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I just don't know


Xray08

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I want to preface this by saying I am a person whom always internalizes my feelings. I push myself to be the one others rely on for strength, I try not to cry (in front of others), I try to be there for everyone...just like my father did.

One Sunday at the end of January 2017 my father and I had spent a great day together. We went to my nephews birthday party, drove around for hours just talking, went to the shooting range (we were very competitive with one another). Oddly, it was not common for us to get time together like this not as part of the collective family. As the day was winding down we returned to my house where he wanted to visit with my 2 and 4 year old children. While on the couch my father began to slur his words and slump over, clear signs of a stroke. Immediately, my wife and I called 911,  my wife rushed the children to a different part of the house. While she left the room and waiting for the ambulance to come, my father was still able to communicate with me. I embraced him and stared in his eyes, I saw fear for the first time in this man. I told him it will all be okay, I told him I am here with him, help is coming. My father put forth the greatest effort to hug me and I returned the embrace. This was the last time that I was able to really communicate with him. Other complications followed that night. Over the next week he slipped away and passed of a heart attack. The day of his passing is a story in its own right that I am still trying to come to terms with. 

Now, months later I find myself dreaming of my father's eyes staring at me in fear. I find myself waking in the middle of the night and not able to fall back asleep. My children still talk about their grandfather. My wife, mother, sister, all bring him up, and as they grieve they lean on me. As the youngest of three children some how I have become the patriarch of the family, I am only 29, I am not ready for this. But I feel like I am going to collapse under the weight of these emotions and this new responsibility. 

What can I do to navigate this new norm?

 

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Dear Xray08,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your beloved dad with us.

It is very difficult to navigate this part of our lives without our beloved parents. I know you are still working through your own grief but still trying to be strong for your family. It is not easy. If you want to, consider talking to a grief counsellor, therapist, or joining a support group. Continue to take it day by day, moment by moment. I also find these websites helpful:

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

Thinking of you and your family. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

 

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Dearxray08,

Im so sorry for your loss.  It's very difficult I know.  It takes a long time to process all ones feelings.  My mother died in January and I still remember the time in the hospital the most.  My whole life I had her and I still re live the hospital before she died.  You seemed to have taken on a lot within the family.  I understand how it happens.  I too have always been the one who is there for others.  I'm patient and I listen so others lean on me.  Now that I need someone no one is here for me.  So I get it.  There is a price to pay for not asking for help!   I agree with readers comments, seek help outside the family.  Therapy.  Someone who is there just for you.  Remember we are all in the same boat here, so write how you feel.  We are listening.

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