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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Paluka

This hurts so much - my ex in-laws

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

Don't worry.  My days are just like yours.  I'm here at work because I have to.   I have moments where I need "alone time" so that I can grieve.   I can't take much stress at work.  If there is a slightest bit of pressure I need to take time out and compose myself.

But yes, there is nothing to look forward to.  After work tonight, I'm going to my Tuesday evening grief counseling.  Whoopie!  Not.   This is a very sad life.    I'm hoping that I get a heart failure soon.  I'm healthy except for high-cholesterol.  I stopped eating  a high-fiber breakfast like I use to.   I'm starting to eat more yummy and fatty foods.     THUMBS UP if I get a clogged artery and die.  I don't care!

My story is also same, when I need to cry I just ran towards washroom and spend at least 15-20 mins, no matter if other people waiting, there are other rooms as well. As I said in previous threads, I am afraid I am going to be a bitter woman. I also prayed  for heart failure so that my family don't get any chance to save me, also I started to eat rubbish things in office, oily foods , big NO NO for heathy foods. 

Although my mom is very clever and she make sure that I eat healthy foods in home and fruits as well. 

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Well, my first day back at work was accomplished. I cried on my way there, plenty while I was there and after I got home. I did close my office door.

I do have to give my coworkers credit. They were very aware and very supportive. I had no insensitive comments. Even in the best of circumstances this was still extremely difficult. I'll go again tomorrow and hope it gets a little better every day. I think that's the best I can hope to do. 

Thank you for your comments and support. You all helped me push through this tough day. 

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18 hours ago, Paluka said:

I am going back to work today. Honestly, I am nervous. I believe I'm nervous because it means somewhat of a return to my routine (which I need). However, it feels like this signifies that I'm somehow "okay" when I'm no where near ok. This pain is unbearable and overwhelming. 

No matter how hard I try I still feel guilty for Lauri's death. Intellectually I know I did the best I could at the time but emotionally I feel like I failed her. She sent me this text August 27, 2017. I hold on to it to try to feel her love. 

"It is so unreal the way I love you. It fills me up inside like I would have never imagined I did not know feelings like this were possible. When I would think about how I wanted my life with you to be;  my expectations of our relationship were pretty high. Based on previous experiences with other relationships on what would and would not be acceptable in my life; what I would or would not settle for; you know.....stuff like that. 
The here and now substance of our relationship and the reality of our life has so far surpassed my requirements for peace, joy, safety, security and love. What I have and feel for you really can't be spoken and the lengths I will go to keep what I have are a little scary. There is no doubt  that this is the best my life has ever been. I will keep and hold you for the rest of my life."

She kept her promise. She just died way too soon. 

Paluka,

I don't think it means you're okay, it means you need the money so you have to keep working.  It's necessary, that's all.

I hope you did alright at work.  I returned to work within two weeks, even coming in after five days to do payroll.  The good part is it took up some time, the hard part was it was difficult to focus and do my job.  I broke down in tears with no warning.  I was lucky that everyone at work was understanding and supportive, I'm glad that is the case for you.

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13 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I cry in my office once every few hours. And cry some more hiding in the bathroom during lunch break. No more lovely lunches with him. My life is really terrible. I will visit his mother in 2 weeks and scatter his ashes together. After that I have nothing to look forward to. No damn thing to do for me in this world. Then I can start making serious plans. While at work today, I wondered if it would be suicide if I went upstairs to one of the labs and injected myself with a cancer tissue sample. I really will find a way out of this. I cant stay in this world for a long time. 

Not a good way to go.

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On 9/25/2017 at 11:03 AM, Djh0901kc said:

They added these terrible ads to the site. Maybe they could add a like feature as well. I find myself wishing for a way to like or fav things like on FB or IG. Does anyone know the mods that could possibly make this happen?

I wrote in that some of the ads are offensive when you've lost your spouse.  No response.  There is a suggestion section although I don't know if they'd respond.  They don't seem to when we report a double post and ask them to remove one.

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13 hours ago, Paluka said:

I'll go again tomorrow and hope it gets a little better every day. I think that's the best I can hope to do. 

Hope. I big word we have to hang onto. Get up each day and do it all over again. You made it through the first day back at work, Paluka. You will make it through all of them. It is hard, I know. All we can do is take each day one at a time. All we can do is try.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 09/23/17. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life.

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20 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I am inclined to enjoy healthy food and drinks. I just stopped eating anything healthy. I don't even cook anymore. I force myself to have a few bites of unhealthy stuff and that's all that I eat everyday. A few bites. I don't feel that its right for me to enjoy food and drinks when he can't any longer. 

Yeah.  I frankly don't care anymore.  I eat what I feel like eating.   There's no sense to be health conscious.   My wife always pushed for a balanced meal.  She had fruits, vegetables, and made sure she didn't skip breakfast.   They still took her life.   Who cares at this point.   We're all going to die at some point...... for me... the sooner the better.

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The autopsy report for my wife was made available to me this morning.

It makes me sick to think about what they had to do to determine to cause of death.   I don't have a problem with them choosing to conduct an autopsy.  I just don't like to read about them cutting up my wife.    

This whole grief journey is way too much for me to handle.   I just want to scream.

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33 minutes ago, Azipod said:

The autopsy report for my wife was made available to me this morning.

It makes me sick to think about what they had to do to determine to cause of death.   I don't have a problem with them choosing to conduct an autopsy.  I just don't like to read about them cutting up my wife.    

This whole grief journey is way too much for me to handle.   I just want to scream.

I hate thinking about that too. She couldn’t even wear the dress I wanted for her at the funeral because of how they cut her. It makes me sick. I having a bad one today. Can’t stop crying. Just want her back so bad. I shouldn’t be here without her.

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We all have and will go thru this grief process which will get tricky in between by having bad days. I didn't get autopsy report for 3 months. I am in legal battle with system here. Some days I eat junk but most of the time try to eat healthy but do make stupid mistakes like drinking and smoking. We all know we are doing wrong but we want to torture or punish us more.  The journey is such we don't wanted to be on but don't have option.

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It makes me sick knowing that they had to butcher our loved ones.  I don't think I ever need to read this stupid report again.

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34 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I having a bad one today. Can’t stop crying. Just want her back so bad. I shouldn’t be here without her.

I am having a really bad day today also. I just sent a reply to Azipod on another thread. He isn't doing well either. This whole deal is just grossly unfair. We didn't choose for our loved ones to leave. They didn't want to leave. Why weren't we allowed to make the choice to go with them?

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1 minute ago, KMB said:

I am having a really bad day today also. I just sent a reply to Azipod on another thread. He isn't doing well either. This whole deal is just grossly unfair. We didn't choose for our loved ones to leave. They didn't want to leave. Why weren't we allowed to make the choice to go with them?

I hate when people say Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel like this. My reply is always No but she wouldn’t want to be dead either. It isn’t fair at all. And now we’re stuck here doomed to be unhappy. I hate this

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It’s weird to listen to a person who isn’t like us. She grieved and got over it. She talks about how when she stretches out across the whole bed she thinks about how she doesn’t miss him. It’s kind of ****ed up

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7 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I hate when people say Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel like this. My reply is always No but she wouldn’t want to be dead either. It isn’t fair at all. And now we’re stuck here doomed to be unhappy. I hate this

I so agree with you on this.   "He/she doesn't want you to be sad.... blah blah blah...."   Yup, perhaps he/she didn't want to be dead either.  

That's a perfect come-back!

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13 minutes ago, KMB said:

I am having a really bad day today also. I just sent a reply to Azipod on another thread. He isn't doing well either. This whole deal is just grossly unfair. We didn't choose for our loved ones to leave. They didn't want to leave. Why weren't we allowed to make the choice to go with them?

I've been pretty miserable these last few days.   I checked my email on my phone in bed this morning -- it was the first thing I did after I opened my eyes.   I saw that they emailed me a copy of the Autopsy report.  It really didn't help me to read about how they butchered my wife to figure out how she left this world.   It's making me sick to the gut.

Marriage is beautiful.  But so is leaving this world together.  I wish I could do the latter.  

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6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

It’s weird to listen to a person who isn’t like us. She grieved and got over it. She talks about how when she stretches out across the whole bed she thinks about how she doesn’t miss him. It’s kind of ****ed up

I didn't listen to the podcast.  But our grief is a reflection of how much love we have for our partner...... that might be the reason why it affects some so greatly while it barely shake up others.

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That is a good come back, Djh.  Others don't get it. Maybe they will if it happens to them. I don't know. I didn't listen to your podcast link. I couldn't listen to a person who claims to be over it and not missing the person who died. That tells me there was no depth of love there.

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Azipod, I'm sorry you are not doing so well either.  I don't even know why for myself today either. It just hit me out of the blue before I even got out of bed. I had been laying there awake for hours, wishing for sleep and escape and I couldn't manage that either.

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8 minutes ago, KMB said:

That is a good come back, Djh.  Others don't get it. Maybe they will if it happens to them. I don't know. I didn't listen to your podcast link. I couldn't listen to a person who claims to be over it and not missing the person who died. That tells me there was no depth of love there.

It has been four years for her and she did say she misses him but the way she was able to make jokes about it just seemed off to me. I didn’t think that’s how it would be when I started listening.

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No way I could make jokes about missing my husband. I am going into year 2. I cannot imagine feeling better after 4 years. There is no magic pill for this kind of pain.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

It makes me sick knowing that they had to butcher our loved ones.  I don't think I ever need to read this stupid report again.

It made me feel sick to know what parts of him they took and how they cut his heart open to check the arteries etc. But overall, I know he would love the idea of being able to help others. Who knows maybe little kids... 

I wish there was a way to get them back. This is just so terrible. I have been having the worst days of my life. Its going to be 3 months since he died tomorrow. And I feel like I should be dead with him. What lesson is there to learn from such a great loss? I dont believe he died because he learned something magical overnight or that his death is teaching anyone anything.

My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I dont see what the point of hanging around is. All I want is to be with him. I found a picture of us from our holiday watching a street fair. Cluless that he'd be dead in 3 days. Cluless and happy and in love and smiling. I would do anything to get him back. Anything for a second chance. 

 

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I hate when people say Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel like this. My reply is always No but she wouldn’t want to be dead either. It isn’t fair at all. And now we’re stuck here doomed to be unhappy. I hate this

Well.. I am pretty sure Bruce would have killed himself after my funeral if it had been me who died... So.. Whereever he is, he doesnt get to be disappointed in me when I decide to go down that route. 

He wouldnt want to be dead. He wasnt expecting to be dead. He knew he would be leaving me behind to be crushed and miserable. So yeah.. People dont get to say s**t about him not wanting me to be sad. Then he better bloody come back and I'll stop being a wreck. 

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