Newbie - Not Coping.

[staceynicola]

Hello all, I'm new and I've never really done the whole online forum thing before.

My dad passed away on 1st August last year and I honestly don't know how I am doing, I always say I'm fine. But as of right now, I'm sitting in bed, curtains closed, typing this while crying...so I'd say I wasn't fine. I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life, when I was five, my mum had twin boys who were born premature, one lived a few hours and the other we had two months with. I've lost cousins, aunts, uncles and all grandparents, but you never expect your parent die when you're 22. 

My dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2014, by the time he got a full scan a month later, it was terminal and they gave him a year. I'm an only child and always so close to both my parents and everyday is a struggle. I've done therapy, bereavement counselling, psychology..everything. I don't even get out of bed anymore, my depression has reached the ultimate low. I honestly don't know how I am, I don't understand what my feelings are. Numbness, heartache, I spend most of my day crying and the rest just sleeping out of pure exhaustion from crying so much. 

[sadandlost]

Dear Staceynicola,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dad.  As I wrote that line I thought what do I say next?  I honestly don't know.  The reality is we are all here because loss is unbearable.  Everything you are feeling is normal.  My mother has been gone 8 months now.  Some days are better than others.  Every morning I don't want to get out of bed.  I lay there thinking....usually about what has happened and the last year she was alive.  It was the worse year of my life as my mother had dementia so there is the loss that happens when they are still alive.  I grieved daily and I worried daily plus having an impossible family situation going on in the background.  We were told she would not survive and recover the week before she died.  When she died it was terrible but after it was horrendous.  Within 3 weeks I suddenly passed out in the bathroom.  I remember the room spinning and a high pitched sound in my ears, dripping with sweat and then I woke up on the floor just outside the bathroom.  A week later I had flashing lights in one eye and I thought I had a detached retina or something and I was going blind.  I had a pain eyelid my eye through the back of my head.  It went on for 2 hours on and off.  I got an emergency appt. with the eye doctor the next day.  He did all the tests, looked behind they eye and determind nothing had happened and asked if I had been very stressed?  yes.  He said, you need to calm down.  I tell you all this because losing a parent is very significant.  In some ways it changes how you are in the world.  I don't have these extreme incidents now but every single day I wish my mother was still here and I could talk to her.  The world is now a different place for me and I am still trying to navigate it.  I have not adjusted.  All I can say to you is, its very very hard losing a parent.  One year isn't anything.  It isn't time enough to adjust.  You did not mention your mother?  Try to talk to her.  I know you've done therapy etc.. but you should not stop doing it.  Do it for as long as you need.      I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  Reading other peoples stories helps me and makes me realise that we are all struggling and our emotions are normal.  We are not loosing our mind but grief feels like you are.  Write down your feelings often, it helps I find.  

[reader]

Dear Stacey,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know losing your beloved dad is devastating. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen.

I know its hard but I hope you will consider going back to therapy just to have the additional supports. I wanted to share these two websites with you:

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Dylan17]

Hi Stacy.

As everyone here said you're not alone and how you are reacting to everything is completely normal. I still struggle to get passed telling people "I'm fine" when they ask me how I'm doing, I can't emphasise the importance of letting it all out and telling someone face to face how you truly feel. When I lost my Mum earlier in the year I had 6 cruse counselling (they specialize in bereavement) sessions which helped keep me away from reaching rock bottom. 

All I can say is try to use this to bring your relationship closer to your Mum. My Dad died when I was 17 years old which was 7 years ago and my Mum was my anchor through my depression & grief, I couldn't have got through it without her and I''ll forever cherish the relationship I had with her. I realise its hard but you've sometimes got to do what you can to make the best out of an awful situation. 

.Take care and keep us posted with how you're doing.