My Brother Committed Sucide

[norml_farmer]

Hello my name is Jason

I have had an amazing family and am greatfull to have em in my life all of em.

My family has died I'm 38 and my side of the family are all gone now. I had to watch my mom die she had a massive heart attack goin down the road when me and my brother where 11 and 12 it messed us both up but he never quit got over it. 

In November 2016 my brother hung himself I didn't find him for a week. I drive by my brothers shack he was basically homeless cause of drugs and I was letting him hit rock bottom and I sure did. 

I cant get over the guilt I hurt for him I'm scared for him I'm don't think I'm right in the head I miss him even though he was a pain in my ass. I can't begin to explain to u the soap opera that's is our life that got us here but I do know this hold ur family close that's all that matters in life. 

Im scared I don't know what's to come 

I have two kids one in college one just started higschool I have to keep it together for them 

but if it wasn't for them I'd b knee deep in drugs I wanna b numb I don't wanna die I just don't wanna feel I'm in pain I can't explain I know y'all understand 

where do I go from here 

how can I 

I don't have a family anymore so I am so scared to lose my kids to the point of anexity 

why god why why  

no

if drugs have taken one of your family memebers accept them as they are otherwise you'll miss the collateral beauty of it all and you will  regret it as I do cause I'd let my brother sit right here high on drugs just to have one more min. I should have never turned away blood I'm sorry 

[ModKonnie]

I am so very sorry you are going through this awful tragedy. First of all, you can't blame yourself. I, too, have family members struggling with addiction. I'm a certified drug counselor, so I have tried everything I can think of to help. I've bullied, cajoled, loved, got them to treatment, ignored, prayed for their incarceration--everything. It's very tough when nothing works. Sometimes, they have to hit rock bottom to get better. Unfortunately, for some, suicide seems to be a solution they find acceptable. This disease is exhausting and life shattering for everyone involved. 

My best advice for you is to start talking about how you are feeling to everyone and anyone who will listen. Let your loved ones know how you feel. Go to a group self help meeting. Get some counseling. Go to an Al-anon meeting (you'll learn so much, and you'll find others who have experienced what you have). Please don't try to bottle this up and "be strong." 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[sadandlost]

Dear norml-farmer,

I am so sorry for you going through this terrible tragedy.  I have not been through anything like this but I can only imagine how crippling the pain is.  I agree with modkonnie, please talk to someone.  Grief counselling, a group, anything.  Just so you can be with others who understand.  You can't get through this without outside help.  Anyone who knows anyone who has been through drug addiction or alcoholism knows that its so beyond your control.  You mustn't blame yourself.  It is hellish to watch someone you love go down this path.  Guilt is a normal part of grieving.  We all feel it for different reasons when we loose someone.  Please seek outside help.  So sorry for your loss.