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Depression and flashbacks after death of my mother


BCJ95

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My mother died from cancer back in July, she had been fighting cancer since 2013 but it got lethal in may and I watched her wither away and die in pain. At the time I thought I was tough and refused to show any outward emotion or cry but now after two months I find I can't sleep at night because I think about it. I used to be in phenomenal physical shape but I drank  a lot because I thought it would help and lost any motivation to work out so I have become overweight and out of shape. I'll be in the middle of doing something and suddenly lose all motivation to do it because I'll have flashbacks of her dying. Some nights I have nightmares of reliving it. I have become socially withdrawn to the point where I stay in my room all day and when I go to eat at the cafeteria I want to sit by myself. Im 22 and feel like I never got that chance to make her proud or give anything back to her which is what haunts me the most.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this? It is starting to really affect my academics and social life and I need advice on how to move on and accept this. I'm too stubborn and prideful to act emotional in front of my family or friends so this is really my only outlet to vent.

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Dear BCJ95,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Its so very hard losing a mother.  Nothing can replace her.  I understand its a different kind of pain losing a mother when you are young because you have those milestones in life that she will not be there for.  I can tell you though losing a mother when you are older is equally painful just different.  I lost my mother 8 months ago and I still have bad dreams.  Sometimes she is in them and other times I know she is dead in the dream.  They are very upsetting.  I have flash backs about the year before she died.  My mother had dementia so it was an emotional roller coaster.  Constant worry.  Unbearable level of sadness.  Grief even before she died.  She died suddenly of something else though and in hospital.  I have flash backs to everything that happened at the hospital.  Difficult family dynamics.  Family betrayals surfaced.  I felt alone but now its all over, I feel alone and lost in a different way.  I have said before, I overeat, binge watch tv series etc to take me away and avoid dealing with anything to challenging.  So I understand what you are going through.  Its tough.  But 8 moths later it is still very hard but its less severe than it was.  Maybe I am having a better period?  Maybe I have adjusted to the depression?  I am not sure.  BCJ95, the first 3 months are very traumatic I can tell you that, so please accept this is normal part of grieving.  You are still in shock.  You said you need advice on how to move on and accept this?  There is no moving on!  All there is, is in time we begin to adjust to a life without our mothers in it, a new way to be in the world.  I think this takes a long time, possibly 2 yrs?  I don't even know because I am not there yet.  I think if you have one person, one friend maybe?  you feel comfortable with, tell them you are struggling.  I know its hard.  Its so hard to be vulnerable when you are a young man but I think if you're able to share with someone, you'll have support at least.  The sadness isn't going to go away anytime soon.  I am sorry its affecting your academic life and social life.  You need more time.  Its very very fresh and recent.  Write your feelings down, often.  Even if its only here.  It helps.  Remember we are all here because like you, we too are struggling.

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