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Does anyone else feel this?


gisele98

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Does anyone else feel like they're living in the past?

 Not a day goes by in which I don't think about my life prior to his passing. The months before. I'm also afraid of change and it's weird for example, I haven't changed my phone lockscreen, I haven't done certain things, I haven't visited certain places cause they remind me that the last time I was there he was still here, I haven't dyed my hair cause the last time I did it he was still here etc. I can't move on. 

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8 minutes ago, gisele98 said:

Does anyone else feel like they're living in the past?

 Not a day goes by in which I don't think about my life prior to his passing. The months before. I'm also afraid of change and it's weird for example, I haven't changed my phone lockscreen, I haven't done certain things, I haven't visited certain places cause they remind me that the last time I was there he was still here, I haven't dyed my hair cause the last time I did it he was still here etc. I can't move on. 

Yes, I am feeling this way. I am living in my past and in future wishes, I am not sure about others but I am definitely living in my past. I don't go anywhere except my office, still I imagine like he is still in office and we will meet EOD at our home. I imagine like he is still here and we will go our hometown on holidays, we will do this and that on weekends. 

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Yes me too. His best friend told me that he can't feel his presence or soul anymore but I told him I still can. As crazy as it sounds, I still feel every single bit. 

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@4191314Welcome here...perhaps when you're ready you can tell us a little more...who you lost, when, something about you.  I'm sorry for your reason for being here.  :(

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The past is all we have(in relation to our soulmates anyway). There won't be any new memories or new milestones. The past is what gives us quiet comfort. It's an escape to a happier time where our soulmate existed. A place where this world and it's grief didn't exist yet. Where the troubles and worries were insignificant compared to our present woes.

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6 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The past is what gives us quiet comfort. It's an escape to a happier time where our soulmate existed. A place where this world and it's grief didn't exist yet. Where the troubles and worries were insignificant compared to our present woes.

Exactly... ❤

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9 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The past is all we have(in relation to our soulmates anyway). There won't be any new memories or new milestones. The past is what gives us quiet comfort. It's an escape to a happier time where our soulmate existed. A place where this world and it's grief didn't exist yet. Where the troubles and worries were insignificant compared to our present woes.

Ditto on that Sean. Our past is always going to be a part of our present and our future. We don't want it to go away.

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4191314,   Welcome to our grief family. We are here for you. Feel free to read posts or  express your feelings whenever you feel the need. We know your pain and understand.:wub:

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After my spouse death I moved her things to wardrobe. I have been able to keep it hidden for like 4 hours. Then moved everything back. I couldn't stand numbness without her presence. All the time I have flashes from our past and I don't thing it will end soon. Life without her is nothing, so I'm glad that I can live in our past.

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jacbog,  Welcome to our grief family. I am deeply sorry for your losses, but I am glad you sought out this forum. This is a safe place for reading others posts and expressing your own thoughts and feelings. Only people who have experienced loss, truly understand.

Losing your father and shortly after, losing your wife, has to be extremely, doubly, devastating for you. I am sorry for the loneliness you are enduring. I lost my husband suddenly last year. I was in shock for a long time. Then came the denial. I still expect to come around a corner into another room and see him here. I still expect to see him walking in the door. It is so hard to try to get past those thoughts. I still have my husband's belongings where he he left them. I cannot bear to sort through or remove anything. I need the evidence that was he here. That our life together was real.

There are no rules or time frame for grieving. There is no rush to do anything. Keep your wife's things for as long as you want. The rest of your life if you want to. Do whatever is comfortable for you. This is your path to follow, no one elses.

Our grieving doesn't end. It takes a long time and a lot of patience, to get to the part on this new path, where we learn to adjust to our loss, a different life without our loved ones. Our past with our loved ones is something we never really let go of. it is a part of our heart.

I understand the loneliness so well. It is the hardest part of the grieving. We miss them so very much. It is even harder for those of us who live alone.

Sending you prayers for comfort and peace-----

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Jacbog,

My husband's robe is still where he left it 12 years ago.  So is his hat.  I cried when I had to wash the sheets.  Nothing easy about this.

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On 9/21/2017 at 11:12 PM, gisele98 said:

Does anyone else feel like they're living in the past?

Not a day goes by in which I don't think about my life prior to his passing. The months before. I'm also afraid of change and it's weird for example, I haven't changed my phone lockscreen, I haven't done certain things, I haven't visited certain places cause they remind me that the last time I was there he was still here, I haven't dyed my hair cause the last time I did it he was still here etc. I can't move on. 

Yes, and that's where I want to be; the past, when I was happy, when my Charles and I were together, when I looked forward to my life and its purpose, when challenges were something I knew my Charles and I could overcome together; when love was life and life was worth living - it was very special.   Some people will tell you that if you don't leave your past in the past, it may destroy your future.  They will tell you to live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday took away. And that may be true for some people - but not for me; I don't see a future for myself and that's OK - I'm willing to live with that.  Oh sure, I'll continue to exist and be there for my children, watch my grandchildren grow and hopefully become more active in whatever I choose to do.  But when my Charles left this earth, my future went with him. 

I think I know when to  stop; I know when to let things go; I know when to move on.   The hard part is "I KNOW" is different from *I CAN* because its so hard to move on from someone who gave you so much to remember.  For those who can, Kudos, to them, I applaud them, I'm truly happy for them - I JUST CAN'T.  :(

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We all fell same way. I take out her stuff to give some things to others but then keep it back. Still feel her smell in her  clothes which are still in her closet. Sometimes walks like zombie slowly slowly thinking about her. I have been one year out and sometimes it looks like 15 min and sometimes 15 years. 

 

Manoj

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With the exception of our photos, I had to "consolidate" most of all of my wife's things into her closet.    One of my challenges in the earlier weeks was the fact that her things were still around the house when she physically wasn't here.   I asked my mother-in-law to come in and help me put away some of the things.   Most of the things are in the closet.  If I want a good cry, all I have to do is open her closet door and take a peek.   It is so sad to look at things that belong to someone who is no longer here..... and understanding that they will never be back to use it or to claim it.   On top of that, it feels so strange to have other people's property at your disposal -- the thought of someone "being gone" and yet all their stuff is left in your hands is a very strange and sad feeling.   Funny how we all get affected by different things.

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

With the exception of our photos, I had to "consolidate" most of all of my wife's things into her closet.    One of my challenges in the earlier weeks was the fact that her things were still around the house when she physically wasn't here.   I asked my mother-in-law to come in and help me put away some of the things.   Most of the things are in the closet.  If I want a good cry, all I have to do is open her closet door and take a peek.   It is so sad to look at things that belong to someone who is no longer here..... and understanding that they will never be back to use it or to claim it.   On top of that, it feels so strange to have other people's property at your disposal -- the thought of someone "being gone" and yet all their stuff is left in your hands is a very strange and sad feeling.   Funny how we all get affected by different things.

His last used clothes still hanging behind our door and I don't have courage yet to put them on closet. They are still hanging there and sometime I smell them , I found few currency in his pocket the last time we go to market and I saved those currencies in my wallet and I will never use them. Those last currency notes has his last touch and I don't want to buy anything from them. I just want to save everything which he last touched. 

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12 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

His last used clothes still hanging behind our door and I don't have courage yet to put them on closet. They are still hanging there and sometime I smell them , I found few currency in his pocket the last time we go to market and I saved those currencies in my wallet and I will never use them. Those last currency notes has his last touch and I don't want to buy anything from them. I just want to save everything which he last touched. 

It's important to save every last thing that has some connection with him.    If not, we will never have a chance to do it again in the future.  Keep those things for memories.

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5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It's important to save every last thing that has some connection with him.    If not, we will never have a chance to do it again in the future.  Keep those things for memories.

Sometime I feel so weird that I am actually talking about him like this, LAST TOUCHED , oh gosh he is really gone and still I don't believe sometime. 

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24 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Sometime I feel so weird that I am actually talking about him like this, LAST TOUCHED , oh gosh he is really gone and still I don't believe sometime. 

I know exactly what you mean. I can’t believe that my wife has not been in this house for 11-weeks.  It is so surreal.  It seems not possibe. This is her house too!  How could she not be here?

Even more, at the cemetery, I can’t still believe that she is under the ground.  The young, cheerful girl who always came up to me to hug me, is now laying inside a coffin underneath the ground!

How can this be possible? I truly thought we had a lifetime together.

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20 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know exactly what you mean. I can’t believe that my wife has not been in this house for 11-weeks.  It is so surreal.  It seems not possibe. This is her house too!  How could she not be here?

Even more, at the cemetery, I can’t still believe that she is under the ground.  The young, cheerful girl who always came up to me to hug me, is now laying inside a coffin underneath the ground!

How can this be possible? I truly thought we had a lifetime together.

I always request god to give long life to my husband and whenever I go from this earth I want to go on his shoulder. I asked nothing else , I just asked for his long life and now all I want is to cut short my period but seems like he is not interested in my prayers. 

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16 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

We all fell same way. I take out her stuff to give some things to others but then keep it back. Still feel her smell in her  clothes which are still in her closet. Sometimes walks like zombie slowly slowly thinking about her. I have been one year out and sometimes it looks like 15 min and sometimes 15 years. 

 

Manoj

It's weird how the time seems warped...it can feel like yesterday and forever at the same time.  It's life changing.

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9 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

His last used clothes still hanging behind our door and I don't have courage yet to put them on closet. They are still hanging there and sometime I smell them , I found few currency in his pocket the last time we go to market and I saved those currencies in my wallet and I will never use them. Those last currency notes has his last touch and I don't want to buy anything from them. I just want to save everything which he last touched. 

My friend Rich, his wife was Thai, and he found a lot of Thai currency and held onto it...now it's worth nothing because their currency changed.  It was worth thousands of dollars at the time.
Alas, currency is not among George's belongings.  I was just thinking yesterday how strange it is, they had these things, they meant something to them, but could not take anything with them when they went, and now we're left cherishing what they left behind, it's all kind of weird.

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Initially it was very difficult to get rid of anything of Rachel's her toothbrush, her deodorant, trashing anything felt like I was throwing her away.

Since then I have trashed things like that, was able to trash or give away items  with no sentimental value, donated most of her clothing. I have her glasses on the night stand where she left them still, and I didn't touch a lot of her personal effects for a while. It took me 2 months to clean the hand prints she left on the mirror in my bedroom.  I still have a bunch of her clothing hanging in the closest, they are items of clothing I closely associated with her. I know I have to give or donate them, just not ready yet.  My therapist asks if I plan to wear her dresses. I just say I'm not ready. 

I think we all grieve differently and you hold on to what you want and get rid of what you want when the time allows. 

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We were in LA few years back and got hand wax for my daughter. Should have got it for her too as I would have been left as memory for me along with other items.

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4 hours ago, TheRobShow said:

I know I have to give or donate them, just not ready yet.  My therapist asks if I plan to wear her dresses. I just say I'm not ready. 

You don’t HAVE to do anything if you don’t want to. Obviously you know your therapist and I don’t but that comment would have been the last one he ever made to me. Some people just don’t get it

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26 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

 

4 hours ago, TheRobShow said:

 My therapist asks if I plan to wear her dresses. I just say I'm not ready. 

For a professional therapist, I feel that is a totally inappropriate question to be asked. Even if the intent was meant as a joke to lighten the mood, that would not have been taken lightly by me.

You do not HAVE to do anything with Rachel's belongings. You can deal with her things when you feel it is time or never.

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

My husband's hand print is still on the inside of the glass for the door leading to the deck. That print can stay there forever.

Yeah this is a rental apartment, so it’s their mirror. I thought about transferring the prints, I was figuring how, but one day I got up and just cleaned the mirror. Honestly it helped me. It was one less upsetting trigger. In a lot of ways I left things set up as if she were still around. I had her grocery list on the fridge still, I didn’t clean the one area of my room, I left it a mess, the way she left it. So removing these things stopped triggering some crying spells. But everyone is unique in what they want to keep or get rid of. No matter what I always have my memories. I think in time I will donate more of her clothes, there are people who can use them more than I can, and I think Rachel would want that. I’m just not ready yet.

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It's been too short of a time for me to get rid of anything. 

Last night, I reread months of text messages between us. It made me smile at first but when I got to the end of these conversations I cried for a while. It doesn't seem real at times but I ache for her every moment. 

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1 hour ago, TheRobShow said:

So removing these things stopped triggering some crying spells. But everyone is unique in what they want to keep or get rid of. No matter what I always have my memories.

Remain true to yourself and to what you think Rachel would want. There is no right or wrong way for dealing with grief.

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17 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I always request god to give long life to my husband and whenever I go from this earth I want to go on his shoulder. I asked nothing else , I just asked for his long life and now all I want is to cut short my period but seems like he is not interested in my prayers. 

I never knew we could be so vulnerable.   Just never had to think about death in the past.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

I never knew we could be so vulnerable.   Just never had to think about death in the past.

Whenever I think, I only think about mine because he was so healthy, he didn't have headache or fever in months and I was the one who always had headaches, fever, cold etc. So I thought when we get old I will be the one who leave this earth first and always pray the same.I just lost my faith in God, if he really exist, sorry if I hurt someone's feeling. 

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9 hours ago, KMB said:

 

For a professional therapist, I feel that is a totally inappropriate question to be asked. Even if the intent was meant as a joke to lighten the mood, that would not have been taken lightly by me.

You do not HAVE to do anything with Rachel's belongings. You can deal with her things when you feel it is time or never.

I think it was meant to lighten the mood and to convey the sentiment do I really need her dresses to remember her? I just constantly come back to the same thought of I will donate them when I am ready. I have so much of Rachel’s. She collected action figures, as do I. So I have her toy collection. I also have her favorite guitar, her ukulele. I am moving in a couple months, so I am sure I will decide what goes and what gets donated when I move. I like my apartment, but after Rachel passing away in the bathroom it never felt like home again.

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On 9/26/2017 at 8:05 AM, TheRobShow said:

My therapist asks if I plan to wear her dresses. I just say I'm not ready. 

Unbelievable! To me this shows the therapist has not a clue what this experience is like.  Do what makes you comfortable but I personally would look for another grief counselor.  Does your therapist have a degree in Thanatology?  

You can keep all of her clothes forever if you so choose!  It's what makes YOU most comfortable that matters!  I donated George's to a cause I knew he'd want them to go to, but I sent some sweaters to his kids and kept his robe, hat, fishing vest, a sweater, etc.

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13 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I just lost my faith in God, if he really exist, sorry if I hurt someone's feeling. 

You aren't hurting anyone's feelings, this is YOUR feeling, not anyone else's.  I want you to know that questioning your faith is common in grief.  In time it may return.  There's nothing inherently wrong about this, it's part of grief, I went through it too.  I always had strong faith, was an avid pray-er, but I was praying when he died, I felt abandoned, uncared about (by God).  It's not that I no longer believed in Him, I just questioned, "Why?!" and got no answers.  In time I realized He was there all along.  I still don't have any answers as to why, I quit asking, maybe I wouldn't understand if I got answers, maybe it's not for me to know.  What I do know is we'll be together again and my faith carries me in this journey.

I only hope you find some comfort, some encouragement to help you along the way.  You'll never get any judgment here, we understand, we care.  We get it.

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18 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

.I just lost my faith in God, if he really exist, sorry if I hurt someone's feeling. 

I echo KayC's post. No ones feelings are hurt. There is no judging or criticizing done on this forum. Those of us of faith went through our own phase of questioning God. It is a natural part of grieving. We falter and stumble in our faith and trust in God. It is at this time that we must hold onto our faith even more strongly. When life goes good, we thank God for our happiness. But, when it goes wrong, we are unhappy, angry, wanting to know the whys. We won't know the answers until it is our turn to meet God. He hasn't left our side. He sees our pain with missing our loved one. He understands and is guiding us. Our continued faith will see us through.

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