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nicoleashley94

Almost five months now

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Hi all- 

Its been almost five months now since I lost my boyfriend. Im finding the pain to be a different sort of unbearable now compared to previously. I wrote this a few days ago to explain how I feel:  

A new kind of sadness has moved in

It's the kind of sadness when you realize how much time has passed and their death is actually starting to feel real - whether you're ready for it or not 

It's the kind of sadness when you realize you do need to move on and you realize you can have a life with another person. 

You forget memories and everything is mashed together and confusing and you get mad at yourself because why can't you remember clearly?? 

It's a nagging pain. It constantly looks for your attention and needs to be tended to. If you don't tend to it in the quiet moments, it'll burst onto the scene when you're at work or some other inopportune time. 

You feel your temporary strength diminishing and wonder where the hell did all the motivation within me to live my best life go to? 

You realize living is hard and there are ups and downs, always. 

Grief doesn't dissipate over night and there's nothing wrong with that, or with you. 

 

I dont know why it appears in a larger font. Oh well. 

I guess I'm just ultimately looking for someone who relates, as I have been feeling very alone and have been isolating a lot. I just feel so horrifyingly sad and it is interfering with graduate school.

 

Thanks for listening. 

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I definitely relate to that new sadness you speak of.  I still get sad about everything that has happened and I guess I'll always feel that sadness. Every now and then, it just hits me and sometimes it takes days for me to get over it.  But that's the funny thing about this new sadness; it consumes all that you are, and when it eventually spits you out, you're never the same. Its sad when the person who gave you the best memories, becomes a memory.   I think one should remember that pain and sadness are a part of growing and everything in life is temporary.  Worrying and complaining changes nothing and your scars are symbols of your strength.  Every little struggle is a step forward and what is meant to be, will be.   The best thing anyone can do is keep going.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, perhaps it is about learning to dance in the rain.  Now since my Charles left this earth,  I don't know what I want for my life or if I want a life at all without him.  I couldn't tell you what I want right now. I don't open up to people anymore and I don't let a lot of people in, like I used to.  I'm more guarded,  my mindset is different now and I'm not the same person I was before,  just because of one person - my Charles.  All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me alive, and one day I'm afraid, there won't be any of me left.

 Whatever the task is ahead, you will never be greater than the strength within you.  Strength doesn't come from what you CAN do, it comes from OVERCOMING the things you thought you couldn't.

 

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The sadness is always just under the surface - or on the surface.  The smallest thing can bring it all back.  There are no words.

I would like to weigh in on the "moving on" aspect.  This is just my opinion.

People who tell you to move on have never been through this hell.  What they mean is that they want to move on from seeing you like this.  They can't handle it.  It's not about you.  But when people make that ignorant statement, it's easy to get mad.

Some people get re-married within a few months.  Others, like me (it's been 15.5 months) will NEVER be romantically involved again.  Never. Zero desire.  She was, and is, the love of my life.  Companionship?  Sure.  Love?  Nope.  I travel by myself, I sleep with one of her gloves no matter where I am, I talk to her, and I think about her all day.

There is basically no right and wrong here.  Exception:  Dealing with this in the way that others want you to. 

 

 

 

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9 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

What they mean is that they want to move on from seeing you like this. 

So true, and that's why they give stupid advice even make harsh comments. Sometime I just want to shut them up and want to tell them, shut your mouth until you are in my shoe but then I don't want any of them in my situation so I cry silently and ignore to give them any answer.

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That describes it well...a kind of a sadness.  I put it that I have learned to coexist with my grief.  It's always there, lurking just beneath the surface.  I've had to work, carry on with tasks at home, continue with life, but the grief lives with me too.  I can smile at my grandbabies and derive pleasure from them, I can enjoy being with my children or sisters, but life is never the same.  We can recognize what good there is in life and embrace it but all the while, we have this partner in life, his name is Grief.

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Kay,you describe that very well: the grief,the sadness is lurking in the background,it is always there.And it does not require much to 'stick it's head up' and interfere with whatever you were doing.I sincerely hope that 'it' will not stay my partner for ever!!

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13 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

The sadness is always just under the surface - or on the surface.  The smallest thing can bring it all back.  There are no words.

I would like to weigh in on the "moving on" aspect.  This is just my opinion.

People who tell you to move on have never been through this hell.  What they mean is that they want to move on from seeing you like this.  They can't handle it.  It's not about you.  But when people make that ignorant statement, it's easy to get mad.

Some people get re-married within a few months.  Others, like me (it's been 15.5 months) will NEVER be romantically involved again.  Never. Zero desire.  She was, and is, the love of my life.  Companionship?  Sure.  Love?  Nope.  I travel by myself, I sleep with one of her gloves no matter where I am, I talk to her, and I think about her all day.

There is basically no right and wrong here.  Exception:  Dealing with this in the way that others want you to. 

So right with everything, Jeff. Others don't know how to cope with the different person we have become. It makes them uncomfortable. They want the "old" us back.  They don't look at it from the perspective that our loss HAS changed us. We will never be our"old" selves again because that person left with our loved one. In a way, others have sustained a loss in who we used to be. They are grieving, but in a different way that they probably don't even perceive as grieving. They just want us to be normal, so they can feel normal. All of us would like nothing more to be our "old" selves, but that is never going to happen, since we cannot have our soul mate back who completed who we used to be.

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14 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Some people get re-married within a few months.  Others, like me (it's been 15.5 months) will NEVER be romantically involved again.  Never. Zero desire.  She was, and is, the love of my life.  Companionship?  Sure.  Love?  Nope.  I travel by myself, I sleep with one of her gloves no matter where I am, I talk to her, and I think about her all day.

This is exactly how I feel after 11 weeks of my partners death. This is exactly how I will feel for the rest of my life. I have found the one already. The search is complete for me. No such a need to look for another!

I just have to live thorugh this pain until we are together again and do good things in his memory as much as I can. But this is harder than anything I could ever imagine!

14 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

People who tell you to move on have never been through this hell.  What they mean is that they want to move on from seeing you like this.  They can't handle it.  It's not about you.  But when people make that ignorant statement, it's easy to get mad.

This is SO spot on! They want to move on from this new dim version of us. As if its possible...

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

This is exactly how I feel after 11 weeks of my partners death. This is exactly how I will feel for the rest of my life. I have found the one already. The search is complete for me. No such a need to look for another!

I just have to live thorugh this pain until we are together again and do good things in his memory as much as I can. But this is harder than anything I could ever imagine!

This is SO spot on! They want to move on from this new dim version of us. As if its possible...

I agree. Jeff seems similar to the spot a few of us find ourselves in

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Nicole, thank you for the beautiful post.  It is very touching but sad at the same time.  I think we can all relate.

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Hi Nicole,  I agree. We can all relate. As the roughest parts of grieving start to recede, and the all consuming, constant sadness remains, that is what we are left with to carry with us forever.

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Jeff,

17 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

grief is love turned inside out

So apt!

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