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JME

Loss of husband

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I'm  new here. I lost my husband suddenly on Aug 21, 2017. He was killed by a driver who came out of his lane and hit him head on. Since then my life has been a train wreck. I don't  know how to live without him. We were married out of high school. We've would've  been married 34 years this december. All my adult life has been with him. People say it gets easier but I can't  imagine how or when. Everyday is a struggle to get through. I feel so alone even though I  am surrounded by people. He kissed me goidbye and went to work and never came back. I didn't  see him again until his funeral and even then he didn't  look like himself. I'm  in a bit of denial I  think. And I'm  angry that this happened.  Angry at the man who did this. The investigation is still open so we do not know why this man went out of his lane yet. How do you cope day to day with this kind of loss? I am truly struggling here. 

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Hi, JME I am new as well, it has been over a year for me and it doesn't seem to get easier. I to am struggling but there are a lot of very nice people going through the same thing here and are very helpful. They understand things that most don't because they have felt and are still feeling the pain of loss. So just keep posting what you need to say, there is compassion and sympathy here for you from everyone.  Again I am so sorry for your loss.

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JME,  I am sorry for the tragic manner in which you lost your husband. I can understand your anger in that someone is responsible for ending his life.  They just didn't end his life, they ended yours as well. Family and friends lost him also. One person's death affects so many and in your case, all at the hands of one irresponsible driver. It is unfair and incomprehensible.

I am glad you have a support system. It is so important to have others there for us. Someone to give us a hug, hold our hand, listen, do errands or chores, make sure we eat a little, keep ourselves hydrated. It is very hard to do the most basics of functioning in the early weeks and months.

I know the shock you were in at first. Then along comes denial. The wishing and hoping that it was all a nightmare that we are going to awake from, and our loved one is going to come walking back in the door.

'Our grieving IS a daily struggle. Which is why it is suggested to do it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Over time, it does get different, a little "easier", for lack of the never quite right words. I didn't believe any of this either in the beginning. I actually thought my body was going to explode from the intensity, pressure of the pain. There were many times I wished that it had. Obviously, our bodies and minds have a strong will to survive. To somehow keep going, day after day.

We are all one big grief family here. We don't know each other personally, but we have the commonality of losing our soul mates. There is no judging or criticizing done here. We are free to express our thoughts and feelings in any manner. We can cry, vent, be angry or whatever. We all "get it" when others in our immediate environment haven't gone through this type of loss themselves.

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On 9/27/2017 at 8:49 AM, JME said:

I'm  new here

 

Dian, Andy and I have very good threads with lots of topics. In one of these topics I posted about helping “newcomers”.

Newcomers please see "Table of contents" attachment and then word search this forum.”

 

I’m never happy to see newcomers post to this forum for the “Loss” is always sad. You're not alone and If you need any help just Msg me.

 

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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On 9/27/2017 at 8:49 AM, JME said:

We were married out of high school. We've would've  been married 34 years this december. All my adult life has been with him. People say it gets easier but I can't  imagine how or when. Everyday is a struggle to get through. I feel so alone even though I  am surrounded by people. And I'm  angry that this happened.  Angry at the man who did this. The investigation is still open so we do not know why this man went out of his lane yet. How do you cope day to day with this kind of loss? I am truly struggling here. 

I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing.  High school sweethearts sounds like a fairytale story; unfortunately, you didn't get a chance to live the "Happily Ever After" part.  I too was married young, Charles and I were both 20 and I was blessed to have had 45 years with the man of my dreams.  For that I am so grateful and appreciative.  Of course you're angry, frightened; overwhelmed and very lonely - you're supposed to be - you've just lost your husband, your companion, the person you shared your life with, a part of yourself.  Don't be surprise that it will get worse before it gets better.  There's no magic cure, no making it all go away forever.  There are only small steps upward; an easier day here or there; an unexpected laugh; a mirror that doesn't matter anymore or perhaps a precious memory and a smile that creases the corners of your mouth.

On 9/27/2017 at 8:49 AM, JME said:

How do you cope day to day with this kind of loss? I am truly struggling here. 

I'm still coping as well; but people have passed this information on to me and I've found it very helpful.   Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can understand you.  You might think about joining support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.  Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; .  Take care of your health. Be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past and something your loved one would want for you.  Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes; give yourself time to adjust to your loss.  Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss.  Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to help work through your grief. It's a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.  Embrace your Spirituality.  If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.  Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious belief.

My prayer is that God gives you the strength to go on; when you are discouraged, HE gives you hope; and when you're afraid, HE gives you peace.

 

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JME

I am so sorry for your tragic loss.  I know it's all a shock, you expected to live through old age together and now through someone else's fault, your life is turned upside down.  You undoubtedly want the other person held accountable, and yet even that won't bring relief, you are still without your husband.

You say people say it will get easier...not sure if that's a right term or not, but it won't always feel this intensely painful, and eventually we do adjust some and learn to do our lives even with all of the changes this has meant to it.  It affects every aspect of our being so it's not easy and doesn't just happen, esp. overnight.  Grief is hard work and the more effort we put into our grief work, the better it goes for us.  I remember feeling angry at the suggestion I'd have to do anything, after all, I did not ask for this!  It IS unfair!   It's been 12 years since my journey began, and I want to share with you some things I learned on my journey.  Often when this hits, we don't even know where to begin, what to do.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

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