I felt regret for not taking you home dad.

[CarlJo]

I'm the only child in my family, I loss my mom when I was thirteen years old. I did not felt as sad as I am now when I get to know my mom passed away. Probably it was because the fact that I knew it was coming due to her cancerous cells are getting worse day by day, I was prepared for that moment. However, my dad had a stroke this years in the late April.He was in semiconscious for months, due to the bleeding in his brain is affecting his speech, and right limb. The doctor said it would not be a wise choice to conduct a surgery due to his age at 71 and the condition he's in. They try to use medication to stabilize his blood pressure to prevent further damage. Until my father condition was stabilize I decide to transfer him to a nursing home. Due to the condition of my dad, he needs to be fed through feeding tube. I called my friend to help me out, so he agree to help and he drove me all the nearby nursing home that are available. Unfortunately, I cannot afford all of the nursing fees. I wish that I can take care of my dad by myself, but I could not risk to quit my job in such short notice. If I did I have to paid the company back in such short terms of notice. However, I was lucky enough that my babysitter who use to babysit me about two decades ago her daughters help me out to negotiated a nursing fees that are significantly lower than the others would take for a patient who is bedridden. They help me out on the transportation fees and arranged my the transport from hospital to the nursing home as well as the nursing fees for following three months.I really appreciate them.
The following month and month my father's condition starts to improve starts to gain ability to sit, learning to walk again as well as eating and talking. I thought everything was going well, my dad is recovering from the stroke. I thought it was going just fine, until last week thursday I was been told my dad admitted to the hospital again due to his breathing complication. The doctor told me he had some stuff in his lung. It was then confirmed he had pneumonia, by then it was too late. I always thought my dad would recover from the stroke I always thought he could one day regain strength and walk again without the help of his physciatric. Later this week on tuesday the doctor told me he is not getting any better he might be gone anytime. I could not belief this is happening so quick, I was too weak minded I am afraid to loss my father I avoided to see him or to talk to him. While I was on the way going back home, I just received text message from nursing home saying that my dad had pass away. I wish I made another decision instead of sending my dad to a nursing home, why don't I just get him back home and took care of him myself. I regret that I did not took him home when he request to go home he always told me he wants to go home. I felt sorry for my father I didnt took you home. After the funeral, I went back home look back those old photos it shows how much care my parents gave me makes me even sad because I felt that I can do much better than this I could have visit my dad more often in the nursing home and during the time in the hospital.

[ModKonnie]

CarlJo,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. Yes, your parents cared for you and did a great job; however, your father required care and resources you simply did not have. Stop beating yourself up. You did the very best you could. I'm sure he loved you and will always continue to love you despite the fact he had to get care outside of his home. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[sadandlost]

DearCarljo,

Im so sorry for your loss.  It's a really sad story and I feel for what you're going through.  My mother died in hospital.  I never thought she was going to die.  The hospital care was not good, they were very short on staff.  I was there with her for weeks then I had to leave.  She deteriorated and then she died.  I have so many regrets.  Different regrets that go back long before she went into hospital.  The painful thing is we all have regrets because death is so final and we can't go back and do something different.  So most of us are haunted by the could have, should have, didn't.  We are left with this.  I know this because I read everyone's posts and see so much regret.  We all did the best we could at the time.  It is traumatic coping with our parents illness, hospitals etc... we did what we could.  It's a difficult time for you.  The shock of loss is painful and goes on for a few months.  I'm sorry for what you've been through.  We are to listen and share.

[CarlJo]

21/Nov/17

I knew I would not be a good care giver during those time when my father needed to be fed through tube. But as time goes by he started to eat food without tube feeding. I thought I could have the chance to bring him home and I could take care of him.It was just about time my contract ended, I planned to bring my father back home after September month end. I didn't expect that he will ended up in the hospital with pneumonia and 5 days later he died. I am not even there with him during those final moments.It's too difficult for me to not get emotional. I've cried, it didn't help.Filled with regrets, I started to have suicide thoughts lately.  

[sadandlost]

Dear Carljo,

 I’m so sorry.  I know how painful and hard it is.  We all know.  I know how hard it is when everything feels meaningless and you feel you can’t go on, the pain is overwhelming.  Take it one day at a time, hour by hour.  You can survive this.  Grief is crippling but I do believe in time it will be less crippling.  I’m not saying we’re all going to be happy again, loss changes everything.  I do believe that eventually we can learn to rebuild ourselves though.  I hope so.  We are here and listening to you.

[CarlJo]

02/02/2018

Couldn't get over those guilty feelings of my, all those flash back moments with my dad appears in my head frequently.
I didn't learn to cherish, took my parents existence for granted.

 

[reader]

Dear CarlJo,

Please know these thoughts and feelings are part of your grief. It can take a long time to work through all these moments.

I too felt very guilty and had a lot of regret when my father passed. It was torture. It took me a year to of crying and thinking and thinking again. I know it is not easy.

You loved your mom and dad very much. We all do the best we can and I know its a lot easier said than done, but try to be kind to yourself.

Please know we are here for you. Thinking of you.