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Loss changes you


sadandlost

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I believe loss changes you.   It changes how you view the world and the people around you.  People you once connected with, suddenly they get on your nerves and you can barely bare to be around them and listen to their moans about nothing.  Loss can make you withdrawn and withdraw from others.  Maybe because the pain of loss you can never truly understand until you go through it?  I have known people who have gone through big losses.  I knew someone (not a friend)  who suddenly lost their partner.  He just died of a heart attack  in a chair.  The same person lost their adult daughter soon after.  I have thought about her over the years and wondered how she has coped with 2 big losses in a short period of time?  How do you re build your life?  How do you carry on?  Its the question I ask myself constantly since I lost my mother.  After the shock wears off,  what next?  No one tells you how empty you will feel, how everything feels meaningless and hollow.  How long does it go on for?  Years?  Sometimes I feel the pain in my throat, like a huge lump, a huge restriction and its hard to swallow.  I feel it physically like its a big thing there blocking and I can feel it when I do swallow.  Psychologically I think its there because the death of my mother is so hard to swallow.  How could it have happened?  Even though you know this is part of life, this is what happens, there is still that disbelief of how did it happen?  What now?  What's next?  How does one go on?   I feel like I have lost my voice.  When someone casually asks, how are you? (in a general way)  I say, ok.  Its a lie though.  I know that people don't really want to know.  People are uncomfortable.  People don't know what to say so I have got used to saying nothing.  its why I become irritated by people moaning about things that are silly.  Still though, I say nothing.  What is there to say?  I feel like I have lost my place in the world.  I am still here, she is not.  She has disappeared.  Why do I feel so lost and child like all over again?  I'm a grown up.  I've always been independent.  I have had adventures, travelled, lived in different countries, started new lives but now I feel paralysed.  Unable to move.  Changed forever by loss.  

I wish I had the courage to say to the people around me, to the friends who aren't in touch, people who think you should be over it after a few months.  I wish I had the courage to say, you have no idea!!  To my best friend of 3 decades who basically dumped me after my mother died because I told her I would have expected her to be more thoughtful.  (she never called, never sent a card or email) just ended our friendship via email.  I wish i had had the courage to reply to her and say, all the times I've been there for you over 30 yrs and you quit our friendship now?  When I am going through the worst time in my life?  instead I didn't respond.  She never contacted me again.  

For everyone here who feels alone and lost in the world.  I understand how you feel and I hope we will all get through this in time.  I hope we will discover a new way to be in the world.  I hope we will all be more compassionate to others.

 

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I totally agree with all you've said. Two years on I still feel this way. I hate my life without my mother.

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Dear Lisa K,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I hope we will all have easier times in the future.  I don't know when that will be for any of us but I do hope we will settle into a new way of being that won't always be filled with sadness.

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