are saying that you are performing fine.  Your exercise duration has increased from 10 to 30 minutes.  You've managed to slip in a post to pump-up Patti.  No matter how you look at it.... there's no denying that you've made some progress.   Just keep it going.

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11 hours ago, KMB said:

Grieving is probably the most overwhelming, exhausting deal we will ever go through.  Our loss stripped us, temporarily, I hope, of our identity, our self esteem, our feelings of value as a human. It is going to take a very long time, a lot of patience, for us to find our way, our value, our individual identity.

It's probably the hardest I've ever had to work.    Grief is very demanding.  It's unrelenting.  It does not give up.  It's a shadow that follows you wherever you go.  Even though it may not knock you out like a punch, the constant nagging will eventually drag you down.  And it has done that to me many times.

Thank goodness I've been given time-out for the fourth consecutive day.  We'll see what happens tomorrow.

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9 hours ago, Patti14 said:

It hasn't even been a month yet for me and I am so exhausted. 

Are you able to get good sleep?   I finally became exhausted at the end of the 2 month near the 3rd month.   I had to go to bed early on a few nights and crashed just so I could recover my energy.

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6 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Yes it definitely is the hardest thing we will ever go through. I don't know how my body even goes into survival mode but something it does. It is really hard to not think of the future as well. Thank you for the advice.

We are a lot stronger than what we think.  Our strength comes out when we are forced to endure these terrible times.   At times, I can come out strong and powerful (like now).   But once I'm exhausted, or when I am down, then I'm usually down for the count.   I guess I can put up a good fight with the grief monster when I'm in the mood.

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4 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Yes it definitely is the hardest thing we will ever go through. I don't know how my body even goes into survival mode but something it does. It is really hard to not think of the future as well. Thank you for the advice.

Yes this is definitely the hardest thing, I never imagined that my body will survive from this trauma but yes I am surviving every single day. I use to tell my husband, if anything happen to you I will die, but here I am alive in my 4th month and it sucks every single day.

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

Hi Patti,

I am not a medical professional.  But for me, I sought psycho-therapy counseling even before the funeral.    Did it help?  I like to think that it did.  I'm still seeing my therapists (notice the plural).   Everything you do will help.  There is no magic pill.  We can't just do one thing and expect results.  However, reach out to anything and everything you can get your hands on and work with all of it to find peace.   

Even the smallest actions you do will help.   For example, you can launch a rocket into the sky only 1-degrees off.  But once you've traveled thousands of miles that 1-degrees variation can bring to a totally different place.   Same goes with grief and healing.   Just start something.   It will help in the long run.

The worst thing for us is to not do anything.  You said you don't know how to do anything.  Yes you do.  Find strength and do something new each day.    It could be as simple as taking a walk around the block, or taking a new path to work, buying a new sandwich for lunch that you would have never gotten before.   Small steps are OK...

I know we all hate to hear it.  But this is our new life.  You might as well start incorporating new activities into it.  Yes, it will be an adjustment but we already knew that when our loved ones left.

Your right I need to do something. I need to find the right therapist. I have finally have had dreams about him. The first one was painful and I didn't like. He told me he wanted to die in that one. The other two were great dreams. Both of them he came back. I have to accept that he is not coming back even though I feel like he is going to. I have to find a way to go about life a little bit. Yes it is hard to hear that this is our new life. I know it's a reality I just don't want it to be. 

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

Are you able to get good sleep?   I finally became exhausted at the end of the 2 month near the 3rd month.   I had to go to bed early on a few nights and crashed just so I could recover my energy.

No I haven't been sleeping good at all. 

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

We are a lot stronger than what we think.  Our strength comes out when we are forced to endure these terrible times.   At times, I can come out strong and powerful (like now).   But once I'm exhausted, or when I am down, then I'm usually down for the count.   I guess I can put up a good fight with the grief monster when I'm in the mood.

I am glad that you have had 4 good days. I hope they continue for you. I guess I'm strong because I'm somehow getting through the days. I just don't feel strong.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Yes this is definitely the hardest thing, I never imagined that my body will survive from this trauma but yes I am surviving every single day. I use to tell my husband, if anything happen to you I will die, but here I am alive in my 4th month and it sucks every single day.

Everyday does suck but somehow we are surviving. I don't know how but we are.

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

We are still here. Underneath, we are still a worthy, valuable person. Our beloveds fell in love with that person buried beneath all the pain. We want for them to be proud of picking ourselves up after every stumble and fall, and try to keep plugging away, one day at a time.

Well put! 

 

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18 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am not even at a month yet and I am so exhausted. The thought of a year and years is overwhelming 

One day at a time.  If you catch yourself thinking about the rest of your life, stop the thought and remind yourself "One day at a time."

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

Paluka.  Look at what you just wrote.  You've been back to work for 2 weeks.   People are saying that you are performing fine.  Your exercise duration has increased from 10 to 30 minutes.  You've managed to slip in a post to pump-up Patti.  No matter how you look at it.... there's no denying that you've made some progress.   Just keep it going.

So true!  Sometimes our progress is so minute as to seem imperceptible...but then we look back to where we were and it looms out at us, we're making progress.

Congratulate yourself, you’re coping with grief 

Congratulations!

No seriously, congratulations.

You are doing it.  You are surviving.  You are breathing in and out and you are putting one foot in front of the other. In the past, you probably wouldn’t have considered things like these accomplishments, but that was before you began walking around in the darkness with a broken heart and 20 extra pounds of complicated emotion.

Over time, I’ve come to believe that coping with grief is about doing small things and taking tiny steps that shift your wellness gauge towards ‘okay’ bit-by-bit-by-bit. The downside of this is that grief can feel like ongoing and long lasting work, but the upside is that the work can be done in manageable doses and most likely you’re already doing it. So congratulations. You’re doing it. You’re coping with grief. 

I know many of you will want to reject my praise because grief has been known to cause self-doubt false modesty. Many people feel not-good-enough because they compare themselves to their BG-selves (before grief selves) or some other ideal. So if you’re comparing yourself to your BG-self, stop right now.  When you compare yourself to the BG-you or a more-perfect-future-you, you run the risk of overlooking your everyday wins and accomplishments and never noticing how far you’ve come. 

Too often grieving people beat themselves up for not being able to do things like get over it, get it together, keep it together, go back to normal, be strong, be inspiring, grow, grieve the ‘right’ way, and so on. When in reality some of these things are unattainable (i.e. getting over it, going back to normal, grieving in the ‘right’ way) and the rest I’m willing to bet you’re already doing in small ways each and every day.

So at the risk of sounding cheesy, here’s what I want you to do – Take some time to congratulate yourself on the steps you’ve taken in your grief. No matter how bad you feel or how much you think you’re struggling, I guarantee there’s at least one thing you can congratulate yourself for in this moment.

Congratulate yourself for getting out of bed today. I don’t care what time it was when you got up or how long you waited before getting back in bed. You did it.

Congratulate yourself on getting dressed. I don’t care if the only clean thing in your closet today was an old velour track suit from the early 2000’s. Still counts.

Congratulate yourself on doing your school-work, work-work, or housework. So you don’t do windows anymore? Smudged windows have character!

Congratulate yourself for seeking grief support.  I don’t care if all you could bring yourself to do was read this bonkers grief post. It’s the first step.

Congratulate yourself for finding ways to grow, even though I know you’d trade all your growth to have your loved one back.

Do this as a journal exercise:

Congratulating yourself actually makes for a great journaling exercise.  Simply spend some time completing the phrase:

I want to congratulate myself for ___________________________________________

 

from What's Your Grief

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2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

No I haven't been sleeping good at all. 

Talk to your doctor about it.  All the help we can get...sleep is an important part of our being able to make it through this.

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32 minutes ago, KayC said:

One day at a time.  If you catch yourself thinking about the rest of your life, stop the thought and remind yourself "One day at a time."

Thank you Kay I appreciate it 

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

We are a lot stronger than what we think.  Our strength comes out when we are forced to endure these terrible times.   At times, I can come out strong and powerful (like now).   But once I'm exhausted, or when I am down, then I'm usually down for the count.   I guess I can put up a good fight with the grief monster when I'm in the mood.

This is really true. It's been 11 weeks since my husband passed on . I noticed that last 2 weeks I was doing ok like trying to get up and do things which I stopped doing , trying to think positive ( which often times very hard) , or just appreciate small things around me but this past weekend I was so miserable. I couldn't stop crying and being angry. It's a roller coaster and I'm tired of it. 

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