Lost my dad - not sure what to do.

[Anonymous2468]

So I am new with posting here so here goes. I lost my dad back in February so right now I am past normal grieving time (6 months I guess). I'm 24, if that matters. I was out of the state when it happened and he had been sick for a while and I think I just had my head in the sand thinking he would be fine while I was gone. When he passed, I wasn't there. I didn't get to hold his hand. He didn't hear me say I loved him over a stupid FaceTime while he was on his death bed.

All in all, I'm just angry with myself and I just don't know what to do to forgive myself for making a stupid decision of going away. Any advice?

[sadandlost]

Dear Anonymous2468,

I am very sorry for your loss.  I don't think there is a normal grieving time?  Does that actually exist?  Loss is so painful and with loss comes so many emotions, one of them being guilt.  We all feel guilty to a degree.  We weren't there enough, we weren't there at the time, we didn't say or do the right thing....we all go through this.  I think it is so hard to comprehend when a parent dies that we look for ways to cope and try to fathom what has happened.  Most of us feel angry, devastated, guilty etc..  I have no advice.   Its just awful.  I am sorry for your loss.  We are all struggling to come to terms with the life changing event of loosing a parent.

[reader]

Dear Anonymous2468,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I know its hard. We all think our dads are the strongest and will pull through. It would be too much to think otherwise. Please try and be kind to yourself. Grief takes a long time to process.

Since my dad passed, I have gone for grief counselling and joined a support group. I also find reading articles from these websites helpful: What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen. Thinking of you.

 

[Dgiirl]

I don't think you can put a time limit on grief.  I'm almost 9 months, and I'm still grieving. One thing that I found helpful is to speak to my Dad.  Although you might have some unresolved things you wanted to say to your dad when he was alive, you can still say them now.  He may or may not be able to hear it, we won't know for certain until it is our own time to leave this earth, but there is no harm in believing he might and speak to him.  I found this podcast on death very peaceful.  

http://podcast.bswa.org/mobile/e/buddhist-attitude-to-death-by-ajahn-brahmavamso/

It might bring you some peace too

 

[sadandlost]

Dear Dgiirl,

Thank you for sharing the above pod cast,  I encourage all who are here to listen when you have time.

[Julia Sumner]

I lost my dad last week and I also wasn't there at the end. Missed by 10 minutes due to traffic. I was out of the country initially when he collapsed at home. Family had been trying to reach me but I was out of reception range. I got the msg and flew home the next day. I was fortunate enough to have a few days with him in the ICU but because I was willing him to get better, I didn't realise he didn't have long. Bear in mi d I'm a registered nurse. The evening before he passed, he was almost unconscious and I still didn't realise. Got the call early in the morning that he had deteriorated further and to come in. Nobody had made it in on time. The guilt is that we weren't there for him when it was his time to leave and we didn't get that chance to say goodbye either. There is nothing we can do about it apart from accept it for what it is. Time will heal us if we allow it. I'm only in the early stages of this, but I will allow myself to just go with the flow of my feelings and not fight it. I'm due to go and see my dad on my own on Friday at the funeral home. My choice. I have this huge feeling it will give me some closure as well as spending a little time with my dad on my own. Please lean on family and friends and these forums as your support as I plan to do. Even 6 months down the line you still need support, it can take quite a while to work through. There's absolutely  no time limit to grief 

 

[sun-child]

Dear Anonymous2468,

There is no such thing as a normal grieving time, grief lasts for a long time. And that's okay. I lost my father and it's close to being almost 2 years and i'm 19. I don't think age matters either, the pain is still there and it hurts so deeply and leaves a larger wound that doesn't seem to heal. I just want to tell you that you have done nothing aboustly nothing wrong, or nothing stupid. You had your reasons for going away and trust in those reasons. Your father loves you. Most of us think they'll be fine because they're our parents, our protectors and they have to be, we lived with them, they raised us. And it's okay you thought that. I hope this helps and even tho you weren't there to hold his hand and say i love you. He does it every day for you and he knows how much you wanted to be there. We all deal with this our own way, we all know the nightmare and hell this, so you do what you have to do to help you heal as long as its healthy. It's okay to feel angry at the world, with your self or just plain angry. It's okay because one day the sun will come out again and it will be warm even if doesn't feel like it. Because look this whole website we all have each other and know we aren't alone in our grieving. Keep your head up.