Lost my mom - now dealing with underlying anxiety

[savvymom]

Hello everyone.  i have been reading a lot, but this is the first time I am posting.  I lost my mom at the end of June.  She was 72 and died suddenly from a ruptured aorta.  I had gotten an email from her earlier that day.  I had to be the one to tell my older brothers as they do not live close.  I also had to go the hospital, deal with the coroner and all the awful stuff that you have to do when someone dies.   I am so sad.  everyday. I miss her and cannot believe that I have to live the rest of my life without her.   To be honest, I jumped into work very quickly and have been moving a mile a minute since she died.  It has been a few months now and I just went to the doctor as I am having some vision issues, hearing loss and some really weird head issue (feels like someone squeezed my brain every few minutes).  They are doing all the necessary tests, but he did say that he believes that it is a physical manifestations of sadness, grief and anxiety from not fully dealing with my mom dying.  It was a very interesting conversation about how I may not feel what I THINK a panic attack would feel like, but that anxiety comes about in many different ways.   It is likely that he is right.   I told him I felt anxious about  things like the headaches and blurry vision, especially when I google my symptoms.  He said "next time when you open up Google, please type in 'I have lost a parent and I need some help'".    So, that brought me here.  Thanks for reading.

[sadandlost]

Dear savvymom,

Im sorry for your loss.  I completely understand how you feel.  Within a month of my mom dying, suddenly in one eye I had flashing lights and a sort of throbbing behind my eye.  I thought something had detached from my eye?  I felt panicked.  After 30 minutes it subsided but then 1 hr later it came back.  In the morning I got an emergency appt. with the eye doctor.  He used all these hi tech machines to look behind my eye.  Nothing had detached.  Nothing moved.  He asked if I had been anxious?  Yes I replied.  You need to calm down he said.  The week before that I fainted in my home.  Just walking to the bathroom suddenly the room started to move, a high pitched noise in my ears, I was dripping with sweat.  I don't remember falling but I woke up on the floor.  Fortunately without injury.   

People (me included before it happened to me) wonder why one would have anxiety after the worst thing that could possibly happen has already happened?   I mean we've already gone through the worst thing, what are we anxious about?  It's too late it's already happened!  I thought this when many many years ago I watched a friend go through anxiety after her mom died.  Now we are here and we're going through it.  

8 months later it's less severe.  It's a quiet, silent in fact, deep sadness and lower level anxiety.  Mostly I feel lost.

Im so sorry for what you're experiencing.  It's very hard I know.  Talk or write, it helps.  We are all in the same boat.