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This hurts so much - my ex in-laws


Paluka

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My beloved, Lauri and I were married September 9, 2017. We actually had our first date in October of 2013 but I was too afraid to commit. 

In January 2017 we reconnected. It was fantastic. I was able to see her as the wonderful person she had been all along. 

We dated and decided it was time to get married. Lauri was only 45 years old. I am 50 years old. 

Lauri was a shining light in my life and many lives. She cared for and looked out for others. She was a rock for me when I needed her as I was for her. I teased her about being a "mom" to so many people but I loved her for it. It is a part of her legacy. 

When we talked about getting married there was never any hesitation. We knew we belonged together. We were so happy to be together and to be married. We'd celebrate the time we had together everyday. Our relationship and marriage was exactly what We had always wanted and we didn't take one another for granted. We both had our struggles in our lives (who hasn't?) but these struggles seemed to disappear. The ease and comfort of being together flowed naturally. We did everything together. 
 
I remember going to bed when we were both exhausted yet somehow we'd always start talking and laughing about silly things (stupid jokes, talking about the kids or our families). All the while we'd be snuggled up with one another as only we could. This was our favorite part of the day. 
 
We'd sit side-by-side on the sofa in the mornings having coffee together. She'd tell me random stories, we'd talk about things we were planning or discuss what we'd like to do. Our last morning together we were talking about how we were going to paint the inside of the house and fix a few things here and there. She'd always thank me for tolerating her "constant blabbering" but I loved listening to her, watching her face light up when she'd talk. I wouldn't have had it any other way. She was a truly incredible woman and my best friend. 
 
On September 14, 2017 I kissed her, told her I loved her and went to work. When I came home for lunch she wasn't feeling well at all. I wanted to take her to the doctor but she said she needed to rest. I put her to bed and stayed a few minutes. When I got home from work that afternoon she was not responsive. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived and took over. We could not save her. 
 
Her initial autopsy showed no cause of death. Now we are waiting on the toxicology report to see what it may show. 
 
I am so confused. I have not the first idea of how to handle this. Grief, anger and immense sadness come in waves. Sometimes I think I will be swept away and lose myself in it all. Other times I talk to her. I tell her how much I miss her and love her. Nothing makes sense. 
 
Someone told me "Lauri did not leave you behind. She's just a little further ahead of you on the same journey." I pray this is the case because we will have a lot of catching up to do. She's probably thrilled that I'm chasing her. 
 
Please help me. Last night and today were the worst days so far. I cried almost nonstop. I feel like I failed her. 
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Paluka,

I am so sorry that you have lost your wife. We here understand how the loss of a soulmate feels. I wish there were words to say to make you feel any better but there just isnt. It's silly to think you failed her. You were the companion to spend her last year on earth with her so she spent the rest of her life with you. There was nothing you could have done diffferently to change the outcome as you say there werent even any signs previously. Dont beat yourself up. Grief is hard enough without guilt and I have been blaming myself so I'd know!

I'm at 2.5 months into losing my boyfriend of almost 5 years and I still cry everyday and sad as ever. Unfortunately, we wont feel better anytime soon. Your loss is so new so you're probably still shock without even realising it. I am too depressed at the moment to give any constructive advice and I am sorry for that. Feel free to cry, scream, and rant all you want. We are here and we understand. There are those of us here that are longer into grief and I recommend you find their posts on the forum and read them. Hugs X

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You were only married 5 days before she passed? My God. It must seem like the cruelest joke ever. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Like TD said, here you will find people that understand how you feel. Keep coming here and keep posting.

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Paluka,

I am so so sorry.  George and I didn't meet until our 40s and I understand the feeling gypped just as you got your lives put together and were so happy.  He died just after his 51st birthday.  It's very much a shock!

YuYu lost his wife, six days after they married.  It's hard to conceive, yet I'm glad you got to get married, because my bet is that is something she dreamed of with you.

I hope you'll continue coming here and reading and posting, it really does help to have this safe place to come to where others get it.  It helps to know you're not alone in your experience, even though everyone's journey is unique, we get it.

I hope you get some answers as to why/how she died.  It can feel surreal, like this can't be happening, I'll wake up and find this was a nightmare.  Only we never wake up from it.

We do learn to adjust eventually, but this is not a quick journey, it's a process that continues.  I didn't think it possible to live without him for even a week, but 12 years later, I'm still here.  One day at a time.

 

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Thank you KayC. I am glad that we were able to get married. It was something we both wanted. 

It is very surreal. She was healthy and we had worked out together the day before. 

I will continue to read and post. 

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I had a dream last night. I saw Lauri and she smiled at me. I went to a memorial service to celebrate her life with friends that could not attend her wake or funeral. I promised myself I would go. I cried a lot but laughed too. 

After this, I quieted myself and just talked to Lauri. I asked her to help me. I asked for her forgiveness if needed. I just told her about how I feel and to please watch over me and family. 

The Main Point: This young man who worked for Lauri just contacted me to see how I was doing. I was honest with him. He said a lot of things that really helped me. His perspective on this was important. I can't help but think that Lauri nudged him to contact me. Out of all my friends and family a young guy (20) who I've met maybe 3 times reaches out to me and helps me. Thank you, God and Thank you, Lauri. 

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Paluka, Your and Lauri's story is both a love story and very heart breaking. I am deeply sorry. i can tell by your words how much pain you feel. It is unfair and incomprehensible why life operates the way it does with tragedies.What should have been a beautiful newlywed time was taken away. I hope for your sake, a cause of death is found, so you are not left with that burden of wondering on top of your grieving.

You mention having a dream of Lauri. Take comfort from that. It very well could have been her way of letting you know that she is OK. keep talking to her. I do believe our loved ones can see and hear us.

I'm glad that young man reached out and talked to you. He must have been raised by a compassionate family or has experienced loss already in his young life. We need understanding and support from others so much.

Sending prayers for comfort and peace to you-------

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Paluka,

The dream you had could have been her letting you know she's okay.  And the young man, I'm glad he was able to help you.  God works in mysterious ways.  Wishing you some peace and rest...

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Paluka

I am so sorry for your loss;  it is so apparent the love you and your Lauri had for one another and the short time you shared, its evident you loved a lifetime.  I had that kind of love with my Charles.   I was truly bless to have had 45 years with the man of my dreams.  I know exactly what you are experiencing. Sometimes I get so sad, so sad that I completely shut down.  I might find myself staring blankly at the walls, frozen in time, living in a fog, moving in slow motion, unable to think, and at that moment, it doesn't matter what people say to me because in that moment, I don't exist.   The moment my Charles was taken from this earth was one of those moments.  My heart was split in two; one side was filled with loving memories; the other side died with him.  Many nights I can't seem to sleep and I find myself laying awake at night (when the world is sleeping) and taking a stroll down memory lane with tears rolling down my cheeks.  Remembering my Charles is easy; I do it everyday; but missing him is a heartache that never seems to go away. 

On 9/22/2017 at 3:50 PM, Paluka said:

. Grief, anger and immense sadness come in waves. Sometimes I think I will be swept away and lose myself in it all. Other times I talk to her. I tell her how much I miss her and love her. Nothing makes sense. 

You're so right.  The harsh reality of grief is that once the funeral is over, people move on with their lives, leaving you all alone to walk this lonely and painful journey.  Little does anyone care that for a griever, everyday is a new battle to start being strong all over again.  Sure, life goes on, but I miss him every hour and the worst part is, it caught me completely by surprise.  I'd catch myself walking around the house or calling out his name to find him, not for any particular reason, just out of habit.  Perhaps I'd seen something or TV or heard something on the radio, I wanted to tell him about or because I wanted to hear his voice or just be in his presence.    And then I realize, he is not there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me all over again.  I never prepared myself to live the rest of my life without my Charles and while my mind knows he is in a better place where there is no pain, hurt or sufferings; I just wish I could explain that to my heart.  I know his spirit is at peace.  Our egos tell us that once everything falls into place, we will  find peace, our spirit tells us to find peace and everything will fall into place. 

My faith tells me that someday I'll be with Charles again only this time, we will never have to worry about parting again. I'm looking forward to that day.  In the meantime, God will fill my spirit with peace; you see, HE sends no one away empty except those who are full of themselves.

Continue to post.  My prayer is for God to give you Peace, Hope and Strength.  Peace to ease your spirit; Hope that it will get better; and Strength to hold on until it does.

 

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Paluka, I am so saddened by your post.  I cannot believe how life could be so brutal to all of us. This is a long journey that will put you on the edge.  It will be both physically and emotionally draining.  If you have not, please start to piece together a support system, whether that may be friends, family, neighbors, or a local grief support group.  The fact that you are joining us and sought help here is great. Feel free to keep posting here.  We are all on a nightmare day in and day out.  We will be here to support you.

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Again I find myself wishing for a "like" button!  Francine and Azipod, your words are perfect, I hope they are of help and comfort to Paluka.

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5 minutes ago, KayC said:

Again I find myself wishing for a "like" button!  Francine and Azipod, your words are perfect, I hope they are of help and comfort to Paluka.

They added these terrible ads to the site. Maybe they could add a like feature as well. I find myself wishing for a way to like or fav things like on FB or IG. Does anyone know the mods that could possibly make this happen?

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I should say that I do understand the point of the ads. I just hate seeing suggestions for a dress Kayla would have loved when I log on here because I’m missing her so badly

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9 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I should say that I do understand the point of the ads. I just hate seeing suggestions for a dress Kayla would have loved when I log on here because I’m missing her so badly

And if this horrible thing not happened in my life, I would love to check all these Ads dresses and shop, will show to my husband for his comments. Now I just close them.

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I am going back to work today. Honestly, I am nervous. I believe I'm nervous because it means somewhat of a return to my routine (which I need). However, it feels like this signifies that I'm somehow "okay" when I'm no where near ok. This pain is unbearable and overwhelming. 

No matter how hard I try I still feel guilty for Lauri's death. Intellectually I know I did the best I could at the time but emotionally I feel like I failed her. She sent me this text August 27, 2017. I hold on to it to try to feel her love. 

"It is so unreal the way I love you. It fills me up inside like I would have never imagined I did not know feelings like this were possible. When I would think about how I wanted my life with you to be;  my expectations of our relationship were pretty high. Based on previous experiences with other relationships on what would and would not be acceptable in my life; what I would or would not settle for; you know.....stuff like that. 
The here and now substance of our relationship and the reality of our life has so far surpassed my requirements for peace, joy, safety, security and love. What I have and feel for you really can't be spoken and the lengths I will go to keep what I have are a little scary. There is no doubt  that this is the best my life has ever been. I will keep and hold you for the rest of my life."

She kept her promise. She just died way too soon. 

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Paluka,  I wish you well on going back to work. i can imagine the conflict of feelings. The need for the income and a return to the familiarity of routine. It will appear on the outside to others that you are "OK", but they have no idea how you feel on the inside. It is on the inside that we carry all the pain and sadness.

That is a beautiful text from Lauri. Words you can cherish forever. She had the knowledge of how blessed and loved she was by you. She wasn't afraid of expressing her feelings and sharing her heart.

I think we all feel guilty in some respects for our partners leaving us. We are humans operating on emotions. Logically, we know we didn't do anything wrong and we did all we could at that time. It takes the heart longer to catch on to that.:wub:

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I am going back to work today. Honestly, I am nervous. I believe I'm nervous because it means somewhat of a return to my routine (which I need). However, it feels like this signifies that I'm somehow "okay" when I'm no where near ok. This pain is unbearable and overwhelming. 

Paluka, that was a beautiful text from your wife.    Good luck on your 1st day back to work.  Remember that it's OK to feel down.  You should take frequent breaks if you can.   Try to find a place where you can "separate" yourself from everyone else at moments in need.    When I initially returned back to work, I made sure I had an escape.  My escape was my own office.   When I need to cry, I just close my doors for a few minutes, cry, re-open the door, and then continue to work.    Just don't hold it in.     If you need to go to the toilet stall to cry, then go ahead.  You will have those moments and it is entirely OK.     Even things as simple as walking around the block outdoors can be refreshing.   You'll still feel really down, but it's something to change up the environment as oppose to just sitting at your work station.       Know that going back to work is a huge step.   Just take it 1/2 a work day at a time.  Good luck.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Paluka, that was a beautiful text from your wife.    Good luck on your 1st day back to work.  Remember that it's OK to feel down.  You should take frequent breaks if you can.   Try to find a place where you can "separate" yourself from everyone else at moments in need.    When I initially returned back to work, I made sure I had an escape.  My escape was my own office.   When I need to cry, I just close my doors for a few minutes, cry, re-open the door, and then continue to work.    Just don't hold it in.     If you need to go to the toilet stall to cry, then go ahead.  You will have those moments and it is entirely OK.     Even things as simple as walking around the block outdoors can be refreshing.   You'll still feel really down, but it's something to change up the environment as oppose to just sitting at your work station.       Know that going back to work is a huge step.   Just take it 1/2 a work day at a time.  Good luck.

I cry in my office once every few hours. And cry some more hiding in the bathroom during lunch break. No more lovely lunches with him. My life is really terrible. I will visit his mother in 2 weeks and scatter his ashes together. After that I have nothing to look forward to. No damn thing to do for me in this world. Then I can start making serious plans. While at work today, I wondered if it would be suicide if I went upstairs to one of the labs and injected myself with a cancer tissue sample. I really will find a way out of this. I cant stay in this world for a long time. 

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TooDevastated

It wasnt right for me to be too dark in that earlier post. I am sorry guys. Paluka, I hope your first day at work is going well. I hope your coworkers are nice and understanding toward you. I love the text your wife has sent you. I hope that you can cope better than I do! X

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9 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I cry in my office once every few hours. And cry some more hiding in the bathroom during lunch break. No more lovely lunches with him. My life is really terrible. I will visit his mother in 2 weeks and scatter his ashes together. After that I have nothing to look forward to. No damn thing to do for me in this world. Then I can start making serious plans. While at work today, I wondered if it would be suicide if I went upstairs to one of the labs and injected myself with a cancer tissue sample. I really will find a way out of this. I cant stay in this world for a long time. 

Don't worry.  My days are just like yours.  I'm here at work because I have to.   I have moments where I need "alone time" so that I can grieve.   I can't take much stress at work.  If there is a slightest bit of pressure I need to take time out and compose myself.

But yes, there is nothing to look forward to.  After work tonight, I'm going to my Tuesday evening grief counseling.  Whoopie!  Not.   This is a very sad life.    I'm hoping that I get a heart failure soon.  I'm healthy except for high-cholesterol.  I stopped eating  a high-fiber breakfast like I use to.   I'm starting to eat more yummy and fatty foods.     THUMBS UP if I get a clogged artery and die.  I don't care!

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22 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Don't worry.  My days are just like yours.  I'm here at work because I have to.   I have moments where I need "alone time" so that I can grieve.   I can't take much stress at work.  If there is a slightest bit of pressure I need to take time out and compose myself.

But yes, there is nothing to look forward to.  After work tonight, I'm going to my Tuesday evening grief counseling.  Whoopie!  Not.   This is a very sad life.    I'm hoping that I get a heart failure soon.  I'm healthy except for high-cholesterol.  I stopped eating  a high-fiber breakfast like I use to.   I'm starting to eat more yummy and fatty foods.     THUMBS UP if I get a clogged artery and die.  I don't care!

I am inclined to enjoy healthy food and drinks. I just stopped eating anything healthy. I don't even cook anymore. I force myself to have a few bites of unhealthy stuff and that's all that I eat everyday. A few bites. I don't feel that its right for me to enjoy food and drinks when he can't any longer. 

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Paluka,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is deeply broken while reading your post. Your love story is quite similar from ours. I went back to work 10 days after my husband passed away. I just thought I needed to be out and be busy I work as a nanny and been with the family for 7 yrs now we all treat each other a family.  My employer was very supportive and understanding. When the kids are in school I spend most of my time at the park reading a book or talking to my husband ,and taking a walk. But a lot of times they still see me cry and the kids I'm looking after will just hug me and make me lots of cards , they said to make me happy again.

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56 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

It wasnt right for me to be too dark in that earlier post. I am sorry guys. Paluka, I hope your first day at work is going well. I hope your coworkers are nice and understanding toward you. I love the text your wife has sent you. I hope that you can cope better than I do! X

You don’t have to apologize. Life is dark and pointless. We all know it

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

Don't worry.  My days are just like yours.  I'm here at work because I have to.   I have moments where I need "alone time" so that I can grieve.   I can't take much stress at work.  If there is a slightest bit of pressure I need to take time out and compose myself.

But yes, there is nothing to look forward to.  After work tonight, I'm going to my Tuesday evening grief counseling.  Whoopie!  Not.   This is a very sad life.    I'm hoping that I get a heart failure soon.  I'm healthy except for high-cholesterol.  I stopped eating  a high-fiber breakfast like I use to.   I'm starting to eat more yummy and fatty foods.     THUMBS UP if I get a clogged artery and die.  I don't care!

My story is also same, when I need to cry I just ran towards washroom and spend at least 15-20 mins, no matter if other people waiting, there are other rooms as well. As I said in previous threads, I am afraid I am going to be a bitter woman. I also prayed  for heart failure so that my family don't get any chance to save me, also I started to eat rubbish things in office, oily foods , big NO NO for heathy foods. 

Although my mom is very clever and she make sure that I eat healthy foods in home and fruits as well. 

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Well, my first day back at work was accomplished. I cried on my way there, plenty while I was there and after I got home. I did close my office door.

I do have to give my coworkers credit. They were very aware and very supportive. I had no insensitive comments. Even in the best of circumstances this was still extremely difficult. I'll go again tomorrow and hope it gets a little better every day. I think that's the best I can hope to do. 

Thank you for your comments and support. You all helped me push through this tough day. 

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18 hours ago, Paluka said:

I am going back to work today. Honestly, I am nervous. I believe I'm nervous because it means somewhat of a return to my routine (which I need). However, it feels like this signifies that I'm somehow "okay" when I'm no where near ok. This pain is unbearable and overwhelming. 

No matter how hard I try I still feel guilty for Lauri's death. Intellectually I know I did the best I could at the time but emotionally I feel like I failed her. She sent me this text August 27, 2017. I hold on to it to try to feel her love. 

"It is so unreal the way I love you. It fills me up inside like I would have never imagined I did not know feelings like this were possible. When I would think about how I wanted my life with you to be;  my expectations of our relationship were pretty high. Based on previous experiences with other relationships on what would and would not be acceptable in my life; what I would or would not settle for; you know.....stuff like that. 
The here and now substance of our relationship and the reality of our life has so far surpassed my requirements for peace, joy, safety, security and love. What I have and feel for you really can't be spoken and the lengths I will go to keep what I have are a little scary. There is no doubt  that this is the best my life has ever been. I will keep and hold you for the rest of my life."

She kept her promise. She just died way too soon. 

Paluka,

I don't think it means you're okay, it means you need the money so you have to keep working.  It's necessary, that's all.

I hope you did alright at work.  I returned to work within two weeks, even coming in after five days to do payroll.  The good part is it took up some time, the hard part was it was difficult to focus and do my job.  I broke down in tears with no warning.  I was lucky that everyone at work was understanding and supportive, I'm glad that is the case for you.

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13 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I cry in my office once every few hours. And cry some more hiding in the bathroom during lunch break. No more lovely lunches with him. My life is really terrible. I will visit his mother in 2 weeks and scatter his ashes together. After that I have nothing to look forward to. No damn thing to do for me in this world. Then I can start making serious plans. While at work today, I wondered if it would be suicide if I went upstairs to one of the labs and injected myself with a cancer tissue sample. I really will find a way out of this. I cant stay in this world for a long time. 

Not a good way to go.

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On 9/25/2017 at 11:03 AM, Djh0901kc said:

They added these terrible ads to the site. Maybe they could add a like feature as well. I find myself wishing for a way to like or fav things like on FB or IG. Does anyone know the mods that could possibly make this happen?

I wrote in that some of the ads are offensive when you've lost your spouse.  No response.  There is a suggestion section although I don't know if they'd respond.  They don't seem to when we report a double post and ask them to remove one.

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13 hours ago, Paluka said:

I'll go again tomorrow and hope it gets a little better every day. I think that's the best I can hope to do. 

Hope. I big word we have to hang onto. Get up each day and do it all over again. You made it through the first day back at work, Paluka. You will make it through all of them. It is hard, I know. All we can do is take each day one at a time. All we can do is try.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 09/23/17. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life.

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20 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I am inclined to enjoy healthy food and drinks. I just stopped eating anything healthy. I don't even cook anymore. I force myself to have a few bites of unhealthy stuff and that's all that I eat everyday. A few bites. I don't feel that its right for me to enjoy food and drinks when he can't any longer. 

Yeah.  I frankly don't care anymore.  I eat what I feel like eating.   There's no sense to be health conscious.   My wife always pushed for a balanced meal.  She had fruits, vegetables, and made sure she didn't skip breakfast.   They still took her life.   Who cares at this point.   We're all going to die at some point...... for me... the sooner the better.

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The autopsy report for my wife was made available to me this morning.

It makes me sick to think about what they had to do to determine to cause of death.   I don't have a problem with them choosing to conduct an autopsy.  I just don't like to read about them cutting up my wife.    

This whole grief journey is way too much for me to handle.   I just want to scream.

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33 minutes ago, Azipod said:

The autopsy report for my wife was made available to me this morning.

It makes me sick to think about what they had to do to determine to cause of death.   I don't have a problem with them choosing to conduct an autopsy.  I just don't like to read about them cutting up my wife.    

This whole grief journey is way too much for me to handle.   I just want to scream.

I hate thinking about that too. She couldn’t even wear the dress I wanted for her at the funeral because of how they cut her. It makes me sick. I having a bad one today. Can’t stop crying. Just want her back so bad. I shouldn’t be here without her.

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We all have and will go thru this grief process which will get tricky in between by having bad days. I didn't get autopsy report for 3 months. I am in legal battle with system here. Some days I eat junk but most of the time try to eat healthy but do make stupid mistakes like drinking and smoking. We all know we are doing wrong but we want to torture or punish us more.  The journey is such we don't wanted to be on but don't have option.

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It makes me sick knowing that they had to butcher our loved ones.  I don't think I ever need to read this stupid report again.

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34 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I having a bad one today. Can’t stop crying. Just want her back so bad. I shouldn’t be here without her.

I am having a really bad day today also. I just sent a reply to Azipod on another thread. He isn't doing well either. This whole deal is just grossly unfair. We didn't choose for our loved ones to leave. They didn't want to leave. Why weren't we allowed to make the choice to go with them?

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1 minute ago, KMB said:

I am having a really bad day today also. I just sent a reply to Azipod on another thread. He isn't doing well either. This whole deal is just grossly unfair. We didn't choose for our loved ones to leave. They didn't want to leave. Why weren't we allowed to make the choice to go with them?

I hate when people say Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel like this. My reply is always No but she wouldn’t want to be dead either. It isn’t fair at all. And now we’re stuck here doomed to be unhappy. I hate this

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It’s weird to listen to a person who isn’t like us. She grieved and got over it. She talks about how when she stretches out across the whole bed she thinks about how she doesn’t miss him. It’s kind of ****ed up

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7 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I hate when people say Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel like this. My reply is always No but she wouldn’t want to be dead either. It isn’t fair at all. And now we’re stuck here doomed to be unhappy. I hate this

I so agree with you on this.   "He/she doesn't want you to be sad.... blah blah blah...."   Yup, perhaps he/she didn't want to be dead either.  

That's a perfect come-back!

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13 minutes ago, KMB said:

I am having a really bad day today also. I just sent a reply to Azipod on another thread. He isn't doing well either. This whole deal is just grossly unfair. We didn't choose for our loved ones to leave. They didn't want to leave. Why weren't we allowed to make the choice to go with them?

I've been pretty miserable these last few days.   I checked my email on my phone in bed this morning -- it was the first thing I did after I opened my eyes.   I saw that they emailed me a copy of the Autopsy report.  It really didn't help me to read about how they butchered my wife to figure out how she left this world.   It's making me sick to the gut.

Marriage is beautiful.  But so is leaving this world together.  I wish I could do the latter.  

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6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

It’s weird to listen to a person who isn’t like us. She grieved and got over it. She talks about how when she stretches out across the whole bed she thinks about how she doesn’t miss him. It’s kind of ****ed up

I didn't listen to the podcast.  But our grief is a reflection of how much love we have for our partner...... that might be the reason why it affects some so greatly while it barely shake up others.

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That is a good come back, Djh.  Others don't get it. Maybe they will if it happens to them. I don't know. I didn't listen to your podcast link. I couldn't listen to a person who claims to be over it and not missing the person who died. That tells me there was no depth of love there.

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Azipod, I'm sorry you are not doing so well either.  I don't even know why for myself today either. It just hit me out of the blue before I even got out of bed. I had been laying there awake for hours, wishing for sleep and escape and I couldn't manage that either.

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8 minutes ago, KMB said:

That is a good come back, Djh.  Others don't get it. Maybe they will if it happens to them. I don't know. I didn't listen to your podcast link. I couldn't listen to a person who claims to be over it and not missing the person who died. That tells me there was no depth of love there.

It has been four years for her and she did say she misses him but the way she was able to make jokes about it just seemed off to me. I didn’t think that’s how it would be when I started listening.

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No way I could make jokes about missing my husband. I am going into year 2. I cannot imagine feeling better after 4 years. There is no magic pill for this kind of pain.

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TooDevastated
1 hour ago, Azipod said:

It makes me sick knowing that they had to butcher our loved ones.  I don't think I ever need to read this stupid report again.

It made me feel sick to know what parts of him they took and how they cut his heart open to check the arteries etc. But overall, I know he would love the idea of being able to help others. Who knows maybe little kids... 

I wish there was a way to get them back. This is just so terrible. I have been having the worst days of my life. Its going to be 3 months since he died tomorrow. And I feel like I should be dead with him. What lesson is there to learn from such a great loss? I dont believe he died because he learned something magical overnight or that his death is teaching anyone anything.

My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I dont see what the point of hanging around is. All I want is to be with him. I found a picture of us from our holiday watching a street fair. Cluless that he'd be dead in 3 days. Cluless and happy and in love and smiling. I would do anything to get him back. Anything for a second chance. 

 

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TooDevastated
1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I hate when people say Kayla wouldn’t want me to feel like this. My reply is always No but she wouldn’t want to be dead either. It isn’t fair at all. And now we’re stuck here doomed to be unhappy. I hate this

Well.. I am pretty sure Bruce would have killed himself after my funeral if it had been me who died... So.. Whereever he is, he doesnt get to be disappointed in me when I decide to go down that route. 

He wouldnt want to be dead. He wasnt expecting to be dead. He knew he would be leaving me behind to be crushed and miserable. So yeah.. People dont get to say s**t about him not wanting me to be sad. Then he better bloody come back and I'll stop being a wreck. 

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