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Patti14

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

I am sorry we have to go through this so young. It is beyond words. I am outside at work crying my eyes out. 

Just keeping letter those tears out.   When I returned to work, I cried in my office, outside, everywhere I could.  I looked for quiet/private places.   It's also suggested to go out to walk, just to walk.  It's not going to make you feel better per se, but gives you a chance in environment and some fresh air.    Every little thing you do will help in some minor way.   Just keep them going.

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43 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Just keeping letter those tears out.   When I returned to work, I cried in my office, outside, everywhere I could.  I looked for quiet/private places.   It's also suggested to go out to walk, just to walk.  It's not going to make you feel better per se, but gives you a chance in environment and some fresh air.    Every little thing you do will help in some minor way.   Just keep them going.

I have been crying. I have been taking walks to. Everything reminds me of him. We were always together and there are so many memories.

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51 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel.  It's still very early for you.  It will be like this for some time.   Have you considered seeing a doctor to get some sleep pills?   I know you mentioned that you've returned back to work -- I'm just thinking that having a better nights rest would be easier for during the day.  Of course, "easier" is a relative term.  Nothing is easy about grief.

I have not thought about sleeping pills yet. I am just trying to make it through the days which are miserable.

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Azipod,  That is a beautiful shadowbox!  You stayed true to yourself and wrote your own sentiment. If anyone actually sees it and questions you, without a doubt, they are dense. It is clearly self-explanatory.

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2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I have been crying. I have been taking walks to. Everything reminds me of him. We were always together and there are so many memories.

Just keep doing those things and go with the flow of it. Let the memories and the tears do their thing. It doesn't pay to fight it. It gets a little easier each time, working yourself through it.:wub:

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17 minutes ago, KMB said:

Just keep doing those things and go with the flow of it. Let the memories and the tears do their thing. It doesn't pay to fight it. It gets a little easier each time, working yourself through it.:wub:

I hope it does get easier. This is so hard. 

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5 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I hope it does get easier. This is so hard. 

It doesn't get easier per se, but just different.   The grief will always be there... it will always be just as bad.   But as we allow ourselves to recover and we process the grief properly, we hope to create a bigger life around us.   The ideal picture is when you have a much bigger and richer life (when compared to pre-loss), that your grief will become smaller relative to the complete picture.  So even though it will always hurt and will always be painful, the other parts of your life will overshadow a bit of it.    I hope this makes sense.   

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50 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

This is so hard. 

I know it is. Be kind and patient with yourself. Our loss is such a traumatic experience and it takes a very long time to process and adapt:wub:

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

It doesn't get easier per se, but just different.   The grief will always be there... it will always be just as bad.   But as we allow ourselves to recover and we process the grief properly, we hope to create a bigger life around us.   The ideal picture is when you have a much bigger and richer life (when compared to pre-loss), that your grief will become smaller relative to the complete picture.  So even though it will always hurt and will always be painful, the other parts of your life will overshadow a bit of it.    I hope this makes sense.   

Yes it does make sense. I just don't see how it is possible to create a new life without him.

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27 minutes ago, KMB said:

I know it is. Be kind and patient with yourself. Our loss is such a traumatic experience and it takes a very long time to process and adapt:wub:

Thank you. I am having a hard time being nice to myself right now.

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3 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I just don't see how it is possible to create a new life without him.

I didn't either and I still don't. I am still in survivor mode. I have changed some routines around and added a couple new ones. This unwanted new life is trial and error. We essentially are going back to ground zero with being single and before we met our loved one. There is no easy fix it with this.

 

4 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I am having a hard time being nice to myself right now.

That isn't easy either. We are miserable. Our loved one took care of us. They made sure we took care of ourselves. We have to do it for them.

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10 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Yes it does make sense. I just don't see how it is possible to create a new life without him.

Yeah, I know.  I am no where close to seeing that at all.  I can't even visualize how that would be.  All I know is that is suppose to be the picture when we conquers this grief.  Seems like a mountain of impossibilities right now.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

I didn't either and I still don't. I am still in survivor mode. I have changed some routines around and added a couple new ones. This unwanted new life is trial and error. We essentially are going back to ground zero with being single and before we met our loved one. There is no easy fix it with this.

 

That isn't easy either. We are miserable. Our loved one took care of us. They made sure we took care of ourselves. We have to do it for them.

Exactly! It is so weird having to learn to be single. I have never been single. Except when I was a kid. I don't know how to learn that at 38. 

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Yeah, I know.  I am no where close to seeing that at all.  I can't even visualize how that would be.  All I know is that is suppose to be the picture when we conquers this grief.  Seems like a mountain of impossibilities right now.

Yes it seems impossible right now and I am definitely no where close. I don't even want to imagine the rest of my life without him.

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2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Exactly! It is so weird having to learn to be single. I have never been single. Except when I was a kid. I don't know how to learn that at 38. 

Same here.  I've been single before while I was in college, but I haven't been single for a while.  I don't like this new life... not even the slightest bit.   I cringe when I think that after I overcome this grief, I still have to rebuild my life.  I'm not looking forward to this.   Why did they leave us!!??

It's 9pm here and I just got home, settled it, and got on the computer.  I'm beginning to feel a wave of grief here.   It's getting rocky.   My wife is suppose to be here with me.  We're always home together in the evening.    I feel so sad.  Especially when I know that she'll never be here with me again.   I can't even imagine that right now.... but I know it's true and I'm going to go through it.  When I'm at the 1 year mark, 5 year mark, 10 year mark, all the way to when I die.... she's never going to be here with me again, not in this lifetime.   

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

Same here.  I've been single before while I was in college, but I haven't been single for a while.  I don't like this new life... not even the slightest bit.   I cringe when I think that after I overcome this grief, I still have to rebuild my life.  I'm not looking forward to this.   Why did they leave us!!??

It's 9pm here and I just got home, settled it, and got on the computer.  I'm beginning to feel a wave of grief here.   It's getting rocky.   My wife is suppose to be here with me.  We're always home together in the evening.    I feel so sad.  Especially when I know that she'll never be here with me again.   I can't even imagine that right now.... but I know it's true and I'm going to go through it.  When I'm at the 1 year mark, 5 year mark, 10 year mark, all the way to when I die.... she's never going to be here with me again, not in this lifetime.   

I had another sleepless night. My heart was racing so bad. My husband was always the one talked to about my day. He was the one who was always there for me when I was upset to get me through it. I don't know why they left us but it's not fair. I am sad and angry and confused and don't want to do this without him. Life is so horrible without them. 

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Another sad depressing day. They are already talking about the holiday party at work in December. I can't go with my husband and it sucks so bad. It's so unfair. 

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Hang in there, Patti. I know it is unfair and it is worse than tough to get through each day and night alone. It is an accomplishment just to be able to go to work. Is there anyone who could stay with you at night or on the weekends? It does help to have someone around. Or have someone call you at a certain time at night just to listen?

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15 minutes ago, KMB said:

Hang in there, Patti. I know it is unfair and it is worse than tough to get through each day and night alone. It is an accomplishment just to be able to go to work. Is there anyone who could stay with you at night or on the weekends? It does help to have someone around. Or have someone call you at a certain time at night just to listen?

We are legal guardians of a 17 year old. Which we consider our daughter. She has a busy schedule between school, marching band and work. My sister and brother in law were renting a room from us so they live with me to. It's still not the same and I still feel alone. I want my husband to be there.

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3 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

It's still not the same and I still feel alone. I want my husband to be there.

I know it is not the same. We all want our loved ones back home with us, where they belong. They were the ones who knew us inside out. We never felt lonely because they were there. We have no choice in the matter now, and it is a tough concept to acknowledge.

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2 minutes ago, KMB said:

I know it is not the same. We all want our loved ones back home with us, where they belong. They were the ones who knew us inside out. We never felt lonely because they were there. We have no choice in the matter now, and it is a tough concept to acknowledge.

Very tough and I hate that it's our reality.

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4 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Very tough and I hate that it's our reality.

I hate it too. We grow up being taught everything else. But, no one teaches us about death and how to cope. No one talks about it. Death is still a taboo subject in society.

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6 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I had another sleepless night. My heart was racing so bad. My husband was always the one talked to about my day. He was the one who was always there for me when I was upset to get me through it. I don't know why they left us but it's not fair. I am sad and angry and confused and don't want to do this without him. Life is so horrible without them. 

I had a bad night as well.   I recall waking up in the middle of the night because of it.   Feels so unfortunate to no longer have my wife at bedside to give me the comfort that things will be OK.  But instead, I'm in a dark house all alone, all by myself.    This new life is sad and terrible.   At the present moment, I'm so sad that I can't even think about my wife no longer being here.  I don't want to think about it.

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2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Another sad depressing day. They are already talking about the holiday party at work in December. I can't go with my husband and it sucks so bad. It's so unfair. 

Screw the holidays. That's how I feel.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through. Everyone will be with their loved ones. For me, no one will be here.  It's going to be bad.

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17 minutes ago, KMB said:

I hate it too. We grow up being taught everything else. But, no one teaches us about death and how to cope. No one talks about it. Death is still a taboo subject in society.

This is very true.  Even after the fact, some choose not to talk about it.  They put a lid on the subject.  Thinking that time itself, will push the grief monster away.   Frankly, I think it will resurface at a later time, likely with a vengeance.  

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On 10/10/2017 at 9:04 AM, Azipod said:

I made a shadow box last night in my Art Therapy class.   It expresses these feelings exactly...

IMG_5147.thumb.jpg.faaa11b1d2ce197f2ead07b1e7e54872.jpg

I found aet therapy to be a very authentic way to express yourself, it really help me identify my feelings and goals.

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19 hours ago, Patti14 said:
20 hours ago, KMB said:

I know it is. Be kind and patient with yourself. Our loss is such a traumatic experience and it takes a very long time to process and adapt:wub:

Thank you. I am having a hard time being nice to myself right now.

It's so important.  We've lost the one person in the world who would take care of us...now it's up to us to do it.  Treat yourself like a best friend...it's going to be important to learn to BE your best friend, for your survival.  Remember that you are valuable and deserving.  Our loss doesn't define us, our love does and that still exists.

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19 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Yes it does make sense. I just don't see how it is possible to create a new life without him.

It's too soon for you. Right now it is taking everything within you to try and process this...it took me a good three years to process it.  Years more perhaps you can create a life you can live.  Realistically, it's nothing like our old lives, that is gone.  But something you can do.  Comparisons do not help.

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15 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Screw the holidays. That's how I feel.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through. Everyone will be with their loved ones. For me, no one will be here.  It's going to be bad.

And it's okay to skip it, people should understand.  My husband died on Father's day.  I made it through 4th of July, Labor Day (a big day in our family), my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's day...and when I got to Easter I major rebelled.  I couldn't do it!  I talked to my kids about how I felt and they were totally understanding.  I didn't go to church, I treated it like any other day.  I had my kids up for a nice dinner a week later and none of us brought up Easter.  

People just need to understand, but even if they don't it's okay to put your feelings first and handle the day in however way you deem best.

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32 minutes ago, KMB said:

I hate it too. We grow up being taught everything else. But, no one teaches us about death and how to cope. No one talks about it. Death is still a taboo subject in society.

That's so true.  It leaves us ill prepared for it when it comes.  Come it will, we just don't know when.

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6 minutes ago, KayC said:

Realistically, it's nothing like our old lives, that is gone.  But something you can do.  Comparisons do not help.

I know this is true.  I'm being told that by the facilitator in my support group.... now I'm hearing you confirming it too, KayC.

The thought about my "old life" being gone is so scary.  It is.  My wife and I just started our life together.  Things were just getting getting into place and we were comfortably settling down.  Now, that is gone.  It's hard to accept, but I know it's true.

I cannot imagine what my new life would looks like.  I know it's too early for me to see.  But the thought about it is so so scary.

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I know, it makes me cry for all of you because I know the reality all too well.  I only know that in the 12 years since, nothing about my life is the same, it's been brought home to me more and more the years go by and I encounter things I have to now go through by myself.

It seems the only ones that avoid this is the ones that remarry happily.  I have a friend who did that.  I'm very glad for her, but I don't expect to ever meet anyone in the same ballpark as my George, he was just so perfect for me.  We were perfect together.  Sigh...

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3 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I cannot imagine what my new life would looks like.  I know it's too early for me to see.  But the thought about it is so so scary.

It IS scary. It is so unknown. I'm going into my 2nd year and I still don't have a clue. I'm still in survivor mode. Maybe I always will be. I just don't know.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I had a bad night as well.   I recall waking up in the middle of the night because of it.   Feels so unfortunate to no longer have my wife at bedside to give me the comfort that things will be OK.  But instead, I'm in a dark house all alone, all by myself.    This new life is sad and terrible.   At the present moment, I'm so sad that I can't even think about my wife no longer being here.  I don't want to think about it.

I know what you mean it's a constant sadness and so painful. You don't want to think about it anymore but your mind won't let you stop.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's too soon for you. Right now it is taking everything within you to try and process this...it took me a good three years to process it.  Years more perhaps you can create a life you can live.  Realistically, it's nothing like our old lives, that is gone.  But something you can do.  Comparisons do not help.

I can't even imagine years without him trying to process this. I know my life will never be the same. I keep thinking there has to be a way to bring him back and see him again. I know there's not and that is to hard to accept.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's so important.  We've lost the one person in the world who would take care of us...now it's up to us to do it.  Treat yourself like a best friend...it's going to be important to learn to BE your best friend, for your survival.  Remember that you are valuable and deserving.  Our loss doesn't define us, our love does and that still exists.

I can't help but feel guilty for everything I do without him. I can't watch TV shows we watched together, I can't eat food he liked. I want him to be a part of it all. 

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

It IS scary. It is so unknown. I'm going into my 2nd year and I still don't have a clue. I'm still in survivor mode. Maybe I always will be. I just don't know.

It is very scary

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20 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I can't help but feel guilty for everything I do without him. I can't watch TV shows we watched together, I can't eat food he liked. I want him to be a part of it all. 

Hi Patti.  Are there any grief-support groups in your area to join?  Also, you should consider counseling too.   Those have helped me greatly in processing my grief.

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45 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Hi Patti.  Are there any grief-support groups in your area to join?  Also, you should consider counseling too.   Those have helped me greatly in processing my grief.

I went to a grief share group last night at a church. It was small only 3 other people besides the people who ran it. It seemed to help a little for a second while I was there. Nobody in that group had lost a spouse though. I need to find a bigger group to go to but I am not having any luck. I went to a counselor once a week after it happened. He had been our family counselor when we needed counseling for the daughter we have legal guardianship of. It was to hard because we always went together. He was the one who did most of the talking and joking. It was a fun experience with him. We learned a lot for all of us there. So it was to painful without him.

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

I can't help but feel guilty for everything I do without him. I can't watch TV shows we watched together, I can't eat food he liked. I want him to be a part of it all. 

I had a hard time with this as well. I still do, depending on what it is. Like KayC said, carry your husband with you. He IS still with you, even though you cannot see or hear him. It took me months before I could watch our usual tv programs, but now I imagine him still here, because I know he is, and watching tv with me. Same goes with eating or anything else.  It is not as easy as it sounds, I know. But, it does help with coping, just a little.

You know your husband better than anyone. He wouldn't wish for you to stop living, eating, anything, just because he is not physically here. 

i just picture my husband had to go on a long journey without me and that he is up ahead, around a very long curve and someday I will catch up to him.

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10 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I need to find a bigger group to go to but I am not having any luck.

I lucked out with contacting a local hospice office. You might want to inquire with hospitals, hospices, palliative care or even nursing homes. Somebody should have more info for you.

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6 minutes ago, KMB said:

I had a hard time with this as well. I still do, depending on what it is. Like KayC said, carry your husband with you. He IS still with you, even though you cannot see or hear him. It took me months before I could watch our usual tv programs, but now I imagine him still here, because I know he is, and watching tv with me. Same goes with eating or anything else.  It is not as easy as it sounds, I know. But, it does help with coping, just a little.

You know your husband better than anyone. He wouldn't wish for you to stop living, eating, anything, just because he is not physically here. 

i just picture my husband had to go on a long journey without me and that he is up ahead, around a very long curve and someday I will catch up to him.

Thank you I hope I can look at it that way some day. I know our love is still there. I just don't feel him there. I have 2 voicemails from him I have been listening to off and on all day. I still can't believe he is really not coming back.

 

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4 minutes ago, KMB said:

I lucked out with contacting a local hospice office. You might want to inquire with hospitals, hospices, palliative care or even nursing homes. Somebody should have more info for you.

I looked on the Hospice website and I couldn't find anything for all widows. It looked like they had one for men and one for the loss of a child. I guess I need to call them.

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Patti,   I hope you find a support group. I only had access to the one. 3 men there who lost their wives. Two were recent, like mine, and the other had a loss 3 years prior and actually related to my husband way down the line somewhere. He lost his wife to cancer and was still finding it hard in adjusting to living alone .One other woman who had lost an aunt. I went for 4 months and for myself, I preferred the small group.

Support groups for specific type of loss is hard to find. Maybe the bigger cities have those resources. I had to factor in driving time since I live in the middle of no where and I'm not  a fan with night driving anymore either.

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4 minutes ago, KMB said:

Patti,   I hope you find a support group. I only had access to the one. 3 men there who lost their wives. Two were recent, like mine, and the other had a loss 3 years prior and actually related to my husband way down the line somewhere. He lost his wife to cancer and was still finding it hard in adjusting to living alone .One other woman who had lost an aunt. I went for 4 months and for myself, I preferred the small group.

Support groups for specific type of loss is hard to find. Maybe the bigger cities have those resources. I had to factor in driving time since I live in the middle of no where and I'm not  a fan with night driving anymore either.

This is a pretty big area I am just having trouble finding some support groups. 

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2 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I am just having trouble finding some support groups. 

Keep searching and hopefully you will luck out.  This forum and your grief family here are better than nothing. You have us!:wub:

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36 minutes ago, KMB said:

Keep searching and hopefully you will luck out.  This forum and your grief family here are better than nothing. You have us!:wub:

Thank you I appreciate that. Coming on this forum helps me get through the day a little bit.

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24 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Coming on this forum helps me get through the day a little bit.

It has become my life line here. It is a support group.  One we can come to anytime.  We can't sit next to each other, face to face. We can't hug or reach out for your hand. But, we are still here, and we can send virtual hugs!

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26 minutes ago, KMB said:

It has become my life line here. It is a support group.  One we can come to anytime.  We can't sit next to each other, face to face. We can't hug or reach out for your hand. But, we are still here, and we can send virtual hugs!

Yes and I find myself coming here multiple times throughout the day.

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Another lonely night in my empty bed without the sound of my husband laying next to me. Trying to get some rest but my heart won't stop racing. It's so quiet without him here. I have had a headache for days. 

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