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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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4 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Many people told me about chapter thing, and mostly those people who even didn't loose their parents or not in young age.

 

I sure would have taken these terrible news a lot better if I was in my 60s or 70s and I spent a life with him and had kids or even a couple of grandkids. 

Our sadness is beyond regular grief.

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1 minute ago, TooDevastated said:

I sure would have taken these terrible news a lot better if I was in my 60s or 70s and I spent a life with him and had kids or even a couple of grandkids. 

Our sadness is beyond regular grief.

I will not ask anything from anyone if I got life which you just described. Loosing him is pain but in such young age is added pain. There is so many plans, dreams which he wants to fulfill and his life just snached from him and from me as well.

He wants kids and we were planning for this year. 3 days before that horrible day, he was asking his doctor brother about all baby things and was so excited and just after 3 days I lost my everything. I can't explain in words what I am feeling right now, anger, frustation everything.

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

That I have to think of Bruce as a chapter of my life and realise I need to move on to the next chapter (meaning a new guy I suppose).

I would ask them point blank not to say that to you again.  They may mean well but it'd help to call their attention to the fact that such remarks are hurtful and inappropriate.  Quote me on it to them if you must!
 

 

1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

These people can downplay and understate because they have never had the sort of relationship we had. 

I'm sure that is very true!  Many people have never had the relationship we had.  That's why we're here when other "survivors" seem to move on.  Most of us, however, do not...the world may not see it, we carry it inside of us.  We never forget.

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

There is nothing wrong with that! At least dying not long apart from eah other would be nice even if we didnt get to die together.  I wish for a big malignant brain tumor every night!

Before, I wished I had a long life.  Now, not anymore.  I wish I can die ASAP.   I cannot even fathom the thought of living another 40-45 years to my 80s, and still have to remember about how I lost my wife when I was 39.   And knowing where she is at and where she is buried.  It is so unfair that I have to keep living year and year when she's no longer here.   I don't want to be here either.

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This is just something some of my friends have told me. That I have to think of Bruce as a chapter of my life and realise I need to move on to the next chapter (meaning a new guy I suppose).

The sad thing is that there's some truth to this.  Whether we want to start another chapter with someone else or not is our decision.   But I do view that it is a chapter, or a segment, in our life that has come to a close.    Now, something new has to happen.  Whether we carry on our loved one's memories or do that while starting new romance with someone else is up to us.

This is a life crisis.  The experience changes us, our life, and how we view our world.   

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

I sure would have taken these terrible news a lot better if I was in my 60s or 70s and I spent a life with him and had kids or even a couple of grandkids. 

Our sadness is beyond regular grief.

I agree.  I feel that life robbed me of my soulmate.  It robbed me of the opportunity and the time I wanted to spend with the most important person in my life.  It is so not fair.  We missed out 6-year anniversary by 3 months.    Why did they take her away so quickly?  Someone made a mistake!   They should have taken me.   This reinforces my thoughts about how "bad things happen to good people."   My wife was a gem.   They should have taken me!

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16 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I agree.  I feel that life robbed me of my soulmate.  It robbed me of the opportunity and the time I wanted to spend with the most important person in my life.  It is so not fair.  We missed out 6-year anniversary by 3 months.    Why did they take her away so quickly?  Someone made a mistake!   They should have taken me.   This reinforces my thoughts about how "bad things happen to good people."   My wife was a gem.   They should have taken me!

I was thinking about this today, what if I died in place of my husband. I think he would handle things better than me, he was very calm and strong to handle situations. Although this is totally different kind of situation and before this i also handled things quite good but as you said this is life crisis so may be he would feel the same. I am so jealous of him that he is gone and i am mourning.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

I agree.  I feel that life robbed me of my soulmate.  It robbed me of the opportunity and the time I wanted to spend with the most important person in my life.  It is so not fair.  We missed out 6-year anniversary by 3 months.    Why did they take her away so quickly?  Someone made a mistake!   They should have taken me.   This reinforces my thoughts about how "bad things happen to good people."   My wife was a gem.   They should have taken me!

None of us should have been taken so we could have our happy lives together! Or at least both of us gone together. Thats the second best option. What has happened is the worst.. The absolute bottom. 

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2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I was thinking about this today, what if I died in place of my husband. I think he would handle things better than me, he was very calm and strong to handle situations. Although this is totally different kind of situation and before this i also handled things quite good but as you said this is life crisis so may be he would feel the same. I am so jealous of him that he is gone and i am mourning.

This is the thing I am glad he was spared from. I am not dealing with his loss well at all but I know he couldnt have handle my death. He was an emotional man and he was really bad with stressful situations. Small problems could keep him up at night etc. He would have been loads worse than I am so... as much as I pity myself for being thrown into this ocean of sadness, I am also glad he isnt the one to go through it. 

After the funeral, we were speaking about this with his brother and we both agreed it was very likely that he would just kill himself. So I am glad I am the one to bear this rather than him although this pain is taking everything from me.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sure that is very true!  Many people have never had the relationship we had.  That's why we're here when other "survivors" seem to move on.  Most of us, however, do not...the world may not see it, we carry it inside of us.  We never forget.

I did tell them they didnt have the remotest idea of how it might be feeling and they should be glad not to have experienced it. 

How can we forget? They are the best things to happen to us. Best moments of our lives are spent together. I wish we could see them for only once a year or something. Even that would be such a great comfort.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am so jealous of him that he is gone and i am mourning.

I feel this way too.   At first, it seems bad for the person who got to leave earth.  But as survivors, we know all too well that it's the complete opposite.  We survivors, are the ones that have to deal with this day in and day out.  I have to live with this trauma knowing that I lost my wife.   This trauma will cling itself to our bodies, regardless of what we choose to do in the future.  Even in 20-years, we still have to look back at these moments, as well as the loss, and know that the person we loved most was snatched away from us.   

I hope one day I can die from a broken heart.

images.jpg.c1707a6b61797024faed6f82d384d4b5.jpg

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49 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

None of us should have been taken so we could have our happy lives together! Or at least both of us gone together. Thats the second best option. What has happened is the worst.. The absolute bottom. 

This is absolute rock bottom.    It is a life crisis.  We can't have it any worst.    People around us are still happily living their life and enjoying the day.    My life, my days, on the other hand, are miserable.   

I finally made it over to my wife's side of the bed.    There's no longer a clean and undisturbed side of the bed.   Do I feel closer to her by sleeping on her side?  Perhaps.     But even then, it makes me feel like crap that I get to sleep on her side to begin with!

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41 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I hope one day I can die from a broken heart.

images.jpg.c1707a6b61797024faed6f82d384d4b5.jpg

My heart DID develop a disease because of the stress grief caused! I keep hoping it will kill me one of these days...

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This is just something some of my friends have told me. That I have to think of Bruce as a chapter of my life and realise I need to move on to the next chapter (meaning a new guy I suppose).

You don't have to think of Bruce as a "chapter" of your life. You can think of him as the love of your life, who was here for a short time with you, for reasons that of course are hard to see right now, but later on down the road you might.

Our life though is made up of chapters. About every decade is considered a chapter. Our childhood, our teen years, our 20's, 30's, etc. Mile stones of our life can be considered a chapter. The years we furthered our education. Our career. Leaving one job and beginning another. Marriage, raising children, experiencing grandchildren, retirement years, those are all considered chapters in our book of life.

Bruce was a huge part of your life. Now, you are grieving and eventually going to be moving forward. Finding out how to survive, finding out who you are now, finding a new meaning or purpose to living, will be like entering a different chapter. It does NOT necessarily mean a new guy in your life. We don't know what our destiny is until it finds us.:wub:

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

You don't have to think of Bruce as a "chapter" of your life. You can think of him as the love of your life, who was here for a short time with you

This is how I see it.  I don't see it as a mere chapter that is neatly ended and defined as such...he continues with me, he impacted my life from the moment we met and that has not stopped.

17 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This is the thing I am glad he was spared from. I am not dealing with his loss well at all but I know he couldnt have handle my death.

This is also how I feel.  I am very very glad he didn't have to go through this.  Lord knows it was hard enough having to deal with myself, but I would not have wanted him to go through this pain and try to flounder his way around through grief.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone the love of my life.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

This is also how I feel.  I am very very glad he didn't have to go through this.  Lord knows it was hard enough having to deal with myself, but I would not have wanted him to go through this pain and try to flounder his way around through grief.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone the love of my life.

However, I bet they wouldn't wish this on us either. They sure wouldn't want us thrown into the maze of grief...  

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13 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

However, I bet they wouldn't wish this on us either. They sure wouldn't want us thrown into the maze of grief...  

I’ve had people tell me repeatedly that Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel this way. Of course she wouldn’t. But she wouldn’t want to be dead and not with me either. Why can’t people see that this isn’t something we can just snap out of and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps? If I could flip a switch and not feel like this wouldn’t I do it? I went to work today, got home, and have been lying in bed, crying, and watching Because Science videos for the last 3 hours. Not because I wanted to but because it’s all I could do. It’s all I had in me today.

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3 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I’ve had people tell me repeatedly that Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel this way. Of course she wouldn’t. But she wouldn’t want to be dead and not with me either. Why can’t people see that this isn’t something we can just snap out of and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps? If I could flip a switch and not feel like this wouldn’t I do it? I went to work today, got home, and have been lying in bed, crying, and watching Because Science videos for the last 3 hours. Not because I wanted to but because it’s all I could do. It’s all I had in me today.

I went to feed to ducks at the park this morning. Something he loved doing at weekends. I donated to his favourtie charity (that helps kids with leukemia). Then, I came home. It exhausted me to do something we loved doing together. It felt weird doing it alone. I couldnt stop the tears and some people stared at me crying. I didnt even care. I felt my loneliness turned into something solid that I had to carry around. 

After then, all I could do was to lay on bed. I read the news. It only increased the intensity of my headache. And I hoped the world war would be coming soon with all the nuke news or an earthquake near me. I cant even lift my arm right now. Thats how exhausted and fragile I feel. I will put a video on so there will be a noise in the room and start 

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18 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

However, I bet they wouldn't wish this on us either. They sure wouldn't want us thrown into the maze of grief...  

No, it would have torn him apart to watch me go through what I have in the last twelve years.  Every day is a struggle for me now, right now my roof is leaking and the contractor that put it on is in prison.  That's just one example, it's always something.  These are things George would have handled.  I felt so protected and so cared for with him, now I just feel alone and out there on my own, struggling.

I didn't sleep either, guess I should have got up and joined you on here.

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20 minutes ago, KayC said:

  I felt so protected and so cared for with him, now I just feel alone and out there on my own, struggling.

I didn't sleep either, guess I should have got up and joined you on here.

Ed was my rock too. Always took care of the big things. The feeling of being safe and secure is gone now. I'm left to stand on my own. Learning to stand alone is a gift. I hope I keep finding the strength to persevere with the challenge of that gift.  Others might not see not being part of a couple as a gift. I had to make changes to my attitude in adapting to this unwanted life. I found myself stuck in the grieving for a while. It is either sink or swim. Such a play on words, because I literally do not know how to swim. I wasn't given the opportunity as a child to learn and as an adult I still haven't bothered.

There have been many nights when I am laying in bed unable to sleep, that I think about coming onto this forum. Just the thought of coming out of hiding from underneath the covers is enough to stop me. If I stay in hiding for as long as possible, it puts off facing the truth of my reality. Obviously, I'm still having a tough time acknowledging this truth.

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

Ed was my rock too. Always took care of the big things. The feeling of being safe and secure is gone now. I'm left to stand on my own. Learning to stand alone is a gift. I hope I keep finding the strength to persevere with the challenge of that gift.  Others might not see not being part of a couple as a gift. I had to make changes to my attitude in adapting to this unwanted life. I found myself stuck in the grieving for a while. It is either sink or swim. Such a play on words, because I literally do not know how to swim. I wasn't given the opportunity as a child to learn and as an adult I still haven't bothered.

There have been many nights when I am laying in bed unable to sleep, that I think about coming onto this forum. Just the thought of coming out of hiding from underneath the covers is enough to stop me. If I stay in hiding for as long as possible, it puts off facing the truth of my reality. Obviously, I'm still having a tough time acknowledging this truth.

You should get a tablet or a phone so you can post from bed. I know a lot of us have trouble sleeping through the night but there’s never anyone on here late.

I understand what you mean though about wanting to hide from reality. I still can’t accept that she’s gone and that our life together is gone. I don’t know if I ever will. I can’t believe some of you guys are still hanging in there.

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I can’t believe some of you guys are still hanging there.

I cannot believe I am still here either. I don't mean not still on this forum, finding my own comfort and trying to give back. I mean still in this life. I truly felt in the beginning months that my heart would literally break from the pain, constant stress of coping and lack of sleep. I had thoughts of my mind snapping and me ending up in a coma. My health directives state no life support. Suicidal thoughts are common with grieving. For me, it wasn't so much in ending my life, I wanted something to end the pain, the loneliness. My husband is the only one who could fix this for me. But we know the reality of that one. The only one that can fix this, is me. It is really not an issue with "fixing" anything either. The solution that we want is not attainable. We have no choice but to acknowledge our loss, the changes brought to us and to try to move forward. In my circumstance, it is a good thing to know that this life is only temporary. It certainly doesn't feel like it right now, but no one lives forever.  Life is complex, isn't it?  So many people out there fighting for their life, and then there are those of us wishing for the opposite. All of humanity is fighting a battle of some kind.

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6 hours ago, KMB said:

Ed was my rock too. Always took care of the big things. The feeling of being safe and secure is gone now. I'm left to stand on my own.

While my wife was here, I felt like I'm invincible.  With her by my side, things always fell into place and we were alway able to accomplish what we wanted together.   She also made me feel loved.  It didn't matter what happened to me out in the world.   It only mattered to me that I know that my wife would always be there to support and accept me when I got home.  It is sad that the person that we need most, is no longer here.   I've adjusted to not having her her physically -- I can survive.  I just don't know if I can do this emotionally.

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