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Paluka

This hurts so much - my ex in-laws

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On 11/1/2017 at 2:49 AM, Paluka said:

Thanks to you both. Lauri's father has given her son a list of things he wants "back" like a painting he had painted for her and so forth. He seems to think he can dictate things over which he has no control. Again, he is invalidating our marriage. 

I am in a somewhat similar situation, only difference is me and Carlo weren't officially married when he died. I have his sister telling me same thing, she wants her family's stuff "back" to her...

It is outrages, how people can be so greedy after losing someone they love. The biggest problem is they don't realize how they are just losing so much more from these stupid requests about material stuff, they are losing a connection and a relationship with the person that was closest to their daughter/her brother.

Having people and true love in your life is much more important than material items, sentimental as they may be.

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I can't imagine asking for a t.v. or something back, it seems money-grubbing!  How would Lauri feel about this!  These people are hurting you.  You should be recognized as her husband, the one she chose above all others to go through life with, and you should be able to take your time with all of this, they're forcing your hand when you can't even think yet!

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Her son does not want to do this right now. His Grandfather is pushing the issue. I told her son that there was no rush and that nothing was going anywhere. I also told him to let me know what Lauri's Dad wants and I will consider dropping it off to him when I visit Lauri's grave on her birthday (November 16th). He is supposed to let me know. Like I said I have friends that will be with me and I talked to a Buddy of mine who is a police officer. He will be on stand by in case there is any nonsense.

Yes, they should recognize me but right now they just blame. It's all they know.

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Paluka,

I'm glad you will have support with you, a policeman sounds good indeed!  I hope they realize you aren't under obligation to comply with their wishes, they should appeal rather than demand.  Some people.

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53 minutes ago, KayC said:

Paluka,

I'm glad you will have support with you, a policeman sounds good indeed!  I hope they realize you aren't under obligation to comply with their wishes, they should appeal rather than demand.  Some people.

Thank you. It is all I know to do at this point. I have bent over backwards for them yet things still seem to be this way. They demand because it is a toxic thing to do.

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Paluka,  I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You are going about it the right way and you have the knowing that Lauri would commend you on that. Some people is right, like KayC said. No sense of respect, consideration or sympathy for your grieving. Makes you wonder if they really miss Lauri, when their interest/demands is in material possessions.

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23 hours ago, Paluka said:

Thank you. It is all I know to do at this point. I have bent over backwards for them yet things still seem to be this way. They demand because it is a toxic thing to do.

You're right.  Their demands are reflective of who THEY are, nothing to do with you.  By the same token, you don't need to give in to their demands, nothing obligates you to.  I'd consider what would make your wife happy, what YOU are comfortable with, let go of their mouths moving.

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Lauri’s son and some of his friends came by to gather up some things. I sent the things her Dad wanted with him. He was very good about everything. I said what he was allowed to take and what he was not allowed to take. He honored my wishes. 

Overall, it went very well. He really is a good kid. More worried about me than himself or “stuff.”  

I am viewing this as another step in the grieving process. I am currently an emotional mess but it’s okay. There was no reason for me to keep anything he took. It’s just hard to see anything that belonged to Lauri leave our house. It makes this more real and sad. 

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Paluka,   I understand how upset you are. It is so painful letting go of anything that belonged to our loved one. We still have that sense of responsibility, protectiveness. I guess it is because inside of our heart is the longing that they will come back to us.

Lauri's son is a good, stand up person. A testament to his mother's love and upbringing, and his feelings towards you. It touches my heart he was concerned for you and not the stuff.

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I am viewing this as another step in the grieving process. I am currently an emotional mess but it’s okay. 

One moment at a time. You took care of one challenge. Your energy can now be shifted to the next task.  It’s OK to be an emotional mess.  At 4 months, I am still a mess in many ways.  And I’m OK with that. I know it will be like this for a while.  But it won’t be like this forever.  

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I know how you feel. It is so hard with the trying, the surviving. It is a day in and day out constant struggle, that will last us the rest of our life. I miss my husband every second --------

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Paluka,

I'm glad that went well, it does sound like she raised a good son.  It is hard to let go of anything like letting go of a piece of them.  George had a fishing hat that everyone wanted.  I knew who I wanted to have it but wasn't ready to let go of it...it took me nine years to but I finally gave it to his best friend Dan.  He teared up when I gave it to him, he knew it was an honor.

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I have been doing okay. The holidays were pretty rough. I had to excuse myself multiple times to go fall apart. I cried all the way home (3 hour drive) after my family's get-together on January 30th. I am still recovering emotionally this week from so many events without her. I hope everyone had a better time than I did.

I also found out that the local florist where I was getting flowers for Lauri's grave has been calling Lauri's parents to tell them that I was doing so. I had a glass heart made and placed it at her grave site. I found out that Lauri's mother has been taking everything I place on the grave and throwing it away! One of Lauri's relatives was able to get her to give her the heart and the other things I had placed there. This woman is so damn vicious. None of her relatives would dare to confront her because "she'll come after me." Can anyone believe this crap?

I also found out that her parents may try to exclude my last name (Lauri's married name) from her marker. Seriously? How these people live any kind of life is beyond me. Why'll I am very angry, I REFUSE to allow my love for Lauri to be turned into bitterness and conflict. I have my family's support and the support of all of her family except her parents.

I did have a picture of Lauri placed on her tomb. It is cemented into place so they'll have to chisel it off if they want to remove it. Maybe I should do the same thing with everything! HAHA

Lauri's toxicology report finally came in and showed nothing out of place. She did not have anything in her system that would have killed her. I have not told anyone this except you guys. Now, I wait to get the final report from the medical examiner.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

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Paluka,

OMG, I have never heard of people being so horrid!  Have you contacted the cemetery and let them know that these people are stealing things you place on your wife's grave?  How can they have any say in the marker, you are her husband!  YOU are next of kin!

Wow.  I'm so sorry.

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I am so sorry that you have to deal with this type of trouble.  All I can say is bad karma for them.  They will get to experience this pain and hurt when it's time for them to do their life review. Shame on them.

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I HAve contacted the cemetery. They can’t do much unless they catch her. 

As far as the marker is concerned this is her mother’s attempt to change what was ordered. They asked to split the cost of the marker. Now I know why. She’s being so hateful. I will never understand this type of thinking and behavior. 

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I'd do my best to reimburse her her share of the marker and do things MY way!  But that's me, I'm fiercely independent and will not have anyone trying to control me or undermine me.  They'd have a huge fight on their hands.  Don't worry that it's her mother, she is enemy #1!

Does the cemetery have video cameras?  Maybe if they have people desecrating plots, they should install some!  I'd check with the police, but I'm pretty sure she's breaking the law by stealing from a plot.

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I have an attorney friend who is talking to the police for me. Video stuff is in the works as well. I am not going to let this occur. It's as simple as that.

I was very respectful and generous with my in-laws but they have pushed me too far. Since they have not shown any respect or dignity then it's game over. I do not care for her mother's opinion and she knows that based on her behavior. The marker will say what I want it to say. Period.

 

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Good for you!  When I lost my husband, the fight came out in me to stand up for myself, we need that, we need to fight not only for ourselves, but for our spouse and what their wishes would have been.

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It sounds so much like my wife’s family. Unfortunately with them it’s pretty much everyone and not just her parents. I just cut off contact with them. No point. Hang in there

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