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Maria9

horrible guilt and shame

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Maria9   
On 11/2/2017 at 2:03 PM, KayC said:

I've had a lot of losses in my life, but 11 days after my husband died, I believe it was God that led me to a refrigerator magnet that read, "Find Joy in every day" and I bought it.  It changed my life.  People tell me you can't, but I know better because I've lived it the last 12 years.  You have to LOOK for joy to find it.  The sorrow doesn't need looking for, it finds you, but the joy needs ferreted out.  Oh it's not like the joy "before"...don't compare!  Recognize and acknowledge the least little thing that is good that comes your way!  For me it might be something as innocuous as a stranger letting me merge in traffic, or someone holding the door open for me.  Seeing deer in my backyard.  A rainbow (there was a triple rainbow amidst a tremendous thunder/lightening storm at the moment my husband died).  A hummingbird (they were special to us).  A phone call from a friend or my sisters.  A check in the mail that was just what I needed.  The list in endless.  It's not about the thing, it's about ACKNOWLEDGING it.  To do so is to begin to live in the present and not miss what IS for lack of what ISN'T.  We can't change what ISN'T anymore, but we can live what IS now.  It's a practice, a way of life, indeed, an art.  Living in the present.  Being present.  This is the way back to life.

It is an art indeed. To be learned and practiced. Not to miss what IS for lack of what ISN'T. At the moment, it  is the hardest art of all to learn. Yearning and pain keep the heart stuck to what isn't anymore. But you're right, this is the way back to life. And thank you for this.

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Maria9   
11 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I have had very few losses at this point. My husband's father was the worst. And have not many pets, only 2 as an adult until our most recent cat which made 3. 

The first few weeks without my cat I couldn't believe - it I wanted nothing more than to change it. Living with what IS, which is where I have finally come, is a practice and art for sure. 

I have had very few losses too, thankfully .Some people and some pets. But I've never experienced this pain before , this void, this crumbling of my life. I have a long way to go towards acceptance of what is. But you've reached this place and I'm glad for you. Like KayC you've walked through the pain to the other side. This is an art in itself, an art of surviving .

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Maria9   

I have to get this off my chest......When my kitty died I buried her in my garden. I dug the hole myself and I just put her in the ground. Then I covered her body one handful of earth at a time. It didn't occur to me at the time to wrap her in a cloth or put her in a box. I was in shock and crying my heart out .And now I feel I didn't honor her, she should have had a better burial. Looking back , I wish I could have buried her in a little coffin. But I was unprepared for her death, till the end I was hoping,against hope, that she would recover.                 My kitty, please forgive me.

Every day the list of things I didn't do right grows longer and longer.....

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KayC   
20 hours ago, Maria9 said:

Like KayC you've walked through the pain to the other side.

I'm not sure there IS an "other side" this side of eternity...we learn to live with it and do our best with it is all.  But always the missing them goes on.  Just yesterday I was telling some friends about my "King George" (cat, of course!), he was 19 when I lost him (cancer) and it's been over 11 years he's been gone...but he's still on my mind and in my heart.  And Fluffy, he's been gone about 19 years now (dog)...and Skye (granddoggy that lived with me half his life), he's been gone over four years...we still think about them, still miss them.

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KayC   
2 hours ago, Maria9 said:

I have to get this off my chest......When my kitty died I buried her in my garden. I dug the hole myself and I just put her in the ground. Then I covered her body one handful of earth at a time. It didn't occur to me at the time to wrap her in a cloth or put her in a box. I was in shock and crying my heart out .And now I feel I didn't honor her, she should have had a better burial. Looking back , I wish I could have buried her in a little coffin. But I was unprepared for her death, till the end I was hoping,against hope, that she would recover.                 My kitty, please forgive me.

Every day the list of things I didn't do right grows longer and longer.....

You didn't think of it, please forgive yourself.  Tell her how special she is to you.  Maybe plant some flowers or a tree there, it's not too late to have something commemorating her and honoring her.

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Maria9   

This a poem I wrote,in her memory.

LOSS

This is a desert in human shape

grey sand, grey sky and broken rocks.

Searching in vain for the oasis

which once was

your thunderous purring

your luminous eyes

your fluffy chest

your pink nose

and your white socks.

In vain I feel the sand

trying to find

the warm beating of your heart.

It's just the hands of time

striking emptily, pointlessly

now and forever.

The hands will always search

The footsteps will always seek

and the rocks will always cut.

 

 

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AJWCat   

It is a beautiful poem. Sad. :( I know how bad you are feeling. 

Do not forget your other kitties and people. You need to give and get their love so you feel better! 

I am glad you shared about burying your kitty in the garden. Get it all off your chest. There is no dishonor or lack of love. First, like me, I was totally out of mind, not thinking too - I would have done exactly the same thing. But also, the idea that she will go into the earth - her soul-spirit with you and around you but the body is nourishing the earth. That is how it is supposed to be I believe. It is one big life cycle.

Maria, we are moving back to the city where we lived with our cat for 4 years. I think to myself why did we ever leave? We could still be there all this time and have our cat. I second guess all the time. Our decisions caused his death. He'd be with us now. So I know you have a long list. As do I. We have to work on not doing this to ourselves though. Keep working on forgiving yourself as will I. I too, have started to talk to our cat, my heart aches to have him back. It helps a little. All my best to you as always!    

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Maria9   

AJWCat, thank you so much, your words made me feel such relief...It hurts so much to imagine we have wronged our pets in any way, because we can not undo it.

Don't do this to yourself either...Even if you hadn't moved, something else could have happened, you can never know.    Yes, we both have to work on this, it is hard!

This aching  to have them back...:( I know,it never ends. But talking to them does bring some relief.A part of me believes they are still by our side.

I hope you soon find yourself safely home. I wish you strength and hope!

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Maria9   
4 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm not sure there IS an "other side" this side of eternity...we learn to live with it and do our best with it is all.  But always the missing them goes on.  Just yesterday I was telling some friends about my "King George" (cat, of course!), he was 19 when I lost him (cancer) and it's been over 11 years he's been gone...but he's still on my mind and in my heart.  And Fluffy, he's been gone about 19 years now (dog)...and Skye (granddoggy that lived with me half his life), he's been gone over four years...we still think about them, still miss them.

KayC I didn't see your post earlier. What I had in mind was that pain has two sides, a self-destructive, self-defeating side , where it swallows you ,and a side where you have learned to co-exist with your pain and continue to live.

I am so sorry for your sweet pets :( . We will always miss them.

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KayC   
16 hours ago, Maria9 said:

a side where you have learned to co-exist with your pain and continue to live.

That's where I am...It's been 12 1/2 years since my husband died and there is not a day go by but what I miss him.  It's changed everything about my life.  I've learned to carry my grief inside of me, it is my constant companion, not only for him, but for all of those I've lost.  The older I get, the more losses I carry.

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Maria9   

I have to learn this too KayC. It is so hard, because one side of me just doesn't want to go on....but I guess there is no other way to live.

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KayC   

It's especially when we don't feel like going on that we must make the effort.  There are still times I don't feel like it, but there's no way through this but one foot in front of the other.

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AJWCat   
16 hours ago, Maria9 said:

I have to learn this too KayC. It is so hard, because one side of me just doesn't want to go on....but I guess there is no other way to live.

I felt that so often through this process. Not that I would end it myself but a hopelessness, I just didn't care anymore so I totally understand. We will make it through the grief like KayC said, one foot in front of the other. 

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Maria9   

I hit the 2 month mark today. It is so strange.Yesterday i've been crying a lot but today I feel nothing. A numbness, a sense of unreality, as if I'm in a dream. It is somehow scary.

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KayC   

Grief seems surreal sometimes, especially in the early part of it.  Try not to let the numbers get to you, every day is hard, but it gets easier eventually as we adjust to our new reality.

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AJWCat   

Thinking about you Maria at 2 months. Some days are like that... you are numb, other days you feel pretty good (I hope you do) and then, probably like me, you wonder sometimes if you have made any progress at all. I know your grief. :( I hope you are doing okay. 

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Maria9   
17 hours ago, KayC said:

Grief seems surreal sometimes, especially in the early part of it.  Try not to let the numbers get to you, every day is hard, but it gets easier eventually as we adjust to our new reality.

Thank you KayC, "surreal"  is a very appropriate word ,especially as you watch the world going on around you as if nothing has changed.

11 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Thinking about you Maria at 2 months. Some days are like that... you are numb, other days you feel pretty good (I hope you do) and then, probably like me, you wonder sometimes if you have made any progress at all. I know your grief. :( I hope you are doing okay. 

It is exactly  like this AJWCat,  like a circle or a spiral  containing phases.....Sometimes you move into the next phase within the same day, or within hours. There is progress,there has to be , but it's not linear, it has many ups and downs.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      It is a long journey. Thinking about you too.:wub:                                                                                                                                                                                                               

 

 

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KayC   
3 hours ago, Maria9 said:

There is progress,there has to be , but it's not linear, it has many ups and downs.  

Oh so true!  I feel in my grief journey it has been like riding waves...not trying to squelch the grief, but going through it, the ups, the downs, it's all part of it.  It's necessary to let ourselves sit with our grief in order for us to fully process it.  And this can take much longer than others realize.

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Maria9   
4 hours ago, KayC said:

It's necessary to let ourselves sit with our grief in order for us to fully process it. 

This is so true . There can be no healing otherwise, I think. No matter how long it takes. People who are close to me, though they respect my feelings, are bewildered by the fact that I still "have not gotten over it". I understand that it is unsettling for them but I cannot pretend.

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KayC   

Of course you can't pretend, nor should you have to.  It's been 12 1/2 years since I lost my husband and I'm here to tell you, loss is not something you "get over" but rather something you learn to live with and carry inside of you.  We learn to go about our day without mentioning it unduly because people really don't want to hear about it, I don't want to be Debbie Downer but it's there inside of us.  And if we're lucky we have one person in our life we can occasionally talk to about our feelings, for me it's my sister, Peggy.  I can talk to her about anything, she's my best friend.  I did have my friend Virgie, but she moved to TX, we visit on the phone once in a while but oh how I miss sharing with her over a cappuccino!  

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Maria9   

I am glad you have your sister and your friend.I don't have any siblings but I have a very dear childhood friend who will listen to me anytime. He lives in England but he visits here whenever he can and we also talk via skype. It is very healing for me and he has been very supportive and understanding, he has also lost his cat.        

I know, and people don't, there is no "getting over ". The pain is because of the love. You cannot "get over" loving them. They are a piece of your heart.                                     

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KayC   

My sister hasn't had as many pets as I have, but she understands...she lost her dog Polly years ago and she will never forget her and misses her still, she has pictures of her up on the wall and likes to remember her effervescent spirit.

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Maria9   

Tough day today. Rain, overcast sky. I want to bawl my heart out, but I am afraid I'll scare my family. I see my kitty so clearly in my mind. Will I see her so clearly in 5, 10,20 years from now? I am almost fifty, how long do I have to live without her? I am afraid that time will erase her from my mind. I don't want this to happen. I have so few pictures of her, I never thought that she would not be in my life. I hope my kids have pictures of her in their cameras. Please God, don't let me forget her.

I know this is a depressing post but some moments are just so hard....

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