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I have lost my best friend a little over a year now and the pain wont leave my heart alone. I never dreamed this would happen to us. Within 3 months he was gone of Pancreatic cancer. So quickly it didn't even seem real and still doesn't . I just cannot bear this ongoing pain and loneliness without my Bill.   I keep praying for some peace but it never does come. What am I to do with the rest of my life without him. Not only did I lose my Love I lost my home and  our 2 dogs that we both loved as our kids . Emptiness is all that I have been left with. Why Why Why Lord. I cannot stop asking why.

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On 9/25/2017 at 7:56 PM, Never ending pain said:

I have lost my best friend a little over a year now and the pain wont leave my heart alone. I never dreamed this would happen to us. Within 3 months he was gone of Pancreatic cancer. So quickly it didn't even seem real and still doesn't . I just cannot bear this ongoing pain and loneliness without my Bill.   I keep praying for some peace but it never does come. What am I to do with the rest of my life without him. Not only did I lose my Love I lost my home and  our 2 dogs that we both loved as our kids . Emptiness is all that I have been left with. Why Why Why Lord. I cannot stop asking why.

You came to right place, here people will understand your pain because we all are feeling this pain. Keep posting and visit here.

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1 minute ago, Never ending pain said:

Thank you so much for the warm welcome.  It is nice to be here with such nice and friendly people :)

This forum like other said is lifeline for me now, since i lost my all friends , i spend my most of the day here and people here are so sweet and understand my pain.

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On 9/25/2017 at 10:26 AM, Never ending pain said:

I have lost my best friend a little over a year now and the pain wont leave my heart alone. I never dreamed this would happen to us. Within 3 months he was gone of Pancreatic cancer. So quickly it didn't even seem real and still doesn't . I just cannot bear this ongoing pain and loneliness without my Bill.   I keep praying for some peace but it never does come. What am I to do with the rest of my life without him. Not only did I lose my Love I lost my home and  our 2 dogs that we both loved as our kids . Emptiness is all that I have been left with. Why Why Why Lord. I cannot stop asking why.

Sorry to see you in this club. You are in a place where nobody will judge you so go ahead write what you feel and I can ensure you that you will feel better.

 

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On 9/25/2017 at 9:26 AM, Never ending pain said:

I have lost my best friend a little over a year now and the pain wont leave my heart alone. I never dreamed this would happen to us. Within 3 months he was gone of Pancreatic cancer. So quickly it didn't even seem real and still doesn't . I just cannot bear this ongoing pain and loneliness without my Bill.   I keep praying for some peace but it never does come. Emptiness is all that I have been left with. Why Why Why Lord. I cannot stop asking why.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and know the pain you are experiencing.  Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come; everything you have faced; all the battles you have won and the fears you have overcome.  Nothing ever prepares us for the biggest shock of our lives, but the strength within us keeps us going.  You didn't know if you could survive this tragedy at all, but you did.  You probably didn't think you could ever make it through that day when Bill was taken or that week; or that month; or that year, but guess what, you did.  It's been over a year, and your heart still feels pain, loneliness and emptiness.  I pray that God turns your pain into comfort; your loneliness into love; and your emptiness into abundance. 

On 9/25/2017 at 9:26 AM, Never ending pain said:

What am I to do with the rest of my life without him.

Mourn him, yes; remember him yes, but live because your task has not yet been completed and Bill would have wanted you to. Sometimes a man's purpose in a women's life is to help her become a better women. Be that better women he helped you to become; be that women he would be proud of; that strong women; the women, that because of him, you are. Be that strong women Bill helped form and don't play victim (no matter how hard it gets); don't blame others or point fingers.  Stand as tall as you can and deal with the pain you have been faced with.  Finally be strong in the Lord.   HE hears our prayers and knows our pain and sorrows. 

You've been on this grief journey for over a year now; and while there is no time limit for grief; no wrong or right way, I'd hope it would have gotten somewhat better for you. I'm sorry it hadn't.    Its done your way and on your time.  It's different for everyone; there will come a time when we do have to move forward with our lives.  Bill wants you to be happy and more on; that however does not mean forgetting because you never will.   Grief will always be with us, just not controlling where we go.  Life actually will go on with or without us, and it's our decision which road we will take.  Who knows, we just might discover a beautiful path without getting lost.

Know that you are in my prayers.

 

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Most people expect the second year to be better than the first but find out it isn't.  It can take much longer than that to process your grief, try to build a life you can live, and just plain adjust to all of the changes it's made to your life.  This is way harder than anyone can know or expect.  There's no time limit and it takes what it takes, all of our journeys are as unique as we are and as our relationships.  

I hope you find comfort and encouragement here.  We have this common denominator and are very sorry for your loss, we know all too well what this can feel like as we've been on our own similar journeys.

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Hi everyone that has posted such sweet words for me. I know that each of you as well has lost a loved one just as I have and I want to say how sorry I am for your losses. It is amazing how hard this is after a year. The hurt just never seems to subside. Sometimes I say to my mom that I feel like jumping off a bridge, but with my luck I would live through it.  But I do know that would hurt my family to much.  I don't want my son to lose his mom either. So, I just keep on living even though this is not living at all. I just pretend that things are not as bad as I really feel and it seems to be working but I cry when no one can see me. I believe this sadness will not end any time soon. I wish God would help me, I keep asking but he doesn't seem to want to answer.

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I'm so sorry.   My loss has been very recent.  The only thing I can do is to carry on each day.  I do look back at my earlier weeks, and have seen how far I've come.   Today is a better day for me.  So yes, I am optimistic.  I have come a long way.  There is still a long journey for me.  But I think in time we can all work through this.    The only sad part is that even though we reach the end of our grief process, our loved one will still not be there.   That is the harsh reality and it hurts like crazy.  To say that I miss my wife is a total understatement.  I miss her and absolutely everything she brought into my life.

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I thank you Azipod and I am so sorry for your loss as well.. I can see that it has been a recent loss for you. there are no words to express the sadness that we all are carrying with us.  When he was alive sometimes I would wonder what it would be like if something happened to him and now I know. My head is in a constant fog and I cannot concentrate is this normal?  I do look at couples when I am out and must admit I get a selfish jealousy. I am ashamed I feel that way but just cannot help myself. So just one day at a time for me I suppose as there is nothing else I can think of doing besides daydreaming of things that used to be and will never be again in my lifetime. I am adding all of you to my prayers and thank you so much for the beautiful replys.

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Im sorry youre grief is so overwhelming. Its been 26 days since I lost the love I wished so hard for.  I guess the only thing I can say is that today...compared to the first week...is better.  I can feed myself, drive, I cleaned my house, I walked outside, I showered and dressed without prompting.  All these things I could not do the first week after he died.  All I could do was cry and pace.  I have further to go but to echo what others said, ive come a little ways.  It may not be much but I did move...

I hope you can find some healing here...

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23 hours ago, Never ending pain said:

I wish God would help me, I keep asking but he doesn't seem to want to answer.

Sometimes when we are at our lowest, we feel this state of "nothingness" when it feels we can't reach God, like He's not hearing or responding.  This is the state in which we proceed on faith rather than feelings, and in due time, we'll realize He was there all the time and does very much care what we're going through and our pain.  Our bodies are in a state of shock in which nothing seems to penetrate, but eventually this will subside.  In time the intensity of pain will lessen.  You are taking positive steps for yourself and that is good.  Any tiny measure of progression needs to be applauded, it is hard earned.

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12 hours ago, SRB said:

Im sorry youre grief is so overwhelming. Its been 26 days since I lost the love I wished so hard for.  I guess the only thing I can say is that today...compared to the first week...is better.  I can feed myself, drive, I cleaned my house, I walked outside, I showered and dressed without prompting.  All these things I could not do the first week after he died.  All I could do was cry and pace.  I have further to go but to echo what others said, ive come a little ways.  It may not be much but I did move...

I hope you can find some healing here...

If you can drive, clean, walk, shower, and dress on your own you are already doing A LOT better.  Weeks earlier, you were like a helpless baby.   Now, you can fend for yourself.  These are large steps forward.   There will remain THOUSANDS of remaining steps for you to conquer, so this is just the beginning.  But the fact that you're able to do these things now shows it is possible to move forward.

Tomorrow, I will be at the 3-month  mark where I've lost my wife.   I still feel like ****.   But I have come a long way (although it may seem otherwise in some of my recent posts).  One day, I will reach the end of this grief journey.  That is not to say that I won't be sad, I always will be sad.   But one day we will all get to that point where the grief does not consume us.   

Keep moving along.  You are doing just fine.

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16 hours ago, Never ending pain said:

I thank you Azipod and I am so sorry for your loss as well.. I can see that it has been a recent loss for you. there are no words to express the sadness that we all are carrying with us.  When he was alive sometimes I would wonder what it would be like if something happened to him and now I know. My head is in a constant fog and I cannot concentrate is this normal?  I do look at couples when I am out and must admit I get a selfish jealousy. I am ashamed I feel that way but just cannot help myself. So just one day at a time for me I suppose as there is nothing else I can think of doing besides daydreaming of things that used to be and will never be again in my lifetime. I am adding all of you to my prayers and thank you so much for the beautiful replys.

Hang in there, my fellow Northern California neighbor!

Yes.  Many describe their early days as in the fog or cloud.  Some days, you can look at something (such as an email), and simply stare at it without ever being able to process it.  We can be zombies.  Was in a shock.       I don't have much jealousy by seeing other couples (not yet), but I do have jealousy that my wife got to leave this world and I am here to suffer.   I know it's not her fault.  But in my mind, I think it would be a beautiful thing if both she and I had died together in some freak accident (I can say this because we don't have children).  That way, we both can go without the surviving spouse having to deal with this pain and agony.    

For the most part, seeing other couples makes me sad.  It makes me sad seeing others who are able to continue their love and romance journey while I am onboard the grief train. Who knows where I'll end up?

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I don't have much jealousy by seeing other couples (not yet), but I do have jealousy that my wife got to leave this world and I am here to suffer.   I know it's not her fault.  But in my mind, I think it would be a beautiful thing if both she and I had died together in some freak accident (I can say this because we don't have children).  That way, we both can go without the surviving spouse having to deal with this pain and agony.    

For the most part, seeing other couples makes me sad.  It makes me sad seeing others who are able to continue their love and romance journey while I am onboard the grief train. Who knows where I'll end up?

It makes me sad to see happy couples around too. Not jealous. But I cant help but wonder what we did wrong to have been separated from one another like this while these people get to continue being happy together.  

I dont believe there is an end to this pain. I will not think of my boyfriend as a 'chapter in my life to remember fondly' or whatever. He is the one and the only and the fact that he is gone does not change that. My heart will always ache for as long as I live. 

 

 

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48 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I dont believe there is an end to this pain. I will not think of my boyfriend as a 'chapter in my life to remember fondly' or whatever. He is the one and the only and the fact that he is gone does not change that. My heart will always ache for as long as I live. 

 

 

We are all in this club that no body wants to be a part of.  How terrible!

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

I think it would be a beautiful thing if both she and I had died together in some freak accident (I can say this because we don't have children).  That way, we both can go without the surviving spouse having to deal with this pain and agony.   

You have no idea how badly I want this, we don't have kids either and I wish we died together. I know it would be difficult for our family to handle this but then I don't have to suffer from this pain. 

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14 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

You have no idea how badly I want this, we don't have kids either and I wish we died together. I know it would be difficult for our family to handle this but then I don't have to suffer from this pain. 

I was telling my co worker this today and she said I shouldn’t say that, because it’s bad luck.  People just don’t understand.  It’s a nightmare for us survivors and this in my opinion, is more bad luck than anything else. Dying together with who you love is a gift.  There is nothing wrong with that.

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22 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I was telling my co worker this today and she said I shouldn’t say that, because it’s bad luck.  People just don’t understand.  It’s a nightmare for us survivors and this in my opinion, is more bad luck than anything else. Dying together with who you love is a gift.  There is nothing wrong with that.

They don't understand because they are not us , they are still with their partner. Day before my husband passed, a young man died from his home town and I shared this news with him because he was unable to check his phone. He got so upset that how someone die so young and I told him, think about your health first, don't be so sad, look for yourself. I was not bothering that time for that person family, because I was with my husband and his health was my first priority but when next day this disaster happened with me, after few days later I was continuously thinking about that person family and his wife.

Like this all other person think when we talk about pain , we were one of them before.

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I was telling my co worker this today and she said I shouldn’t say that, because it’s bad luck.  People just don’t understand.  It’s a nightmare for us survivors and this in my opinion, is more bad luck than anything else. Dying together with who you love is a gift.  There is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing wrong with that! At least dying not long apart from eah other would be nice even if we didnt get to die together.  I wish for a big malignant brain tumor every night!

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

They don't understand because they are not us , they are still with their partner. Day before my husband passed, a young man died from his home town and I shared this news with him because he was unable to check his phone. He got so upset that how someone die so young and I told him, think about your health first, don't be so sad, look for yourself. I was not bothering that time for that person family, because I was with my husband and his health was my first priority but when next day this disaster happened with me, after few days later I was continuously thinking about that person family and his wife.

Like this all other person think when we talk about pain , we were one of them before.

Remembering our partners feeling sad about distant relatives deaths feels so funny now doesnt it? Not knowing they would be next, they felt sad for others.

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19 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

But I cant help but wonder what we did wrong to have been separated from one another like this while these people get to continue being happy together.  

There's where I see it differently...I don't think we did ANYTHING wrong!  We didn't cause this, didn't earn it, didn't deserve it.  There's couples left here that don't even get along!  Yet we were the closest of all and we were ripped apart violently through no fault of our own.  It's random.  It's not fair!  Don't for a moment think it is!  We have to accept that this is the way it is now, but do not accept any "blame" for it.  It doesn't belong to you.  It is one of those unforeseeable random acts of life.  But it's not over yet...we will be together again and next time, we won't be yanked apart!

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19 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I will not think of my boyfriend as a 'chapter in my life to remember fondly' or whatever.

Remember fondly sounds like downplaying, understating hugely.  But I do look back on my time with George as being the best time of my life, it is and always will be.  I don't dwell on it because the stark comparison to my life now would be so painful.  But now and then I imagine him cuddled up with me as we used to do and wrap myself in him like a blanket...it is a soothing thought.

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11 minutes ago, KayC said:

Remember fondly sounds like downplaying, understating hugely.  But I do look back on my time with George as being the best time of my life, it is and always will be.  I don't dwell on it because the stark comparison to my life now would be so painful.  But now and then I imagine him cuddled up with me as we used to do and wrap myself in him like a blanket...it is a soothing thought.

This is just something some of my friends have told me. That I have to think of Bruce as a chapter of my life and realise I need to move on to the next chapter (meaning a new guy I suppose).

He is the love of my life and he will never be less than that. Nobody can or will replace him. These people can downplay and understate because they have never had the sort of relationship we had. 

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16 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

This is just something some of my friends have told me. That I have to think of Bruce as a chapter of my life and realise I need to move on to the next chapter (meaning a new guy I suppose).

He is the love of my life and he will never be less than that. Nobody can or will replace him. These people can downplay and understate because they have never had the sort of relationship we had. 

Many people told me about chapter thing, and mostly those people who even didn't loose their parents or not in young age.

 

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