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I lost the love of my life :(


Myangel0419

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Hi, I lost the love of my life and my soulmate a little over 2 months ago. He passed away in a car accident. He was on his way to work and his van was crashed by a huge truck from behind. He didn't anymore made it to the hospital. The case is still under investigation. I woke him up that morning with a bunch of kisses we were so happy and excited because we are going to camp for the weekend in one of our favourite campsites. We loved outdoors so much that most of the weekend that we are not dancing salsa we are out exploring  . But on that day he didn't come home . When I was trying to get hold of him in the afternoon Because he wasn't replying to my calls and messages I immediately got so nervous because he will never not txt me even if he's busy. I was freaking out and getting mad at him when something from inside me just felt like checking my phone and google "accident in Toronto" . The first thing came out was that accident. Although it didn't happen in Toronto that was the first news that came up. It was pretty much an hr drive from us. I saw a cube van that was smashed between two huge trucks. I started to cry I felt something inside me that I can't explain and I knew it was him. The the police came and that confirmed everything! I was devastated, shocked, numb, hysterical I thought I was loosing it. I can't believe he was gone. We were just texting each other a few hrs before his accident. I felt a part of me died too. I miss him so much and Sometimes I still can't believe he's gone. I'm feeling everything that's been said in this forum . All are true. I'm in my second month now and It wasn't as bad as the first month but even if I'm not crying  the stabbing pain inside and the emptiness is always there. I feel so lonely and all I want is him. I'm also having a hard time talking to his family because I don't know how to speak Russian they live in Ukraine. We always have to wait for a friend who is available to translate. I love his family and I wish we can also talk more often so we can be support to each other. 

This was the last camping trip we had in June. 

I'm so broken right now..

IMG_3746.JPG

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TooDevastated

You both look so beautiful together and I cannot believe yet another person has joined the worst club in the world. I'm really really sorry for your loss. We werent supposed to lose them. Not now. Not when we are so young and have too much to live for. I understand the pain, anger, despair, exhaustion. There are no words to provide any comfort. I hope you'll continue to post and read the threads here. We have lovely people who try and be guides to us through the grief journey. 

My heart aches seeing the happy picture of the two of you. HUGS X 

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Maria0419,

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. There are no words, no expressions of consolation or wisdom I can give you that will make this, in any way, easier.  My heart goes out to you as do my prayers. This journey you've been on and will continue to be on is a horrible and bleak one. What I can tell you is that as time passes, you will slowly accept and cope. Will this ever be "better"? I can't answer that, but I will say that it will get easier. The day to day will evolve mechanisms so you can retain your sanity and give you a chance to "heal". And I use "heal" as a relative term, the wound will never truly goes away, but managing will become almost a matter of survival. As TooDevastated says, post as often as you wish, there are beautiful souls here with terrible wisdom, they will share and help anyway they can. My wife passed away over nine months ago, and my relative position in terms of "progress" is due in no small part to the wonderful people here. 

Peace, strength and comfort

Andy

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Thank you for the kind words and support. 

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Maria0419,

Oh my God, I am sorry for your loss, and know the pain you're going through.  Your pic tells a thousand words of the love you shared for one another.  This is probably one, if not the biggest, shocks of your young life and nothing prepared you for it.  A huge peace of you is gone forever and the wound left behind is horrendous; you can't see it, but it's there.   And you think you can't go on without him, or if you do, how on earth will you do it? I thought that when my Charles left this earth.  I was shocked and frightened.  I felt my life stopped; I was merely existing; literally just trying to get to the next day;  just make it to tomorrow, and then the next day, and the next.  Each day I was changing, for the better - I don't know. I was not living at all; perhaps I was waiting.  And the trouble is, I don't know what I was exactly waiting for and I was kind of scared for what it might be.  I'm learning that when we lose someone we love, we must not only learn to live without them, but more importantly, we must learn to live with the love they left behind.

You can shed tears that he is gone; or smile because he lived; close your eyes and pray he will come back or open your eyes and see all that he left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him or you can be full of the love you both shared. You can live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  You can remember him and only that he is gone or you can cherish his memory and let it live on, inside of you; you can cry and close your mind, be empty, lonely and turn your back, or do what he would have wanted you to - smile, remember your time together, love and go on.

Grief is a nasty game of feeling the weakest and lowest you have ever felt and you must transform it into the strong person you will have to become. So know it's OK to miss him, to say his name.  And it's OK to cry, to laugh, to smile when you think of him, to function; or have days when you cannot function.  It's OK to be angry, and thankful and its OK to love again.  It's OK to remember him, to never lose hope, to be honest with your feelings, to trust again.   But what is NOT OK, is to give up. 

I'm a stronger believer in God and my faith tells me that Heaven heals all things.  When our loved one passes away and transitions into Heaven, they are immediately free from all illness and sufferings They immediately find peace; that I hope gives you some comfort.  I also believe that we are all visitors to this time, this place.  We are just passing through.  Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love and then to return to our home - Heaven.  Know you are in my prayers.  Stay strong because you are strong.

 

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@Francine - I am also a strong believer in God and that's the reason why I'm still here trying to be strong for myself and his family. But there are times I still question Him , why? Why my husband? We were so happy. We had so many plans and he left so soon. I'm also worried about him if he is at peace because of his sudden death. I sometimes have panic attacks when I start to worry. Life is cruel . My life will forever be devastated with my husband's lost. I love him so much and I miss him every second of the day.

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I do understand... texting and they suddenly there were no more text. I was also texting with my boyfriend just an hr before he past away unexpectedly. You kept wondering why? and life is cruel for us who are left behind. I am also in this grief journey. I really think people in this forum will be a good encouragement and will help all of us to get through this together. I am sorry for your loss. 

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Maria,

I'm so sorry, it must have been horrible.  Even though you don't speak Russian, perhaps you could use a translator app to communicate through writing.

From everything I've learned, the transition is peaceful beyond.  It's hard for those left behind, but with the grief work we do we can eventually adjust to our new life, the missing them part continues though, that doesn't stop.  Try not to let grief scare you because it continues, the intensity lessens but grief evolves throughout our journey.

It does help to come here, to express yourself, to know there are others that get it.

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Maria,  I am deeply sorry. You were living your love story and it ended tragically. There really are no adequate words that will help you. We all know this. The only advice that has any logic, is to take it minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.

This forum has become a life line to many of us. Only those who have experienced the type of loss we have, truly get it. You are among friends here. Strangers essentially, but friends with the common ground of losing our partners. Feel free to express your thoughts, feelings. Cry, vent, whatever you need to let out. It is safe here.

Sending prayers for comfort and peace to you.

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On 10/2/2017 at 9:24 PM, Maria0419 said:

@Francine - I am also a strong believer in God and that's the reason why I'm still here trying to be strong for myself and his family. But there are times I still question Him , why? Why my husband? We were so happy. We had so many plans and he left so soon. I'm also worried about him if he is at peace because of his sudden death. I sometimes have panic attacks when I start to worry. Life is cruel . My life will forever be devastated with my husband's lost. I love him so much and I miss him every second of the day.

I feel you.  I too questioned HIM with the same questions as you - Why?  Why does God always have to take the good people on earth from us.  The ones that are most loved and cherished - it seems so unfair.  One would think there are so many others HE could take; you know, like the murderers of the world, the child molesters, the ones who care less if they live or die;  those who commit the massacres on the innocent - why not those people?  And then I thought, maybe, just perhaps good people don't deserve to suffer anymore on this earth and God takes them to a better place.  Imagine yourself in a flower shop or garden, which flowers would you pick first - the best ones, right?  I don't think our Father is too much different - HE wants the best.  I don't know why God allows bad to happen to good people, but I am sure that HE has the best interest of HIS children (us) and kingdom in mind.  HE will do what it takes to save us and get HIS glory, including things we don't understand.

I believe our loved ones are at peace. My own study of the Bible has convinced me that our souls or spirits go immediately into the presence of God when we die.   Their spirits are in Heaven; a place of eternal life; eternal light; a place of great beauty; a place without death; a place without sorrows and tears; a place without pain - if that is not peace, I don't know what is.    Our minds are to feeble to conceive it; too weak to comprehend it and to fragile to perceive it.   We will be entirely filled with joy, beauty, truth, goodness - a fulfillment of every human desire - all happiness, finally whole.

Life is cruel and yes, your life will be forever changed as a result of your husband's passing.  But I think because of your belief in God, and HIS love for you, you will make it through.  What HE takes from you, HE gives back and I think it has a lot to do with your faith.  Maybe not today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year, but HE will - in HIS time - not yours. Just continue to believe in HIM.

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On 10/3/2017 at 2:02 AM, TeddTodd said:

y. I really think people in this forum will be a good encouragement and will help all of us to get through this together.

I'm so glad I found this forum. I get all the support and comfort I need to make it through the day. 

Hugs to all.. 

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On 10/3/2017 at 5:03 AM, KayC said:

It's hard for those left behind, but with the grief work we do we can eventually adjust to our new life, the missing them part continues though, that doesn't stop. 

Sometimes I wish I can fast forward my life right now. I don't want to feel this pain and loneliness anymore. I see myself like a robot just functioning but no feeling or emotions. I want him here so bad. :(

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1 hour ago, Francine said:

  But I think because of your belief in God, and HIS love for you, you will make it through.  What HE takes from you, HE gives back and I think it has a lot to do with your faith.

Psalm 28:7-8

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart . He helps me, and my heart si filled with joy. The Lord gives his people strength.  

I know I only need to believe in His word and that He stands waiting to answer my prayer of Faith. 

3 days after Alex passed away even when I was struggling with my faith that time ,I got up that morning and went to Church. I was looking for any message or answer from God and I did, the sermon was about Angels . I cried so hard I knew it was a sign. Also, Alex calls me "my Angel " all the time .

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He helps us through every day of this if we let Him.  

9 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

I was looking for any message or answer from God and I did, the sermon was about Angels . I cried so hard I knew it was a sign. Also, Alex calls me "my Angel " all the time .

How special is that!  Those are the kinds of things that encourage and help us through this.

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16 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

3 days after Alex passed away even when I was struggling with my faith that time ,I got up that morning and went to Church. I was looking for any message or answer from God and I did, the sermon was about Angels . I cried so hard I knew it was a sign. Also, Alex calls me "my Angel " all the time .

I agree with KayC. The sermon about angels was meant for you. This life here is only a small part of our journey to Heaven. When we transition over, we have to shed the physical shell that housed our soul here. Our soul returns home. Heaven is very much alive like earth, therefore our loved ones are not really dead. They just exist in a different form in Heaven. When it is our turn to graduate from earth school, we will reunite with them.

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Hi Maria,

I am so sorry for your loss. We all are here to help each other during this stupid journey. Please take care of yourself. Nice you got some signal..

Take care

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On 10/5/2017 at 2:39 PM, KMB said:

When we transition over, we have to shed the physical shell that housed our soul here. Our soul returns home. Heaven is very much alive like earth, therefore our loved ones are not really dead. They just exist in a different form in Heaven. When it is our turn to graduate from earth school, we will reunite with them.

Hallelujah and Amen!

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On 10/6/2017 at 6:37 PM, Francine said:
On 10/4/2017 at 11:00 PM, Maria0419 said:

 

How special is that!  Those are the kinds of things that encourage and help us through this.

Indeed! I know HE is  walking with me in this hard and painful journey.

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On 10/5/2017 at 3:39 PM, KMB said:

agree with KayC. The sermon about angels was meant for you. This life here is only a small part of our journey to Heaven. When we transition over, we have to shed the physical shell that housed our soul here. Our soul returns home. Heaven is very much alive like earth, therefore our loved ones are not really dead. They just exist in a different form in Heaven. When it is our turn to graduate from earth school, we will reunite with them.

Very comforting to know that I will still see and be together again with my husband. 

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