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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Paluka

This hurts so much - my ex in-laws

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9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

It made me feel sick to know what parts of him they took and how they cut his heart open to check the arteries etc. But overall, I know he would love the idea of being able to help others. Who knows maybe little kids... 

I wish there was a way to get them back. This is just so terrible. I have been having the worst days of my life. Its going to be 3 months since he died tomorrow. And I feel like I should be dead with him. What lesson is there to learn from such a great loss? I dont believe he died because he learned something magical overnight or that his death is teaching anyone anything.

My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I dont see what the point of hanging around is. All I want is to be with him. I found a picture of us from our holiday watching a street fair. Cluless that he'd be dead in 3 days. Cluless and happy and in love and smiling. I would do anything to get him back. Anything for a second chance. 

 

My day is so pathetic today, 3 months completed till I lost him and I can't explain in words how I am feeling right now. I just saw pictures of our friends enjoying their holidays and its remind me how we used to spend our holidays together with these friends who are enjoying their life like nothing happened. Why this happiness taken away from me, why.. why..., I should be with him enjoying the life. I just took long cry in office washroom so that at least I can sit at my desk.

I am just so tired of being sad all the time, I wish my life over soon , whenever I feel pain in my chest I  pray it turns out to heart failure.

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7 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I am really sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry for all of us. It really does feel like we are all cursed doesnt it Djh? Why on earth would we be chosen otherwise? Why us, the ones truly in love and happy when there are so many couples cheating, lying, etc. Karma doesn't exist. If it did, I wouldn't be suffering like this...

I totally agree with you, we all are cursed. If Karma pay then he would be here definitely, he was the most humble, innocent, helping person one can ever imagine. There are many couple who hate each other even kill sometime,  but who truly love each other fate separate them.

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9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I still half expect an undo switch to appear out of thin air so I can put him back together and undo the last months.. 

I wish I can go to past and live my last three years of marriage again and again and never come back to future till my last breathe. 

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In catching up reading this thread since yesterday morning, I feel sick to my stomach to read about some of your experiences.  I didn't listen to the podcast because I couldn't...that someone reacts that way, no, just can't listen to it.  We are the ones here forever loving and missing our spouse, not everyone does.  We are the ones that had the amazing relationships, the ones that had something to miss...and we do.

I'm sorry for those who went through autopsies, I didn't have to because he was in the hospital when he had his heart attack, they'd already run all the tests, poked, prodded him, they knew what was happening and why.  They threw me out when he was suffering his last heart attack.  They didn't want me to see what they were doing to him, and he was alive then.  It was some time after he died before they let me in to see him.  What were they doing that they had to make him presentable?  He had bruises on him.  I don't want to know.  It's too hard.  I'm just glad it's over for him that he didn't have to keep going through that, the shock paddles,his eyes were so big the last time I saw him, he was in so much pain.  Oh that I could have taken that pain away from him!  I'd rather go through it myself than see him suffer.  My tears fall, I miss him so much, I love him, I always will.

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17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

The emt made me leave the house and when they brought her out she was in the bag and they wouldn’t let me see her. The next time I saw her was in the back of the funeral home and they had already done their thing and it didn’t look like my baby anymore. They made me leave the house and I never saw her beautiful brown eyes again. Oh god

This is so horrible.   Along with each passing being a devastated loss for someone, there is also always a  very powerful story behind how things unfolded.  All losses are unique, and traumatizing in it's own way.    How can life be beautiful, pleasurable, yet at times, be so cruel and hurtful?   

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17 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

When I saw him, it was post autopsy too and he didnt look like him either. People told me not to look at him. But what choice did I have? I had to see him. I had to see it with my own eyes so my brain would understand. I still cant believe how this could happen. 

I still half expect an undo switch to appear out of thin air so I can put him back together and undo the last months.. 

The first night at the hospital, my wife simply looked like she was sleeping.  

Four days later, after the autopsy, she still looked like herself, though very pale.

Another week later, after I brought her back from Italy, she didn't look that great.  Her entire body and face was bloated after the embalming process.  Her light skin tone turned brown/bronze.  In all honesty, I wouldn't even know she was my wife if I had to identify her out of several bodies.   

During the funeral, a part of me told me that she wasn't my wife.  I wasn't in denial.  But perhaps it was more of a spiritual nature.  I felt that even though that was her body, her shell, her vehicle in this planet, her soul, the most important part of her, had already left the body.   I felt that she was already in a better place.   I'm sure, though not convinced, that she was in spirit at her funeral.... I just didn't feel much connection with the actual body.

This has been a tough week.   Grief work is grueling.  It feels like I'm carrying a 50 lb backpack everywhere I go.  

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17 hours ago, KMB said:

I know we didn't do anything wrong. We were in love and being loved in return. Which is what this life is supposed to be about. It doesn't make sense, when we either know couples or see couples in public bickering/arguing or keep distance between them and rarely talk to each other.

Oh I don't even know how to do this.  What am I suppose to do with my pathetic life?   I'm so happy to see that you've made it through the 1-year mark.  It is such a huge accomplishment.  For myself, I'm at 3-months and 4-days.   Frankly, I didn't know how I got this far.  I was far more miserable in the earlier months.   Has it been easier?  Not really.  It's just different.    During the earlier days, being in shock and being in a fog was a killer.  The pain was intense.   Now, the pain is still here, but it's a low-grade pain that follows you everywhere you go.  It doesn't quite punch you in the face, but it's like a painful pinch that's following you everywhere you go.

I can't stand living like this forever.   If I can't have my wife back, then I rather just be with her.  I'm not sure if I can make it to a year.  And even if I did, what is the f**king point of this?  This is so painful ... no one should have to endure this type of pain and sadness.

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4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Oh I don't even know how to do this.  What am I suppose to do with my pathetic life?   I'm so happy to see that you've made it through the 1-year mark.  It is such a huge accomplishment.  For myself, I'm at 3-months and 4-days.   Frankly, I didn't know how I got this far.  I was far more miserable in the earlier months.   Has it been easier?  Not really.  It's just different.    During the earlier days, being in shock and being in a fog was a killer.  The pain was intense.   Now, the pain is still here, but it's a low-grade pain that follows you everywhere you go.  It doesn't quite punch you in the face, but it's like a painful pinch that's following you everywhere you go.

I can't stand living like this forever.   If I can't have my wife back, then I rather just be with her.  I'm not sure if I can make it to a year.  And even if I did, what is the f**king point of this?  This is so painful ... no one should have to endure this type of pain and sadness.

Whatever you people wrote I feel like I am reading my thoughts from someone else, like you read my mind. I can't describe more better than this.

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13 hours ago, Paluka said:

I kissed Lauri's forehead as well. This is so hard to experience. There really are no words to describe all of this pain and loneliness. 

I will keep going because it's what I'm supposed to do. What else can I do? Hurt, cry, try to eat and sleep, think about her. 

I was fortunate enough to be able to hug her, hold her, and kiss her on the lips before they wheeled her away.   

It will continue to be a senseless repeating daily process.   The daily repeat just will not include our loved one.

Our lives are empty, sad, and hollow.  Everything is a blur.  There is no hope.  Surviving the misery seems impossible.  Even if it was possible, then we ask ourselves, WHY?  Why go through this pain?   At the end of this, our loved ones are still now going to be here?

 

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am just so tired of being sad all the time, I wish my life over soon , whenever I feel pain in my chest I  pray it turns out to heart failure.

It's great for me to know that the only health concern I have is high-cholesterol.   

For now, I just eat what I like.  I don't care about being healthy.   If I get a sudden-heart attack, then it's great!  THUMBS UP!

At least I get to enjoy my food and leave this miserable world too.     That's the only thing I look forward to now.  

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6 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I was fortunate enough to be able to hug her, hold her, and kiss her on the lips before they wheeled her away.   

It will continue to be a senseless repeating daily process.   The daily repeat just will not include our loved one.

Our lives are empty, sad, and hollow.  Everything is a blur.  There is no hope.  Surviving the misery seems impossible.  Even if it was possible, then we ask ourselves, WHY?  Why go through this pain?   At the end of this, our loved ones are still now going to be here?

 

Yes why? What’s the point? It’s not like we’re going to earn them back.

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44 minutes ago, Azipod said:

This is so horrible.   Along with each passing being a devastated loss for someone, there is also always a  very powerful story behind how things unfolded.  All losses are unique, and traumatizing in it's own way.    How can life be beautiful, pleasurable, yet at times, be so cruel and hurtful?   

It’s silly I know but I’ve always been a fan of Anne Rice’s earlier books. The character Lestat has a philosophy that the world is just a Savage Garden. The bird that eats the butterfly doesn’t care how beautiful it is. That’s just how life is.

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4 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

It’s silly I know but I’ve always been a fan of Anne Rice’s earlier books. The character Lestat has a philosophy that the world is just a Savage Garden. The bird that eats the butterfly doesn’t care how beautiful it is. That’s just how life is.

Funny. This reminded me of a tv series I had been watching the night before my boyfiend died. There was a 50 something female lawyer who had lost the love her life while very young and has had a very lonely life afterwards. She never got married or had children. She was helping innocent people who had been wrongly accused. I told him about it in the morning saying I admired that tough woman character and it was lovely to see a mature woman playing the lead rather than a 20 something's love story. Now I wonder if god has decided to turn my life into this.... I wish I hadnt told him about it...

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I feel all of your pain.  I hear it in your words and in between each one as well.  I feel for you, I remember feeling the same things, thinking the same things, many of which I still do.  The only thing that has changed is I've learned to do life as it is.  And that didn't come easy.  Many of you didn't have children or grandkids, but even so, those of us with them realize they grow up and live their own lives, sometimes far away.  It's pretty hard to make our lives about them as we seldom see them, it's not enough to get us through the days/months in between.  We create our lives to be something we can do even while the person we are missing most is gone.  It's hard.  Life has it's pleasant times, but now it's carried with this ever lingering sadness/grief alongside it.  Joy is tempered with grief.  I know George is proud of me.  I know he understands.  I can't wait to see him again.

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15 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Funny. This reminded me of a tv series I had been watching the night before my boyfiend died. There was a 50 something female lawyer who had lost the love her life while very young and has had a very lonely life afterwards. She never got married or had children. She was helping innocent people who had been wrongly accused. I told him about it in the morning saying I admired that tough woman character and it was lovely to see a mature woman playing the lead rather than a 20 something's love story. Now I wonder if god has decided to turn my life into this.... I wish I hadnt told him about it...

You just reminded me about my office co-worker, she lost her husband 5 years back and she has 6 years daughter. Few days before that horrible day I was telling him that how strong that women is, she is raising her child alone, she lost her husband in such young age, i can't imagine how it feels like when she got home without husband.

Now i also think like you said I hadn't told him about this.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

 

I feel all of your pain.  I hear it in your words and in between each one as well.  I feel for you, I remember feeling the same things, thinking the same things, many of which I still do.  The only thing that has changed is I've learned to do life as it is.  And that didn't come easy.  Many of you didn't have children or grandkids, but even so, those of us with them realize they grow up and live their own lives, sometimes far away.  It's pretty hard to make our lives about them as we seldom see them, it's not enough to get us through the days/months in between.  We create our lives to be something we can do even while the person we are missing most is gone.  It's hard.  Life has it's pleasant times, but now it's carried with this ever lingering sadness/grief alongside it.  Joy is tempered with grief.  I know George is proud of me.  I know he understands.  I can't wait to see him again.

 

I still don't understand how you have been able to do this, Kay, for 12 years. The past few days I have been sunk again. When my husband passed, I was the only one left to pick up where he had left off with some things. It kept me going, all the unfinished business. Now, I wonder what is the point? When it is my turn to go, is it going to matter if the carpets are vacuumed, the toilet is clean, the yard is maintained, everything in its place?  When I go to Heaven, I don't think the house and the yard are going to matter to me. I find myself questioning so much about the meaning of it all. I know what is most important, is how the people in your life think of you. 2 of my kids live long distance. And the daughter living with me is busy working, seeing her friends and living her life. Their lives will always go on and I'm here alone without my husband. We always had each other and this loneliness for him hurts so much. I still have my pets and I wish they could talk in the english language so we could have conversations and relieve some of the loneliness. :(

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11 minutes ago, KMB said:

I still don't understand how you have been able to do this, Kay, for 12 years. The past few days I have been sunk again. When my husband passed, I was the only one left to pick up where he had left off with some things. It kept me going, all the unfinished business. Now, I wonder what is the point? When it is my turn to go, is it going to matter if the carpets are vacuumed, the toilet is clean, the yard is maintained, everything in its place?  When I go to Heaven, I don't think the house and the yard are going to matter to me. I find myself questioning so much about the meaning of it all. I know what is most important, is how the people in your life think of you. 2 of my kids live long distance. And the daughter living with me is busy working, seeing her friends and living her life. Their lives will always go on and I'm here alone without my husband. We always had each other and this loneliness for him hurts so much. I still have my pets and I wish they could talk in the english language so we could have conversations and relieve some of the loneliness. :(

We will get this kind of feeling almost every few days till we will start loving ourself again, will that happen not sure but that's what everyone says. Keep yourself with friends or other hobbies.

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2 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

We will get this kind of feeling almost every few days till we will start loving ourself again, will that happen not sure but that's what everyone says. Keep yourself with friends or other hobbies

I loved myself in my "before" life. I was happy with my husband and our life. I ate healthy, balanced meals, drank plenty of water, spent a lot of time outdoors with the fresh air and exercise. We had our separate hobbies, but always within feet of each other. Laughed, joked, bantered, had serious conversations about the state of the world. Tried to do it all right for my husband and I.

Now, there is zero motivation. The things I still do, I do on automatic, mostly things to make the day go by. I have no interest in healthy living. My husband cannot be here to share life with me. So, I have zero interest in wanting to be here for 20 or 30 years.  My life was totally entwined with my husband, my soul mate. The few friends I have left are in my age bracket or older. They are just plugging away with their days also. We all watch the news and see that this world is going downhill in the worst way, and when we visit, we agree that this place is getting to be a crappy, scary place to be.

Maybe, down the road, my perspective will change for the positive. I am no where near that. This grief road is the worst place to be and I do not accept it.

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I've just survived one of my hardest weekends ever...anxiety kicked in full bore.  Microsoft has taken over so I can't go on line at home, I sent my PC home with my son to install a different operating system.  They just keep updating, updating, updating, using all my data.  They act like everyone has unlimited data and high speed internet, which isn't available in my area.  Also, my son installed my new wood stove and it's vastly different to get used to.  I'm having to learn how to use it and it had me freaked out because if I do one thing wrong it can ruin the combustor, my anxiety kicked in so high I never went to sleep Friday night, Saturday night I slept maybe 3 hours.  My whole house was turned upside down from the installation and removal of my old one.  I finally got my house back in order and everything cleaned up last night.  Today my muscles literally hurt from working so hard!  Now I'm down at the church working today so thought I'd pop in and see how you all's weekend went.  

Thinking of all of you.

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Thinking of you too, KayC. I am sorry you had a crap weekend. I don't know how I would be coping without a computer right now, without my Ed. When he was here and I had computer issues, it was no big deal. I wasn't online that much back then. I hope your new wood stove works trouble free. I remember the issues I had with the furnace last winter and it is relatively new. I was overwhelmed with anxiety with dealing with it by myself.Being by ourselves now is the worst. 

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I hear ya, it's frightening.  My son lives 2 1/2 hours away in good weather.  I just lost my dog sitter so I can't go overnight, it's up and back in one day, which in winter is short.  I really cherished our time together last weekend even if it was busy.

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Someone please tell me how in the hell do I do this? I am so miserable. I was divorced for 15 years. I did everything pretty much on my own. Lauri showed me everything I was missing and more. She brought so much joy, comfort, safety and love into our life. I was so incredibly happy and content. Nothing really mattered outside of home. It was her and me. It was so wonderful. No, not wonderful. My heart was full of love and gratitude. 

 
Now I'm dominated by sadness, loneliness and feeling lost. All of this is so immense, nonstop, relentless. I try to cut up, try to crack jokes and stuff but I feel empty; like it's so superficial. Just a mask of my former self. 
 
There are very brief moments when I feel like "hey, you can do this. Feeling a little better today." However, these moments last for a few seconds and I crash again...overwhelmed, miserable, shattered. 
 
I have been crying off-and-on all morning. Any time I'm alone today I burst into tears. Point me in some direction. Yesterday was 4 weeks since I found her deceased and I don't how she died! 
 
I'm jealous of you who have dreams about your loved one. I don't seem to except for once. Maybe I don't remember since I wake up screaming or crying. I want to see her in my dreams. I need to see her in my dreams. 
 
I'm just so miserable without her. Please help me. Somehow, please. 

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Paluka, I need to step out of the office.  I will be back in a few hours and will write to you!  Hang in there!!!

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I'm jealous of you who have dreams about your loved one. I don't seem to except for once. Maybe I don't remember since I wake up screaming or crying. I want to see her in my dreams. I need to see her in my dreams. 

 
I'm just so miserable without her. Please help me. Somehow, please. 

I wish I could help you. I wish I could help me! I am sorry you're sharing the same misery that we all are here! 

Be careful what you wish for! I have had so many dreams of my boyfriend these last few days. And everynight, I have a dream in which he tries to convince me that he is not dead. He mocks me and asks why on earth I would think such a thing. And I wake up feeling worse than ever. 

Some of the dreams I have had did give me comfort on the other hand. I hope you do have those kind of dreams. Dreams that feel like visitations. 

 

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2 hours ago, Paluka said:

Someone please tell me how in the hell do I do this? I am so miserable. I was divorced for 15 years. I did everything pretty much on my own. Lauri showed me everything I was missing and more. She brought so much joy, comfort, safety and love into our life. I was so incredibly happy and content. Nothing really mattered outside of home. It was her and me. It was so wonderful. No, not wonderful. My heart was full of love and gratitude. 

 
Now I'm dominated by sadness, loneliness and feeling lost. All of this is so immense, nonstop, relentless. I try to cut up, try to crack jokes and stuff but I feel empty; like it's so superficial. Just a mask of my former self. 
 
There are very brief moments when I feel like "hey, you can do this. Feeling a little better today." However, these moments last for a few seconds and I crash again...overwhelmed, miserable, shattered. 
 
I have been crying off-and-on all morning. Any time I'm alone today I burst into tears. Point me in some direction. Yesterday was 4 weeks since I found her deceased and I don't how she died! 
 
I'm jealous of you who have dreams about your loved one. I don't seem to except for once. Maybe I don't remember since I wake up screaming or crying. I want to see her in my dreams. I need to see her in my dreams. 
 
I'm just so miserable without her. Please help me. Somehow, please. 

Paluka,

I am sorry that you are having a bad day.  And a bad day is all what it is.  By saying that, I don't mean to say that its not a big deal.  It is.  But just know that it's temporary (as far as the intensity).    I've mentioned this feeling in some of my prior posts... but going through grief is like being tossed in the middle of the ocean.  Some days, or at times, the sea may be calm. Sometimes choppy, and every now and then, you will get a big wave or you run into a storm.  Whatever the condition is, we're constantly working the grief, by swimming.  As soon as we stop swimming, we sink and drown.    It sounds like you're in a storm.   Know that the storm is temporary... and you will later ... fall back into a less intense condition in the sea.  You will not be "consumed forever."

Being sad, feeling miserable, crying, being overwelmed, etc., are all normal feelings.  At 4-weeks, you are still very early in your grief process.  I am too at 3-months and 12-days.   But today.... is actually an "OK day" for me.  And it's a relief.   And I happy?  No.  Life still sucks.  But at the moment, I feel like it's manageable.   That said, I know I will fall back into a storm again sometime down the road... maybe even tomorrow.  Who knows?  That's the who thing with grief.    Just expect the unexpected.

The important part of all of this is that you allow yourself to process the grief.   You need to face it head on and let it do it's ugly thing.   Don't fight it..  But just know that it's there.  Face it.  Respect it.  And let it manifest.   After the intensity calms, and you are grounded once again, then continue to move forward.    How you process your grief is going to be how you decide to do it.  May that be exercise, talk therapy, group support, exploring other interests, becoming more spiritual, meditation,  or all of those.  You need to find what moves you.

Thanks to KMB ... i recently sought and received my pre-birth reading.    The interesting thing about my situation is that I naturally became more spiritual and had a strong interest about learning about the afterlife.  This happened almost immediately after my wife left.   My pre-birth reading, surprisingly, said the same thing.   One of my growth areas is to become more spiritual.  It's interesting how it just fell in place.   And before all of this, I was one of those who poked fun and laughed at "woo woo" people who believed in anything more than just us being humans.   Big slap in the face for me!

I know it's tough.  You're just getting your feet wet.  Go out there in the world and find what moves you.  It's going to be tough.  But just do ANYTHING.   Check online, check the papers, see what tehre is going on in your community and go join it.     When we are grieving, there's nothing more to loose.  It really is the best time to go out and explore your new life.  This all that's left for us.

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