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Patti14

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10 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I have so much longer to go.   Even though I keep telling everyone else on here to live in the moment, I still worry about myself.

I worry about myself too. If only it was as easy to follow our own advice, suggestions and encouragement to others. I probably have another 20 or 30 odd years to go. Who really knows? We generally don't know how or when. I mean, some people do know how, those with illness and diseases and an estimate on the when. But, most of us just don't know. Only God knows those answers. We could get hit head on in a traffic accident tomorrow or have a fatal bolt of lightening strike us. With winter coming, we could have a heart attack shoveling snow. We just don't know.

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

A lot of it depends on the doctor/clinic/hospital system itself. My husband and I lucked out with being involved with a medical service where full medical history,  and lab results are accessible online. I taught myself how to read the lab results. I also learned how to read the facial expressions of the doctors and nurses, reading between the lines of what they said or didn't say. They do not tell you everything, unless you push and question. My husband had heart surgery, but there was already damage that could not be reversed. We were just buying time in sustaining his quality of life. I know that the last several months my husband's labs were looking worse. Some of the numbers were steadily going up higher. The cardio doctor basically said there was nothing more that could be done for the heart itself. He told my husband to focus on his kidney functioning and maybe dialysis would help take the extra work load off his heart. I was the one more proactive with my husband's health. I wish that he had been also. But, I came to understand my husband's reasoning. I didn't agree with it, but I accepted it. His mother was also diabetic and cardiac arrest ended her life. My husband figured it was just fate that his health was going to go the same way. I've learned some more medical things after my husband passed. That old hindsight stuff. I so wish we could go back several years and do some things differently. When I do reflect on all the medical stuff, I console myself that my husband is free from suffering with a physical body that was breaking down, letting him down. He is at peace and free.

My husband was to have a five bypass the next day but didn't live long enough.  I doubt he would have lived through it but who knows.  His heart had already sustained irreversible damage from six months ago, only we hadn't known it.  He was puzzled by his tiredness and symptoms, the doctor did nothing, just nothing.  Later it all made sense, but when it was evolving, we didn't realize.

Yesterday would have been our anniversary.  No one in the family seems to remember.  It's like I remember him alone, that was the most important day to both of us.

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13 hours ago, KMB said:

I worry about myself too. If only it was as easy to follow our own advice, suggestions and encouragement to others. I probably have another 20 or 30 odd years to go. Who really knows? We generally don't know how or when. I mean, some people do know how, those with illness and diseases and an estimate on the when. But, most of us just don't know. Only God knows those answers. We could get hit head on in a traffic accident tomorrow or have a fatal bolt of lightening strike us. With winter coming, we could have a heart attack shoveling snow. We just don't know.

Today I got the news that a friend died last night.  She hadn't been well but she'd always pulled through.  I was going to go see her in the hospital but she died beforehand.  While we're all going to miss her, I feel envious.

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2 minutes ago, KayC said:

Today I got the news that a friend died last night.  She hadn't been well but she'd always pulled through.  I was going to go see her in the hospital but she died beforehand.  While we're all going to miss her, I feel envious.

I completely understand where you are coming from KayC. I'm not suicidal or anything but I sure wouldn't upset if I woke up with Lauri instead of in my home.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Yesterday would have been our anniversary.  No one in the family seems to remember.  It's like I remember him alone, that was the most important day to both of us.

Hi KayC.  I hope you had an uneventful anniversary.  Thank you for your kindness and for supporting all of us newbies here.   As much as we are hurting, we all think have moments where we think about you too.   Thanks for all that you do.

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I completely understand where you are coming from KayC. I'm not suicidal or anything but I sure wouldn't upset if I woke up with Lauri instead of in my home.

I'm not suicidal either.  But I find your thought to be "beautiful."   There is nothing more beautiful next to marriage, than to be able to leave this earth and be with our partner/spouse.  It's a wonderful thought.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Yesterday would have been our anniversary.  No one in the family seems to remember.  It's like I remember him alone, that was the most important day to both of us.

I'm so sorry Kay. Did you honor you and George's anniversary in some way? It is hurtful isn't it, when we are sometimes the only one to remember the special days. No one in the family remembered Ed's birthday or our anniversary this year. Makes me feel so sad that I seem to be the only one who still misses him and honors those days.Makes me realize how alone some of us stand in our grieving.

Sorry to read of your friends passing. I don't blame you for feeling envious. I can relate also to Paluka's statement about wanting to wake up to his Lauri instead of his home. i think the same thing every night, if only I could wake up and find myself with Ed in Heaven, along with our 2 pets here, of course. Back to being our own little family. It is all that my heart desires.

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

My husband was to have a five bypass the next day but didn't live long enough.  I doubt he would have lived through it but who knows.  His heart had already sustained irreversible damage from six months ago, only we hadn't known it.  He was puzzled by his tiredness and symptoms, the doctor did nothing, just nothing.  Later it all made sense, but when it was evolving, we didn't realize.

Yesterday would have been our anniversary.  No one in the family seems to remember.  It's like I remember him alone, that was the most important day to both of us.

I know how hard getting through an anniversary is. I know the feeling of feeling like you are remembering them alone. Hugs!

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Hi there  my sweetheart went to heaven on 9-29-17.  I still sit in disbelief And I am a medical professional.  Besides God, I have no one to talk to.  I had a few good days but the last week has been horrible.   Sleeping maybe 3 hours a night. I walk around in a daze. I hold his shirts and smell him.  I am so lost.  I understand what you are going through 

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21 hours ago, KayC said:

My husband was to have a five bypass the next day but didn't live long enough.  I doubt he would have lived through it but who knows.  His heart had already sustained irreversible damage from six months ago, only we hadn't known it.  He was puzzled by his tiredness and symptoms, the doctor did nothing, just nothing.  Later it all made sense, but when it was evolving, we didn't realize.

Yesterday would have been our anniversary.  No one in the family seems to remember.  It's like I remember him alone, that was the most important day to both of us.

So sorry to hear that Kay . Sometimes I wonder which is worst losing your spouse suddenly or slow death of illness? Mine was sudden and I can't let go of the shoulda/woulda/coulda thing . But everytime I come and read all your post I realize no matter the cause of death we feel same things for our lost. 

Sorry about your Anniversary. I know I shouldn't expect from others now but I was just talking to my mom last night about his 1st Anniversary and I decided to purchase a commemorative tree in his name. He loved nature and I think that's perfect in remembering him.  

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3 hours ago, Sadtweety said:

Hi there  my sweetheart went to heaven on 9-29-17.  I still sit in disbelief And I am a medical professional.  Besides God, I have no one to talk to.  I had a few good days but the last week has been horrible.   Sleeping maybe 3 hours a night. I walk around in a daze. I hold his shirts and smell him.  I am so lost.  I understand what you are going through 

I am sorry that we all have this in common. I walk around in a daze to. I hold my husband's shirt to.  I am waiting for an easier days it just hasn't happened yet.

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3 hours ago, Sadtweety said:

Hi there  my sweetheart went to heaven on 9-29-17.  I still sit in disbelief And I am a medical professional.  Besides God, I have no one to talk to.  I had a few good days but the last week has been horrible.   Sleeping maybe 3 hours a night. I walk around in a daze. I hold his shirts and smell him.  I am so lost.  I understand what you are going through 

Hi Sadsweety

Im so sorry for your loss. Breaks my heart to see a new member in this forum but somehow glad that you found this site. All I can say is that you will need all the strength and faith to somehow make your small steps forward. Keep praying and people here will encourage, inspire, motivate and give you new insights about what we are facing and about to face. 

Hugs 

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Lostwithoutmyhusband
3 hours ago, Sadtweety said:

Hi there  my sweetheart went to heaven on 9-29-17.  I still sit in disbelief And I am a medical professional.  Besides God, I have no one to talk to.  I had a few good days but the last week has been horrible.   Sleeping maybe 3 hours a night. I walk around in a daze. I hold his shirts and smell him.  I am so lost.  I understand what you are going through 

I am in the same situation right now. I hold his shirts, his jacket and I sleep with his ashes. I thought once I brought them home I would feel at ease some but it has made it even harder then it was before. I lay there every night talking to him, asking him to wait for me and not leave until I can be with him again. That is one of the hardest parts to think about cause even though I want to be with him I know that I can not leave my kids behind yet, so it may be many years before I can join him. I am not a big religious person but I do hope there is an afterlife so that I can be with him again one day. He is the love of my life and honestly if it wasn't for my kids I would have no reason to live anymore.

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10 hours ago, Sadtweety said:

Hi there  my sweetheart went to heaven on 9-29-17.  I still sit in disbelief And I am a medical professional.  Besides God, I have no one to talk to.  I had a few good days but the last week has been horrible.   Sleeping maybe 3 hours a night. I walk around in a daze. I hold his shirts and smell him.  I am so lost.  I understand what you are going through 

Oh my goodness I know how you feel. Even now, after about 4 months since losing my husband, sleep is awfully hard to come by. The first two, three weeks, a month or so after my husband died I'd get up after sleeping a couple of hours and sit at the table and shake. Fortunately, even though my sleep is awful, I am pretty much over the shakes. I still have nights when I hold the last shirt he wore while he was still at home. It just breaks my heart.

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I pretty much had a hard time just surviving the day with all of the stress I'm under.  I spent $1400 on firewood, $3000 on a new wood stove, my son and his friend worked hard installing it, and then just 1 1/2 weeks later it wasn't working.  I was afraid it was the catalytic combuster and I felt so discouraged, between that and my computer issues...I just got my roof situation straightened out after several contractors, it seems it's always something and I was thinking if George was here he'd handle all this and I'd be in the kitchen making him sugar free cookies.  I talked to my son last night and he figured out it was just the thermostat hadn't been screwed in tightly at the factory and it was moving inside so when I thought it was on high it was actually on low.  He's going to give me a tool to tighten it with and I'll figure out the settings from there.

Anyway, days like I've had lately feel overwhelming and I'm just glad to have the week behind me.  

I think planting a tree in your spouse' memory sounds like a great idea.  We planted pine trees while he was alive and some didn't make it but there's a couple that hung on.

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11 hours ago, Lostwithoutmyhusband said:

I am in the same situation right now. I hold his shirts, his jacket and I sleep with his ashes. I thought once I brought them home I would feel at ease some but it has made it even harder then it was before. I lay there every night talking to him, asking him to wait for me and not leave until I can be with him again. That is one of the hardest parts to think about cause even though I want to be with him I know that I can not leave my kids behind yet, so it may be many years before I can join him. I am not a big religious person but I do hope there is an afterlife so that I can be with him again one day. He is the love of my life and honestly if it wasn't for my kids I would have no reason to live anymore.

I know how you feel I sleep with my husband's shirt to. It is so hard I feel like I am going crazy. I miss him so much. I really hope there is an afterlife to. I really hope I get to be with him again. I can't stand the thought of never getting to be with him again.

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Sadtweety, it always makes me more sad when I see new members. I am sorry for your loss. It is inconceivable when we find our soul mate and one moment they are there and the next moment gone. It is so unfair! It has only been a few weeks for you and I remember my early days and weeks just like yesterday. I was in shock and had total brain fog. I don't know how I managed to get through those days, I really don't. I spent a lot of it hiding in bed and crying. What kept me going in between that was seeing to my husband's end of life wishes. Taking care of the high priority changes that I knew he would want for me to do. I left all the minor things for later and even then I was a crying mess at taking care of what I did. I still have a couple of things to change over yet but they can wait for a long time, I don't care.

Please know we understand and know what you are going through. There isn't any feeling or thought we haven't experienced ourselves. Only those who have lost a significant other truly "get it". We will be here for you.

Sending prayers for comfort, strength, love and peace.

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Maria,   Planting a tree in honor of your husband and his love of nature is perfect! That tree will stand for years along with his love and legacy.

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On 10/21/2017 at 9:21 AM, Lostwithoutmyhusband said:

I am in the same situation right now. I hold his shirts, his jacket and I sleep with his ashes. I thought once I brought them home I would feel at ease some but it has made it even harder then it was before. I lay there every night talking to him, asking him to wait for me and not leave until I can be with him again. That is one of the hardest parts to think about cause even though I want to be with him I know that I can not leave my kids behind yet, so it may be many years before I can join him. I am not a big religious person but I do hope there is an afterlife so that I can be with him again one day. He is the love of my life and honestly if it wasn't for my kids I would have no reason to live anymore.

I was/still am doing the same as you. I just recently spread my husband's ashes on special areas of our property. It has been a little over a year and I waited until I had the feeling it was time to set the rest of him free. I did keep a little of his ashes for future use for a pendant, etc.

I know how hard it is to feel like you got abandoned, left behind. I still think about that every day. But as you say, you have the kids to see to. Your husband would want for you to continue since the kids are part of his love and legacy. He will be proud of you for continuing on and trying. It is all any of us can do. Take it day by day and keep trying.

I believe in God and that Heaven/afterlife is where we go. No matter a person's beliefs, we need to hang onto what we can in order to see us through.

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Judy S.     I am sorry about your sleep issues. It is common for us, goes with the territory I guess. I still have sleep issues myself. I have been using sleep aids, but the past 4 nights they haven't been working. Maybe my body is getting immune to them, I don't know. I just know that I am worn out. Grieving is overwhelming and exhaustive.

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KayC,  Thinking of you as always and relieved that you were able to get a tough week behind you .Sending prayers for easier days for you.

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15 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I really hope there is an afterlife to. I really hope I get to be with him again. I can't stand the thought of never getting to be with him again.

There really is an afterlife. We will be reunited with our loved ones again. There is a whole lot more going on out there than this physical life. Hold that belief and your unconditional love of you and your loved one in your heart.

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On 10/21/2017 at 3:25 AM, Sadtweety said:

Hi there  my sweetheart went to heaven on 9-29-17.  I still sit in disbelief And I am a medical professional.  Besides God, I have no one to talk to.  I had a few good days but the last week has been horrible.   Sleeping maybe 3 hours a night. I walk around in a daze. I hold his shirts and smell him.  I am so lost.  I understand what you are going through 

Hi Sadtweety.   No one is ever ready to lose a spouse/partner.  Even if you prepare ahead, work in the field, or otherwise expect that the end date is near.... no one is ever ready.    Take good care of yourself and try to improve your sleep.   If you are well-rested, you will be in a better position to tackle the long years of grief ahead.   3 hours a night is not enough sleep.  I know it is new and you are working on this..... but try to get more rest.  

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On 10/21/2017 at 6:36 AM, Maria0419 said:

 Sometimes I wonder which is worst losing your spouse suddenly or slow death of illness?

I think they are all bad.   There's probably additional factors on top of the sudden or slow death.   I lost my wife suddenly.   In my situation, I don't think I would have want it any other way.  I cannot imagine watching my wife lose a bit of herself, slowly, day by day.   But again, that's me.  Someone else would probably say that they wouldn't be able to handle a sudden death of a loved one.

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

There really is an afterlife. We will be reunited with our loved ones again. There is a whole lot more going on out there than this physical life. Hold that belief and your unconditional love of you and your loved one in your heart.

I am trying to. Losing my husband has really made me question my beliefs. I hate it but just don't know about anything anymore.

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On 10/22/2017 at 10:12 AM, KMB said:

KayC,  Thinking of you as always and relieved that you were able to get a tough week behind you .Sending prayers for easier days for you.

Thanks, the tough week hasn't abated yet, super stressed last night trying to set up my computer, do the downloads, settings, etc. restoring data, after my son installed Windows 7...which corrupted Linux which is default, but I'm making it work.  He still has the laptop to do so I'll have to do it all over again.  It took me two hours just to get my bookmarks back on there, Chrome acted like they were gone even after signing in but finally it appeared and I exported them to the other browsers that I had to download.  Got AVG back.  Gosh it's a lot of work, like a new foreign computer!

Then today I've been haggling with the makers and sellers of my new wood stove whose thermostat is jostling around so you don't know if you're at the highest or lowest setting, the fire might go out or you might wake up to it 90 degrees!  Have someone coming out in nine days, a triumph!  IF they fix it.

Sometimes life is just a struggle and as I go through these things I can't help but remember how well George took care of me.  Sigh...

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes life is just a struggle and as I go through these things I can't help but remember how well George took care of me.  Sigh...

I hear you there!  I really thought my stepson was going to pick up the slack this summer of the bigger, harder things his dad always did. No such thing. I did my best to keep up with all the mowing and maintenance/repair chores by myself. My husband was the only one able to light a fire under his son's butt to get him to help out. He lives right next door and lives on the property for nothing. In exchange for not paying rent, he is supposed to help out with all the outside stuff. He only plowed out here 3 times last winter. Good thing I have a 4WD pickup that my husband bought for us.

You must have had computer classes? I either have to ask my son for help or take my pc in somewhere. Sounds like a lot of work for you, to get yours up and going the way you want it to. And I do hope you get your wood stove thermostat fixed right the first time. You will be seeing winter soon.

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

Thanks, the tough week hasn't abated yet, super stressed last night trying to set up my computer, do the downloads, settings, etc. restoring data, after my son installed Windows 7...which corrupted Linux which is default, but I'm making it work.  He still has the laptop to do so I'll have to do it all over again.  It took me two hours just to get my bookmarks back on there, Chrome acted like they were gone even after signing in but finally it appeared and I exported them to the other browsers that I had to download.  Got AVG back.  Gosh it's a lot of work, like a new foreign computer!

Then today I've been haggling with the makers and sellers of my new wood stove whose thermostat is jostling around so you don't know if you're at the highest or lowest setting, the fire might go out or you might wake up to it 90 degrees!  Have someone coming out in nine days, a triumph!  IF they fix it.

Sometimes life is just a struggle and as I go through these things I can't help but remember how well George took care of me.  Sigh...

I am sorry you are having such a tough time around the house. I know what you mean there is so much I took for granted that my husband did. He really wasn't a handy man type but he helped in so many ways. He did know air conditioning but everything else handy he always hired someone but he took care of it. He drove me to work everyday and picked me up after he got off work. He took me out to dinner all the time. He always told me how beautiful I was. He never judged me. He was so knowledge and taught me so much about life. I am the woman am because of my husband. I was 19 when I met him and he was 9 years older than me. He really brought me out of my shell . He is the reason I like so many different things food wise. I would have never tried so many different things if it for him. He is the one who took care of making sure our daughter was keeping up with her grades in school. I am a shy person but I was always so comfortable around him. He had so many stories and I miss him so much.

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12 hours ago, KMB said:

I hear you there!  I really thought my stepson was going to pick up the slack this summer of the bigger, harder things his dad always did. No such thing. I did my best to keep up with all the mowing and maintenance/repair chores by myself. My husband was the only one able to light a fire under his son's butt to get him to help out. He lives right next door and lives on the property for nothing. In exchange for not paying rent, he is supposed to help out with all the outside stuff. He only plowed out here 3 times last winter. Good thing I have a 4WD pickup that my husband bought for us.

You must have had computer classes? I either have to ask my son for help or take my pc in somewhere. Sounds like a lot of work for you, to get yours up and going the way you want it to. And I do hope you get your wood stove thermostat fixed right the first time. You will be seeing winter soon.

No, I'm just a "user", not a tech, but I've got my PC up and going.  I did get the company that sold me the wood stove to send a technician out on November 1st, and my son has told me what needs to be done, so I'm not going to allow him to merely tighten the knob, he needs to remove it, get the shank back into place, and THEN put the knob back on and tighten it.  I would have attempted it myself had it not required such a tiny allen wrench...I can't maneuver with my hands the way I need to with carpal tunnel and arthritis, no strength in them, and I'm afraid of stripping it, I just feel they should have had this correct to start with, that's why I paid them the big bucks!  That they're two hours away is their problem, it's a beautiful drive.  :) 

There is no one that takes up the slack for me since George died.  When I injured myself May 31st, that ended my yard work abilities, not sure I'll ever have that back again.  I need to find someone I can pay to do it, so far, no luck.  The one person that did that in our town was killed in an accident this summer.  Several neighbors have plows but they don't offer to do my driveway, I have to pace myself and shovel it out, it's a LOT of hard work!  I wonder if I'll still be doing this when I'm 80.  I got my truck back from my son and it's running great now, a little slow to start when it's cold (carburetor) but that's usual, and it has 4WD.  Still, NOT looking forward to winter!

Fortunately the weather will be low 60s this week (low 40s at night) so I can use my Edenpure heater to get by until my wood stove is fixed.

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2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am sorry you are having such a tough time around the house. I know what you mean there is so much I took for granted that my husband did. He really wasn't a handy man type but he helped in so many ways. He did know air conditioning but everything else handy he always hired someone but he took care of it. He drove me to work everyday and picked me up after he got off work. He took me out to dinner all the time. He always told me how beautiful I was. He never judged me. He was so knowledge and taught me so much about life. I am the woman am because of my husband. I was 19 when I met him and he was 9 years older than me. He really brought me out of my shell . He is the reason I like so many different things food wise. I would have never tried so many different things if it for him. He is the one who took care of making sure our daughter was keeping up with her grades in school. I am a shy person but I was always so comfortable around him. He had so many stories and I miss him so much.

Even just his hiring someone to do it is a huge load off you!  Yes, we miss them and everything they did for us.  We will continue to miss them the rest of our lives, that is the tribute to how wonderful they were to us!

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1 minute ago, KayC said:

Even just his hiring someone to do it is a huge load off you!  Yes, we miss them and everything they did for us.  We will continue to miss them the rest of our lives, that is the tribute to how wonderful they were to us!

Yes they were so wonderful. I was so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. The world was a better place with him in it. There were so many of us on here that were blessed with wonderful spouses. Then we were not so lucky having them taken from us.

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4 hours ago, Patti14 said:

 I am the woman am because of my husband. I was 19 when I met him and he was 9 years older than me. He really brought me out of my shell . He is the reason I like so many different things food wise. I would have never tried so many different things if it for him. He is the one who took care of making sure our daughter was keeping up with her grades in school. I am a shy person but I was always so comfortable around him. He had so many stories and I miss him so much.

Patti14 -- there is some beauty in grief.   I feel priviledged and honored to hear you share your feelings about your husband.   Each of our spouse/partner contributed to our life in a very profound way.   We recognize our capacity to love and how much care we have for our loved ones.    When we conquer this grief, we will be able to look back at our memories, and be able to cherish and reflect on them with a smile, as opposed to sadness.    All we can do now is continue to love our partner/spouse.   We will remember them.  They are still alive. They will be alive as long as we are alive, we will always remember them.

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6 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Patti14 -- there is some beauty in grief.   I feel priviledged and honored to hear you share your feelings about your husband.   Each of our spouse/partner contributed to our life in a very profound way.   We recognize our capacity to love and how much care we have for our loved ones.    When we conquer this grief, we will be able to look back at our memories, and be able to cherish and reflect on them with a smile, as opposed to sadness.    All we can do now is continue to love our partner/spouse.   We will remember them.  They are still alive. They will be alive as long as we are alive, we will always remember them.

I have so many beautiful memories with him and of him. I am just so sad and heart broken that there won't be any more memories.

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14 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I have so many beautiful memories with him and of him. I am just so sad and heart broken that there won't be any more memories.

I agree.  It is very sad and in many ways, we will forever be heart-broken.     Your beautiful memories will be your treasures.  They will resemble who you are, and who you are as a person after being wedded to your wonderful husband.   When you get to the point where you can shove some of the pain aside, and love yourself, you will reach that point where you can recognize you are where you today because of your husband.  You will remember how much he has contributed to your life, and how much you love him in return.  Those thoughts will give you some smiles.

It's never easy to say, but death is a part of life.  It happens to all of us, and it happens to everything.  There is "an end" for everything.   Each day, the sun will need to come down.  When we buy the most beautiful flowers, we know that at some time in the near future, they will be gone.  Same for our beloved pets.   Even our jobs, they are not going to be here forever, same for our friends, and unfortunately, our family and loved ones.    It's a bunch of hog-wash to understand right now.  But as we trot on and get to a higher place in our grief, we will soon be able to see that this is a part of life.   We too, will go one day and leave behind our loved ones.    The only uncertainty, is just when.

I carry on each day believing that as we and our loved ones will be reunited again once we get to cross the rainbow bridge.

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Hi All,

today I got out of bed.. that was a big step because I got stuck for almost 3 days.. yesterday I did a few things.. today I’m preparing for a trip to meet my brothers and sisters in law.. 

it seems that making myself do something helps.  But I know the problem is still not accepting his passing.. it’s only been 24 days. Every night I stand in front of his picture and touch his container where his remains are..I talk to him and I cry then I pray.. we always prayed together before bed. I have to share this because I found it so sad.. I have a black chest of drawers that his picture and remains are.. well yesterday I saw these streaks going down the front of the drawers.. it was from my tears..I could not only feel the pain but now I see it.  Of course I wiped them off because I hope there will be less eventually. 

But there seems to be a time for us to grieve and our hearts must know that eventually the pain will be different.. but for now we must feel our sorrow.. and make ourselves live.. that’s what our spouses want for us..I know my Rick would want the best for me.. 

thank you all... for talking.  If it wasn’t for this forum, my family and others I know.. I couldn’t have made it this far... and still be sane.

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11 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I agree.  It is very sad and in many ways, we will forever be heart-broken.     Your beautiful memories will be your treasures.  They will resemble who you are, and who you are as a person after being wedded to your wonderful husband.   When you get to the point where you can shove some of the pain aside, and love yourself, you will reach that point where you can recognize you are where you today because of your husband.  You will remember how much he has contributed to your life, and how much you love him in return.  Those thoughts will give you some smiles.

It's never easy to say, but death is a part of life.  It happens to all of us, and it happens to everything.  There is "an end" for everything.   Each day, the sun will need to come down.  When we buy the most beautiful flowers, we know that at some time in the near future, they will be gone.  Same for our beloved pets.   Even our jobs, they are not going to be here forever, same for our friends, and unfortunately, our family and loved ones.    It's a bunch of hog-wash to understand right now.  But as we trot on and get to a higher place in our grief, we will soon be able to see that this is a part of life.   We too, will go one day and leave behind our loved ones.    The only uncertainty, is just when.

I carry on each day believing that as we and our loved ones will be reunited again once we get to cross the rainbow bridge.

That is true it is a part of life and everything does go. It's the acceptance part that I am struggling with. I used to be a kind sweet person. Now I am just angry and bitter. I was happy and loved freely. It's so hard to realize I was happy a month ago. 

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

NOT looking forward to winter!

I am not either. Neighbors are not like they used to be. One of my neighbors bought an old pickup from my husband a few years ago and he has a plow on it. He didn't offer to plow for me last winter either.In fact, last winter, for the first time, he avoided coming back and forth on the road here. He does the plowing for the one church lot a few miles away. He is a member of the church and I wonder where his compassion is.

It sucks sometimes having to do things alone. With my daughter here and not interested in learning how to drive the 4WD, I'll probably have to drive her back and forth to work if we get too much snow. This surviving sure can keep life interesting at times.

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1 hour ago, SusieRicky said:

 If it wasn’t for this forum, my family and others I know.. I couldn’t have made it this far... and still be sane.

Totally get it. Getting out of bed is a major step. It was very hard for me to do that and sometimes still is. We do need to build ourselves some kind of a support system. I have very little with family/friends. That is why this forum is so important to me.

Try to appreciate and enjoy your time with your brothers and sisters in laws. If nothing else, the trip will be a slight distraction and fill some of the time in. I know it is not easy being with others when we are hurting, but we have to try and get away for a break once in awhile.

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2 hours ago, Patti14 said:

That is true it is a part of life and everything does go. It's the acceptance part that I am struggling with. I used to be a kind sweet person. Now I am just angry and bitter. I was happy and loved freely. It's so hard to realize I was happy a month ago. 

I know how you feel, Patti.   We've went a total 180-degrees after losing someone.  It's so difficult to take on but that's part of our life, unfortunately.   Don't worry about the "acceptance" part.  I know you are not worried, you just feel like it wasn't suppose to happen.  I know you feel like you're questioning why it happened, and how.    That's all normal.    As you process your grieve, and let out your emotions, your heart will find the strength and power to carry on.   As you continue along that path, you will naturally "accept" what has happened.

Just a note, we use the word accept for the most part, to "acknowledge" the loss.  When we say accept, we are in no way implying that we agree or consent to what happened.

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3 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

Hi All,

today I got out of bed.. that was a big step because I got stuck for almost 3 days.. yesterday I did a few things.. today I’m preparing for a trip to meet my brothers and sisters in law.. 

it seems that making myself do something helps.  But I know the problem is still not accepting his passing.. it’s only been 24 days. Every night I stand in front of his picture and touch his container where his remains are..I talk to him and I cry then I pray.. we always prayed together before bed. I have to share this because I found it so sad.. I have a black chest of drawers that his picture and remains are.. well yesterday I saw these streaks going down the front of the drawers.. it was from my tears..I could not only feel the pain but now I see it.  Of course I wiped them off because I hope there will be less eventually. 

But there seems to be a time for us to grieve and our hearts must know that eventually the pain will be different.. but for now we must feel our sorrow.. and make ourselves live.. that’s what our spouses want for us..I know my Rick would want the best for me.. 

thank you all... for talking.  If it wasn’t for this forum, my family and others I know.. I couldn’t have made it this far... and still be sane.

Hi SusieRicky,

You are new to the grief journey.  This is a very tough and long journey and there will be day that will be extremely difficult.  At the moment, you need to take care of yourself and just think about you.  It's all you at this time.    Be kind to yourself, think positive about yourself, and do what you need to do to help you.  Don't worry about any judgments -- it's all about you.  So you've gotten yourself out of bed.  Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back for that.   As you can see, even the easiest tasks which we were able to do with our eyes closed in the past because a burden now.  That is normal.   Just by being able to get out of bed, you've already gotten forward 1-step.   And 1-step at a time is a great pace.  There is no rush to do anything.   Just think about yourself, what you need, and do what you need to in order to continue trotting forever.   If you can add 1-task a day to get back to normal, then in a week you've accomplished 7 of those tasks.    If you need a break, that's fine too.

I have a small informal memorial for my wife on my kitchen table.  Like you, I look at her there, and I talk to her too.  It brought me a lot of comfort by doing this in the earlier weeks.  Did it wipe off the pain?  No, but it was one way I can release my emotions -- that is, by talking to her, telling her how much I miss her, how much I love her, and sharing with her how difficult my days are.   Just talking helps, even if you still feel miserable.    And it's absolutely OK to cry -- you are just showing how much love you have for your bf.

SusieRicky, there will be long days ahead.   Continue coming on here to share what you want to get off your chest with us.   We don't judge here.  We're here to support each other.  If there's one place where there's a group of folks that can truly understand what you are going through..... it right here.

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41 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel, Patti.   We've went a total 180-degrees after losing someone.  It's so difficult to take on but that's part of our life, unfortunately.   Don't worry about the "acceptance" part.  I know you are not worried, you just feel like it wasn't suppose to happen.  I know you feel like you're questioning why it happened, and how.    That's all normal.    As you process your grieve, and let out your emotions, your heart will find the strength and power to carry on.   As you continue along that path, you will naturally "accept" what has happened.

Just a note, we use the word accept for the most part, to "acknowledge" the loss.  When we say accept, we are in no way implying that we agree or consent to what happened.

Thank today went from bad to worse for me. His daughter who stopped talking to us months ago. Which broke my husband's heart. She didn't even come to his memorial. I called his parents for his Dad's birthday today. His Mom told me his daughter called them crying last week upset about it. She has not called me at all. It just hurts so much. It breaks my heart for my husband because he was so worried about her and where she was. Today I feel as bad as the day it happened. I can't stop crying and hurting.

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When it was said about a neighbor helping out when ones husband was alive but now does not....  brings to mind how it feels to be single again.. since Rick and my relationship was only 2 1/2 years it brings back those lonely times of having to do things differently.. that part is already coming to pass.. 

weekends spent alone because you no longer are a couple.. going places with other couples but feeling out of place because you are the only single person there.. or even worse not being invited because you are single..with this being said...that’s why I’m trying to focus on my married children and grandkids.. although it too is different.  Again not being a couple there are things you don’t get invited to.. 

im told join a group of women doing things.. I did that... it’s a once a month thing. I am trying to join more.. but I’m giving myself time because I don’t think my way of thinking at the moment is clear or even there sometimes.. I keep asking myself.. what’s next or how can I stop thinking about him or should I and why doesn’t everybody know how I feel.. it’s only been a little over three weeks and how can the rest of the world just keep moving 

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17 hours ago, SusieRicky said:

When it was said about a neighbor helping out when ones husband was alive but now does not....  brings to mind how it feels to be single again.. since Rick and my relationship was only 2 1/2 years it brings back those lonely times of having to do things differently.. that part is already coming to pass.. 

weekends spent alone because you no longer are a couple.. going places with other couples but feeling out of place because you are the only single person there.. or even worse not being invited because you are single..with this being said...that’s why I’m trying to focus on my married children and grandkids.. although it too is different.  Again not being a couple there are things you don’t get invited to.. 

im told join a group of women doing things.. I did that... it’s a once a month thing. I am trying to join more.. but I’m giving myself time because I don’t think my way of thinking at the moment is clear or even there sometimes.. I keep asking myself.. what’s next or how can I stop thinking about him or should I and why doesn’t everybody know how I feel.. it’s only been a little over three weeks and how can the rest of the world just keep moving 

SusieRicky -- You are so right.  Even as we continue to grieve and we feel frozen, the entire world will continue moving on.  How dare they!?    I've recognized this very early on in my grief process.  During the funeral, everyone grieves.  But when you think about it, most, if not all of your guests, will probably start moving on with the rest of their day and life as soon as they get into the car and go home.   The surviving spouses, families, are the ones who continue to grieve.   And by saying that we continue to grieve after the funeral... oh boy, that is just the beginning!

Weekends or time where you had dedicated time with your spouse/partner will always be hard.   The last two weekends were fine for me but prior to that, I've hated weekends.  I still do.  Weekends were suppose to be our time because we didn't have to work.   We had time to catch up with each other.  Now, that's no longer here.   In addition to that, my weekends are not free and I'm not just grieving, I am alone.   It's a difficult pill to swallow.

I like the fact that you are thinking about joining a group.   If you have not, just consider it when you are ready.    During this healing process, we need to push ourselves to do other things -- even if it's a remote interest.    Going to a particular event or function in itself is not going to resolve grief, but it exercises your body and mind and makes you pursue something new and diferent.  It's all psychological too.   The more you stay home, alone, the faster and easier for you to fall into depression and make things worse.  Even though you may not enjoy and have a great time at the outing, I gurantee you that you will feel better than to just sit at home and be miserable.      You want to believe that every step and every thing you do has some meaning.   There is no magic pill here.  But if you take steps to do something new.... over time, they all become cumlative which adds to your healing and recovery.

Hope this helps!

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23 hours ago, KMB said:

He does the plowing for the one church lot a few miles away. He is a member of the church and I wonder where his compassion is.

Yes indeed, I've often wondered that.  The Bible TALKS about being there for the widows and orphans...does everyone ignore this scripture nowadays?  I haven't seen it evidenced in their lives!  Many of my neighbors have plows yet don't seem to care that there's this old lady out here shoveling that could have a stroke doing it!  When I was raising my family, we all helped our elderly neighbors, that seems to be a thing of days gone by.

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21 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Thank today went from bad to worse for me. His daughter who stopped talking to us months ago. Which broke my husband's heart. She didn't even come to his memorial. I called his parents for his Dad's birthday today. His Mom told me his daughter called them crying last week upset about it. She has not called me at all. It just hurts so much. It breaks my heart for my husband because he was so worried about her and where she was. Today I feel as bad as the day it happened. I can't stop crying and hurting.

My husband's first wife took their kids and moved away with them so that he did not know where they were until they were grown, after he learned how to use the computer.  He'd done extensive searching before finding them.  He finally made contact with them and his daughter would talk to him on the phone but his son wanted nothing to do with him.  He respected his wishes but it hurt.  They live clear across the US.  When he was in the hospital, his daughter told him she loved him and called him dad, I know that had to mean the world to him and am glad she was able to say it.  His son...no.  They neither one attended his funeral but I sent them a recording of it and some things to remember their dad by.  I offered to answer any questions they might have about him, anything they wanted to know, but they haven't taken me up on it.  However, his daughter told me she saw her brother looking in the mirror and comparing his face to his dad's picture.  That brought me great consolation to know he's at least curious about his dad, and I'm sure George was smiling from beyond. 

That your daughter called shows she has some interest in your husband, I'd take some consolation in that.  Perhaps as she gets older she will reach out to you at some point.  I even got a Christmas card from my stepson years after his dad died, you never know.

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4 minutes ago, KayC said:

My husband's first wife took their kids and moved away with them so that he did not know where they were until they were grown, after he learned how to use the computer.  He'd done extensive searching before finding them.  He finally made contact with them and his daughter would talk to him on the phone but his son wanted nothing to do with him.  He respected his wishes but it hurt.  They live clear across the US.  When he was in the hospital, his daughter told him she loved him and called him dad, I know that had to mean the world to him and am glad she was able to say it.  His son...no.  They neither one attended his funeral but I sent them a recording of it and some things to remember their dad by.  I offered to answer any questions they might have about him, anything they wanted to know, but they haven't taken me up on it.  However, his daughter told me she saw her brother looking in the mirror and comparing his face to his dad's picture.  That brought me great consolation to know he's at least curious about his dad, and I'm sure George was smiling from beyond. 

That your daughter called shows she has some interest in your husband, I'd take some consolation in that.  Perhaps as she gets older she will reach out to you at some point.  I even got a Christmas card from my stepson years after his dad died, you never know.

She called his parents and I don't know if it was for sympathy or money or if she does care him. I just know the way she treated him before caused a lot of stress on him. I just  don't understand why she hasn't reached out. I do know she is talking to her birth Mom again that's why she stopped talking to us again. I have legal guardianship of her sister who is not my husband's child but their birth Mom is on drugs. I know is daughter has some deep seeded issues. It just hurts.

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3 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I know is daughter has some deep seeded issues. It just hurts.

Of course it hurts. You love her father and wish for his daughter to love him also. Maybe over time and as she does some growing up, she will reach out to you.

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