Shattered

[theRTRP]

I was 4 years old when my grandparents went to the US, I grew up without them. Although, along the years they would come back for vacations for a couple of months at a time. I don't remember much of their visits then, I guess I was too young to really appreciate. When they would come home, it would be with my cousins and as a kid all I wanted was to hang out with my age group. Last December I was told they would be coming to live with us for good! I was ecstatic! Finally I would have a grandma of their stories. My joy was short-lived though. Less than a week home my grandma fell ill, pneumonia. I work in a hospital but at that moment I was on a break. I took care of my grandma in the hospital for more than a week and all those time I was completely terrified. When we went home my grandma asked me to not go back to work yet and so I didn't. It was a wonderful excuse to spend more time with her, to make up for the 18 years of my life without her. We had blissful months together until the 2nd week of April 2017. It was then that my world crashed. We found out she had advanced liver cirrhosis. I have so much fear for this killer. I lost my dad to it 10 years ago. And I was not ready to lose my grandma, I lost my closest aunt 5 years ago to cancer and my wound still has not healed. From April to June, we were in the hospital for 4 times, none less than two weeks. I took care of her again, gladly. I could not rest unless I was the one with her, in the hospital or at home. Her last hospital stay was on June 27 to July 4. It was I who talked her into it as she didn't want it anymore. She just wanted to stay home. As a medical professional and being scared to lose her, I just couldn't watch at home. In the end she agreed. I felt so relieved and guilty. Guilt cause I caused her pain. I told her how sorry I am to have not listened to her, because she was a wonderful person she said she doesn't blame me and I was not being selfish but I still blame myself. During that hospital stay she developed the sinister, the thief condition hepatic encephalopathy. She slipped into a stupor and I could hardly wake her. I prayed to God not to take her yet, to just wake her for a moment so I can talk to her one last time. God heard me and gave me more than I asked for. She recovered enough to wake and call out my name at 2am to tell me she loved me. I was so relieved she had awoken. From there she slip in and out of consciousness and call my name. On July 11th she slipped from my grasp beyond to a place I could not ever reach her again. I was so shocked, for just the night before we were just exchanging stories until 5am. When I woke up just before 9am I was not expecting to feel her ice cold hand in mine. That's how we always slept, she on the hospital bed and I on a recliner beside her, our hands holding each other. All I could do was weep until someone found me and tore me away from her. On July 11 my world shattered into pieces. I feel so guilty, I shouldn't have fallen asleep, I should have stayed awake with her but I didn't! I feel regret that I didn't spend every second I could with her while I could. I feel abandoned, unfair that she was taken again from me.  I miss her so much and I don't regret that gave up my job for her. I am thankful to have been given the oppurtunity to care for my grandma and I would be willing to do it all again. Until now I cry myself to sleep, tears streaming while writing this, I still can't accept the fact that she's gone. Right now I am terrified to step in a hospital again, afraid to work again, scared that I'd break down infront of a patient. My world is still at a standstill and I don't know how to go on and pick up the pieces. I just miss her so much. I feel different cause I think everyone is better but me. I still haven't let go. I sleep with the last piece of clothing she wore and her pillow. How do I return to what was before all these happened?

[reader]

Dear theRTRP,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your cherished and beloved grandmother. I know its very hard. Please know your feelings and thoughts are natural and normal. It will take a long time for our minds and bodies to accept this loss. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Please know there is help. I find these websites helpful:

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

If you feel like consider talking to a trusted friend, pastor, minister, grief counsellor or join a support.

Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

[theRTRP]

Thank you for your thoughful response. I will chech the websites you suggested. 

[More]

I know just what you are feeling dear friend.  I lost my grandmother in January.  Life has not been much the same.  Take time for yourself to process your emotions and feelings as they are perfectly normal to have.  Please remember that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief.  Each of us experience our own unique journey.  We are all here for you.

[theRTRP]

Thank you More. It feels good to know that someone understands the way I feel. I am sorry about your grandma.