How long?

[SRB]

I lost my fiance, the first man in my life who was kind because I had done the work to know my self-worth.  We were together for 2 years where all our people commented that we never seemed happier or at such peace.  The night he died I told him he looked unwell...he looked shocky...im a nurse.  Then I went home and we talked on the phone about when we would move in together and how we would marry.  We had always talked about marriage but we actually started to formulate a simple plan.  He talked to his daughter about it.  He wanted me to come stay over but I was always so precious about my sleep.  I left him to die alone and for his daughter to find him.  I know we had the cherished conversations and he died in love.  Am I going to be spending tbe rest of my life waiting for him to come get me?  Cause im trying...im reaching out...its early...im not isolating...but I just want him to come get me (not suicidal).  Just one more cuddle...

[KayC]

SRB,

I am so sorry...it is so hard.  You didn't "leave him to die alone and for his daughter to find him", you simply went home as you always did.  You had no way of knowing this would happen, and if you would have known, of course you would have stayed with him.  How could any of us know or predict what was to come?!  We all thought it was an ordinary day, nothing different about it.  You were both in love and planning a life together, and THAT is what he was thinking about as he found himself entering the world beyond.

Oh how we relate, we would all love one more time to be together!  And if any of us could plan one more day together, it wouldn't likely be a spectacular day of sightseeing or Disneyland, it'd be an ordinary day in each other's arms that we would choose.  For that is what we miss.

Welcome to this site, I hope you will keep coming here, it helps a lot, just knowing there are others making their way through this that understand.

You ask "How long?"  As long as it takes.  One day at a time.  It helps not to look at the whole future ahead, but just this day, that's more than enough to try to handle.

[KMB]

SRB,   It hurts every time someone new joins this forum. We know the pain and all the emotions, all the changes, that a person is going to be enduring. I am deeply sorry you lost the love of your life and the future you were planning. it is so unfair when life doesn't keep going the way we wish it to. KayC is right. You did nothing wrong. You didn't know what was going to happen. We never do. We go along with what we know and we live in the present moment. We go about living our lives like usual and then the unthinkable happens. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. I didn't know it was going to happen that day. We had a good, normal day. We had a friend over and we were enjoying the day. I am thankful though, that my husband's last day was a good one.

The best advice is what you will most likely see repeated in many posts. One day at a time. We don't know the future, so there is no point in thinking or worrying about. All we need is whatever it takes to get through the current day. The rest of the days will work themselves out when they get here.

Sending you prayers for comfort and peace------

[SRB]

Thank you both so much.  It helps knowing that people get through this.  I cant think my way out of this...ive tried. Its just very surreal.  I sense the grief will always be present but it will change in intensity.  Im still just pondering how long hes going to make me wait till i see him again.  At 42 with no children im having quite the pity party...he was my future that id waited so long to be ready for.  Im glad we had love and no arguments before he died. I can get through...i just dont want to.  I guess the acceptance part is needing to sink in.  One step at a time....im so sorry for your losses.  Its so raw...so intimate....

[KayC]

15 hours ago, SRB said:

I sense the grief will always be present but it will change in intensity.

You are right.  Our grief continues but it evolves and we naturally adjust somewhat, but oh how it takes so much time to do so!  One day at a time, it can't be reiterated enough, it's how I've had to do the last 12 years, it's how I'll have to do the rest of my life.

[Azipod]

On 9/23/2017 at 1:38 PM, SRB said:

Thank you both so much.  It helps knowing that people get through this.  I cant think my way out of this...ive tried. Its just very surreal.  I sense the grief will always be present but it will change in intensity.  Im still just pondering how long hes going to make me wait till i see him again.  At 42 with no children im having quite the pity party...he was my future that id waited so long to be ready for.  Im glad we had love and no arguments before he died. I can get through...i just dont want to.  I guess the acceptance part is needing to sink in.  One step at a time....im so sorry for your losses.  Its so raw...so intimate....

SRB. Keep an open mind and you may start seeing signs soon. The grief is going to be one heck of a ride. I’ve never imagined being able to experience so many levels of sadness and emptiness.  The sadness will have texture, it will resonate, and at times, it will be so intense that it will literally draw you to your knees. Sometimes I feel sick to the gut.  My wife and I are 39, we also have no children so I can relate. There will never be acceptance since there was never conscent for our partner to go, we never agreed on that. Perhaps acknowledgment, but it’s never something we can accept. It will never be acceptable.

[Tineke H]

Hi SRB.Saying:'Welcome' to this forum does not sound right,but you know what I mean.Every body on this forum knows what you are going through and every body feels strongly for you.We are all here for the same reason : we have lost the person that was most precious to us.You are in the right place here.You can say anything you want and you can repeat yourself over and over and talk about your man endlessly..

My Steve died June '16 and it still seems like yesterday.I notice that friends and family around me move on much quicker than I (naturally!!)but often all I want to do is talk about Steve.I have a very supportive circle around me and that has been life saving,but you do not always want to bother others with your sorrow.The forum is there for you,any time you want.

About the how long.Who knows?KayC's George died 12 years ago and for her it is still one day at the time.The same for me,one day at a time and that is after 16 months.Yes ,you do adjust and the rawness changes.I am still very very sad and I miss 'my old me'.Of course 'my old me' will never come back but I am hoping  for something not too far of it.

Azipod,I do recognise : 'The sadness can be so intense that it draws you to your knees'.That has happened to me many times.What can you do?Ride the waves of sadness and you will come out the other end,still alive.You have no choice.We all have to do this.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Azipod said:

There will never be acceptance since there was never conscent for our partner to go, we never agreed on that.

That's how I felt too.  I hated the word "acceptance"!  I now realize the books/therapist just mean realization that they're gone, but why don't they call it that instead of acceptance?!  "Acceptance" implies "agree with" and oh we do not!!

[Francine]

 

On 9/23/2017 at 3:38 PM, SRB said:

 I cant think my way out of this...ive tried. Its just very surreal.  I sense the grief will always be present but it will change in intensity.  Im still just pondering how long hes going to make me wait till i see him again.  At 42 with no children im having quite the pity party...he was my future that id waited so long to be ready for.  Im glad we had love and no arguments before he died.

I am so sorry for your loss and know only too well the pain you're experiencing.  You're right not to think your way of out this, because you can't. As far as I see it, grief is constant and never truly ends and you're right,  it changes its intensity.  It may become softer over time, gentler, and on some days, may feel sharp as a razor's edge.  It's simply the way absence of your loved one manifest in your heart. Like a thick, dense fog;  Some days the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede; but always a constant flow of joy, pain, and love.

I'm a believer in God, faith and prayer and it is my belief that we will see our loved ones again - no doubt in my mind. The earth is not our home; we're merely passing through it.  We all have a purpose and task while on this earth and when we have completed that task, we too will be taken home - Heaven.     Although the Bible doesn’t answer all our questions about life after death, it clearly tells us that we can look forward to heaven’s joys when we die, if we know Christ. 

Our loved ones have completed their task on this earth and are now in the presence of God and nothing evil or harmful will ever touch them again.  As painful as it is for us who are left behind mourning their passing,  the angels are rejoicing their return to heaven.  Scripture is true and in Revelation 21:4 it states that,  "HE will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death, sadness, crying or pain.  All the old ways are gone".  Why would anyone not want to go there?

Too often when there are arguments, misunderstandings, bickering, and/or quarrels right before a love one dies, we have the tendency of blaming ourselves.   I'm glad, in your case, that was not the situation.   My Charles left this world knowing how much I loved him; I always told him that and I'm so glad I did. 

I hope you continue to post; know that you are in my prayers.  At the end of the day, all you need is God's Peace, Hope and Strength.  Peace to heal your soul; Hope knowing that it will get better, and Strength to hold on until it does.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Francine said:

I'm a believer in God, faith and prayer and it is my belief that we will see our loved ones again - no doubt in my mind. The earth is not our home; we're merely passing through it.  We all have a purpose and task while on this earth and when we have completed that task, we too will be taken home - Heaven.     Although the Bible doesn’t answer all our questions about life after death, it clearly tells us that we can look forward to heaven’s joys when we die, if we know Christ. 

This is what gets me through and makes all the difference in the world!

[Francine]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

This is what gets me through and makes all the difference in the world!

Hallelujah and Amen!

[KavitaHubby]

On 9/22/2017 at 10:24 PM, SRB said:

I lost my fiance, the first man in my life who was kind because I had done the work to know my self-worth.  We were together for 2 years where all our people commented that we never seemed happier or at such peace.  The night he died I told him he looked unwell...he looked shocky...im a nurse.  Then I went home and we talked on the phone about when we would move in together and how we would marry.  We had always talked about marriage but we actually started to formulate a simple plan.  He talked to his daughter about it.  He wanted me to come stay over but I was always so precious about my sleep.  I left him to die alone and for his daughter to find him.  I know we had the cherished conversations and he died in love.  Am I going to be spending tbe rest of my life waiting for him to come get me?  Cause im trying...im reaching out...its early...im not isolating...but I just want him to come get me (not suicidal).  Just one more cuddle...

I am so sorry for your loss. For now take one day at a time and even one hour at a time. Drink lots of water and eat something.

Hugs.

[SRB]

Is it normal to look for them in old texts pictures voicemails etc...now that im back at work its so clear hes gone.  Hes not in my routine and i cant find him anymore.  Feels like im torturing myself but i cant find him anymore...

[Azipod]

Yes. The adjustment can be really difficult.  I believe I'm mostly past that stage.  Now, I'm just living with the realization that she's no longer here, forever.  In many ways, I find this stage even more difficult than earlier stage... which is the adjustment of them no longer being in your daily routine.    I've learned that when I become sad, I need to ride it out as oppose to fighting the sad thoughts.  It's easier said than done.    But mostly, I try not to tell myself not to think about it.  But instead, I do think about it, allow myself to process the bad feelings, and then its intensity will slowly fade away.     I do that now, but I think during the earlier days, it was much much more difficult.

[SRB]

I wish i had kids...something to keep me motivated.  All it is is he wouldnt want me to get stuck.  But...thats not enough i dont think.  I smoke...work...cry...started drinking water.  I want him back...i cant get passed that.  Its all i can think...come back...come get me.  

[LoveGoli]

3 hours ago, SRB said:

Is it normal to look for them in old texts pictures voicemails etc...now that im back at work its so clear hes gone.  Hes not in my routine and i cant find him anymore.  Feels like im torturing myself but i cant find him anymore...

I check my old messages, I listened his recording, I watch his videos, and at the end I cry and I knew this before but still I do. When I read his last messages I still don't believe that he is gone, he was just here and sending messages all the time. In few messages he wrote that he is going to late because of traffic, that time I just wish this would true and he come home soon, I wish this horrible dream end soon. But deep down we all know that this its not dream , this is our reality and we can't hide from this, no matter how cruel this is.

[LoveGoli]

25 minutes ago, SRB said:

I wish i had kids...something to keep me motivated.  All it is is he wouldnt want me to get stuck.  But...thats not enough i dont think.  I smoke...work...cry...started drinking water.  I want him back...i cant get passed that.  Its all i can think...come back...come get me.  

I don't have kids either and sometime I wish I had kids at least I can see his face or his legacy on them, but at same time feel its ok if I don't have any kids because I am not in that situation to take care of anyone. I don't care if I eat or not , all I want is to go with him, and taking care of kids is big responsibility. I woke up, work, get home, sleep (cry no matter if I am in office or home) that is my schedule now, which I never ever imagined and I am sure none of us. He don't take away my future, happiness only but my youth as well. 

I also deserve to be happy, care free, holidays, quality time with him but he take away all these things with him and I left here with empty hands. 

[SRB]

Its hard not to be frustrated with their leaving us even though they wouldnt want to.  Your work day and my work day are very similiar...it helps to know im not alone in how it feels.  Its so weird to be grappling with reality and still trying to hold on to some semblance that hes not gone..i text him all the time.  Listen to messages like you.  Hugs to you...big hugs.  

[LoveGoli]

24 minutes ago, SRB said:

Its hard not to be frustrated with their leaving us even though they wouldnt want to.  Your work day and my work day are very similiar...it helps to know im not alone in how it feels.  Its so weird to be grappling with reality and still trying to hold on to some semblance that hes not gone..i text him all the time.  Listen to messages like you.  Hugs to you...big hugs.  

They definitely wouldn't want to, when doctors preparing him for ICU he was so concerned for me and was saying to me, go home I will meet you at morning, you must be so tired, take some rest. He was so sure that nothing is going to happen him and so did I. If I would know this is last time I am seeing him alive, At least say I love him so much but I didn't say anything and just tell him take rest don't worry about other things.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Azipod said:

I do think about it, allow myself to process the bad feelings, and then its intensity will slowly fade away.  

That's a necessary part of processing our grief, which is healthy.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, SRB said:

Is it normal to look for them in old texts pictures voicemails etc.

Yes, we are pretty much consumed by them almost to obsession, especially in the earlier months/years.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

They definitely wouldn't want to, when doctors preparing him for ICU he was so concerned for me and was saying to me, go home I will meet you at morning, you must be so tired, take some rest. He was so sure that nothing is going to happen him and so did I. If I would know this is last time I am seeing him alive, At least say I love him so much but I didn't say anything and just tell him take rest don't worry about other things.

They don't always know what's going to happen.  I went on my sisters' reunion, which I did once a year, it was a Friday.  Right after I left he drove himself to the doctor, he was having a heart attack!  He told the doctor not to call me, he didn't want to ruin my weekend!  I didn't find out until that night and had no way to get to the hospital as I'd rode with my sister and she refused to leave (4 1/2 hours away).  I didn't get there until Sunday, and never got alone time with him, people there, then they moved him, when they let me in he was asleep, woke up having another heart attack.  I notified the nurse's station, doctors came running, she threw me out and locked the door behind me.  Then they came to tell me, they didn't have to say a word, I knew by the look on their faces he was gone.

I wish I could have had that weekend with him.  He was thinking of me, but didn't understand my weekend was already ruined, I only wanted to be with him.  How I wish the doctor would have called me right away, we weren't even out of town yet at that time.  Did we see the ambulance pass us, never knowing it was for my husband?  We never forget any details of the time surrounding their death.

Just know it's not your fault or his, it's just how things transpired.  None of us have any way of knowing things would turn out the way they did.

[SRB]

The would've could've should've is such a hard place to stay away from....I don't spend much time there.  It's just hard to see how this would have gone differently even though its done and is what it is...This 'acceptance' thing...the realization that he is not coming back is so very hard to see.  I guess its the obsession piece trying to find ways to find him so I can say he is still here.  It's all very exhausting.  I cant imagine this life without him.  It's nice to know it carries on in some way.  That being said I have zero interest in figuring out a life without him...I guess that just happens with time.  It's hard to imagine there will be any joy without him...there wasn't much before him...he was the reward for having worked so hard on myself to accept the love of someone who was healthy and strong (emotionally and physically).  I'm tired and not sure I have the energy to seek it out when the raw kick in the tenders starts to fade.  I believe and don't believe this gets better all at once.  I think I just want to the hurt to stop.

[Djh0901kc]

16 hours ago, SRB said:

Its hard not to be frustrated with their leaving us even though they wouldnt want to.  Your work day and my work day are very similiar...it helps to know im not alone in how it feels.  Its so weird to be grappling with reality and still trying to hold on to some semblance that hes not gone..i text him all the time.  Listen to messages like you.  Hugs to you...big hugs.  

I still text my wife every day. I text her when I wake up. I text her when something happens that I would want to tell her. I even text her when I hear something on a podcast that she would find interesting. I just can’t accept that she’s gone. You aren’t alone.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, SRB said:

I think I just want to the hurt to stop.

For the most part it does, eventually.  We still miss them though, and life is never the same again.  it's like once it was in color and now it's in various shades of grey.