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Patti14

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I lost the love of my life on 09/23/17. He was only 47 years old. We have been together for 20 years and married for almost 11. I am only 38 and I don't know how I am going to do this without him. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. I miss him so much and still can't believe he is gone. I can't breathe without him. Every morning it feels like it happens all over again. He treated me like a queen. I have so many memories with him but it's not enough. I love him so much and this hurts so bad. Does it ever get better?

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Patti,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You have company here with many others also going through loss so young.  Although I am 65 now, I was 52 when my husband passed, he'd just had his 51st birthday, and it was shocking as we didn't expect this.  We'd bought our porch swing to "grow old together" in on our back patio.  For a long time it was hard for me to sit there...now I invite him to sit with me.  

Grief takes a lot of work to process.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could live the rest of my life without him.  I soon learned it helped to just stay in today and do one day at a time, that was enough to handle.  I still live one day at a time all these years later.  He is the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend and I look forward to the day we can be together again, never to be ripped apart again.

You ask if it gets better...I don't know if better is the right word, but we do adjust and get better at coping.  I want to share with you an article I wrote of the things I've learned over the last 12 years...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Thank you for the advice. I do have dogs already. I just feel like I failed my husband and them.

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8 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Thank you for the advice. I do have dogs already. I just feel like I failed my husband and them.

The grief journey is a very long a bumpy road.   Why do you think you failed your husband?

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Patti,  You didn't fail your husband. It is very easy in the beginning, to feel a burden of guilt in some way when we lose our soul mate. Our mind is in shock and we have the confusing thoughts coupled with the emotional pain. Grieving takes a toll on our minds and bodies. We are suffering a traumatic loss. It takes a long time for our mind to process and begin to think clearly again.

My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. I felt guilt that I had failed him also. It took me a long time to be able to think clearly about the logical reasons. He had a bad heart that was getting weaker and weaker. There was nothing I could have done to save him. So, I had to learn to release that guilt and forgive myself.

You haven't failed your dogs in any way either. They understand a lot more than we do. Animals are very close to the afterlife. They know where your husband is and most likely he has been visiting them and talking to them. When it is their turn to cross over, they will be reunited with your husband. He will take care of them while they all will be waiting for you.:wub:

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So sorry for your loss Patti, We are here to help each other. Nice words from KayC and KMB. We all go thru these phases where we will feel guilty, angry, nervous, not ready to accept etc. Just live one day or an hour at a time as we can't even control that much why worry too much about other time frames. There are no set time or rules for this kind of grieve as it is not only emotional but mix of different losses. Some are worried about finances / Kids/ House etc. Just do things which you fell comfortable doing. Drink lots of water and eat something if not full meal. You will doing some stuff (smelling his clothes or talking to the pic etc) which might sound crazy to normal people but it very much normal for us as most of us would have done few out of those acts. Everyone journey on this path is different and different timelines. There will  be days you will feel little better and some days will be crap but keeping moving forward.

 

Hugs

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

 

The grief journey is a very long a bumpy road.   Why do you think you failed your husband?

Because I couldn't save him. I wish I would have made him eat healthier.

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25 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Because I couldn't save him. I wish I would have made him eat healthier.

I think it's very natural to have some level of survivors guilt.  Oh, it's those nagging questions... what if?  What if I did this?  What if I did that?

In my instance, I did wish that I was more involved in my wife's health --- because obviously, she was not ... and I did not find out until she left.

In my instance, I've concluded that so what.  Even if I was involved, perhaps something could be different.  But I would never know.  My wife may still have to battle her illness eventually and things may unfold in a more traumatic fashion.

If it makes you feel better, know that eating healthy doesn't mean you're going to live a long life.  My wife was in her 30s.  She had 3 meals a day.  Her meals were always "balanced."   She never skipped breakfast.  She avoided fatty foods.    At the end, her heart still gave out.

We don't know what we don't know.   Take care of yourself and don't blame yourself for what had happened.  Feeling guilty is normal.  We will always have some of that.

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4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I think it's very natural to have some level of survivors guilt.  Oh, it's those nagging questions... what if?  What if I did this?  What if I did that?

In my instance, I did wish that I was more involved in my wife's health --- because obviously, she was not ... and I did not find out until she left.

In my instance, I've concluded that so what.  Even if I was involved, perhaps something could be different.  But I would never know.  My wife may still have to battle her illness eventually and things may unfold in a more traumatic fashion.

If it makes you feel better, know that eating healthy doesn't mean you're going to live a long life.  My wife was in her 30s.  She had 3 meals a day.  She never skipped breakfast.  She avoided fatty foods.    At the end, her heart still gave out.

We don't know what we don't know.   Take care of yourself and don't blame yourself for what had happened.  Feeling guilty is normal.  We will always have some of that.

He’s right. I eat like a bag of **** and am healthy as a horse unfortunately. It’s all random

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14 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

He’s right. I eat like a bag of **** and am healthy as a horse unfortunately. It’s all random

Thanks I am trying hard to accept it and can't.

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TooDevastated
39 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Thanks I am trying hard to accept it and can't.

I feel so s**tty for being cluless about it when he had stomach pain and pain in his left shoulder. I should have insisted to take him to a hospital. I will always carry that regret in my heart until I die. 

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8 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Thanks I am trying hard to accept it and can't.

That's OK.  One of the things that will be evident shortly is that we have to work with our feelings.   Don't fight them, but work with them.   It's OK to feel a certain way.  It's OK to feel you have something or someone to blame.   Going through this grief journey has allowed me to experience feelings and emotions  (almost all of which are painful) that I could never had imagined.   Even when I  say I'm sad.... there are so many different levels to the sadness and being sad today could be a total different sadness from tomorrow.    

One of things we learn is how to ride out the grief.   It's not easy.  It is painful.  It is grueling.  But it's one of the things we need to get use to.

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

I feel so s**tty for being cluless about it when he had stomach pain and pain in his left shoulder. I should have insisted to take him to a hospital. I will always carry that regret in my heart until I die. 

I know exactly what you mean. My husband said he had a little chest pain a couple of days before he passed away. I wish I made him go to the hospital.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

That's OK.  One of the things that will be evident shortly is that we have to work with our feelings.   Don't fight them, but work with them.   It's OK to feel a certain way.  It's OK to feel you have something or someone to blame.   Going through this grief journey has allowed me to experience feelings and emotions  (almost all of which are painful) that I could never had imagined.   Even when I  say I'm sad.... there are so many different levels to the sadness and being sad today could be a total different sadness from tomorrow.    

One of things we learn is how to ride out the grief.   It's not easy.  It is painful.  It is grueling.  But it's one of the things we need to get use to.

I am trying to figure that out. I am hoping once I accept he is really gone ai will understand my grief a little better and know how to ride it out.

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

If it makes you feel better, know that eating healthy doesn't mean you're going to live a long life.  My wife was in her 30s.  She had 3 meals a day.  Her meals were always "balanced."   She never skipped breakfast.  She avoided fatty foods.    At the end, her heart still gave out.

Totally agree, eating healthy doesn't mean you live long life, my husband ate only healthy food no junk food, three times meals, 3-4 liters water daily, fruits in between, yoga in morning, no smoking , not alcoholic, still he left me at age of 30. And there are multiple people outside who has really bad habits, chain smoker, still they are living , so there is no point of eating healthy or not. 

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8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Totally agree, eating healthy doesn't mean you live long life, my husband ate only healthy food no junk food, three times meals, 3-4 liters water daily, fruits in between, yoga in morning, no smoking , not alcoholic, still he left me at age of 30. And there are multiple people outside who has really bad habits, chain smoker, still they are living , so there is no point of eating healthy or not. 

I am sorry for your loss as well. I guess I just feel that because he gained a lot of weight the last couple of years. I feel like if I would have made him eat healthier I could have saved him. His weight didn't bother me because I loved him and didn't see him that way. I know it's false hope and doesn't matter now.

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32 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

I am sorry for your loss as well. I guess I just feel that because he gained a lot of weight the last couple of years. I feel like if I would have made him eat healthier I could have saved him. His weight didn't bother me because I loved him and didn't see him that way. I know it's false hope and doesn't matter now.

I understand Patti, no matter how hard we try we can't control certain things. Everyone who knew my husband said this boy has all good habits not a single bad habit and I feel so good and think yes he is gonna make 80+ or may be 90 like his grandparents but see what happened. All other peoples are here and he is gone in such young age. 

I saw some people drink alcohol empty stomach still their stomach fine and my husband had Fatty stomach no idea why , how so now  I dont believe on this healthy thing crap.

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8 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I understand Patti, no matter how hard we try we can't control certain things. Everyone who knew my husband said this boy has all good habits not a single bad habit and I feel so good and think yes he is gonna make 80+ or may be 90 like his grandparents but see what happened. All other peoples are here and he is gone in such young age. 

I saw some people drink alcohol empty stomach still their stomach fine and my husband had Fatty stomach no idea why , how so now  I dont believe on this healthy thing crap.

I'm sorry we all have to go through this. It is so hard especially when it's unexpected.

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Patti,

We aren't responsible for their health, they were adults who made their own choices.  Had he said, "Call an ambulance", you would have.  We didn't know, we didn't realize what was happening.  Perhaps they didn't either.

Like others have said, feelings of guilt are common in grief.  It's almost as if we're trying to rewrite the script so there's a different outcome.  But there's no undo button.  We weren't given foreknowledge.  You aren't responsible for his death.  IMO, some friggin' random luck is.  I don't know, we can ask why until the cows come home, we don't get an answer.  I know, I've asked.

I think this addresses it well: 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

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53 minutes ago, KayC said:

Patti,

We aren't responsible for their health, they were adults who made their own choices.  Had he said, "Call an ambulance", you would have.  We didn't know, we didn't realize what was happening.  Perhaps they didn't either.

Like others have said, feelings of guilt are common in grief.  It's almost as if we're trying to rewrite the script so there's a different outcome.  But there's no undo button.  We weren't given foreknowledge.  You aren't responsible for his death.  IMO, some friggin' random luck is.  I don't know, we can ask why until the cows come home, we don't get an answer.  I know, I've asked.

I think this addresses it well: 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

Your right I do wish I can undo the past.I know I can't. We definitely didn't know and your probably right they didn't either.

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15 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I am trying to figure that out. I am hoping once I accept he is really gone ai will understand my grief a little better and know how to ride it out.

Yes.  It will take some time to learn about your feelings and what works for you.   Generally, I would describe that the grief from this type of traumatic loss is constant.  However, the intensity of the grief comes in waves... up and down.  I like to view us as being in a little boat in the middle of the ocean.  Sometimes, the sea would be rocky.  Sometimes the sea would be calm.  There will always be motion (ie. grief).   Occasionally, when it gets rocky, rather than to just hold on tight, just sit back ride it out.     I know I make it sound like I'm a pro and it's easy.   It is not.   This is simply a copying strategy to help you make it through each day.

In time, you will know your body much better than before.  You will be in tune, and know what will work for you..... and be able to share with others down the line.

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

Yes.  It will take some time to learn about your feelings and what works for you.   Generally, I would describe that the grief from this type of traumatic loss is constant.  However, the intensity of the grief comes in waves... up and down.  I like to view us as being in a little boat in the middle of the ocean.  Sometimes, the sea would be rocky.  Sometimes the sea would be calm.  There will always be motion (ie. grief).   Occasionally, when it gets rocky, rather than to just hold on tight, just sit back ride it out.     I know I make it sound like I'm a pro and it's easy.   It is not.   This is simply a copying strategy to help you make it through each day.

In time, you will know your body much better than before.  You will be in tune, and know what will work for you..... and be able to share with others down the line.

Thank you I appreciate the advice. It's not that you make it sound easy you know from experience. 

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Patti,  Aside from losing a child, losing our life partner is the most heart shredding, painful experience we will ever have. I have lost my dad, grandparents, friends, pets, and losing my husband is the worst of all of those other losses and much more.  Whatever else life has in store for us in a negative way, we will be able to stand up to it and shrug it off. We will be able to do that, because we are certainly learning the difficult, painful way right now about survival.

My heart breaks for you because I remember what those early weeks were like for me and in a lot of ways, still are. It takes a very long time, if ever, for our feelings to evolve to an easier place of being.:wub:

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18 minutes ago, KMB said:

Patti,  Aside from losing a child, losing our life partner is the most heart shredding, painful experience we will ever have. I have lost my dad, grandparents, friends, pets, and losing my husband is the worst of all of those other losses and much more.  Whatever else life has in store for us in a negative way, we will be able to stand up to it and shrug it off. We will be able to do that, because we are certainly learning the difficult, painful way right now about survival.

My heart breaks for you because I remember what those early weeks were like for me and in a lot of ways, still are. It takes a very long time, if ever, for our feelings to evolve to an easier place of being.:wub:

Patti14, I feel for you because I vividly remember my earlier weeks.   know this is really hard for you.   You are less than 2 weeks into this and the immediate onset of this trauma is very devastating.   During my first two weeks, or first month, everything was a fog and I was numb.   Dealing with the immediate 180-degree change in my daily environment was a huge adjustment and it hurt me greatly.   Being in the house alone, and not having my wife there anymore made it really difficult for me to adjust.  I was constantly crying.  Time was at a standstill.  I didn't know what to do.   Even going to get groceries would kill me because it felt so weird to be shopping for just myself.    I was basically a deer in headlights.     

Now, 3-months into it, I still feel terrible.  However, several weeks ago I knew that I crossed the threshold where I knew I could make it.  When I say I could make it I mean that I could live alone.  I've adjusted to it.   I know I can feed myself.  I know I can return to work.  I know I can get adequate rest.  I am no longer in the fog (or perhaps I don't know I am in one).     Now, part #2 of this loss is understanding and telling myself that my wife is not here, and will NEVER EVER be here again.  This is a hard pill to swallow.    In a lot of ways, Part #2 is more painful.   It's not a punch in the face, but a constant pinch that sticks with you 24/7.   It's different.  It's painful, but it's not as intense.  Still painful.

Hang on Patti14,  keep coming back here and share your feelings and we will try to help you.   KMB, Francine, KayC, and many more helped me greatly during my earlier days.  I still come here to kick and scream because I feel like sh*t but aside from that, I'm still surviving each day.

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I love how you guys are taking care of her.  :wub:  This is a grief family, we have to do this together.

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On 10/5/2017 at 5:59 PM, TooDevastated said:

I feel so s**tty for being cluless about it when he had stomach pain and pain in his left shoulder. I should have insisted to take him to a hospital. I will always carry that regret in my heart until I die. 

TooDevastated:

I understand how you feel.  My husband complained about pain in his back for weeks.  Then when he did go to the doctors, they said they thought it may be a hernia.  More weeks went by and then they wanted him to go to a specialist.  The specialist demanded that he have a CT scan immediately.  That was the day we found out he had Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.  One of the worst days of my life.  But the worst was when he was gone. He didn't even last a year, and I will always miss him.

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My husband complained with heart symptoms to his doctor.  His doctor never sent him to a cardiologist or ordered any tests.  We didn't know until that fateful weekend, and then it was too late.

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I don’t have an official cause of death yet. The coroner told me yesterday that he is waiting on the toxicology report and he would call me. 

When I look back at how she was doing it seems pretty likely that Lauri had some type of cardiac arrhythmia or cardiac event. I do feel terrible because I wish I would have realized what was really going on. In hindsight it all seems very clear what was happening but I didn’t know. I’ve also realized that she may have kept some of what was going on to herself. She never wanted to be “a burden.”

She and I both thought she had a panic attack. While I did not realize what was going on I wish I had that day to do over again. 

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19 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I don’t have an official cause of death yet. The coroner told me yesterday that he is waiting on the toxicology report and he would call me. 

When I look back at how she was doing it seems pretty likely that Lauri had some type of cardiac arrhythmia or cardiac event. I do feel terrible because I wish I would have realized what was really going on. In hindsight it all seems very clear what was happening but I didn’t know. I’ve also realized that she may have kept some of what was going on to herself. She never wanted to be “a burden.”

She and I both thought she had a panic attack. While I did not realize what was going on I wish I had that day to do over again. 

I can say the same I wish I would have made my husband go to the hospital. The week before he died he went to the walk in clinic. They said he had bronchitis. That was a Saturday he went to work Monday and all week said he was feeling better. He held his chest for a second on Thursday morning on his way to work and maybe a little Friday morning to. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing just a little pain. I thought it was stress because I get pains in my chest from stress. He said he was ok. Then Friday night he was fine he went to play cards until 3am. He camr home. Then Saturday morning at 10 it happened. I wish I would have made him go to the hospital. Did he have more pain then he was telling me. I will never know. I also worry because he was a pretty heavy drinker. He drank some everyday. We have been talking about it and I wanted him to quit. He didn't drink anything for a full week. I wonder and worry if that could have caused it. I hope not because if so that would be my fault. I will never know.

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

I wonder and worry if that could have caused it. I hope not because if so that would be my fault. I will never know.

We will feel some sort of guilt.   The important part is not to focus on what you could or would have done.  The part to focus on is the intent.   We will always have some sort of guilt because there is the "what if I did this, or what if I did that, or what if I noticed something earlier?"   We can't blame ourselves for these kind of things.  If we could all see into the future then a lot of problems in life would be solved --- but that is unrealistic.   We are humans.  We learn from our actions.  We are not perfect.   However, if we focus on our intent, almost every single time we can conclude that we made our decisions and choices out of love.   We cared for our partners.    Caring doesn't neccessarily mean that we will push them to see a doctor at every time there is discomfort.   Caring and love means that we took care of them, we made the best choices based on the circumstances at that very moment, and we had the intent and desire to love them and make them happy.

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7 minutes ago, Azipod said:

if we focus on our intent, almost every single time we can conclude that we made our decisions and choices out of love.   We cared for our partners.    Caring doesn't neccessarily mean that we will push them to see a doctor at every time there is discomfort.   Caring and love means that we took care of them, we made the best choices based on the circumstances at that very moment, and we had the intent and desire to love them and make them happy.

That is all I cared about too, that my husband's needs were fulfilled and he was happy. His last full day was a good one, a happy one. If I had had any clue that he was going to have a cardiac arrest later that night, I would have called 911 for him to be taken to the hospital ahead of time. Would it have saved him? It might have at the time, but his cardio doc said maybe for an extra few days, a week, two weeks at the most. His heart was worn out and couldn't go anymore.

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I read a news article this morning that does burn me. Bionic kidneys have been developed to eliminate the need for dialysis. My husband was just a few days away from starting dialysis which would have taken the excess fluid and toxins out of his body and reduced the load his heart was trying to carry. Soon, there will probably be bionic hearts as well.  All of this new technology coming to late for some of us. My only consolation now is that this new technology might save someone from being in our shoes with grieving the loss of a loved one.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

We will feel some sort of guilt.   The important part is not to focus on what you could or would have done.  The part to focus on is the intent.   We will always have some sort of guilt because there is the "what if I did this, or what if I did that, or what if I noticed something earlier?"   We can't blame ourselves for these kind of things.  If we could all see into the future then a lot of problems in life would be solved --- but that is unrealistic.   We are humans.  We learn from our actions.  We are not perfect.   However, if we focus on our intent, almost every single time we can conclude that we made our decisions and choices out of love.   We cared for our partners.    Caring doesn't neccessarily mean that we will push them to see a doctor at every time there is discomfort.   Caring and love means that we took care of them, we made the best choices based on the circumstances at that very moment, and we had the intent and desire to love them and make them happy.

That is true no matter how it happened we would always feel guilty about something. Trying to figure out why it happened. 

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6 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

That is true no matter how it happened we would always feel guilty about something. Trying to figure out why it happened. 

This is true if we engage in all of the "what if" thinking. I know one thing for sure that I am grateful for today. If Lauri did die from some sort arrhythmia (as I suspect) I am grateful I was not able to revive her or save her. This may sound terrible. Believe me, I did everything within my power and ability to do so.

The truth is that if I had been successful she would have severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen to her brain. She would have hated to live like this. I wouldn't have wanted to put her through such a difficult existence. No matter how much I miss her that would have been wrong.

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48 minutes ago, Paluka said:

This is true if we engage in all of the "what if" thinking. I know one thing for sure that I am grateful for today. If Lauri did die from some sort arrhythmia (as I suspect) I am grateful I was not able to revive her or save her. This may sound terrible. Believe me, I did everything within my power and ability to do so.

The truth is that if I had been successful she would have severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen to her brain. She would have hated to live like this. I wouldn't have wanted to put her through such a difficult existence. No matter how much I miss her that would have been wrong.

Yes if we would have been able to revive Greg he would have probably had severe brain damage to. I know he would not have wanted to live like that either. It's just hard not to think about the what ifs. I guess because we want them here so bad.

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12 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Yes if we would have been able to revive Greg he would have probably had severe brain damage to. I know he would not have wanted to live like that either. It's just hard not to think about the what ifs. I guess because we want them here so bad.

These are really good points.  One thing to note is that whatever outcome came may have been the best quality of life for our loved one.  We just don't know.   My wife had a chronic illness which finally  caught up to her.   There are times where I think that perhaps earlier intervention would have changed things.  But even so, it could have meant that even if she didn't go she would have lived more days suffering.   No one knows.  It's probably wise to spend our energy in another area because we would never find out the "what if scenario."

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25 minutes ago, Azipod said:

 My wife had a chronic illness which finally  caught up to her.   There are times where I think that perhaps earlier intervention would have changed things. 

My husband had congestive heart failure due to diabetes. He was feeling more tired, he was having issues with his legs. He was all set up for dialysis the year before. It would have made things easier for his heart. He wanted to wait. Knew that it meant the long drive and the 4 hours of being hooked up to a machine 3 days a week. More meds. A strict diet. When he finally made the decision, it was because he was feeling so miserable and wanted relief. A few days before starting dialysis, his heart gave up.  I've wondered so many times if pushing him towards dialysis the year before, would have made a difference. There is no going back, so I have had to let the wondering and the what ifs go.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

My husband had congestive heart failure due to diabetes. He was feeling more tired, he was having issues with his legs. He was all set up for dialysis the year before. It would have made things easier for his heart. He wanted to wait. Knew that it meant the long drive and the 4 hours of being hooked up to a machine 3 days a week. More meds. A strict diet. When he finally made the decision, it was because he was feeling so miserable and wanted relief. A few days before starting dialysis, his heart gave up.  I've wondered so many times if pushing him towards dialysis the year before, would have made a difference. There is no going back, so I have had to let the wondering and the what ifs go.

Yeah I guess we all have a bunch of what ifs that do us know good. No matter how much we wish we could get them back we can't. 

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6 hours ago, Patti14 said:

That is true no matter how it happened we would always feel guilty about something. Trying to figure out why it happened. 

I know.  We are always going to feel some guilt.  Before I came online, I read some of my wife's medical records which came in recently.  I am trying to put together a timeline for her condition and her visits.  Despite having an underlining illness, I found out that my wife was not following up with her doctors as much as she was suppose to.    Do I feel guilty for not being more involved in her health?  Yes, a bit.   There was more I could have done.  But I didn't.  I didn't advocate for my wife to push her to see the doctors.   I do feel a bit guilty but not too much.  I don't blame myself.   But yes.  There will always be that feeling of "what if" I had been more involved.   I don't know.   Without going into the full details, I think my wife made a decision to live her life a particular way.  And it just so happen that I was not involved in this area of her life and she "got away with it" and did what she wanted.

 

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

Yes if we would have been able to revive Greg he would have probably had severe brain damage to. I know he would not have wanted to live like that either. It's just hard not to think about the what ifs. I guess because we want them here so bad.

Same here.  My wife's organ was in bad shape.  Even if we caught it earlier, I'm not sure how the residual effects would be.  I do think that she had the best quality of life she could have considering the circumstances.  I know my wife wouldn't want to put me through the misery of watching her go slowly, day by day.

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know.  We are always going to feel some guilt.  Before I came online, I read some of my wife's medical records which came in recently.  I am trying to put together a timeline for her condition and her visits.  Despite having an underlining illness, I found out that my wife was not following up with her doctors as much as she was suppose to.    Do I feel guilty for not being more involved in her health?  Yes, a bit.   There was more I could have done.  But I didn't.  I didn't advocate for my wife to push her to see the doctors.   I do feel a bit guilty but not too much.  I don't blame myself.   But yes.  There will always be that feeling of "what if" I had been more involved.   I don't know.   Without going into the full details, I think my wife made a decision to live her life a particular way.  And it just so happen that I was not involved in this area of her life and she "got away with it" and did what she wanted.

 

I definitely will always feel some guilt for not making him go to the doctor more. He was overweight and didn't go to the doctor like he should have. He did have labs in May for foot surgery in June and he was cleared for surgery. He had labs on September 1st and was supposed to have an appointment on September 11th but do to the hurricane didn't make it. Then he passed away on the 23rd.  If something was wrong why didn't they catch it  with his labs in May and the beginning of September. I knew he was overweight obviously but I didn't think he would die at 47 from it. Unless there was something else wrong and he didn't tell me. He seemed fine though. Besides getting bronchitis the weekend before. If it was really bronchitis. He went to an urgent care and was only there for 15 minutes and they said bronchitis. I wish he would have went to a regular doctor or hospital. He went back to work on Monday. He seemed fine all week. Except for holding his chest one morning. I thought it was stress. The medical examiner just did an external exam and blamed it on heart disease. There was another term for it but he said it basically meant heart disease. I wish they would have done a full autopsy. If he had heart disease why wouldn't it have been caught in his labs. I will never have awnsers and that bothers me so much.

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14 hours ago, KMB said:

My husband had congestive heart failure due to diabetes. He was feeling more tired, he was having issues with his legs. He was all set up for dialysis the year before. It would have made things easier for his heart. He wanted to wait. Knew that it meant the long drive and the 4 hours of being hooked up to a machine 3 days a week. More meds. A strict diet. When he finally made the decision, it was because he was feeling so miserable and wanted relief. A few days before starting dialysis, his heart gave up.  I've wondered so many times if pushing him towards dialysis the year before, would have made a difference. There is no going back, so I have had to let the wondering and the what ifs go.

When I read this I think, maybe there was a reason George went when he did.  He would not have wanted his life so compromised that he would have had no quality of life.  We loved holding each other, we could have still had that, but much of the rest of his life wouldn't have been the same had he lived.  His heart was damaged severely and they said there was no fix for it.  He would not have made it through a transplant even had one been available, they would have had to have caught this six months earlier before the damage.  I am glad my husband was spared, it's just oh so hard trying to live without him!

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5 hours ago, Patti14 said:

 There was another term for it but he said it basically meant heart disease. I wish they would have done a full autopsy. If he had heart disease why wouldn't it have been caught in his labs. I will never have awnsers and that bothers me so much.

A lot of it depends on the doctor/clinic/hospital system itself. My husband and I lucked out with being involved with a medical service where full medical history,  and lab results are accessible online. I taught myself how to read the lab results. I also learned how to read the facial expressions of the doctors and nurses, reading between the lines of what they said or didn't say. They do not tell you everything, unless you push and question. My husband had heart surgery, but there was already damage that could not be reversed. We were just buying time in sustaining his quality of life. I know that the last several months my husband's labs were looking worse. Some of the numbers were steadily going up higher. The cardio doctor basically said there was nothing more that could be done for the heart itself. He told my husband to focus on his kidney functioning and maybe dialysis would help take the extra work load off his heart. I was the one more proactive with my husband's health. I wish that he had been also. But, I came to understand my husband's reasoning. I didn't agree with it, but I accepted it. His mother was also diabetic and cardiac arrest ended her life. My husband figured it was just fate that his health was going to go the same way. I've learned some more medical things after my husband passed. That old hindsight stuff. I so wish we could go back several years and do some things differently. When I do reflect on all the medical stuff, I console myself that my husband is free from suffering with a physical body that was breaking down, letting him down. He is at peace and free.

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

I am glad my husband was spared, it's just oh so hard trying to live without him!

Yeah, I know. Day after day. I don't know if that part ever gets easier. Waking up with the knowing that life is not the same without your soul mate. The happiest, most loving and fulfilling of our years are just memories.

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

 When I do reflect on all the medical stuff, I console myself that my husband is free from suffering with a physical body that was breaking down, letting him down. He is at peace and free.

I feel this way too.   When grieving, I've primarily only been concern about myself.  My own happiness and my own life.  Rarely do I reflect on what my wife had to go through each day due to illness.  I have to admit that only sometimes, when I think about how my wife had to suffer, I think about how glad I am that she now can rest peacefully.    It was difficult for me to understand what my wife had gone through because I am in good physical health.  I don't have medical conditions.  I don't suffer.   Sometimes its hard for me to just let go of myself, and think about what she had to go through when she was here on earth.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Yeah, I know. Day after day. I don't know if that part ever gets easier. Waking up with the knowing that life is not the same without your soul mate. The happiest, most loving and fulfilling of our years are just memories.

Assuming the rest of my life will be uneventful, I probably have at least 4-more decades to go.  Sometimes I'm afraid that down the road, I might forget about my wife and what she really means to me.  Is this even possible?

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9 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Assuming the rest of my life will be uneventful, I probably have at least 4-more decades to go.  Sometimes I'm afraid that down the road, I might forget about my wife and what she really means to me.  Is this even possible?

I don't think we will ever forget about them. When you loved someone that much I don't think it's possible to ever forget about them. There are to many memories to ever forget. They were an important part of our lives and still are. Even if some us do move on you will never forget.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Assuming the rest of my life will be uneventful, I probably have at least 4-more decades to go.  Sometimes I'm afraid that down the road, I might forget about my wife and what she really means to me.  Is this even possible?

I see no way that we'll forget about them. It is just NOT possible. The pain of losing them may evolve but this pain has forever etched the loss of Lauri into my soul.

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We will never forget our soul mates. Not possible! They are an important part of who we are and our life history. I haven't forgotten my father or my grandparents, so I know I'll never forget my husband.

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

We will never forget our soul mates. Not possible! They are an important part of who we are and our life history. I haven't forgotten my father or my grandparents, so I know I'll never forget my husband.

I'm so glad.  I have so much longer to go.   Even though I keep telling everyone else on here to live in the moment, I still worry about myself.   I've lost the only person who I thought would always be around for me.

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