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TeddTodd

Missing My Dear

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Is going to be 4 mths now, from the day that I losses my boyfriend. We only have 1yr and 8 mths together and it was a long distance relationship, we were half the world apart and only get to meet once per year. We were far but yet so closed at heart. This year May, I took a week off and flew 24 hrs to be able to spend time with him and on Sunday he sent me off with the quick good bye kiss at Newark airport.  We were texting as I arrived at each transit airports and he was supposed to have our VDO call on Monday 7pm. He did not make it. I was waiting for him on the other side of the world, but no reply. I thought he wanted to me have a good rest so I decided to wait. Everyday before he goes to work at 5pm, he will text me and again there was no text. I was worried but told myself to be patience and his text came at 10am on Tuesday. I was so happy but shocked of my life it was his son using his dad phone to text me that his dad had passed away with heart attack last night. I was alone, lost and did not know what to do. When I started to pick myself up, I took the first possible flight to fly back 24 hrs to be in time to see him for one last time. As I was making my transit flight and calling his family, I almost fall to my kneel when I was told I was not in time for his cremation. His son decided to do it with the time slot available. I did not get to say good bye to him. His family received me with a lot of love and let me stayed with them and took me to his house so I can run through his stuff and pick anything I wanted to remember him by. 

From the first day at work together Sep 2015, we became good friends. We clicked the first time we met and we just get alone. He was not looking for someone and I wasn't either but we just enjoyed each other company. After 2 weeks of my business trip, I had to leave and we both looked at each other and we said to each other.... it was liked we have known each other forever. We exchanged emails for a year. Everyday his emails were my joy and mine were his. The bond was so strong that we decided to give it a try, to spend our very first holiday together. I flew back to USA on Sep 2016 to spend our very first holiday together - Westcoast Roadtrip. It was wonderful. We knew we have something and this year May 2017, a home trip to live his life as how he called it. He wanted me to try and we will make the big leap together after this trip. We were so comfortable together for every moment that we spent. He is now gone...... 

In 3 days time, it will be his 49 birthday which he will never get to celebrate like we did together in 2015 and 2016. I would have been in USA now if he is still here. I felt my half of me is gone with him or all of me is now gone. He was such a charming, kind, understanding patience, loving person. I have waited for 35 yrs to meet the perfect guy, he is my first love and now he is taken away from me. I been reading online to help me with my grief. I understand the feeling of loss that is being shared in this forum and also to see that each of us are trying to encourage one other. It hard really hard. I used to be so happy confident and now I dont even feel like laughing but rather cry or in tear every moment. I knew he wants me to happy, he loved my laughter and smile but it now useless without him. I wish him to be here with me but he is not. 

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I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know your pain only too well.  You seemed to have found the perfect guy; it was destined for you guys to meet no matter the distance between the two of you.  It seem to have been that once in a lifetime connection, the one that made you fill more alive than you ever had.  And when you feel that connection, that gut connection, that heart connection, you know it's right because you have that very special feeling.     I can only imagine your world is spinning out of control and while life is moving forward, you are stuck in the moment he left this world and that sadness will never go away.  Your worst nightmare is now your reality and there is nothing that can wake you up.   

I know it's difficult and since the day my Charles was taken from this earth, I have realized that one doesn't completely heal from grieving; they just learn to live one day at a time with a heartache that has become a part of them.  But even with that heartache,  you can promise yourself (and your loved one) to be so strong that nothing will disturb your peace of mind.  Remember the good things you both shared; the love and not the loss.  Count your blessings; not your burdens.  Good things can be bad if you look at the dark side; but on the other hand, bad things can be good if you look at the bright side.  Try to find the good side of things and while everyday may not to be good, there is something good in every day. 

You are going to miss him for sure, he was a special part of your life, and while you may not have had a long time together, the love you shared with one another appeared to have been a lifetime's worth.  Stay Strong because you are strong.

 I pray that God would grant you more than what you wished for, bless you more than what you asked for, and give you HIS strength to overcome it all.

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TeddTodd,

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you didn't get to see him one last time.  That has to be hard.  When I saw my husband's body, my immediate thought was, he's not there.  That's his empty discarded body that didn't serve him anymore, but he's someplace else.  My husband died just after he turned 51, also a heart attack.  We didn't get a long time together, we knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months to the day.  But we understood each other, related to each other, from day one.  It's one of those situations where you meet and can't imagine not having the other in your life..almost like your whole life up to that point was in preparation for this person.  And not having that phone call come when you're used to it (he always called me on his breaks at work) just leaves you feeling empty and calls start attention to his being gone.

This is the hard part, the adjusting to his being gone, the learning to continue on your own, but it can be done.  I've been doing it for 12 years now.  Even as I look at that sentence, it doesn't seem possible, I don't know where the years went, but you do it one day at a time.  Try to embrace the good that comes your way no matter how small.  And love yourself, for you, for him.

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Thank you Francine and KayC for the kind words. What you both say is so true and I keep telling myself that he would want me to smile (he always told me how much he loved my smile) but the feeling of sadness just fill me up all the time. I kept thinking of him what he had missed and that hurts. I loved to make him smile and laugh and I felt there is no purpose in life without him but I knew I have to continue living until is my time. I just dont know when but I wish I don't need to wait for too long. I can only hope and have faith in Jesus Christ that we will meet once again. 

What breaks my heart is the dreams that he had. He shared me his dreams. He worked so hard and 48yrs old was prime time of his life. He was at the point where work was stable, life was being a known routine, he knew what he wanted in your life and he had plans. There so much ahead of him. 

I do blame myself for not pushing him to go for check-up. We were talking about check-up and I told him that I will accompany him for check-up while I was there. He refused as he felt fine and he was a cyclist. He exercised! So how can his heart just failed? But then as I kept reading online article, check-up may or may not help. But this are "if" this and that, and I know, it will not bring him back. Everyday and with everything I do, I will have his words ringing in my head. What he had told me and it makes me miss him terribly. I just dont know what is the best way to handle this ringing in my head, the constant reminder of him and it just put me in tears all the time. I am on this roller coaster ride of grief. Sometime I do want the sadness to go away and to be able to embrace all the good time that we had together but then I also feel that I am loosing him one more time if I get out of this sadness. 

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His birthday reminder popped on my email! But it won't be his birthday, because he is no longer here to celebrate his birthday. Other marked day on my calendar. I fear of this moment, other day of breaking down and cry my heart out and wanted him to be so badly. His smiles and laughter that I missed so much. 

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Next week we have indian Karwachauth festival in which women do fasting whole day for long life of their husband. This year I will not celebrate , I have no idea how I am going to spend that day, seeing other girls in office with traditional dresses.

There are many marks going to come in our way, and we have to better prepare ourselves for that.

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TeddTodd, I am deeply sorry. I know your pain. All of us know the pain. We keep asking "why" and other questions. We will never know the true answers, as to how this life operates the way it does, until it is turn to transition over.

Sending you prayers for comfort and peace.

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5 hours ago, TeddTodd said:

His birthday reminder popped on my email! But it won't be his birthday, because he is no longer here to celebrate his birthday. Other marked day on my calendar. I fear of this moment, other day of breaking down and cry my heart out and wanted him to be so badly. His smiles and laughter that I missed so much. 

It’s still his birthday. I’m not saying you have to celebrate it but if you want to you shouldn’t feel weird about that either. My wife died the day before her 35th bday. It was crushing to not be able to watch her open her gifts or go to dinner but I got her a balloon and wrote a message on it and let it go for her. I wanted to make sure she knew I didn’t forget it was her day.

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I agree with Djh, I still consider it his birthday, and remember him.  It's not the same, but those days will always be with us.  Djh, I did the same thing on George's first birthday after he died.

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I have prepared his birthday present for him in May-17 before he passed in June-17. I wanted to surprize him. This is like a big sad joke. I run through our photos his photos and those smiles and those eyes....

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