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His death is a rose...


sun-child

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My dad's death was and is like a rose, 

so beautiful and yet so painful.

The rose is one of the most beautiful flowers because of its overlapping petals that flow, and one of the most painful because of its thorns.

The difference is i couldn't cut the thorns off when it came for my dad to leave. And the after part.

I say its beautiful because he is with God, he is resting, he got to fly with the angels and now is in the best place called home.

But its that beauty that hurts like you can't catch a breath or catch your balance.

And no matter how you tried it doesn't go away and it can't go away.

I love my father so deeply and was always with him and now that he has left I can't seem to remember how to live.

It's makes a year and and 8  months tomorrow, and that is too long for me to be away from my father, a day without hearing his voice is too long. 

I regret going to live with my mom after my junior year. He got sick instantly after i left, we got into a huge fight and i didn't see him the whole summer or fall, but secretly asked my brother how he was doing. My dad refused to see me as much as i tried. 

Then one day, few days before thanksgiving i came out of class and turned on my home, i had miss calls and messages form my two sisters that he drove himself to the hospital because he didn't feel good.  

I panicked right away and called him first, my voice was shaky. He has always been in and out of the hospital my whole life, so it was nothing new. But each time it was scary since it had to do with his heart. He kept repeating he was okay and reassured me not to come and promised he be okay until i calmed down. He said he would let me know if he had to stay or go home. After that day he never step one foot out of that hospital or drove back home. He was there for 3 month, until January 29th... I left my senior year in the middle of it to take care of him and got fired from my job because i refused to leave his side once it got towards the end. In the first weeks, i juggled school and work.

But once the doctor told us he wouldn't have much time. I dropped it all to be near him even if it was for a few days, i spent days and nights and only went home to shower. I ate downstairs only for a few minutes. It was a sunday and i was gonna take my puppy to the emergency room, when i got a call. My aunt had said he had a heart attack and needed me or one of my sisters there. I called a friend right away to take my puppy and headed straight to my dad. I got 10 days with him after that. And i will eternally grateful to God. That same night we thought he wasn't going to make it but i stood up in the waiting room crying and praying to God to wake him up at least once so i can say I love you. I slept for an hour early the next morning. I walked in his room and he wasn't in the bubble anymore, he was in blankets, it was a miracle. I was so scared that i walked slowly and whispered dad, he just opened them and close them. The doctors said it  was a miracle that he came through.

In those 10 days were the hardest, he couldn't swallow and had a feeding tube, he had restraints to keep him from pulling the tube and iv cords and from kicking, he cried a lot and had nightmares, he could barely talk, he forgot sometimes where he was, or that he has been in the hospital and wanted to go home, he even forgot who i was and my sibling and our dogs and home. That moment broke my heart, i held in tears and later on cried when i wasn't with him. Things were looking better, they switched him to a different floor and said he will be going home soon, he would just need a nurse full time at home. I was happy to get to have him back home soon. I had hope he would be okay. The school called one day to pick up my withdraw papers, it was a thursday, he didn't want me to leave, but i left. I kept promising i won't be long and return. When i got there, the school said if i presented my final exams that i would pass automatically into 2nd semester when i decided to return. I wanted my father to be proud and tell him that i passed all my classes, that i was doing good once in school, and that i was good child. He didn't have to worry about bad grades or trouble or detention. I thought it be nice to tell him. So i stayed. And presented them all and pass each one. Once i came out my sisters invited me to check out a different hospital he would be transferred, i wanted to go to make sure  he would get the best care.

Once we finished and they dropped me off at the hospital where my father was, i told them to come up and told them that my dad asked for them and i promised that i come back but also bring them. They came and on our way up, we were joking and laughing, we didn't know what was waiting for us. As we walk out the elevator and turn. We see doctors and nurses all bundle up in front of a door. My heart dropped and my sisters said thats not his room, i begin to run, it all felt slow motion, and said no it is, thats his. I stop and see that they were doing chest compressions by hand and the machine, when all the nurses saw me they knew who i was. They recognized me and tears roll down they're faces, i was paralyzed. They got him back and rushed him to ICU, i was told 10 minutes before i came he got the heart attack. If i was there before those 10 minutes I don't know... I promised him i return soon..he didn't want me to go...what was he doing...was he sleeping...watching television..awake...his last words... 

The doctor came into the waiting room and said he wouldn't recover from this, the ventilator was helping him breathe, we would have to make our decisions, 1) do we want him on the machines when it came his time, 2) do we want them to do chest compressions if he has another attack, 3) should they put a magnet on his pace maker so he wont come back. 

My sisters were to destroyed to make those decisions, it was left up to me, i said No don't put him on the machines, no don't the chest compressions and yes put the magnet. 

I saw how he struggled, how he cried, and heard his cries and pleads to help him stop the pain and that he was tired. I knew it was right. 

The next morning, we were told he was brain dead and didn't have much time, i was asked if i wanted the ventilator off of him, i said yes. My sisters were in the room with me and hospice people. I sat there holding his hand tight. We were there for hours, the oldest told me and my other sister to get food since we haven't eaten, as we were about to leave, they told us his heart stop for awhile and that it be time soon, so we stayed. 

We took him off the ventilator, they told us, he could breathe on his own for hours, minutes or days. Or not even at all. It just depended on him. I moved from holding his hands to gripping his legs like i did when i was little and be frightened by a dog or just anything. It was around 3 o'clock, i kept just watching his face and his chest, it wasn't a horrible image as they said, you could tell in some moments he had a difficulty breathing. Then all of sudden his chest stop moving, i froze and just stared at him all paralyzed. The doctor who had been watching his heart beats on a screen in the office, came in and said that he was gone. I buried my head in his legs and grip them tighter ever before than i did in my entire life. He was breathing on his own for 30 minutes. 

I know I wrote a lot to whoever reads this and i'm sorry  but i just needed to get it all out. I miss him more than words can explain, and it hurts so much more than tears can show, i didn't think he would leave. For every trip at the hospital he would come home, he would be okay. But this time he wasn't ok. I don't know how to live a life without him or how to find my way back to live in the "real" world, my brain is stuck there in the hospital. For 17 years i have not been without my dad and i don't know how to be without him. I wish i could be with him more than anything, to go home and stay with him forever.

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Dear sun-child,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dad.  Thank you for sharing your story.  It is heartbreaking and I cried reading it.  You are so young to have this happen and to have grown up with your father in and out of hospital.  I could feel your pain as I read your so eloquently written post.  I understand how you don't know how to be  anymore.  I understand it because I feel the same level of loss for my mother.  Loss changes you.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I knew who I was before but now I feel so withdrawn that everything feels meaningless or I distract myself enough to not feel the pain as much.  I don't know how long it takes to get through the very rough part of loss.  I thought after 6 months that i turned a corner but I turned a corner for a brief few days, maybe a week then another layer begins.  I am very sorry for your pain and hope that one day soon it will lessen and you will feel yourself.  Don't forget that you are part of your dad.  You carry him around in your veins, in your blood, you are part of him and he is part of you forever.  Life will not be the same but you can honour him in how you choose to live.  When you are ready that is.  In time...

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