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horrible guilt and shame


Maria9

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AJWCat, KayC, thank you both. Perhaps you're right. Maybe our beloved ones prefer to be alone when they pass on. I will try to keep that in mind when the dark thoughts come.

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Yes, it's the hardest when the dark thoughts come and the imagination can be awful! Picture her at her most peaceful. I imagine she was glad to be alone and quiet.  

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I hope that she was glad to be alone...but like you said in your first post, this was not the vision I had for her last moments.

Today is a difficult day...Woke up with this heaviness in my chest, like a huge boulder, I cannot shake it off .I see my cat everywhere, I miss her so...I have to drag myself through the day and everything seems pointless. How will I go on like this ? It's been almost two and a half weeks, but it doesn't get any easier.

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6 hours ago, Maria9 said:

I hope that she was glad to be alone...but like you said in your first post, this was not the vision I had for her last moments.

That's because we're people and our instinctual response is as a person, but she is a cat, and her instincts are different than ours.

I was reading an article recently about how dogs take things differently than we intend them.  For instance, when I hug my dog (he is big) it is to show love to him.  But how does HE perceive it?  HE thinks I'm trying to dominate him!  We have to consider animal behavior into the equation.
 

6 hours ago, Maria9 said:

Today is a difficult day...Woke up with this heaviness in my chest, like a huge boulder, I cannot shake it off .I see my cat everywhere, I miss her so...I have to drag myself through the day and everything seems pointless. How will I go on like this ? It's been almost two and a half weeks, but it doesn't get any easier.

I'm sorry, I know how hard grief is, the pain.  There is no definitive answer as to how long, the pain gradually diminishes, but the length of time is different for everyone.  I've learned to flow with the grief, it takes what it takes...no way to hurry it up or obliterate it.  If we try to circumvent it, it's still there, waiting to grab our attention.  Let yourself cry when the tears come.  Some people try to dole out their grief so they can still get through their day at work, choosing to set aside a time to grieve for 30 minutes every night.  That never worked for me, grief found me and hit me, but if it works for some people that's great.

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It wouldn't work for me either...grief finds me and hits me too, like a wave, whenever...I'll just have to learn to flow with it ,too. Thank you for being here for me, for sharing .

You are right about people and animals having different instincts .We make assumptions based on our point of view. This consoles me a little.

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I have heard of "scheduled grieving as well... it's too difficult to make a process like that at least for me. I know someone who is doing it for his wife. I think @KayC is so right about animal instincts. We play what our thoughts would be but in their mind. The minute I start putting my words/voice into my cat's head it becomes horrible. So we shouldn't do it. At 2 1/2 weeks I was starting to function and would go for hours normally and then a wave of grief would hit me and it all would seem pointless just as you said. At a month I couldn't believe it had been that long... and that long that I hadn't held my sweet guy. And that I never would. It was terribly hard at 4 weeks. (sorry not good news).  I am so sorry for your pain, I know what you are going through. That said, now I am getting better. I have gone out and actually had fun which for the first four weeks I could not even smile. So it will get better. But the hole in your heart I think will be a wound that will always be there.    

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I am so glad you got out and had fun.  We need that respite, all the more so when it's hard to have.  

I catch myself responding to Kitty as if she's human, being annoyed by her relentless demanding and quick temper, yet she doesn't have a human perspective or think about consideration.  She's a cat, she operates by instinct and making sure her needs are met, that's animal instinct for survival.  And when she's gone I'll miss even her seeming crankiness.

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"We play what our thoughts would be but in their mind. The minute I start putting my words/voice into my cat's head it becomes horrible."

You are so right. Truly horrible. When I imagine my cat wondering,during her final hours, why I wasn't there, it is killing me. i have to remind myself not to do it. I already feel guilty about so many things  .Including the fact that I tried to prolong her life because I could not bear to let her go. She wasn't in pain but she was just sitting still....I told my vet about this afterwards and she answered that if my cat had to be euthanized, she(the vet) would have let me know.I trust my vet. Still....When I read all these posts about all these brave people who euthanized their pets in self-sacrifice, I wonder. Was I too selfish?  The fact is I was not ready to give up,I was praying and hoping, hoping  for a miracle until the very end.

AJWCat, I was told that at the 4-week anniversary of a loss the pain is intensified, as it is at the 3-month,9-month and one-year anniversaries.Maybe it is so. I am sorry for your pain too. Yes, the thought that we will never hold them again hurts like hell.  I am glad you went out ,had fun and you are feeling better. Right now I cannot imagine myself ever smiling truly or having fun again.

KayC I know what you mean,try to think of your cat as a cat and enjoy her temperament, because this is what makes her unique .

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Maria,

You shouldn't feel guilty about trying to keep your cat alive.  She wasn't in pain and that's definitely one of the qualifiers I've always used in making that determination "when".

 

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KayC  thank you for easing my doubts. It's just that...I don't know....in this vortex  of grief and guilt my mind is bouncing like crazy back and forth, trying to make sense ,to process all this  by myself....There are so many excuses for guilt....You sure helped me  :wub:

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I think your guilt will start to reduce. (At least was the case for me after a month.) Of course you are just left with sadness and grief. But at least you don't bounce back and forth. You just miss her. :( I ache to hold my sweet cat. He loved giving me kisses and would give my husband kisses too. He was such a love.  

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Oh AJCat I feel your pain..To long to hold him again, to feel his kisses...He must have been such a sweet tender cat. Such was my kitty too. I miss her terribly. My days are crazy. I spend  my mornings racked with guilt and my afternoons crying over her loss. I don't know if my own guilt will ever go away, I feel it is justified. And a part of me still cannot believe this happened, I mean in July she was still alive and well...How did this happen?  Nothing fills the void of their absence, none of the things that were "important" before...

Thank you for the encouragement. At least we can share our journey here with each other...

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We'll always miss them.  It does ease up with considerable time, but I still miss my Miss Mocha (1 1/3 years), and my granddoggy, Skye (4 years).  I swear I get more attached the older I get.  It's hard.

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I feel like I know people's animals that have been lost... I grieve for everyone here. 

15 hours ago, KayC said:

We'll always miss them.  It does ease up with considerable time, but I still miss my Miss Mocha (1 1/3 years), and my granddoggy, Skye (4 years).  I swear I get more attached the older I get.  It's hard.

Yeah Maria, I have things that are "before losing our cat, Courage, and after." I was reviewing receipts and I had some for a day or two before he passed. And a day after. What a different world it was - I was so happy. And now, I am still so so sad. Nothing does fill the void.    

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When we are reminded of something "before" we remember how wonderful our world was then...how innocent we were, we didn't know our lives were about to be turned upside down.

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Yes, you're both so right....My world was  perfect before, I was so happy, everything was in its place and I felt safe. Now everything is falling apart...

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I am sorry you feel that way. So do I! I am still struggling a lot. I still can't believe it happened. I am sure you feel the same. I guess I was so lucky because things were about as good as they could possibly be. Not like I took it for granted but, losing our cat has really made life just okay. My husband said he finally felt really happy and was going to let himself be happy. I am glad for that. I am fine. But.. happy is a big stretch. I am still too sad and my heart aches too often even if I am able to function and do things and be "normal."

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Yeah, the same goes for me too. "happy" is still a long long way to go. I am still struggling with "functioning,"I have to push myself. Even when I'm with other people , there is always this ache at the bottom of my heart. I am sorry about your sadness too:(

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Yep. I hope you continue to try and feel better. Yesterday was not a good day at all. I never know what it will be... or how I will feel. Sometimes I start off okay and then go downhill. Wishing you comfort - you are even newer than me to deal with this. 

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I settle for getting by, for occassional good moments but nothing is as before.  Just try to get through this, one day at a time.  

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On 10/8/2017 at 5:56 PM, AJWCat said:

Yep. I hope you continue to try and feel better. Yesterday was not a good day at all. I never know what it will be... or how I will feel. Sometimes I start off okay and then go downhill. Wishing you comfort - you are even newer than me to deal with this. 

Thank you, I wish you comfort too. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I kept crying and crying. Today it's the one-month anniversary of her passing. My Sissy,my princess. I will never see her again. How am I going to live through the days and the years with this? It hurts so much...

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

I settle for getting by, for occassional good moments but nothing is as before.  Just try to get through this, one day at a time.  

I know, I just settle too. But the days feel so long and so empty...

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Hi @Maria9 I was just reading and noticed I didn't comment back on it being one month. That was so hard for me too. You can hardly believe it's only been a month and that soon enough it will be one more. My thoughts are with you, I know how sad you are. I wish I could say something that will help. Just try to remember the good times, I am trying to do the same. :(  

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AJWCat, thank you so much ..There's this huge hole in my life and my heart, nothing can fill it. I never thought about her not being in my life, or any or of my other pets, and now it's happened and it hurts so much.  I am remembering the good times but it makes the feeling of loss even worse. Thank you again for being here for me ,my thoughts are with you too.

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5 hours ago, Maria9 said:

I am remembering the good times but it makes the feeling of loss even worse.

Don't I know this!  The yearning within is so hard!

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Losing a beloved pet is like losing a family member. It hurts as much. There will always be guilt but you should not be feeling that way. You did a lot for the cat and tried your best. I know it hurts. I have lost 3 cats in the last 15 years. They were special needs animals and as much as  I tried to help them sometimes I could not make it work. I lost 2 rabbits, one very recently. I am very familiar with rabbit health and tried to nurse her but failed. And I blamed myself. I have nursed cats and rabbits so I was not doing anything blindly. I felt that I had killed this rabbit and cried an awful lot. But she was sick before I tried and maybe it wasn't me,.

We do all we can for our pets. We love them and they love us. And they know that we care.

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I feel like all of here, that we came to a pet grief forum, truly love and adore pets. We all try our very best with what we know at the time. Sometimes we rely on vets or we have to make hard financial choices or try to decide what is the best option in any given moment. J is right, we love them for sure.     

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16 hours ago, Jay W said:

Losing a beloved pet is like losing a family member. It hurts as much. There will always be guilt but you should not be feeling that way. You did a lot for the cat and tried your best. I know it hurts. I have lost 3 cats in the last 15 years. They were special needs animals and as much as  I tried to help them sometimes I could not make it work. I lost 2 rabbits, one very recently. I am very familiar with rabbit health and tried to nurse her but failed. And I blamed myself. I have nursed cats and rabbits so I was not doing anything blindly. I felt that I had killed this rabbit and cried an awful lot. But she was sick before I tried and maybe it wasn't me,.

We do all we can for our pets. We love them and they love us. And they know that we care.

Jay ,I am so sorry for all your losses . I am sure you did everything you could for your pets, including your rabbit .Please don't blame yourself either. Our pets are so dependent on us for their well-being and when things go wrong we are the first to blame. The guilt is part of the caring, no matter what we did it will never be enough, because we love them so much.Thank you for your support in this difficult time.

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8 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I feel like all of here, that we came to a pet grief forum, truly love and adore pets. We all try our very best with what we know at the time. Sometimes we rely on vets or we have to make hard financial choices or try to decide what is the best option in any given moment. J is right, we love them for sure.     

We love them ....That's why it hurts so much when we lose them, it's a kind of grief like no other, like we lost a vital part of ourselves.

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Yesterday the news reported someone in Oregon was found hoarding 98 dogs.  They were in deplorable condition, many in cages, couldn't move, nails ingrown, filth.  This was a misguided soul that loved animals but went overboard and couldn't care for them.  They were overwhelmed and the dogs suffered.  Thankfully they are treating these dogs and will be adopting them out soon.  
We, on the other hand, have given our animals homes and loved them as a family member, oftentimes above anyone else.  We have devoted ourselves to them and cared for them as a child.  We are not deserving of guilt.  We may not be miracle workers, but we sure give it our best.  

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I agree 100% with the third sentence. People don't just take in animals for the fun of it. They do love them and feel for them. Seems hoarders are sometimes getting a bad rap. I have a friend who has 26 rabbits. She hates to think she is a hoarder. She is not. These are rescues and all healthy and well cared for. She has the means to provide for them.

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Maria,

Feeling guilt is normal, but that is not to say justified.

We all do our best by those we love. It's rarely perfect, but then in the real world 'perfect' rarely exists. You did your best and so forgive yourself. In an imperfect world you are blameless. I attach a poem, just for you:

 

Song  of  Life

 

I am the waking caress of feathered song,

Heralding new life returned in the fresh of today,

I am granite torn from the crucifix of earth’s womb,

Rent from the silence of a million years,

I am the healing energies of ancient oaks,

Grown for me, and earthed for you.

I am my cat's last goodbye ... invisible tears cursing

Flesh and blood consumed by asphalt’s  speeding war,

I am the akashic record of the minutiae of life and death,

Holy weave within the turn of life’s rebirth.

 

I am dull, I am dazzling, I am young, I am old,

I am every love kissed, and every heart scorned,

I am pain transmuted into love, into joy,

Layered through life into dimensions unseen,

I am heaven, I am hell, carried in you, carried in me,

The arc of my wings encompassing more than this turn.

I am a message beyond bible, church or creed,

Beyond now, will be, was, and ever is,

Beyond  group soul’s observations inside out,

Hand forged in eternity’s revolving circle of joy.

 

I am the pendulum of life,

Uncentered, yet centered in the still of deep gold,

Eternity’s clock, running in, running out,

Virgin and open in the third of each heart,

Beyond the song of that chamber or its verse.

 

I am earth, wind, moon, distant fire in the stars,

I am the death of everything that grows,

And the birth of everything that repeatedly dies.

 

***

 

© Ivan Sanders

 

 

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Ivan,  what a beautiful poem....So hopeful, so full of light...It moved me to tears, especially the phrase "my cat's last goodbye".

Life is never ending and so is Love.

For the poem and for the kind words, thank you so much...

 

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It is an amazing poem. Maria, I felt the same as you - that line. That last goodbye thought breaks my heart.  

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On 10/21/2017 at 1:04 AM, AJWCat said:

It is an amazing poem. Maria, I felt the same as you - that line. That last goodbye thought breaks my heart.  

It does.....

On 10/21/2017 at 1:04 AM, AJWCat said:

 

 

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This is like an online journal for me...I have many regrets, they keep awake at night. I feel I didn't show my kitty enough love while she was still with me.I didn't hold her enough, didn't cuddle her enough, didn't spend enough time with her. I was always so busy...for what? She was precious and unique, so gentle and loving and intelligent. I could have given her so much more...I feel I didn't deserve her love, have not been a good pet parent like others that I read of...I had so many pet names for her, and one of them was "musikitsa" which in greek means "little music".My music is gone now....how I wish I could turn back time and be with her more. My Sissy....my love...where are you ?

 

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Not all cats are openly demonstrative.  Unless you out and out rejected her overtures, the time you spent with her was probably fine with her.  My cat is 21 and has only sidled up to me in my loveseat the last few months, they're all different.

musikitsa, I like that.

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She was a very demonstrative kitty and I always welcomed her advances.I only wish I had initiated more of them myself. Thank you for responding KayC, sometimes I write things here as a way of self-expression and to mourn my cat. I feel safe in this forum to let it all out, especially when the feelings get too intense.

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This is an online journal, whoever reads this, you don't have to respond.... I am just writing my thoughts....It Sunday night here in Greece. My kitty died on a Sunday night. My thoughts are driving me crazy, my house seems unbearable without her. How will I go on? The pain is still unbearable. Empty days, sleepless nights. Have I been punished for something, for not being good or kind enough?  It feels this way. I want her back, oh God I would give anything of myself to have her back....Why couldn't I become sick instead of her? I'll never see her eyes again, I'll never hear her voice  again....how will I live with this? I knew she wouldn't outlast me, but six years is such a little while. I was hoping that she would live at least over ten, maybe fifteen. Why did this happen? Why?

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Oh Maria, please do keep writing. It has made me feel better just to write here too. I know you do not need any response I just wanted to say I totally understand. My heart goes out to you. The days and nights are empty without them. 

I am a little longer than you without my sweet guy. The pain will get better. I have been distracted with a lot of moving and travel. And away from the place our cat died now. I know it would be harder if I were still back there. But even so, I was getting a little better. I encourage you to see what you can do to engage your mind. It is easy to get depressed. 

You were not punished. What happened was such as awful sickness. I read about it a bit. It seems there is no cure. :( Such an awful thing to happen but you were a good cat Mom.

Wishing you peace tonight and all Sundays. I know how those nights are.   

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20 hours ago, Maria9 said:

Have I been punished for something, for not being good or kind enough?  It feels this way.

It has nothing to do with that...death is part of the life cycle, it happens differently for all...some live a short time, some a long time, no rhyme or reason.  My niece died before her second birthday.  My nephew died when he was three.  It does no good to ask why, no answer is forthcoming, but oh how I understand the heart's crying out, "WHY?!!"  We have all done it. 

I'm sure you were a wonderful mom to her, it's not about deservedness.  Oh that we who love our pets could have them forever!  But we will be with them again, and that gets me through this.  All of those we miss, we will be reunited, and personally, I can hardly wait!  My husband has been gone 12 years now, I continue to miss him each and every day of my life.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life!  But I am, somehow one day turns into the next, somehow the sun goes on shining, someone forgot to get the word to it.  Somehow my heart continues to beat, how, I don't know.  I console myself that he is no longer suffering, he doesn't have to go through the problems of this world.  I miss many pets, I started losing them when I was 20, now I am 65, I've lost many.  I know we can't let these losses dictate the quality of life going forward.  Yes, it affects it, especially now in early grief, it's extremely hard, but we have to try and make the most of our lives we can.  Especially it's important to continue to open our hearts to love.  If I hadn't been willing to do that, I wouldn't have my dog and cat that I have now, and my Arlie is like a soulmate in a dog, if there is such a thing, he is it, perfect for me, his personality is amazing, I love him beyond words.  And yes I know I will lose even him.  This is the cycle of life.  And when it comes I'll have to try to get through it, the same way I had to get through losing my husband.  Excruciatingly painful, but we survive...one day at a time.

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AJWCat and KayC, thank you both for your moving responses.....It is so good to feel understood and to be comforted in these moments.

KayC I am deeply sorry about your niece and nephew,  I can't even contemplate what it means to lose someone so young... The cycle of life is like this, you're right ,but the heart cannot easily reconcile with it. With any loss. human or pet, no matter what age. We never had enough time with those we loved.

On 10/30/2017 at 3:47 PM, KayC said:

  I know we can't let these losses dictate the quality of life going forward.  Yes, it affects it, especially now in early grief, it's extremely hard, but we have to try and make the most of our lives we can.  Especially it's important to continue to open our hearts to love.

So wise.  I'll try to keep this in mind, no matter how hard it seems.

 

 

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Some days it's a struggle, especially after losing my husband...the missing him never goes away.  But I continue the effort and will until the day I die.

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I've had a lot of losses in my life, but 11 days after my husband died, I believe it was God that led me to a refrigerator magnet that read, "Find Joy in every day" and I bought it.  It changed my life.  People tell me you can't, but I know better because I've lived it the last 12 years.  You have to LOOK for joy to find it.  The sorrow doesn't need looking for, it finds you, but the joy needs ferreted out.  Oh it's not like the joy "before"...don't compare!  Recognize and acknowledge the least little thing that is good that comes your way!  For me it might be something as innocuous as a stranger letting me merge in traffic, or someone holding the door open for me.  Seeing deer in my backyard.  A rainbow (there was a triple rainbow amidst a tremendous thunder/lightening storm at the moment my husband died).  A hummingbird (they were special to us).  A phone call from a friend or my sisters.  A check in the mail that was just what I needed.  The list in endless.  It's not about the thing, it's about ACKNOWLEDGING it.  To do so is to begin to live in the present and not miss what IS for lack of what ISN'T.  We can't change what ISN'T anymore, but we can live what IS now.  It's a practice, a way of life, indeed, an art.  Living in the present.  Being present.  This is the way back to life.

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I have had very few losses at this point. My husband's father was the worst. And have not many pets, only 2 as an adult until our most recent cat which made 3. 

The first few weeks without my cat I couldn't believe - it I wanted nothing more than to change it. Living with what IS, which is where I have finally come, is a practice and art for sure. 

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