Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Paluka

This hurts so much - my ex in-laws

Recommended Posts

1 hour ago, KMB said:

Azipod, I'm sorry you are not doing so well either.  I don't even know why for myself today either. It just hit me out of the blue before I even got out of bed. I had been laying there awake for hours, wishing for sleep and escape and I couldn't manage that either.

I realised that it will just hit us in the face all over again regardless of how long it has been. 

I don't have the strength to do this. Last night in my dream, he was sitting on the bed rubbing my hair and looking at me full of tears on his face. I slept with my night lamp on. I could even see how the light made shadows on his face. He seemed worried about me. Then I woke up and everything in my bedroom was exactly the same as it had been in the dream. Except he wasnt sitting next to me... 

I wondered if he was really there but I couldnt see him because I woke up...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I realised that it will just hit us in the face all over again regardless of how long it has been. 

I don't have the strength to do this. Last night in my dream, he was sitting on the bed rubbing my hair and looking at me full of tears on his face. I slept with my night lamp on. I could even see how the light made shadows on his face. He seemed worried about me. Then I woke up and everything in my bedroom was exactly the same as it had been in the dream. Except he wasnt sitting next to me... 

I wondered if he was really there but I couldnt see him because I woke up...

**** something about that stabbed me right in the heart and got me crying. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

**** something about that stabbed me right in the heart and got me crying. 

How can I stay stay here knowing he somehow exists somewhere? How can anyone expect me to hang around in agony for many decades to come?

I dont believe I have lessons to learn etc. I just wanna hold his hands and see him smile. This is too f****ng hard :/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

How can I stay stay here knowing he somehow exists somewhere? How can anyone expect me to hang around in agony for many decades to come?

I dont believe I have lessons to learn etc. I just wanna hold his hands and see him smile. This is too f****ng hard :/

I feel your pain.  I just came from the bathroom at work crying.   I don't like this at all.   

How am I suppose to feel when I have to read an autopsy report for my own wife???

We so did not deserve this!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
39 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Last night in my dream, he was sitting on the bed rubbing my hair and looking at me full of tears on his face. I slept with my night lamp on. I could even see how the light made shadows on his face. He seemed worried about me. Then I woke up and everything in my bedroom was exactly the same as it had been in the dream. Except he wasnt sitting next to me... 

Was it comforting?  Maybe it was a visitation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Was it comforting?  Maybe it was a visitation.

I just kept staring at the empty space and talked to him until it was morning. I believed he was really there so its likely to be a visitation. I wish he could take me with him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
42 minutes ago, Azipod said:

 

I don't know how I am going to survive the holidays.

 

For the most part, I avoided the holidays last year and probably will do so again this year. I live in the country, so Halloween was easy. I did go to a friends family dinner for Thanksgiving. I debated back and forth before going. I decided it was in my best interest not to turn down any offers from true friends. I avoided Christmas. That was pure luck from having freezing rain that day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I just kept staring at the empty space and talked to him until it was morning. I believed he was really there so its likely to be a visitation. I wish he could take me with him.

The experience sounds profound and beautiful.  I'm sorry that you have to wake up to reality.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, KMB said:

For the most part, I avoided the holidays last year and probably will do so again this year. I live in the country, so Halloween was easy. I did go to a friends family dinner for Thanksgiving. I debated back and forth before going. I decided it was in my best interest not to turn down any offers from true friends. I avoided Christmas. That was pure luck from having freezing rain that day.

All the Spirit Halloween pop up stores are springing up around us. Every time I see one it’s a punch in the gut. I know it’s strange for Halloween to mean so much but the whole month of October was like a holiday to us. We were that house in the neighborhood where the front yard is like a movie and we dressed up to pass out candy. Always carved a half dozen pumpkins. We even got a fog machine for this year to put in a witches cauldron. Horror movie marathons every night. I hate being alone through all this. I can’t enjoy our favorite thing anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Geez. Yesterday was descent at work but I could feel things building up today. I prayed this morning and started crying. I cried some during the day too.

When I got in my car to come home I completely lost it. I mean sobbing and yelling. Begging for this not to be real like I did the night the coroner took her away. I hate this.

i hurt all the time and it never lets up. It will be three weeks tomorrow so I know it is early for me but this is too much. Who in the hell has their wife die 5 days after they're married!?!?! I was divorced for 15 years before I decided to get married again. Lauri was incredible. Why did this happen? Have I been cursed? Bad karma? 

Please help me. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Geez. Yesterday was descent at work but I could feel things building up today. I prayed this morning and started crying. I cried some during the day too.

When I got in my car to come home I completely lost it. I mean sobbing and yelling. Begging for this not to be real like I did the night the coroner took her away. I hate this.

i hurt all the time and it never lets up. It will be three weeks tomorrow so I know it is early for me but this is too much. Who in the hell has their wife die 5 days after they're married!?!?! I was divorced for 15 years before I decided to get married again. Lauri was incredible. Why did this happen? Have I been cursed? Bad karma? 

Please help me. 

 

 

I remember doing the same thing. Begging the emt to save her. Saying “this can’t be real” over and over and over again. Sitting next to her in a bag in the back of the ambulance before they took her thinking there’s no way this could really be happening. My ****ing wife can’t be dead and in that bag. THIS IS ****ING IMPOSSIBLE. I wish to God I could help you because then I may have some idea of how to help myself. I wish none of us were on this forum

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paluka,  I wish I could help you, but I can't even help myself. I had a real crapper of a day. I haven't had a day quite as bad as this for several months. I resorted to the meds I had to take back in the early months. I didn't want to, but the intensity of the pain and the black hole thoughts drove me to break down and make use of the meds. I'm feeling a little calmer and hope that tomorrow is not like today.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Geez. Yesterday was descent at work but I could feel things building up today. I prayed this morning and started crying. I cried some during the day too.

When I got in my car to come home I completely lost it. I mean sobbing and yelling. Begging for this not to be real like I did the night the coroner took her away. I hate this.

i hurt all the time and it never lets up. It will be three weeks tomorrow so I know it is early for me but this is too much. Who in the hell has their wife die 5 days after they're married!?!?! I was divorced for 15 years before I decided to get married again. Lauri was incredible. Why did this happen? Have I been cursed? Bad karma? 

Please help me. 

I am really sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry for all of us. It really does feel like we are all cursed doesnt it Djh? Why on earth would we be chosen otherwise? Why us, the ones truly in love and happy when there are so many couples cheating, lying, etc. Karma doesn't exist. If it did, I wouldn't be suffering like this...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Geez. Yesterday was descent at work but I could feel things building up today. I prayed this morning and started crying. I cried some during the day too.

When I got in my car to come home I completely lost it. I mean sobbing and yelling. Begging for this not to be real like I did the night the coroner took her away. I hate this.

i hurt all the time and it never lets up. It will be three weeks tomorrow so I know it is early for me but this is too much. Who in the hell has their wife die 5 days after they're married!?!?! I was divorced for 15 years before I decided to get married again. Lauri was incredible. Why did this happen? Have I been cursed? Bad karma? 

Please help me. 

 

 

Paluka. I'm sorry that its been difficult.   I know how it feels.   I was pretty much a wreck during the earlier days.   I still cry everyday in the car.   It just comes out without any triggers.  It's all normal.    Keep doing what you are doing.   Being able to return back to work, even though you feel like crap, is already a huge step.    Keep it going.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I remember doing the same thing. Begging the emt to save her. Saying “this can’t be real” over and over and over again. Sitting next to her in a bag in the back of the ambulance before they took her thinking there’s no way this could really be happening. My ****ing wife can’t be dead and in that bag. THIS IS ****ING IMPOSSIBLE. I wish to God I could help you because then I may have some idea of how to help myself. I wish none of us were on this forum

I felt the same.  When I was in the hospital and that had my wife underneath the sheets.  I'm like WTF.    Then they put her in a body bag.   WTF!    5-days later, I see her again and she's in a casket.  WTF!   I don't get it.  I really don't.  What in the world did we do to deserve this?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The emt made me leave the house and when they brought her out she was in the bag and they wouldn’t let me see her. The next time I saw her was in the back of the funeral home and they had already done their thing and it didn’t look like my baby anymore. They made me leave the house and I never saw her beautiful brown eyes again. Oh god

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I felt the same.  When I was in the hospital and that had my wife underneath the sheets.  I'm like WTF.    Then they put her in a body bag.   WTF!    5-days later, I see her again and she's in a casket.  WTF!   I don't get it.  I really don't.  What in the world did we do to deserve this?

I'm glad I wasn't there to see him put in a bag :/ Seeing him put in a casket at the funeral house.. that was A LOT more than I could handle. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

The emt made me leave the house and when they brought her out she was in the bag and they wouldn’t let me see her. The next time I saw her was in the back of the funeral home and they had already done their thing and it didn’t look like my baby anymore. They made me leave the house and I never saw her beautiful brown eyes again. Oh god

When I saw him, it was post autopsy too and he didnt look like him either. People told me not to look at him. But what choice did I have? I had to see him. I had to see it with my own eyes so my brain would understand. I still cant believe how this could happen. 

I still half expect an undo switch to appear out of thin air so I can put him back together and undo the last months.. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

What in the world did we do to deserve this?

I know we didn't do anything wrong. We were in love and being loved in return. Which is what this life is supposed to be about. It doesn't make sense, when we either know couples or see couples in public bickering/arguing or keep distance between them and rarely talk to each other.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, TooDevastated said:

When I saw him, it was post autopsy too and he didnt look like him either. People told me not to look at him. But what choice did I have? I had to see him. I had to see it with my own eyes so my brain would understand. I still cant believe how this could happen. 

I still half expect an undo switch to appear out of thin air so I can put him back together and undo the last months.. 

I ran my fingers through her hair and I cried and kissed her forehead and told her how much I loved her. She was so cold. I can’t stop thinking about it now. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I ran my fingers through her hair and I cried and kissed her forehead and told her how much I loved her. She was so cold. I can’t stop thinking about it now. 

He had bruises on several spots as a result of the several operations. His mouth had gone all purple and nose looked odd. He was so cold and tense. It didnt feel like him. I completely lost it seeing him like that. I remember crying outloud 'what happened to you honey?' and people held me and led me out. I couldnt give him a final kiss. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I kissed Lauri's forehead as well. This is so hard to experience. There really are no words to describe all of this pain and loneliness. 

I will keep going because it's what I'm supposed to do. What else can I do? Hurt, cry, try to eat and sleep, think about her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×