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Heartbroken


Never ending pain

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

 It certainly doesn't feel like it right now, but no one lives forever.  Life is complex, isn't it?  So many people out there fighting for their life, and then there are those of us wishing for the opposite. All of humanity is fighting a battle of some kind.

I wish I could just be a "donor" and give the rest of my life to someone else who needs it.   I certainly don't.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

 

8 hours ago, KMB said:

Ed was my rock too. Always took care of the big things. The feeling of being safe and secure is gone now. I'm left to stand on my own.

While my wife was here, I felt like I'm invincible.  With her by my side, things always fell into place and we were alway able to accomplish what we wanted together.

 

I felt invincible too. Ed and I met every challenge head on, together. Now, I feel so very much lost and alone. I know he is with me spiritually, but it is not the same as seeing his face, feeling his hug and hearing his voice. There are just no words adequate in describing this nightmare.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

wish I could just be a "donor" and give the rest of my life to someone else who needs it.

I wonder if a medical/scientific program exists for that?  My organs are all in great shape as far as I know. What would be wrong with donating for the good of quite a few people who do want to be here? We could be humanely euthanized and our organs harvested.  Would it still be considered suicide by the powers that be or seen as a sacrifice for humanity? One person's life in exchange for the several that could be saved to live.

Can't believe I actually put those kind of thoughts out there. Grieving does some crazy crap.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I felt invincible too. Ed and I met every challenge head on, together. Now, I feel so very much lost and alone. I know he is with me spiritually, but it is not the same as seeing his face, feeling his hug and hearing his voice. There are just no words adequate in describing this nightmare.

Lauri and clicked. We brought so much love and joy to living. She always told me "I've never felt so loved and secure in all my life." I felt the same. I felt like I could do anything. I was ok for some of today but now I'm falling apart again. Life without her here feels meaningless. I miss her so much. 

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I wish I could just be a "donor" and give the rest of my life to someone else who needs it.   I certainly don't.

I wish there was some technology that if you want to donate your some remaining years to your partner. Although my husband wouldn't ready for this but I am damn sure I convince him for sure because I knew how to convince him. 

I wish science invent this type of technology in future so that other people can take benefit from this.

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I couldn't believe it yesterday when I got to church and looked at the "sermon notes" insert in my bulletin.  I nearly cried!  I'd been up most of the night listening to the water pouring in from the roof, unable to sleep...it had started at 10 pm so I'd had no choice but wait until morning to call someone.  But neither could I sleep.  And we all know what those sleepless nights are like, and how the thoughts turn to how alone we are, how different it'd be if he was here, etc.

So I look at this insert and in huge capitals it says
What do you live with that is 

    HARD?

        HURTS/

            LEAVES YOU ALONE/LONELY?

                SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE?

Our pastor has never suffered loss like we have.  Yet his sermon was right on.  He said it came to him when he was reading a blog (possibly a forum because he spoke of several people feeling this way and blogs are usually written singularly).  Yes, there's a whole slew of us out here, feeling alone, hurting.  And it doesn't end at year one.  
As KMB said, now we're left to stand on our own.  And like you, KMB, I'm glad this life is temporary. I hope and pray I don't live to 90.  I know people in their 90s that are doing well, clear minds, but they also have kids nearby that are supportive.  I don't want to do this alone that long.  But every time the thought occurs, I try to push it out of my mind and remember to just handle one day at a time.  One day I can handle.  Sometimes I don't like the day I have to do, but it's just one day, I can push through it.

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

I wonder if a medical/scientific program exists for that?  My organs are all in great shape as far as I know. What would be wrong with donating for the good of quite a few people who do want to be here? We could be humanely euthanized and our organs harvested.  Would it still be considered suicide by the powers that be or seen as a sacrifice for humanity? One person's life in exchange for the several that could be saved to live.

Can't believe I actually put those kind of thoughts out there. Grieving does some crazy crap.

I believe you can do this in Belgium if you are diagnosed as being gravely depressed.  I mean you can choose to euthanize yourself.  Don't ask me how I found out.

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

 There are just no words adequate in describing this nightmare.

I woke up today knowing it was not going to be one of the better days.   It's somewhat chilly and windy today as I walked from the parking garage to my work building.  It's giving me a glimpse of how gloomy and numb thing my world is going to be when winter and the holiday comes around the corner.

My co-worker in the elevator said to me "I hope you have a better morning."   I guess it's obvious that I look and feel like crap today.

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KayC,  Wow, your pastor sure was spot on with his sermon insert. Kind of uncanny how he picked that particular sermon. Quite a few of us here were dealing with the grief hitting hard over the weekend. I know some of what I posted reflected my constant sadness. Weekends are always going to be hard, no matter what we do to get through them. I spent a few hours with my daughter and son on Saturday. We went out for lunch and stopped at Walmart since each of us had a few things to pick up for ourselves. I got home around the supper hour and the loneliness hit me in the face as soon as I walked in the door. It hurts so much when you want to share with that one person who is no longer here. I still find it hard to acknowledge that this is my reality.  Ed and I were essentially like one person sharing a heart and soul. Even though I have made some progress, I just don't see myself getting beyond where I am at. I am a shadow of the person I used to be. I figure that is ok. I'm taking it day by day. I have chores and projects to keep me busy. I spend time with the kids here and there, visit a friend or two. I am trying. That alone is enough. If I go through the rest of my life just trying, that is ok.

My kids have their own lives. But, like you KayC, I'm still mostly alone. I can't fathom doing this long term into my 70's, 80's or even 90's. Grieving has already taken its toll on me. I'm sure it will continue doing so.

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10 minutes ago, KMB said:

 I can't fathom doing this long term into my 70's, 80's or even 90's. Grieving has already taken its toll on me. I'm sure it will continue doing so.

I am afraid of making 40's and you are  mentioning 70's , 80's, can't even think about that. i think I will be die in next few years if I live like this , like I am living now.

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Azipod, Sorry the day is crummy for you. Dealing with light showers here last night and into this morning. Windy too. Typical fall day.

Interesting what you said about Belgium. Had to figure that someplace in the world had already been thinking along the donor sacrifice lines.

We live in a world of pain and suffering. I used to be one of those that was the happiest person and now, I'm on the opposite end. I got up this morning, turned the news on and learned of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. More pain there. Victims, survivors, of the weather disasters. Puerto Rico suffering from not getting supplies fast enough. Where is this all going?

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5 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

am afraid of making 40's and you are  mentioning 70's , 80's, can't even think about that. i think I will be die in next few years if I live like this , like I am living now.

I mentioned the ages I did because I am 58. I am healthy as far as I know. I am not on meds for anything. I don't even want to go too far into my 60's, to be honest. Sadness, loneliness, missing my husband, is what I live with. Anything else about life that is meant to be enjoyed, doesn't cut it for me. This planet is going to keep revolving and life is going to keep moving forward, no matter if I want to join in or not.

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

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15 minutes ago, KMB said:

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

KMB I am really sorry if I hurt you, I was saying for myself that I can't imagine to live in 70's. 

I know loosing spouse at any age is painful but loosing them t young age just double the pain. We feel bad about death in young age and at same time we see death of our dreams as well. 

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I wish we could all meet up or something. Maybe it would be helpful if we all lived in a little commune of sad half-people.

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6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I wish we could all meet up or something. Maybe it would be helpful if we all lived in a little commune of sad half-people.

I wish if this would possible because sometimes I really miss any friend who understands my situation and pain, with whom I can talk. I wish I had one good close friend apart from my husband.

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58 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I wish if this would possible because sometimes I really miss any friend who understands my situation and pain, with whom I can talk. I wish I had one good close friend apart from my husband.

The sad part is I thought I did have a close friend apart from my wife and it turns out I was wrong. She really was all I had.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

 

3 hours ago, KMB said:

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

KMB I am really sorry if I hurt you, I was saying for myself that I can't imagine to live in 70's. 

I know loosing spouse at any age is painful but loosing them t young age just double the pain. We feel bad about death in young age and at same time we see death of our dreams as well. 

 

Don't worry, LoveGoli, your words didn't hurt. This is our reality. I really don't feel that anything else that could happen in my life, could possibly hurt as much as losing my husband. One exception, losing one of my children. Gosh, if that happened, that would be the end of me for sure.

Losing a life partner at no matter the age is the worst. When you are young, dreams of the future, career accomplishments and plans for a family are gone. When you are up in age, the plans for the future are gone as well. Sharing the joy of grandchildren, possible great-grandchildren and enjoying your retirement plans. No matter what age, the loss is tremendous and painful.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

I got up this morning, turned the news on and learned of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. 

Two wishes.   First I wished I was there and fatally wounded.  Second.... Since I was not there, I wish I could give me life to one of the victims who actually wanted to live.  Because I don't.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

I know you are younger and I am so truly sorry that you had to experience loss of your soul mate so soon in life.

It's tough for all ages.  When you're young, you wonder how you're going to make it through all the remainder of your lifetime without that person.    If I took a guess, I have at least 40-years to go.

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TooDevastated
4 hours ago, Azipod said:

I believe you can do this in Belgium if you are diagnosed as being gravely depressed.  I mean you can choose to euthanize yourself.  Don't ask me how I found out.

Oh really? I could drive to Belgium in 5-6 hours! I wonder if I'd need to be a citizen... Where did you find out? : P

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15 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Two wishes.   First I wished I was there and fatally wounded.  Second.... Since I was not there, I wish I could give me life to one of the victims who actually wanted to live.  Because I don't.

My thoughts exactly... Why we, the ones who want to be dead, get killed instead of people who have a lot to live for? Its like we get the double of unfair.. First losing our soulmates, then not being able to die to join them... 

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15 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Oh really? I could drive to Belgium in 5-6 hours! I wonder if I'd need to be a citizen... Where did you find out? : P

 

Here is the actual law on the "Belgian Act on Euthanasia" signed into law in 2002.

http://www.ethical-perspectives.be/viewpic.php?LAN=E&TABLE=EP&ID=59

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Never ending pain

I wished I was one of them as well. If you enjoy life, it's taken away.... If you are tired of living it goes on and on and on.....

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TooDevastated
23 hours ago, Azipod said:

While my wife was here, I felt like I'm invincible.  With her by my side, things always fell into place and we were alway able to accomplish what we wanted together.   She also made me feel loved.  It didn't matter what happened to me out in the world.   It only mattered to me that I know that my wife would always be there to support and accept me when I got home.  It is sad that the person that we need most, is no longer here.   I've adjusted to not having her her physically -- I can survive.  I just don't know if I can do this emotionally.

I havent adjusted not having him around physically either. Every few hours I start crying for an hour. I still have no appetite and my health is declining. And I still check my phone to see if he sent me a text occasionally. It hurts to remember every time...

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TooDevastated
37 minutes ago, Azipod said:

 

Here is the actual law on the "Belgian Act on Euthanasia" signed into law in 2002.

http://www.ethical-perspectives.be/viewpic.php?LAN=E&TABLE=EP&ID=59

I will take a serious look at this tomorrow morning. I want to know if this is really an option. At age 25, they could make use of most of my organs so I should be a good candidate I suppose. 

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

It's tough for all ages.  When you're young, you wonder how you're going to make it through all the remainder of your lifetime without that person.    If I took a guess, I have at least 40-years to go.

Guys, please don't scare me, 40+ years I mean its too much. I am thinking to leave earth in my 40's not more 40 years.

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4 hours ago, Never ending pain said:

I wished I was one of them as well. If you enjoy life, it's taken away.... If you are tired of living it goes on and on and on.....

Very true, the moment you start living your life, if this would happen in future then it will take away and right now we all want to die it goes on.

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That Belgium Act of Euthanasia----  I would think you would have to have doctor statements as clinical proof of irreversible depression?

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

That Belgium Act of Euthanasia----  I would think you would have to have doctor statements as clinical proof of irreversible depression?

Yes, it is based on a doctor's assessment of the patient's condition.     I don't think I am in depression, but I can slip into it really easily if I allowed myself to.  I think most of us can.

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37 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Yes, it is based on a doctor's assessment of the patient's condition.     I don't think I am in depression, but I can slip into it really easily if I allowed myself to.  I think most of us can.

I surely can but I don't think my family will be ready for this ever.

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On 9/29/2017 at 2:37 AM, TooDevastated said:

It makes me sad to see happy couples around too. Not jealous. But I cant help but wonder what we did wrong to have been separated from one another like this while these people get to continue being happy together.  

I dont believe there is an end to this pain. I will not think of my boyfriend as a 'chapter in my life to remember fondly' or whatever. He is the one and the only and the fact that he is gone does not change that. My heart will always ache for as long as I live. 

 

 

I do feel the same when I saw other couples. But I do admit I do get jealous of their happiness and I kept asking what did we did wrong and why!!!! We were just simple people who just want to spend time together. Cant God gives us more time together. Then a friend ask - if you are given 5 years more and then what? We all have to die one day, just the matter when. And we will still be the one left behind will there be any different from where we stand now? I just don't know what to answer but I know as you do... our heart will ache for our love ones everyday for the rest of out life.   

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8 minutes ago, TeddTodd said:

I do feel the same when I saw other couples. But I do admit I do get jealous of their happiness and I kept asking what did we did wrong and why!!!! We were just simple people who just want to spend time together. Cant God gives us more time together. Then a friend ask - if you are given 5 years more and then what? We all have to die one day, just the matter when. And we will still be the one left behind will there be any different from where we stand now? I just don't know what to answer but I know as you do... our heart will ache for our love ones everyday for the rest of out life.   

I see old couple in front of my house, I just look at them and think, they have no idea how lucky they are. They are together in their last years of life since they get married. I mean who wrote their fate and who wrote ours with all these sorrow.

I agree we all have to die one day but no one can justify death at age of 30, no way, I can't accept this and will never. If he live 5 years more, at least we would have one kid who will tell him papa, daddy and I will see my husband's face in his face. He didn't fulfill his single dream, we were just starting and life robbed us.

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

I see old couple in front of my house, I just look at them and think, they have no idea how lucky they are. They are together in their last years of life since they get married. I mean who wrote their fate and who wrote ours with all these sorrow.

I agree we all have to die one day but no one can justify death at age of 30, no way, I can't accept this and will never. If he live 5 years more, at least we would have one kid who will tell him papa, daddy and I will see my husband's face in his face. He didn't fulfill his single dream, we were just starting and life robbed us.

Yes... I would also have one kid with him too... maybe a little girl. He wanted a little girl and name her Jessica. 

I am sorry for your loss. 

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17 minutes ago, TeddTodd said:

Yes... I would also have one kid with him too... maybe a little girl. He wanted a little girl and name her Jessica. 

I am sorry for your loss. 

He wanted a Boy and want him to look like just him, his feature. I wanted a girl and also wanted to look like him only.

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One of the dangers of euthanizing yourself or committing suicide because of grief depression is that you never give yourself a chance to find any hope or see anything get any better.  It's hard to know what lies ahead unless you live it.

I, too, had those thoughts of "I can't do this another 40 years" because I was 52 when my husband died and my family lives into their 90s.  When I had those thoughts I'd remind myself to stay in today.  None of us really know how long our life will be regardless of genetics.  After all, we didn't expect our spouse to die when they di.

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10 hours ago, TeddTodd said:

 Then a friend ask - if you are given 5 years more and then what? We all have to die one day, just the matter when. And we will still be the one left behind will there be any different from where we stand now? 

I don't think your friend's response acknowledges your loss.   If you were given 5 more years with your significant other, then you have five more years.   Yes, we all will die some day.  But there's a difference between having your partner die at a young age vs. old age.    When they go at an early age, you are robbed of your relationship.   When they go at a mature age, then perhaps it's more natural.   In both instances, they will hurt.   But in the latter instance, at least they got to spend their time together.   

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I see old couple in front of my house, I just look at them and think, they have no idea how lucky they are. They are together in their last years of life since they get married. I mean who wrote their fate and who wrote ours with all these sorrow.

I agree we all have to die one day but no one can justify death at age of 30, no way, I can't accept this and will never. 

It will NEVER BE ACCEPTABLE.   I will be mad and angry for the rest of my pathetic life.

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13 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It will NEVER BE ACCEPTABLE.   I will be mad and angry for the rest of my pathetic life.

Pathetic for sure. We go for holidays with our friends before and now they gone and I am here without him. This is not acceptable at all and I can't see any ray of hope in my future. Frankly I am jealous that they are enjoying their life like before no matter we are not with them they have other friends now.

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TooDevastated
3 hours ago, Azipod said:

It will NEVER BE ACCEPTABLE.   I will be mad and angry for the rest of my pathetic life.

This is exactly how I feel. My boyfriend was in a bad place when we met. He wasnt happy at all, didnt enjoy life. That has changed so drastically after we became a couple and we have been really happy for the last five years. 

I am thrown  in that same bad place now that he is gone. Ironically... I dont want to adjust to a life without him in it. It'll be sad and pathetic. I truly wish there was some way to ensure dying real soon apart from taking our own lives.  

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This is exactly how I feel. My boyfriend was in a bad place when we met. He wasnt happy at all, didnt enjoy life. That has changed so drastically after we became a couple and we have been really happy for the last five years. 

I am thrown  in that same bad place now that he is gone. Ironically... I dont want to adjust to a life without him in it. It'll be sad and pathetic. I truly wish there was some way to ensure dying real soon apart from taking our own lives.  

I eat a hash brown from McDonalds every morning for breakfast. I think that’s a good start

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5 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This is exactly how I feel. My boyfriend was in a bad place when we met. He wasnt happy at all, didnt enjoy life. That has changed so drastically after we became a couple and we have been really happy for the last five years. 

I am thrown  in that same bad place now that he is gone. Ironically... I dont want to adjust to a life without him in it. It'll be sad and pathetic. I truly wish there was some way to ensure dying real soon apart from taking our own lives.  

I wish that too, like we read in some other thread couple surviving chances are 66% less.

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I agree with all of you. I know it has to be hard for someone who has spent their whole life together to lose their spouse, but it seems all the more unfair for someone just starting out to go through it.  It took us our lives to find each other and even though we weren't in our 30s, we had just begun our life together and we never got to experience the things most couples do.  To be 30 seems way harder yet, you just don't expect it, although neither did I when he'd just turned 51.  We didn't meet until our mid 40s.

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We just celebrated his mom 70th birthday who would have though he will leave us a week later at 48. I thought we have all the time together.... We were all so happy and laughing away..we did not know that would be the last family photos together. 

I was even joking with him... will you love me with my 70th years old look? He just laugh at my silly comment and he gave me loving smiles. 

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

I agree with all of you. I know it has to be hard for someone who has spent their whole life together to lose their spouse, but it seems all the more unfair for someone just starting out to go through it.  It took us our lives to find each other and even though we weren't in our 30s, we had just begun our life together and we never got to experience the things most couples do.  To be 30 seems way harder yet, you just don't expect it, although neither did I when he'd just turned 51.  We didn't meet until our mid 40s.

Perhaps the better way to look at this is the length of the marriage/relationship.    Losing someone special will always be difficult.     In general, my view is that losing someone after being with them for a short time seems much more cruel and unfair than those couples, who have spent a lifetime or decades together.   At the end of the day, all losses are bad.   I just feel very unfortunate to have lost my wife after just marrying her for over 5-years.  We are in our 30s.   Our marriage was way too short, and her leaving has come way too early for me.   

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TooDevastated
3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Perhaps the better way to look at this is the length of the marriage/relationship.    Losing someone special will always be difficult.     In general, my view is that losing someone after being with them for a short time seems much more cruel and unfair than those couples, who have spent a lifetime or decades together.   At the end of the day, all losses are bad.   I just feel very unfortunate to have lost my wife after just marrying her for over 5-years.  We are in our 30s.   Our marriage was way too short, and her leaving has come way too early for me.   

We have been together for 5 years and we were just financially ready to get married and were starting making plans. I was looking at different flowers and wedding dresses.. And then I had to help his family choose flowers to be put on his casket... This is just so unfair. Noone should have to go through this pain when having so many dreams and still so young. I feel as though I aged so fast that I became a 60 yo in these last couple of weeks.

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9 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

We have been together for 5 years and we were just financially ready to get married and were starting making plans. I was looking at different flowers and wedding dresses.. And then I had to help his family choose flowers to be put on his casket... This is just so unfair. Noone should have to go through this pain when having so many dreams and still so young. I feel as though I aged so fast that I became a 60 yo in these last couple of weeks.

I'm so sorry about what you are going through.   

My heart dropped when I read your post.  I went back and thought about the times when my wife and I were getting  married.  When we were doing the planning.  The things we were looking forward to.  The planning of the wedding, the choose of venues, the invitations, the declarations, the honey-moon, the future together, everything.

Now, there is no wedding.  There was a funeral.  To have all those plans ripped away from us along with losing our loved one is just completely unimaginable.  

I am sorry.    It is truly Too Devastating. 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

Perhaps the better way to look at this is the length of the marriage/relationship.    Losing someone special will always be difficult.     In general, my view is that losing someone after being with them for a short time seems much more cruel and unfair than those couples, who have spent a lifetime or decades together.   At the end of the day, all losses are bad.   I just feel very unfortunate to have lost my wife after just marrying her for over 5-years.  We are in our 30s.   Our marriage was way too short, and her leaving has come way too early for me.   

Sometimes I feel like I have the worst of both worlds. I’m only 32 so we thought we still had a lifetime together. But we also had been together for 15 years and married for 11 so most of my life was spent with her and I don’t really know how to live without her. And I don’t really want to learn either. I hate this so much. I’ve been in such a bad place the last few days. I know that’s the case for several of us. I wish I could help you guys.

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TooDevastated
1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I'm so sorry about what you are going through.   

My heart dropped when I read your post.  I went back and thought about the times when my wife and I were getting  married.  When we were doing the planning.  The things we were looking forward to.  The planning of the wedding, the choose of venues, the invitations, the declarations, the honey-moon, the future together, everything.

Now, there is no wedding.  There was a funeral.  To have all those plans ripped away from us along with losing our loved one is just completely unimaginable.  

I am sorry.  It is truly Too Devastating. 

It really is. He insisted that I try on a wedding dress and its just too painful to remember what his face looked like then. Its really sad for all of us for different reasons but unfinished plans and dreams and young deaths make it all too unbearable and the pain is beyond regular grief. 

I wish there was something we could do for each other to ease the pain. I feel as though all of us here are comrades fighting in the same war and in the same side. 

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1 minute ago, TooDevastated said:

 

I wish there was something we could do for each other to ease the pain. I feel as though all of us here are comrades fighting in the same war and in the same side. 

That’s exactly how I feel

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18 hours ago, Azipod said:

Perhaps the better way to look at this is the length of the marriage/relationship.    Losing someone special will always be difficult.     In general, my view is that losing someone after being with them for a short time seems much more cruel and unfair than those couples, who have spent a lifetime or decades together.   At the end of the day, all losses are bad.   I just feel very unfortunate to have lost my wife after just marrying her for over 5-years.  We are in our 30s.   Our marriage was way too short, and her leaving has come way too early for me.   

I've heard it said that it is the depth of relationship that determines the depth of our grief, and I think there's truth to that.  Some people go through a long marriage and don't grieve in the way we do.  There are others just starting out that don't grieve as we are.  I have actually heard one widow refer to her late husband as "an old coot" and she neither mourned nor missed him.  This isn't disparaging of her so much as him...he was a violent alcoholic that beat her...kind of hard to miss that.

For us, we were soulmates, we clicked from the beginning, at just a couple of months of knowing him I already felt I couldn't bear life without him...and we hadn't even progressed beyond friendship at that point.  I just couldn't envision him being out of my life, I knew for the rest of my life I would wonder about and miss him!  And so it went for us, we had to be together.  To live without him was inconceivable, and yet, here I am.

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