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It hurts so bad


Patti14

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How do I deal with this. My chest has not stopped hurting since my husband passed away. I feel so alone even with .y sister here. I just don't know how to deal with this.

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Patti,  I am sorry for your loss. I read your posts earlier today, but I was not in the right frame of mind to be able to respond. I had a really bad start to the day. I haven't had a day quite this bad  since the beginning  months of this grief road. Grieving is compared to a roller coaster and that is exactly the way it is. it is also making steps forward and sliding backwards, many, many times.

None of us know how to deal with our loss. We just take it one day at a time. We learn what to do for ourselves in coping, through trial and error.

My chest hurt constantly also. You are very fresh with your loss. That chest pain does ease after awhile. I would suggest going to your doctor and finding out what they have to say though, just in case you might need something for anxiety or sleeping.

I'm glad you have your sister with you. It helps to have as many supporting people as you can handle. My daughter stayed with me for the first week. I don't know how I could have managed without her here. Just having another physical presence around was so beneficial. She had to go back to work for another month and then she was able to come and stay for another week.

Keep coming here. Whether just to read posts or express your thoughts and feelings when you feel up to it. This is a safe, non judging family here. We are all here for you.

Sending you prayers for peace and eventual comfort---------

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I am sorry for your loss. Thank you I appreciate it. I hate that we all have to go through this pain. It helps a little talking with people who can relate.

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Patti,   Only those that have been through it, understand.  I know of no one in my life who has lost their partner. Since my husband was older, a lot of our friends are in their 50's, ( my age bracket) and 60's and 70's. They still have their partners. I still question the "why me" when I think about everyone I know.

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I never thought I would be a widow at 38 years old. My husband was only 47. People try to be supportive but your right nobody truly understands unless they have been through it. I hope they never have to find out.

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I hope no one else I know will find out what this is like either. But, it will happen. Someone's partner is going to die first. It is inevitable. It is very rare for a couple to go together or in a very short time of the other.

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6 hours ago, Patti14 said:

How do I deal with this. My chest has not stopped hurting since my husband passed away. I feel so alone even with .y sister here. I just don't know how to deal with this.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know too well your pain.  When I lost my Charles, everything ached; every part of my mind, my body, my heat and my soul; every cell in my body ached from the tips of my hair to the tips of my toes.  It was almost as if every cell within me was screaming in protest - that this couldn't be real; that it's not true.  But it was and it is true.  My new reality.  A reality that I find myself crying most of the time; but more than that, a reality that leaves me suffering with a sadness that overwhelms my entire body, leaving my heart aching and my stomach empty.  A sadness that makes me feel weak and tired and yet I can't sleep because the sadness is in my dreams too;  a sadness I can't seem to escape from.

You're grieving and it just might get worst before it gets any better.  Time will pass and you may think you've gotten over it, but it isn't something you get over; you learn to live with it.  You go on with it lodged in you.  Sometimes you'll feel like you swallowed a pile of stones.  Grief can make you heavy; it may make you slow.   There may be  days when you laugh, dance, or finish a project, meet a deadline, celebrate or just let loose, it is there - lodged deep inside of you. Everyday it takes on a new face and, for me, one of the ways I'm trying to get through it is not by forgetting my Charles, but by remembering him. Grief never goes away completely, but after a while, it is not so overwhelming.

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I know all to well those feelings. Everything you have felt I feel. I keep telling myself it can't be real but it is real and I don't know how to deal with that.

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7 hours ago, KMB said:

I hope no one else I know will find out what this is like either. But, it will happen. Someone's partner is going to die first. It is inevitable. It is very rare for a couple to go together or in a very short time of the other.

I know one old couple, who lived near our house, both were in their 80's. First wife passed and after 15 days her husband passed away. 

My husband grandparents also lived 80+, first his grandfather passed and after one year his grandmother passed, they spent 60+ years together, how lucky they were. I always thought that my husband also going to live at least 80+ but my assumption was so so wrong.

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They are lucky to have all that time together. I thought my husband would live that long to. Assumptions are definitely wrong. I never thought I would have to experience a pain like this at such a young age.

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1 hour ago, Patti14 said:

They are lucky to have all that time together. I thought my husband would live that long to. Assumptions are definitely wrong. I never thought I would have to experience a pain like this at such a young age.

I didn't imagine either that I will loose my 30 year handsome, healthy husband bcs of shitty chickenpox, I mean who can imagine to die from Chickenpox.

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Patti,

I responded in your other thread you started.  I'm just so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you have your sister there for you.  It will take time, right now it's hard for you to even conceive of this, it's a huge shock.

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I am in shock and having a hard time believing he is gone. It is pure torture trying to get through the day.

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13 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I know one old couple, who lived near our house, both were in their 80's. First wife passed and after 15 days her husband passed away. 

My husband grandparents also lived 80+, first his grandfather passed and after one year his grandmother passed, they spent 60+ years together, how lucky they were.

When elderly couples pass fairly soon of one another, it is usually due to medical conditions that escalate due to the stress and loneliness of grieving. In some of those instances, it is also due to no family support. Some families don't make time for their elderly parents and grandparents. It is sad all the way around.

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11 hours ago, Patti14 said:

. I thought my husband would live that long to

I thought my husband would have at least another 10 years, despite his health conditions. He had made it through quad bypass surgery. I could have lost him then, but he recovered and was back to work inside 2 months. His conditions were being kept monitored, his meds, his diet. Genetics does play a part also. Whatever, there is no going back.  This sucks big time.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I thought my husband would have at least another 10 years, despite his health conditions. He had made it through quad bypass surgery. I could have lost him then, but he recovered and was back to work inside 2 months. His conditions were being kept monitored, his meds, his diet. Genetics does play a part also. Whatever, there is no going back.  This sucks big time.

That is for sure it sucks bad. My husband was adopted so we have no idea what is birth parents health was. Both of his adopted are both still alive. The thing I have noticed about this is we all have experienced the same feelings.

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25 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

The thing I have noticed about this is we all have experienced the same feelings.

There is no escaping the feelings and thoughts that are common with losing someone special.  Thank goodness we have our grief family here. Family and friends who have never dealt with the loss of a life partner are not able to "get it".

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2 minutes ago, KMB said:

There is no escaping the feelings and thoughts that are common with losing someone special.  Thank goodness we have our grief family here. Family and friends who have never dealt with the loss of a life partner are not able to "get it".

No they don't get it and I don't wish it on anyone. It is the worst thing to ever go through.

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Patti,

i am so sad that you've joined this club of ours. It sucks and there is no way around it. Keep people close by and take it a moment at a time. 

My wife died 3 weeks ago today. I'm 50 and she was 45. I still hurt every moment of every day. It's definitely the most pain I've ever felt and it's brutal. Go easy on yourself and know that this is the beginning. 

Im not trying to be pessimistic. You have to know that tough times exist now and are also down the road. It's not fair and it will never make sense to any of us. 

I wish you peace and healing. Keep coming here. It will help. 

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9 hours ago, Paluka said:

Patti,

i am so sad that you've joined this club of ours. It sucks and there is no way around it. Keep people close by and take it a moment at a time. 

My wife died 3 weeks ago today. I'm 50 and she was 45. I still hurt every moment of every day. It's definitely the most pain I've ever felt and it's brutal. Go easy on yourself and know that this is the beginning. 

Im not trying to be pessimistic. You have to know that tough times exist now and are also down the road. It's not fair and it will never make sense to any of us. 

I wish you peace and healing. Keep coming here. It will help. 

I am sorry for your loss as well. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I lost the love of my life. It is the worst pain and I do realize more is to come. How can it not when you lose the most important part of you. I hope you find peace as well.

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43 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I am sorry for your loss as well. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I lost the love of my life. It is the worst pain and I do realize more is to come. How can it not when you lose the most important part of you. I hope you find peace as well.

This is too early for you, I don't remember my first few weeks. I don't know how i made this far, its 3 months for me and I am still alive its surprising for me. Without that man i couldn't survive few minutes if we both in home  and now I survived 3 months this is so strange.

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4 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

This is too early for you, I don't remember my first few weeks. I don't know how i made this far, its 3 months for me and I am still alive its surprising for me. Without that man i couldn't survive few minutes if we both in home  and now I survived 3 months this is so strange.

I know what you mean. We were always together. The longest I have ever been away from him is a week. Now it's been 2 weeks since he has been gone. 

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9 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I know what you mean. We were always together. The longest I have ever been away from him is a week. Now it's been 2 weeks since he has been gone. 

The longest we separated was 2-3 days, my friends used to tease me that don't you guys bore with each other, you both always together and i told them that's the most lovely part , we always together, we enjoy each other's company and now he is gone alone , we should go together.

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10 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

The longest we separated was 2-3 days, my friends used to tease me that don't you guys bore with each other, you both always together and i told them that's the most lovely part , we always together, we enjoy each other's company and now he is gone alone , we should go together.

Yes you should be. We should be with the ones we love. Now we have to figure out how to make it through each day without them. I hope we can find peace eventually I just don't know.

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Patti,

i apologize for coming across so negative in my earlier post. It's been an especially rough couple of days for me. I want you to know that I truly feel for you. Lauri and I spent only one night apart from one another. I have been waking up screaming, crying or both. 

I feel beat up and helpless which is the polar opposite from my normal state of existence. It's disorienting. 

I will offer that I have been able to remember some things with a little laughter. My son and I wear the same size and brand of dress shorts. Lauri never knew whose shorts belonged to whom. I did laundry and noticed something written on the tag inside some shorts. It said "sugar," which meant the shorts were mine. :)  We find little reminders like this and we smile. 

Two books I have been reading:

when your soulmate dies by Alan wolfelt, and 

i wasn't ready to say goodbye by Noel and Blair.

both are very good, especially for sudden, unexpected deaths.

take care!

 

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25 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Patti,

i apologize for coming across so negative in my earlier post. It's been an especially rough couple of days for me. I want you to know that I truly feel for you. Lauri and I spent only one night apart from one another. I have been waking up screaming, crying or both. 

I feel beat up and helpless which is the polar opposite from my normal state of existence. It's disorienting. 

I will offer that I have been able to remember some things with a little laughter. My son and I wear the same size and brand of dress shorts. Lauri never knew whose shorts belonged to whom. I did laundry and noticed something written on the tag inside some shorts. It said "sugar," which meant the shorts were mine. :)  We find little reminders like this and we smile. 

Two books I have been reading:

when your soulmate dies by Alan wolfelt, and 

i wasn't ready to say goodbye by Noel and Blair.

both are very good, especially for sudden, unexpected deaths.

take care!

 

No need to apologize this is a negative situation for all of us. We all understand that. I feel the exact same way. I haven't even had a dream about him and wish I would. I will have to look into those books.

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

When elderly couples pass fairly soon of one another, it is usually due to medical conditions that escalate due to the stress and loneliness of grieving. In some of those instances, it is also due to no family support. Some families don't make time for their elderly parents and grandparents. It is sad all the way around.

That's what I was thinking when I read about this subject in another thread.  Older people are in a more frail state to start with so when something like this hits, it can send their body over the edge and that's why it's more likely for older people to die after loss than it is for younger people.  Sorry, I'm afraid we're out of luck you guys.

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