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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

 It certainly doesn't feel like it right now, but no one lives forever.  Life is complex, isn't it?  So many people out there fighting for their life, and then there are those of us wishing for the opposite. All of humanity is fighting a battle of some kind.

I wish I could just be a "donor" and give the rest of my life to someone else who needs it.   I certainly don't.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

 

8 hours ago, KMB said:

Ed was my rock too. Always took care of the big things. The feeling of being safe and secure is gone now. I'm left to stand on my own.

While my wife was here, I felt like I'm invincible.  With her by my side, things always fell into place and we were alway able to accomplish what we wanted together.

 

I felt invincible too. Ed and I met every challenge head on, together. Now, I feel so very much lost and alone. I know he is with me spiritually, but it is not the same as seeing his face, feeling his hug and hearing his voice. There are just no words adequate in describing this nightmare.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

wish I could just be a "donor" and give the rest of my life to someone else who needs it.

I wonder if a medical/scientific program exists for that?  My organs are all in great shape as far as I know. What would be wrong with donating for the good of quite a few people who do want to be here? We could be humanely euthanized and our organs harvested.  Would it still be considered suicide by the powers that be or seen as a sacrifice for humanity? One person's life in exchange for the several that could be saved to live.

Can't believe I actually put those kind of thoughts out there. Grieving does some crazy crap.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I felt invincible too. Ed and I met every challenge head on, together. Now, I feel so very much lost and alone. I know he is with me spiritually, but it is not the same as seeing his face, feeling his hug and hearing his voice. There are just no words adequate in describing this nightmare.

Lauri and clicked. We brought so much love and joy to living. She always told me "I've never felt so loved and secure in all my life." I felt the same. I felt like I could do anything. I was ok for some of today but now I'm falling apart again. Life without her here feels meaningless. I miss her so much. 

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I wish I could just be a "donor" and give the rest of my life to someone else who needs it.   I certainly don't.

I wish there was some technology that if you want to donate your some remaining years to your partner. Although my husband wouldn't ready for this but I am damn sure I convince him for sure because I knew how to convince him. 

I wish science invent this type of technology in future so that other people can take benefit from this.

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I couldn't believe it yesterday when I got to church and looked at the "sermon notes" insert in my bulletin.  I nearly cried!  I'd been up most of the night listening to the water pouring in from the roof, unable to sleep...it had started at 10 pm so I'd had no choice but wait until morning to call someone.  But neither could I sleep.  And we all know what those sleepless nights are like, and how the thoughts turn to how alone we are, how different it'd be if he was here, etc.

So I look at this insert and in huge capitals it says
What do you live with that is 

    HARD?

        HURTS/

            LEAVES YOU ALONE/LONELY?

                SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE?

Our pastor has never suffered loss like we have.  Yet his sermon was right on.  He said it came to him when he was reading a blog (possibly a forum because he spoke of several people feeling this way and blogs are usually written singularly).  Yes, there's a whole slew of us out here, feeling alone, hurting.  And it doesn't end at year one.  
As KMB said, now we're left to stand on our own.  And like you, KMB, I'm glad this life is temporary. I hope and pray I don't live to 90.  I know people in their 90s that are doing well, clear minds, but they also have kids nearby that are supportive.  I don't want to do this alone that long.  But every time the thought occurs, I try to push it out of my mind and remember to just handle one day at a time.  One day I can handle.  Sometimes I don't like the day I have to do, but it's just one day, I can push through it.

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

I wonder if a medical/scientific program exists for that?  My organs are all in great shape as far as I know. What would be wrong with donating for the good of quite a few people who do want to be here? We could be humanely euthanized and our organs harvested.  Would it still be considered suicide by the powers that be or seen as a sacrifice for humanity? One person's life in exchange for the several that could be saved to live.

Can't believe I actually put those kind of thoughts out there. Grieving does some crazy crap.

I believe you can do this in Belgium if you are diagnosed as being gravely depressed.  I mean you can choose to euthanize yourself.  Don't ask me how I found out.

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

 There are just no words adequate in describing this nightmare.

I woke up today knowing it was not going to be one of the better days.   It's somewhat chilly and windy today as I walked from the parking garage to my work building.  It's giving me a glimpse of how gloomy and numb thing my world is going to be when winter and the holiday comes around the corner.

My co-worker in the elevator said to me "I hope you have a better morning."   I guess it's obvious that I look and feel like crap today.

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KayC,  Wow, your pastor sure was spot on with his sermon insert. Kind of uncanny how he picked that particular sermon. Quite a few of us here were dealing with the grief hitting hard over the weekend. I know some of what I posted reflected my constant sadness. Weekends are always going to be hard, no matter what we do to get through them. I spent a few hours with my daughter and son on Saturday. We went out for lunch and stopped at Walmart since each of us had a few things to pick up for ourselves. I got home around the supper hour and the loneliness hit me in the face as soon as I walked in the door. It hurts so much when you want to share with that one person who is no longer here. I still find it hard to acknowledge that this is my reality.  Ed and I were essentially like one person sharing a heart and soul. Even though I have made some progress, I just don't see myself getting beyond where I am at. I am a shadow of the person I used to be. I figure that is ok. I'm taking it day by day. I have chores and projects to keep me busy. I spend time with the kids here and there, visit a friend or two. I am trying. That alone is enough. If I go through the rest of my life just trying, that is ok.

My kids have their own lives. But, like you KayC, I'm still mostly alone. I can't fathom doing this long term into my 70's, 80's or even 90's. Grieving has already taken its toll on me. I'm sure it will continue doing so.

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10 minutes ago, KMB said:

 I can't fathom doing this long term into my 70's, 80's or even 90's. Grieving has already taken its toll on me. I'm sure it will continue doing so.

I am afraid of making 40's and you are  mentioning 70's , 80's, can't even think about that. i think I will be die in next few years if I live like this , like I am living now.

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Azipod, Sorry the day is crummy for you. Dealing with light showers here last night and into this morning. Windy too. Typical fall day.

Interesting what you said about Belgium. Had to figure that someplace in the world had already been thinking along the donor sacrifice lines.

We live in a world of pain and suffering. I used to be one of those that was the happiest person and now, I'm on the opposite end. I got up this morning, turned the news on and learned of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. More pain there. Victims, survivors, of the weather disasters. Puerto Rico suffering from not getting supplies fast enough. Where is this all going?

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5 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

am afraid of making 40's and you are  mentioning 70's , 80's, can't even think about that. i think I will be die in next few years if I live like this , like I am living now.

I mentioned the ages I did because I am 58. I am healthy as far as I know. I am not on meds for anything. I don't even want to go too far into my 60's, to be honest. Sadness, loneliness, missing my husband, is what I live with. Anything else about life that is meant to be enjoyed, doesn't cut it for me. This planet is going to keep revolving and life is going to keep moving forward, no matter if I want to join in or not.

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

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15 minutes ago, KMB said:

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

KMB I am really sorry if I hurt you, I was saying for myself that I can't imagine to live in 70's. 

I know loosing spouse at any age is painful but loosing them t young age just double the pain. We feel bad about death in young age and at same time we see death of our dreams as well. 

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I wish we could all meet up or something. Maybe it would be helpful if we all lived in a little commune of sad half-people.

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6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I wish we could all meet up or something. Maybe it would be helpful if we all lived in a little commune of sad half-people.

I wish if this would possible because sometimes I really miss any friend who understands my situation and pain, with whom I can talk. I wish I had one good close friend apart from my husband.

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58 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I wish if this would possible because sometimes I really miss any friend who understands my situation and pain, with whom I can talk. I wish I had one good close friend apart from my husband.

The sad part is I thought I did have a close friend apart from my wife and it turns out I was wrong. She really was all I had.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

 

3 hours ago, KMB said:

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

KMB I am really sorry if I hurt you, I was saying for myself that I can't imagine to live in 70's. 

I know loosing spouse at any age is painful but loosing them t young age just double the pain. We feel bad about death in young age and at same time we see death of our dreams as well. 

 

Don't worry, LoveGoli, your words didn't hurt. This is our reality. I really don't feel that anything else that could happen in my life, could possibly hurt as much as losing my husband. One exception, losing one of my children. Gosh, if that happened, that would be the end of me for sure.

Losing a life partner at no matter the age is the worst. When you are young, dreams of the future, career accomplishments and plans for a family are gone. When you are up in age, the plans for the future are gone as well. Sharing the joy of grandchildren, possible great-grandchildren and enjoying your retirement plans. No matter what age, the loss is tremendous and painful.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

I got up this morning, turned the news on and learned of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. 

Two wishes.   First I wished I was there and fatally wounded.  Second.... Since I was not there, I wish I could give me life to one of the victims who actually wanted to live.  Because I don't.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

It's tough for all ages.  When you're young, you wonder how you're going to make it through all the remainder of your lifetime without that person.    If I took a guess, I have at least 40-years to go.

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

I believe you can do this in Belgium if you are diagnosed as being gravely depressed.  I mean you can choose to euthanize yourself.  Don't ask me how I found out.

Oh really? I could drive to Belgium in 5-6 hours! I wonder if I'd need to be a citizen... Where did you find out? : P

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15 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Two wishes.   First I wished I was there and fatally wounded.  Second.... Since I was not there, I wish I could give me life to one of the victims who actually wanted to live.  Because I don't.

My thoughts exactly... Why we, the ones who want to be dead, get killed instead of people who have a lot to live for? Its like we get the double of unfair.. First losing our soulmates, then not being able to die to join them... 

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23 hours ago, Azipod said:

While my wife was here, I felt like I'm invincible.  With her by my side, things always fell into place and we were alway able to accomplish what we wanted together.   She also made me feel loved.  It didn't matter what happened to me out in the world.   It only mattered to me that I know that my wife would always be there to support and accept me when I got home.  It is sad that the person that we need most, is no longer here.   I've adjusted to not having her her physically -- I can survive.  I just don't know if I can do this emotionally.

I havent adjusted not having him around physically either. Every few hours I start crying for an hour. I still have no appetite and my health is declining. And I still check my phone to see if he sent me a text occasionally. It hurts to remember every time...

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37 minutes ago, Azipod said:

 

Here is the actual law on the "Belgian Act on Euthanasia" signed into law in 2002.

http://www.ethical-perspectives.be/viewpic.php?LAN=E&TABLE=EP&ID=59

I will take a serious look at this tomorrow morning. I want to know if this is really an option. At age 25, they could make use of most of my organs so I should be a good candidate I suppose. 

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